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If you are the only person willing, able ? to care for your Mom, you are endangering both of you. Do not quit working; starving in your old age, if you survive this, is not a good option. People who are difficult become more difficult with illness and dementia. I was an only child and neither of my parents ever suggested I care for them even when dying! They worried about me traveling to see them and check on them. They weren't saintly, just reasonable people, probably knew my limitations. If you mother is holding an inheritance over your head, write it off. You might not live long enough to use it or be able to enjoy it by the time this is over. Tell her to behave, cooperate with others helping, or you will walk away, and call the Aging Council and do so.
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I can 100% relate. I went through this while also caring for my mother also NPD and a stroke patient. It’s so hard but you have got take time for yourself that’s 100% Mandatory or you will crack, I know I did. Mom had passed in 2013 but I’m still left with my dad also NPD no stroke but the joy of Alzheimer’s yay!!! Also constantly falling. Do what you can and that is all you can do. Give yourself days off for your own health. There are services that are free just contact your county and ask what’s available. Good Luck and know you are definitely not Alone❤️
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Dear nyc2ca,

You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Keep sharing and getting feedback from the good people in this forum. Their insight, support and hope has been helpful for the critical moments of needing to escape for me. Make a plan to go somewhere and take a break or make a pretend plan for when you are able to go somewhere. Take good care and know you are normal and this is the hardest work.
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Every day, baby, every day.

But I don't. I have two cute dogs who get me up in the morning. I have help at home , which is worth its weight in gold. I volunteer to have contact with other like-minded citizens.

I grouse a lot, especially about changing diapers--not my favorite nor my back's favorite.

Finally, I come to this site a lot. This site got me through the worst of it with my mother and now with my husband.

Reaching out, as you have done, really helps.

Keep coming back!
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Seems you may have given up too much of yourself to take care of another.

I have a few questions:

1 - Can you afford to retire at this time?
If you really can not afford to retire, then you need to find ways to work until you can.

2 - Since your mom seems to require quite a bit of care, what would it take to move her to where you used to live - where you have a job, friends, a life...?

3 - Yes, your mom requires care, but so do you. Where and who are the family members, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help who can assist with mom's care and/or nurture you? Help can be delivering groceries, housecleaning, caring for mom for a couple of hours...
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Soutdated like you are burnt out.
Semail like your only solution is to find mom a Assisted Senior Housing or a Senior Apartment and the Move Back and start back to your job.

You have to take care of yourself because no one else will.

Juse tell your mom how you feel and that you plan to move back and start your job and tell her what her options are.
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Your body is screaming at you to save yourself. The stress and depressive nature of it all is too much for any one person. You need support, a lot of support or you need to get someone/someplace else in charge. You are 40 and want to live. Go live. Get her affairs handled before you lose your job this summer. Then go home and live your best life.
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I felt this way when caring for my brother in law. We love him dearly, and he did not have a personality disorder, but the level of care and his mental defects became too much to manage. We found a good facility that had an excellent rating. After going through the admission process they turned him down. It was devastating. However, we began the process again with another facility, and he is receiving great care there. Sure he would rather be at our home, but we have jobs, adult children, and want to travel and enjoy our middle age, and rest when we come home from work. Now we are able to visit him, take him to doctor's appointments, and call and chat with him. It is close to what our relationship would be like with him if he were healthy. It isn't healthy for your mom of for you to co tinge this way. Find a facility that you love, one you would choose for yourself, and begin the admission process. It will take time, but at least you will know you are making progress.

You cannot give up your career. Let mom know your job is starting back and you have to go home, so you are going to find a place for her and make sure she has good care before you get back home to work.
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Oh, Yes! Even though I was never a live-in caretaker, would never dream of doing so, I have often wondered if I was out of my mind to sell the house I loved and move to a small town near my Mom to help my sisters. The older Mom got, the less aware she was that anyone else had a life or was entitled to have a life. No matter what anyone did, she wanted more.

