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My wife was diagnosed in late 2019. As her illness worsened, I was her only caretaker, though Kindred Hospice assisted during her last 2 months. Her family and friends were aware of her illness from the beginning of our 6-1/2 year marriage, without mentioning it to me until late 2019. During 2020, they only visited about 3 times, and never called to inquire of her condition, or mine. One son and his family live only 15 miles away in Reno; the other son lives in San Francisco, yet he could easily call. Since her death, they never even once, call to see how I am (I'm 82 in March). I'm very lonely, though I have a small farm to run. Good neighbors, but we all keep to ourselves. I have 2 grandsons - one in Elko, NV, about 5 hours away and the other is about 10 miles away, but doesn't drive. They do call me, but how do I handle my wife's family's lack of consideration?

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I hope that you are doing well and pushing through the sadness and your pain , like I said before do for you and yours and keep in mind, your here right now , enjoy the sunshine on your face always and keep your chin up.happy times for you....
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Your 82 please let it go about them and don't lose one more second the rest of your life is for you and you alone blow them off while you're still in good shape. Have fun and enjoy every second You can.happy times..................
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So sorry for your loss. I am afraid this might happen to me someday. The problem is I have no other family other than DH grown children. They are in my will. If they ignore me, I will change my will. They will lose out on a great deal of money. I don't feel like I should tell them this. Either they like me or they don't. One of them is a deacon in his church. Will that make any difference?
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Geaton777 Dec 2020
tevincolorado, the wise thing to do is to discuss your hope for family care with the adult step children. You don't need to say anything about your will but you should never just "assume" them into the caregiving obligation. You will need to assign PoAs and a Medical Representative. You must give this authority to anyone who agrees to provide your care. You will need to provide all the funds for your care and your legal caregiver(s) need to have this assurance. You must avoid making them promise to never move you into a facility as this may not be feasible over time. If they aren't willing to be part of your care plan then at least there won't be any disappointment, hurt feelings or bad surprises. You can contact an elder law attorney for guidance on making a solid plan moving forward.
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Marjohn, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I would suggest hospice grief counciling. I found it beneficial when my brother died. As far as your in-laws are concerned It is not uncommon for some to move on after a death of a loved one. I would concentrate on your own family, keep in touch with your grandsons and try not to worry about the in-laws. You have enough going on right now and you certainly do not need more added stress. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time.
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Does the hospice service you and your wife used offer grief counseling? The one I used with my mom in Massachusetts does, you can talk with a counselor by phone up to a year after the death. It might be very helpful to have a conversation with your hospice service if they offer this.
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You don't. You continue to live, do your tasks on your farm, and stay in touch with your own family. Life simply gets in the way of people thinking about other people, even relatives. I regret not seeing/calling my dad MORE frequently when I was in my 40-50s. I was working and had a career, and he lived less than 20 mi away. Now that both parents are gone and I'm now in my 60s, there are SO many questions I SHOULD have asked my parents about our ancestry and my dad's military career, and my mom's education. Young people don't care about that. You are talking about an in-law family. Perhaps they resented your marriage to their relative, especially if they never said anything about your wife's health when you married, but why didn't your wife tell you? I even question myself...if my husband dies before me, do I want to continue a relationship with his side of the family? They are not blood relatives. We don't see them on a regular basis. My own cousins don't even respond to my Facebook messages. Do you do text messaging or Facebook? Maybe now is the time to start; you're never too old to learn, and you might have fun with it. My older sister has a son and 2 grandsons. She complains they don't call her. They are the Facebook generation and that's how they communicate, period. Join a club. Start flying kites (there's a HUGE kite family out there and would LOVE to have you join them).
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In our family, three visits per year is pretty good. People are uncomfortable with illness and death. Give them the benefit of the doubt and reach out.
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I'm very sorry for the loss of your wife. It sounds like her sons either weren't close to her or weren't able to handle the disease process that was happening with her. I do agree to send them a Christmas card as a way of reaching out. If they don't, then you know how they feel. Do stay in contact with the grandsons, if you drive, go see them. Reach out to your neighbors & your friends. Stay safe within COVID-19 guidelines, but try to socialize the best way possible. Join a virtual grief support group to work through your grief & anger. If needed consult a therapist. Don't isolate as you need to talk with others & redefine your future after you grieve. If you are religious, reach out to your pastor if you have one, if not call a nearby church for counseling. I hoe that you are able to work through your grief & find peace. 🙏
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Pick up the phone and call them- They don't know what to say. They are grieving too. I recently had a loss, my friends are grateful that I reach out to them when I am lonely.
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You can't make them stay in contact. Can't Change them either. Enjoy the time with whoever you have. Thank goodness for your neighbors too. I'm sorry for your heartache. I too have a dysfunctional family. I envy families that enjoy and love each other.
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marjohn1939: Firstly, let me say that I am so sorry for the loss of your dear wife. I send to you deepest condolences. Secondly, let me say that I am very sorry about your family's inconsiderateness. However, do not hold out for any sympathies from them. Sadly, you cannot change some individuals, whether they are family or not. Build a life for yourself with those who care, e.g. a grief support group, a church, et al.
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I am deeply sorry for the loss of your wife. Let her family go their own way. You cannot make people care about you.
In time maybe you can work on building a life for yourself. Keep in touch with your grandsons and your own family. Is there a place near your farm where you can go for a meal to socialize with some neighbors?
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NobodyGetsIt Dec 2020
"InFamilyService,"

