Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3
Dear EmotionallyNumb,

I face issues with my mom better after I remind myself that some people are happy being miserable and I am not responsible for their happiness.

Hang in there.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Your Mom being alone a lot gives her so much time to dwell on things. Is there any hobbies you might nudge her towards. Is there a church family that might visit her throughout the week? Getting/Being older is not an easy task, we gotta understand that first off.
The older you get, the more you lose. At least that is what it seems like for some. That produces such fear, which if one doesn't know how to handle fear can immediately go to anger. And with losses comes some depression. So many older people live in the past and focus on what they use to have and use to be. However, I wish they could see, that they still are a person, with such great value and worth. And I wish they would focus on their lives now and what they can do, instead of what they can't do.
But there are only a small amount of people who grow older with a smile. My Mom is one of them. My Dad was not. But there is still so many losses they feel with or without a smile. We truly can't understand until we are there. And I feel if we can understand now for our loved ones, maybe when we are there we will be able to manage it better.
God is a very present help in times of trouble and trials. Look to him for help. I will pray for you and your Mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2020
Great points!

Fear is crippling. I know several elders that attend services but they still have tons of anxiety. They always did. For some people the anxiety intensifies as they age. It’s sad. I pray for everyone to break free from excessive anxiety. It is a hardship.
(0)
Report
It is terrible to be old and get old. You lose friends and the means to do the things you loved to do because they are too hard physically or mentally and it gets worse daily. You no longer have a future (or a very short one with no results in achieving you dreams), you need more care and are afraid of the unknown and ending times coming. Yes, people do react to that - a few here and there just accept it but not all can. They get crabby and nasty and start lashing out at everything (I would NOT tolerate this no matter who, what or why). If they "misbehave", don't hold it in and try to sweet talk to them - it doesn't work. Let them have it and put them in their place to stop the behavior. It will save your heart and soul by NOT keeping their poison to you inside of you. Stand firm and protect yourself - let them be upset if they act out.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Riley2166 Oct 2020
And one more thing I want to add is this.....if their behaviors impact your normal life too much and start making you miserable, then move them into a facility. They are no longer who they once might have been but now they are what they are and if you allow it, they will destroy you. Do not let that happen.
(1)
Report
Sending you a big hug. I hope you can find a way to take some time out and have a rest. A hospital geriatric team recently gave me some advice I found helpful - as I have a mother with a similar personality type. This will only help if your mother is not suffering from dementia or serious cognitive decline.

My mother was recently in hospital and the geriatric team did not believe the way my mother was negatively venting to me was healthy or helpful for either of us and they recommended I protect myself as much as possible. They recommended respectfully "pushing her" to solve most of her issues herself. For example if my mother vents about her family doctor, I now listen respectfully for 30 seconds and then gently ask what she wants to do about it. I do not offer advice or argue. To my surprise, the answer is usually "nothing" - and then I move on and change the subject to something more positive. If she keeps venting, I repeat the question in a very neutral way. If she keeps venting, I excuse myself and leave. There hasn't been one instance where she asks me what I think or says "you have to do something." My mother is not stupid and knows she is being managed, but it has helped - it's like a mental switch where I remove myself from the awful stress of trying to resolve her stress, anxiety and unhappiness - which isn't possible.

The suggestions in this forum about encouraging involvement in outside interests are great but I know achieving this is not always easy. In my mother's case, my parents lived a highly reclusive lifestyle for about 40 years and my mother rarely leaves the house and discourages visitors (if extended family visit, there will be an extended vent after the visit). Yes, this speaks to a need for help but she has always refused to engage on any mental health issues and says it is her right to live as she pleases.

Every family and every case is different and I wonder if there is a health professional who can advise you about the best approach for your situation with your mother. All the best for finding some solutions.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Man, I understand completely. It must be especially hard since she is living with you. I have a similar situation but, although I feel solely responsible for her, at least she is at a continuing care facility. Go easy on yourself. Make sure there is someone you can talk to. A counselor helped me tremendously. Bless you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don’t doubt old age is rough. But it pains me to hear someone complain about how crappy old age is, how crappy they feel, how miserable life is. It’s as if they’re mad they’re still alive.