We did draw our boundaries, we did refuse to do more than we felt we could. Nevertheless, those needs were always out there. It is easy enough to feel trapped when you are not living with Mom. I can't even imagine trying to live with her. You have a lot of company, I think.

Perhaps it is time to consider other options for your Mom. She will be no more miserable in a good care facility. You need to get a job, a place of your own, and reclaim your life. Above all, take some vacations. You do not need to go to another country. Rent a cabin in the mountains for a week (or whatever appeals to you). Preferably one with no cell towers anywhere near. Just listen to the wind in the trees, or the water on the lake. Be alone and be thrilled in having nobody but yourself to think about. Do not give anyone an emergency number. Do this as often as your new budget might allow. If nothing else, take a weekend to camp somewhere with borrowed equipment, whatever it takes to be alone, with yourself as your only priority. (I knew one person who actually stay-cationed at home, not answering the phone or the doorbell, just enjoying the sun in the backyard and listening to music in the quiet, pretending to be in France. It worked.)

You also need to be building up your financial reserves so that you can take care of yourself now and in your own old age. Be better than your Mom and take care of yourself. You deserve it.
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Yes, I feel like running away sometimes. Lucky for me, I am not dealing with NPD. Sound horrid.

What is your mom's condition? Can she do anything for yourself? Can she do more for herself than she is doing? Does she need more PT?

Do NOT quit your job. Instead, it is time to start to extricate yourself from a situation that is not working for you. Your mom will need to start paying for a caregiver. You could continue to live there, but you need help and should be working at your age.

You need friends. And a life. And time for yourself. Set some boundaries and reclaim YOUR life.
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Of course 'we' or 99.9% of us feel like running away.
The questions are:
- How do you identify/set your own boundaries?
- What are you doing (to manage) / how do you handle anxiety?
- How do you give yourself 'time outs' - essential to continuing to go on without or minimizing burnout.
- Consider that you (may be/) are clinically depressed and either or both: get into therapy, see a medical provider for (temporary) medication to take the edge off.
- Meditate and visualize yourself 'running' away to another land or place that gives you some mental / psychological respite for 10-20-30 minutes. I lost over 70 lbs doing visualizations (along with lots of other positive behaviors).
- You need to continually RE-SET to the present and make decisions that are in your health (physical, mental, spiritual) / well-being... to keep going while (learning to have) / having a quality of life. This may mean finding other(s) to care for your mom more of the time. ... so YOU can run away for a week or two. You need to regroup, re-energize, renew yourself in order to keep moving forward. So, get your ducks in a row and run away. Gena.
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with what you describe, I too would be running away and would have gone a long time ago. If your mother had a narcissistic personality, it must have been terrible for you. What I simply do NOT understand, if you knew what she is, why didn't you run long ago before she ruined your life. It is NOT too late for you. Get tough, figure out how to get her placed or get other help but do not, repeat - do NOT - waste another moment of your life or you will never get another chance. People like this are either sick or just mean and perhaps evil and don't deserve us. Please get wise now - go and make plans to go somewhere and rejuvenate yourself and make a life for yourself. She had the chance and blew it - why do you have to lose YOUR chances?
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First of all you need help/relief! If she qualifies for Medicaid start there. If not check out your state’s Agency on Aging. They have assistance including respite help….and suggestions. If all else fails hopefully your Mom has income. Spend it on getting help. Remember rule #1 - you must care for yourself in order to care for someone else ❤️❤️
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Get help for your mom and move on. If you’re having doubts already, there’s no reason to prolong it or resentment will set in. Yes, you’re putting your life on hold for your mom, but it isn’t easy at all. I go to my “happy” place and look at international trips online. At least for the moment I feel that some day, things will be back normal in my life.
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It may not seem like it, but all the suggestions to take some time for yourself are exactly right. You might be surprised what this will do for your mental health. It will feel like your battery is recharged and you can face whatever caregiving brings. You are so young and still have so much of your life to live. If long periods of time are difficult to find for yourself, find short times just for you. Find what you enjoy and spend time doing these things. It is vital to your health. You are to be applauded for taking this monumental task on. No wonder you want to escape.
And of course, look into agencies that are equipped to help give you some relief.

Come back here for support too. You are not alone...believe me. My 96 year old mother lives with me and I have recently started therapy. Caregiving is the hardest thing I have ever done.

God Bless you.
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I can not leave my husband whose dementia is continuing to progress. Sometimes I want to go outdoors and scream until the top of my head blows off! Even thinking about doing so somehow helps. Funny.
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lealonnie1 Jun 2021
When my first born son was a baby, he had bad colick & scream constantly. Drove me NUTS. I'd go out in the garage and hammer up the shelves out there, into SPLINTERS! It helped tremendously to get out my frustrations on that wood. Nowadays, with the cost of lumber being so astronomical, I guess I'd recommend beating a pillow or hammering up some cement blocks instead of wood! :)
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Hell Yeah I do, and not just because of mom. Actually my mom has been a blessing in many ways. Its my kids driving me nuts!
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ThomasY Jun 2021
ROTFLMAO!
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YES. 😃 but I would have to come back 😫
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Welcome to the hell of caring for a narcissist mother.

I too gave up everything to come back here to care for her and have received nothing but dung in appreciation. Just remember this: if you are a Christian, the more you suffer for what is right the greater your reward is in Heaven. I think most care givers are going to be given a crown so big it will weigh our heads down.

Thankfully for me, I live in a small town with plenty of nature trails. Spending time alone with Jehovah is the best medicine for me. You might like to try it.

You are in my prayers. I have walked the walk you are in for over six years. That is why this site is so important for men and women like us. To support each other.

Maybe it is time to send mom to a seniors home. You need not feel guilty about it. She has brought this on herself.

Sending you hugs.

I pray this has helped you.
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I too am an only child and I must confess I was not prepared to be in this position of caregiving. I retired 3 years ago and haven't had the opportunity to do one thing that I had planned for my retirement.
Mom's aging care just dropped like a bomb!
I feel your frustration and your pain because I have had the same thoughts of leaving the country. 🤔
I also am so close to throwing in the towel
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Ah, nyc2ca, I feel your pain. I moved across country at 36yo -- without really knowing at the time that's what I was doing, I naively thought it would be temporary -- and spent the next 6 years caregiving for my grandmother and father and the house they lived in. I think the sense of burden is increased exponentially if you feel like your charge/Loved One is a mental/emotional drain. My grandmother was a loving person, despite dementia, and my father was always more difficult to care about for and about... our relationship definitely was dysfunctional and harmful for me... and it really had little to do with actual care duties. I'm concerned this situation only gets much worse for you and your own health.

Who was caring for your mom in the first year after her stroke? I'm reading your post as you started hands-on care a year ago, correct me if I'm wrong.