"You cannot make people care about you." Never was there a truer statement made as unfortunate as that may be.

And I say the same thing - let her family go their own way; it's their loss!
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Dear "marjohn1939,"

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your wife on October 23rd.

I want you to know that you are not the only one that experiences this sort of thing. Even when the person with the illness is still alive, we often see friends disappear as well as family.

The few that suspected something wasn't quite right with my mom (one of her siblings and her ex son-in-law of my half sister) never told me either. I was angry as I might have been able to have her evaluated sooner and got her on medication (she has Alzheimer's - but she does pretty good for having it over 10 years now).

In my childhood home where my mom continued to live up until early 2015, our longtime neighbor promised to visit her when I moved her to her ALF. Unfortunately, they tried to interfere with my selling of her house, got angry that I figured out what they were up to and calling them out on it politely but, firmly. Obviously, not only did the neighbor never go to see my mom but, wouldn't even take my call so never heard from them again. One of our other close family friends kept promising my mom to go see her but, never did. I told her point blank "please do not keep telling my mom you will visit her when you have no intention of doing so." She still did it even saying she'd meet us for her birthday - she never showed up, called me and said she couldn't find my mom's facility even though I drew her a map. I asked her if she stopped and asked someone where such and such place is - nope. I caught her several times alluding to not wanting to see my mom because she wanted to remember her as she was. I know my mom was hurt and I hurt for her. All she has is my husband and I.

She nearly died in April from severe dehydration and COVID. I asked one person to make the calls as I was upset with all of my extended family. They didn't bother to call my husband and I either to offer support or even suggestions - just silence. My mom will be 96 in February, has been discharged from hospice oversight Friday and will never walk again. I don't have extended family in our state. My husband has two older siblings who live 1/2 hour away and an hour away. We don't hear from them either unless they have a crisis or my husband calls them.

So I feel for you since you have a small farm to take care of which tells me you're in a small area where you don't have contact with many people (as well as the pandemic situation) so I'm sure you are extremely lonely.

I don't know how you handle your wife's family's lack of consideration. For me, my mom has 5 remaining siblings, all in other states ranging in age from 76 to 90. I hate to say it but in my case I am in contact with just one of her siblings (my uncle and his wife) and their oldest daughter (my cousin). The rest I have let go of - my mom and I spent most of our lives attending family reunions (as my dad didn't enjoy going) in Denver, Montana, Washington State and Nebraska and now when they are needed most, they are nowhere to be found. I'm done with them and my husband and I are going about our lives. I am so glad to have reunited after 40 years with my cousin - that's the bright spot for me.

That being said, unfortunately it's at these difficult times that we truly know who our friends really are and the closeness or lack thereof with extended family. I wish it weren't so.

I know the upcoming holidays will be especially difficult and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers - that God would somehow fill your inner loneliness and you would feel His presence in your life.

May He give you peace as you continue grieving the loss of not just your wife but, the connections to family/friends.
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gdaughter Dec 2020
It's heartbreaking to me how so many are abandoned, for lack of a better word, when the proverbial shit hits the fan. People are not always who we think they are, even family it seems. I am still reeling from my near-death experience a few months ago which shockingly, but clearly, showed who would be there for me and who wouldn't. The nice surprise was neighbors and others who called and cared when the others jumped the ship. Worst of all was my sibling, who is blaming me for what happened because I didn't pay attention to my own health and has mom and dad's life and care all figure out. Clueless as to costs, she's just as soon shove them in an assisted living. And so it goes....
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I am so sorry for your loss. It is terrible how some people are just so inconsiderate. My aunt was married for 30 years and after her husband passed, his children has ceased to contact her. And that was after 30 years! It’s a shame. Maybe they need time to grieve themselves before reaching out to you but if they never do I wish you peace and hope you will find comfort. God bless.
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Send them a Christmas card telling them that you get pretty lonely and would love for them to visit you.

It works both ways. You could also call them.

Maybe they don't think you really care if they call since they're on your wife's side of the family?

You mentioned they only visited her 3 times.

Maybe you can go to Church or call and speak with the Preacher about this and I'm sure their are Church Members and Friends that would be happy to visit you.

Sone people just don't know what to say after someone's loved one dies so they do and say nothing.

Sad but since you're the one suffering, Please Reach Out.

You might even find a meeting with others that had a Spouse Die.

Prayers for you during this time.
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I am so sorry to hear of your loss and then the avoidance by your family. Clearly family connections mean more to some of us than others. I can so relate. People like us know when push comes to shove, it's family who will, or should we hope, be there. And sadly the reality is that is not the case for many of us. In the past few months I had a life threatening illness and am recuperating. My only sibling, an out of state sibling, showed up for a week or less. I am looking after, and live with our elder parents. She is spared all the worry, details, physical labor...or yes, she did offer to do what she could sitting on her little ass...pay their bills, which would leave me in the dark wondering and add another person to the mix which could make it all the more confusing so I said no thanks to that. On top of it she has been virtually non communicative, and had the nerve to not only blame me for my illness (my fault for not habitually seeing MD, and I should have known I have high blood pressure--which can be a contributing factor but is not the only cause of what happened which comes on suddenly)In retropsect, I'm surprised she even came at all. And after? She upset me greatly with the blame, and no apologies for that; and even more tallied up her expenses including airfare at the last minute and "incidentals" down to the penny! Expected ME to write her a check from parent's funds. This is the ethics/morals of someone who wants control of finances to pay bills? I told her they were NOT my funds (I am POA) and if she wanted money to ask her father. If he wanted me to write a check he would tell me and I would follow through. Apparently she doesn't have the guts to do that because she feels some remorse? Who knows. Not to defend her, but she is out of work and does have some unexpected expenses. But it all is so hurtful.
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I don't know what the relationship among all of you was but it is obvious for whatever reasons they are just selfish and simply don't have it in them to do what would be decent. I hate to say it but there are many, many of these people in society. They just don't care or have their own perceived reasons why they don't do this or that. Face the fact - it is what it is and as wrong as it seems, you are not going to change it - and if you did, it would be "phony". Once you realize how people are, and if what they do has a negative impact on you and your life, please get tough and walk away and never look back. They simply are not worth it. Seek out new connections and try to find things in your life to make it worthwhile to live. You don't really have a choice but to move on and let the past die off. Been there, done that.
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gdaughter Dec 2020
No matter how true your response is, it is so incredibly sad. But it is true we can't change others, only our reaction to them. Far easier said than done.
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Eloise, I am sorry you are going through this. How awful that they have not contacted you. You sound like a very strong, kind and loving woman. I would give you a hug and a Christmas present if I could. I hope you have friends and your own family to console and show you love. You sound like you certainly deserve it. Best wishes to you.
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My husband passed on September 21. I was his caregiver for a few years. The pain is hard. I also have not heard from his family. We were married 12 years and I’m just glad he doesn’t know how they have acted
all I can say is forgive them and pray for them. They don’t understand. I sent them boxes of his things. If they contacted me I would act like everything is fine, they have enough grief.
I will pray for you
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
You are very kind.
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As others have advised, looking ahead and outward will help your journey through grief and lonlines. Don't rely on your wife's uncaring family. They may see you as a late-comer into their lives and their mother's and not feel much attachment to you.