Why? Because I lost a friend to breast cancer when she was 38. Had a husband and 2-year-old daughter. When she was first diagnosed (was already stage 4), she was given maybe 2- 4 years at the most. At the time, her baby was 6 months old.

She said she’d fight like hell to stay around to see her daughter get married.

Then it became to see her graduate college.

Then it became to see her graduate high school.

Then it became to see her become a teenager.

Then it became to see her start kindergarten.

Finally, it became hoping her daughter would have a memory, even a slight one, of her.

Two rounds of intense chemo got her two years. That’s all. And she would have given anything to reach old age and watch her daughter grow up. So I can’t be totally sympathetic when I hear someone gripe just for being alive.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It was always incredibly frustrating for me when my mom put on a big front in front of others.

My friends loved my mom! She was a doll to them and everyone else.

Family dynamics are so interesting. My mom knew the things that she said to me would have been very inappropriate to say to others.

It’s behind closed doors that the claws came out. Did anyone else experience this?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Kmjfree Oct 2020
Yes! My mom did that too. My sisters and I eventually figured out that we were not the crazy ones.
(1)
Report
I am a very patient, empathetic person. I've been teaching middle school for 30 years, have spinal damage that leaves me in constant pain, and am raising 3 kids with my husband. I'm super busy and have my challenges. Life is tough for everyone. That does not give anyone the right to be cruel, hateful, belittling, or vicious. Just because my mother is old doesn't give her carte blanche to treat others like their feelings, opinions, and time doesn't matter. OP described my situation exactly except that my mother doesn't live with me....she lives 2 blocks away and my family takes turns/shifts staying with her. I understand someone being miserable. I will not justify someone being venomous.

OP you have gotten some good advice from others who have been there. I pray that you come to terms with the fact that your mother is going to continue to be miserable and mean. She will continue to manipulate you and suck the energy right out of your body and soul if you don't pull back emotionally. Take care of her needs and spend the time with her that you can bear. Then take care of YOUR needs. When my mother is being toxic (which is every. single. day), I tune it out or let her know that I'm a phone call away if she needs me. It has taken me almost 20 years to get to this point with her since I've been caring for her since I was 25. I've been her sole caregiver for the last 10, and now my teenage children are helping. I've already taught them to respect grandma and be calm with their responses, but they are allowed to tune her out when she is screaming and calling them horrible things. They are allowed to say, "Grandma, if you need me, I'll be in the other room." They are allowed to call or text me to intervene. You need to allow yourself to walk away. Teach her how to treat you. If you allow her to be horrible, she will be. If you say, "It seems that you want to be alone since you are being mean to me. If you need something, let me know," and walk away, every time, you can reclaim some of your power back. I have started doing this, very calmly and kindly. I tell her she is mean. I tell her she is not treating me appropriately. You can, too. She will buck, but you will feel empowered, and THAT goes a LONG way with your mental health. You deserve to be at peace and you need it for your own well-being.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Wow, this sounds like my life. Pretty darn close!

My mom also gets very negative and it drives me nuts. Complains about EVERYTHING. And tells me mean things about people she knows (or used to know?) that I like, etc. Maddening.

I guess their lives become very small and boring and their pain and mental cognition decline just are the cherry on top.

I can understand you wanting to leave at times! I hear you. I want to run away and hide. I spend a lot of time in my room or out of the house so as to avoid these annoying "conversations".

Good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

OMG its like your a fly on my walls here with me and my mom. You have said all the things that i would say to a tee. Its almost spooky how similar stories sound like my owm. I have no answers just complaints as well I guess I shouldn't feel like The Lone Ranger we're all pretty much in the same room just different cities.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter