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Hello everyone. Its been a while since Ive posted. First the good news. My oldest daughter is now in college. When I first began posting here she was starting high school. Ive been working outside of the home for the past two years. Beyond that things are still the same. For those of you just tuning into my saga, my children and I moved in with my father four years ago. My sister who has POA, pays for Home Health Aide to come in Monday-Friday 9-5. Although the home health aides usually make their own hours and come in from 10-4. (without permission of course). The other evening my father got aggressive Screaming and pointing in my face and threatening to "do worse " When I told my brother about the incident and suggested its time for Assisted Living he said thats not a reason for Assisted Living and that he would only go there if he could no longer get around on his own. He only needs assistance with meal preparation, medication management, laundry etc..all of the things that he would get in Assisted Living. My family is expecting to me to simply ignore him and focus on the blessings of caring for him. HUH?? This man is verbally and emotionally abusive on the daily. Then after he goes into one of his rages like he did the other night, he says it will never happen again He has always been a narcist and difficult to get along with. He has mild cognitive difficulties, nothing too extensive but his neurologist wanted to place him on aricept but my sister refused. So lets see they dont want him on medication or in Assisted Living,,,they simply expect me to feel blessed to be there. What can I do ?

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Video the next outburst on your phone.. or have someone else do. It may enrage him more, but that's in your favor. Show this to brother and sister. It may or may not help, but its worth a try.. and if you get hurt at some point you have proof you tryied to get help
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Can you find somewhere else to live. This may well get worse and that is not good for your children or for you. Your sibs are in denial as to your father's illness.
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Thank you for your responses. For some reason, I got no notification that anyone responded so my apologies for my delayed response. My sister was there the other evening when the incident occured She sat right on the couch and did nothing. On top of that she made it all about her and said if that ever happens again she will not come over because it was "traumatic " for her to witness.
My siblings think the solution is to ignore him and brush off what he says. Meanwhile my brothers avoid him at all costs and my sister knows she can simply go to her own house when he starts acting crazy. They dont look at the bigger picture. Anything can set him off. Whether its a phone call, a slight repair that needs to be made, if me or one of my girls asks him to come out of the bathroom because we need to wash up for work or school. Anything that happens is taken out on me. Ive put up with it for four long years.
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Do you have somewhere else you can go? I am with Golden, get out if you possibly can. When dad becomes irate call 911 and have him taken to a facility that can help him. Or drop him off at an ER, tell them you can no longer provide the necessary care.

I hope you are being paid something other than room and board (which many siblings often think is sufficient) for the care you are providing.
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YOUR safety and that of YOUR DAUGHTERS is most important. MOVE OUT. gladimhere's question is a good one -- are you being paid something other than room and board? Or is room and board expected to be all the compensation you get for putting up with this abuse?
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Room and Board is all . On the weekends I prepare his meals and give him his medications since the Home Health Aides no longer come on the weekends. My family feels the room and board is all I need. In fact my father regularly throws in my face in one of his weekly rages that "I dont pay rent and that he can take me to court and have my children taken from me " Not only that but he also tells his home health aides that I dont pay rent and that they dont have to listen to me. So they take full advantage, bring their teenage children to work and their children bring their friends... Ive looked into housing. Ive even tried to reach out to shelters but unless you are being physically abused they do not offer any help. Im open to any housing suggestions, Im in NYC, and the average rent is 1200.
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I agree, time to get out nd leave it up to siblings.
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You need to move.

Even if you were to succeed in getting Dad placed in a facility..you would have to move. You know your siblings would not allow you to remain at that point...yeah? So, do it now.

Announce to your siblings that you will be moving on Nov 1st...then do it.
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NYC is very expensive. Can you change jobs and move somewhere else less expensive? If your father is in assisted living, you will have to move in any event. Best if you start to work this out so you have somewhere to go. Once you have started getting out, you will feel better able to cope interim, but the reluctance of your brother and sister - well why should they care since you do all the work? They should be ashamed, but probably will never come around til you are gone and they have to.
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What kind of work do you do?

Yes, nyc is expensive, but there are inexpensive neighborhoods, there is NJ right across the river. You CAN RELOCATE.
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So... what's your plan?

I'm delighted for your daughter, btw. Many congratulations to her, and I wish her every success in her studies.

To return. Okay, suppose your siblings had a complete change of heart and agreed with you that your father should be moved to a facility and that went ahead. Then where would you go? Because if your idea is that dad is shipped out and you continue to live in the family home... that wouldn't be happening. Your father's house would presumably need to be let or sold to maintain him, facilities being notoriously expensive, and you'd have no right to stay.