A Grief Support group that encourages participants to share their stories might be helpful to you. We have several men in the Grief Support groups I work with, and they find great comfort in being able to talk about how they are feeling. Men are less likely than women to have many people they talk to openly, so a support group can bring much solace.

When you are able, begin to look for activities and community involvements that interest you. You will build new friendships and social contacts and won't miss emotionally distant "family" much at all.

As you move ahead, you will begin to find other people who need support and encouragement from you and your life will become fuller again with these new relationships.
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You sound very caring for others. My sympathies to you.
I saw that someone mentioned Griefshare.
It is a very good program.
With Covid, I’m not sure how they meet. You must me good working a computer or phone so check out Griefshare.org
They may use ZOOM to meet.
Use FaceTime or Zoom to talk with the grandsons. Learn a video game to play online with them. Get an Apple Watch or some device that detects a fall or you can use to get help if needed.
You sound like a busy man.
Walk. Take care of yourself. Watch church on TV
Do chair yoga. Make a memory book of your life or your marriage. Take pictures of your farm and make a photo book. Stay safe but stay busy.
God’s blessings to you.
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I’m sorry for your loss, both of your wife and of the relationships you wanted to have. There’s no harm in reaching out, if you can do so without placing any guilt or blame, wishing them well in the holiday season and letting them know you’d enjoy them keeping in touch. Also know that acceptable is a gift you give yourself, accepting a situation or people as it as, and stopping the expectation that it will be more. I’m glad you have some family and community around you and hope you can continue to build on those relationships
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You cannot sit and stress over them. Celebrate and enjoy what you have
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This is what it sounds like: they were very relieved that you took your wife off their hands and their consciences, and now they'd rather not think about it.

Their attitude is not admirable. But...

You have to take them as they are, not as they ought to be.

I think it is very healthy on your part to have recognised that loneliness is a real and serious issue for you. More calls or visits from people whom, let's face it, you don't know well and have no particular reason to be fond of wouldn't do a lot to change that. Have you given much thought to your options, looking ahead? There are plenty, you know! :)
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jacobsonbob Dec 2020
CM, I was thinking the same thing you described in your first sentence! The wife's family members were probably thinking "what is going to happen when she gets worse, and who will take care of her?" so they were like people who sell their car when it first starts "making a funny noise" intermittently but don't say anything about to the new owner.
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I am sorry about your loss, your wife, and the absence of her family. Support sometimes can come from other than family. I am glad you reached out online.
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Sympathies on the loss of your wife.

Sounds like either the "children" were either not close to their mom or couldn't handle the dementia issues. Without discussing it with them, there's no way to know. If they weren't very close, then they did their "duty", visiting a few times. If it was because of her condition, that is a common issue - some can't handle dementia or figure out how to "deal" with it.

My OB visited mom by himself once when he was here a week or so to help clear out her condo (she was in MC already, close to 2 years.) When I suggested he visit her again a day or 2 later, he refused to go back, saying he "didn't know what to do with her." Sure, she repeated a lot and with bad hearing it was hard sometimes, but you just do your best! Nope. He wouldn't go. I would bet even if he was local he would not have visited again. He hasn't even asked about her in the 2.5+ years since then.

This is so sad, because when he showed up the first time with me on his arrival, her reaction was so overwhelming - not like the greetings I get ("What are you doing here? Where'd you come from?") Clearly she was overjoyed to see him and hug him, yet he couldn't even muster up enough to make another visit. It does happen.

Why they don't reach out to you? You really would have to ask them if you've said or done something. You need to reach out, either by phone or a letter, to make contact. Perhaps they don't want any relationship or perhaps they don't know how to deal with someone who has lost a LO, even though it is their LO too. As others suggested, when you phone or write, ask about them, how they are doing, what's new, etc. While it's nice to have someone to commiserate with, that could put a damper on any contact with them. If you can't avoid talking about your late wife, try to keep discussions about their mother light, remembering fun things she did or said, etc and avoid the trials and tribulations you went through. That's best shared here or with a counselor (even good friends will drift away if you harp on all the bad news.) But the primary focus if you contact them should be asking about them. If they don't respond to a letter or seem rather abrupt on the phone, most likely they don't want contact. It happens even when it is their own parent, not "mom's husband."