Instead of being between "giving up your whole life" or dreaming of running away and never looking back, could you make a plan to extract yourself and get back to your own life? You could manage care and help from a distance; others here have done this. I'm sorry you're feeling trapped and hope you can get help from agencies and maybe a therapist, if that would benefit you.
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Absolutely, without a doubt, YES, I have felt just like you!! Going on my 16th year of being a caregiver in some way, shape or form, I am ready to be DONE for at least a bit!!
I am an only child and I truly believe my mother has NPD as well. I never realized it until I came on this site and saw what others were posting- everything clicked into place. This is what triggered me to have and to post about all my "rules" when my mom came to live with me in December. Those "rules" pretty much are swept under the rug now, because she sees my house as "her" house- and I am living under HER roof. Lots of tongue-biting and prayer there and I go on about what I was doing. I happen to be the master of "ignore" as well, so that helps a great deal. 🙈🙉🙊 The greatest piece of advice I ever received was from a dear family friend who told me years ago as a young hothead "just let it roll right off your back like a duck". It took me many years to perfect that, but here I am. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, but it helps.
I am sure many others have also posted this, but the best things you can do if you don't run away is set boundaries, take care of yourself, have outside interests and find one small thing per day that brings you joy.
If your mom has funds that allow you to hire someone to come in and give you a break, that can help you out and give you a little peace and time for what you enjoy. You still have a lot of life to live and I completely understand feeling like running away to get that life. I wish you the best in this endeavor. It ain't easy by any means!!
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Your mother is 75. She can live another 20 years or two DECADES. You are 40. You have a whole life ahead of you, yet you're talking about quitting your job this summer. Then what? It's not necessary for you to give up/devote your entire life to your mother's care. There are Assisted Living residences set up on every other street corner precisely for that reason! Figure out how to get your mother placed into one of them so you can move on with YOUR life and NOT quit your job, leaving yourself penniless and stuck living with your mother forever! That is not a smart move. Plus, you'll be giving up a lot of Social Security quarters once you stop working, so what happens to you in retirement? Nowhere is it written that YOU have to starve in order to care for your MOTHER!

That said, yes, I think about running away all the time. To Europe, preferably, leaving no forwarding address. But then I'd miss my kids and my grandson, so I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. But there is a big part of me that wants to be DONE with the responsibility of being the only child for a 94 y/o demented mother who lives in Memory Care and a DH who's had more health issues in the past 2 years than I can bear to recall. And another gigantic doozie on the horizon to deal with. So, yeah, I feel your pain.

Good luck and Godspeed, my friend.
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Imho, it would not be in your best interest at ALL to quit your job - or move to a foreign country. The latter could be a disaster, thinking of language barriers, et al. I, too, wanted to "run away" when I had to live out of state to care for my late mother. Of course, I did not do that; somehow I rallied and got the job accomplished.
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DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!!!

Yes ..everyone wants to run away….but have a backup care plan for her in place before leaving. Look around for assisted living or a live in caregiver that has been background checked. You stay in control of finances. Don’t ever let live in caregiver do anything financial. There are alternatives. You just have to have a plan in place before leaving. You can tour a few facilities….Everyone has those fantasies, I think…to just run away..but realistically need to have someone else to take care of your mother. Hugs 🤗
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Charter a plane! Let's all go someplace else!
For your mother: "Mother, I cannot continue to care for you. You obviously cannot care for yourself. It's time to find a suitable housing facility for you. I know you don't like the thought of that, but this has to change NOW. We can start the process of looking for a nice place that can best serve you."
For you: I have a good job. I need to get back to it. Or, I need to actively find something on this side of the country that has equal value and career interest. Not that I would continue to care for my mother, but at least be near-ish.
Make a list:
a. where can Mother live in her new phase of life. There are health counselors your can hire who will do the looking for you, especially in terms of availability.
b. set your deadline for going home. Let your Mother know it. Stick to it,
c. "I am loved" say to yourself many many times a day
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I also am a 24/7/365(feels like more) caregiver to my almost 96 yr old mother w/dementia.
YES. I do feel that I want to run away too!! Every hour of every day. I’ve been doing this going on 8 yrs. I have no suggestions for either of us! Find some humor everyday. And just know, nothing lasts forever. Good luck! You are not alone.
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I just read about a missing woman cold case. Just come to light she changed her name just before going missing (was overlooked at the time). Passport in new name flew to Italy. Never seen again.

I immediately jumped to a great escape from an abusive marriage... but maybe her widowed Mother or MIL was about to move in..? You never know.. 🤔
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Feelings of wanting to escape...

Hide in a mental cave for a while if it helps. But not too long. Collect the little sparks of discontent. Then come out & look around. Take a walk. Drop the little seeds of resentment onto the ground.
They can grow & grow into trees of strong anger. Make use of this timber - own it, cut it, shape it, re-build & re-shape your life.
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Get help from local community groups like the Salvation Army. Also get help from Focus on the family on the internet.
I am praying for you.
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