So, make an attempt or two at contact. If they aren't receptive, then just move on. Enjoy time talking with your grandsons. Plan some fun outings with them. Try to get out and mingle with others, to make new friends. Volunteer to help others or dogs/cats and you can build your relationship circle bigger, without them. You sound like a very caring person, don't let that go to waste!
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JoAnn29 Dec 2020
My brother did the same thing. Went to visit Mom in the AL. He stayed at Moms house. I went over there the next day, he was leaving the next day. Took over a box of things I thought he'd want. It got late and asked him if he was going to see Mom before he left, he said no. My DH told me later brother told him he just couldn't see her that way. I understood, she had really declined. She had aged 10 years in the matter of 2 yrs. But, I had to watch her decline every day.
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So sorry for your loss: first the loss of your dear wife and second the realization of the loss of family support. You can't make them call you, but you can call them and try to open up room for relationships to develop. If they rebuff your friendship, then turn to friends - and make new friendships - to fill the void. It no wonder that the Bible has a verse that says "there exists a friend that is closer than a brother." Go find that person.

In the meantime, please consider joining a grief group like GriefShare. The next year will be so much different without your spouse. People who have walked this road can help you in your journey. God bless.
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I am sorry for your loss, but I wonder about a couple of you points.

You say her family knew about her illness 6.5 years ago, but she was diagnosed in 2019. This is confusing.

I am surprised that they visited at all in 2020. I have not seen my Dad since October 2019. I usually would see him a few times a year, but due to Covid it just has not been possible in 2020. I have spoken to him perhaps 3 times. It is not easy to talk to him for a number of reasons.

My stepdad died 2 years ago. His daughter does keep in touch with my Mum, but his son and family do not. They were together for 26 years. I do not keep in touch with either of them. I do not have contact info for them and that is ok by me.

When my Granny died, I had no interest in any contact with her former partner and they were together for 20+ years.

You appear to have been married to their mother for 6.5 years, I am not sure how long you knew each other before marriage. You are not their father, you were their mother's husband.

My mother complains endlessly that certain people do not call her, yet, she does not pick up the phone to call them. Last I checked phones worked both ways.

As you may have guessed this is a bone of contention with me. I have had several elders in my family that complain a great deal about not being called, yet they have 100 and 1 excuses to not make the call themselves. OP you may not fall into this category, perhaps you are calling your late wife's family and asking after her grandchildren.

I cannot call my former father in law, a man I love dearly, as he cannot hear to use the phone, so I send him newsy emails very 3-4 months. I have no idea if he can access email anymore as I have not had a reply in 18 months, but I still choose to send them. Yes, you have read that correctly, I reach out with no expectation of a reply, to a man I am no longer related to by marriage several times a year.
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disgustedtoo Dec 2020
"You say her family knew about her illness 6.5 years ago, but she was diagnosed in 2019. This is confusing."

In the profile it says:
"I'm disappointed that her family and friends knew she was showing early signs of dementia when I met her, but they kept that from me."

The original post says:

"Her family and friends were aware of her illness from the beginning of our 6-1/2 year marriage, without mentioning it to me until late 2019."

So it is rather confusing if you don't read both the profile and the question/statement. The post doesn't mention dementia.

If the OP didn't know a whole lot about dementia, he could have missed those very subtle early signs and/or she was very adept at pulling up her socks and appearing normal. I could see and hear the difference in my mother long before either brother could. They were pretty dismissive.

The point here is that there can be a gap between someone having early signs that are missed (so no Dx) vs tests later, when it becomes obvious there is an issue. Sounds like the family either knew or suspected, but said nothing.
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Where you close to your wife's children before she got sick? As another poster pointed out you may be 'mom's husband' and not their 'stepfather'. My husband married me when my children were little so he helped raise them. If something happened to me I am sure they would still include him in their lives but that is the type of relationship they have. Now I like my husband's brother but we are not 'close'. If something happened to my husband I doubt I would be calling my brother in law often. That is just not the relationship we have.
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