Being on your own with dependent children is scary and I sympathise. But at some point you're going to have to move on, and you'll feel better about it if it's your plan and your idea and not just events pushing you out.

I"m sorry your family isn't more supportive. I can imagine how disgusted you felt with your sister's precious reaction to your father's outburst (goodness, I still seethe at the memory of 'your brother finds it so depressing to see your mother now' - the poor dear), and how enraging it is to be told be grateful for this sh*t sandwich.

But, so, you're in charge. How about your employer, or a new employer come to that. What prospects are open to you to improve your situation? The upside of your father's treatment of you is that you can walk away feeling nothing but relief. All you need is somewhere better to go.
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Ive lived on my own right up to the moment I was asked to move back in with my father. All of the struggle I went through was heaven compared to this ongoing nonsense. So my intention and goal is to not to take over the family home. I tell my father that all of the time. I do not want his house. I am not going to leave my current position. I have been at my job for two years and am well respected. I am not a freeloader.
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I don't mean this in a snarky or sarcastic way, I promise - but thanks for the reminder that not being a sole caregiver is not necessarily a bed of roses. I often wish for someone to help, without thinking about how little "help" they might be....
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We weren't meaning that you were a freeloader. Just that if dad goes to AL, you'll need to leave.

So, what's your plan? Put it in place and leave.
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Definitely ditto what everyone here says. You definitely need to leave for your own sanity and health. Your siblings are obviously taking advantage of you. I would film
his outbursts (as a form of protection) and start looking now for a better place to live.

The problem with aggressive, abusive elders is that they often will NOT be accepted into assisted living, but into dementia care instead. That type of behavior is not tolerated from what I've seen, but instead shunted into lock down type units. But so be it.

From what I've seen in my lifetime, anytime an abusive person has someone in a one down position, they will become more and more abusive until that person becomes
an empty shell, becomes ill or dies, or they leave. Leaving is the only sane option. Staying becomes an unappreciated and unacknowledged kind of martyrdom.
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Would it be possible to find a higher paying job in a place where the cost of living is not so high? What kind of job did you have before you were asked to move in with your dad?

You really need to get out of there for you sake and that of your children. It is not a good or safe environment.
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Youve been 'blessed" for 4 yrs now its time to "bleed" someone else. GET OUT.
and yes it will be hard. but you know its not your problem
Mutter that saying" Its not my circus, its not my monkey..
Your siblings have chosen to tell you its their circus but your monkey.
Get it off your shoulder immediately. Give them 2 wks notice that you are no longer going to be available. Find some accommodation, stick with the job you have and travel. tighten the belt, and within a few months I bet life starts living for you.
I hate reading about how siblings blackmail family members. and the parent increases their abuse and bullying.
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Thank you all of for your advice. I was watching a Lifetime Movie yesterday and it pretty much summed up what everyone has been saying, Abuse wont stop until you leave or it kills you. Imagine that, learning something from a Lifetime Movie. My family expects me to be a martyr as someone stated. Prior to moving in with my father I was working from home with a company that helps people find Assisted Living for their aging loved ones. If I were still there, it would be much easier to move out of state. The company closed and it took me a while to find my current position. Great jobs are hard to find. My job is awesome because they are flexible with time off, work/family balance etc. Im not planning on leaving my job. Another thing is that my girls school is excellent. My middle daughter is a junior and Im not trying to make drastic moves. So Im going to find something nearby. Just to give you an example of what I go through, my sister comes over for dinner every Sunday. It is expected that I not only cook, but also serve them. I mean set the table, put their food on the plate etc. They literally sit there and act like they are in a restaurant. Then they leave their dishes on the table. This is every Sunday
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Dear toomuch4me,

I feel for you. I think there is always one sibling that takes on the majority of the duty and responsibility with no validation or acknowledgement. I too felt like I was being treated like a servant in my own family.

I know Dr. Phil and many others say we teach people how to treat us. When you mentioned Sunday dinner, it hit so close to home. For my father's sake, I would try and organize Sunday dinners before he passed. I would buy the food, sometimes cook the food and then also do the clean up. There was never a word of thanks for anything.

I know its hard to break away from family sometimes. I keep trying to read about respecting boundaries.
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I understand you feel like you have a job so you should not move. Right now nationally we are at minimal unemployment- job seekers are at low. I believe you can find a great job elsewhere.

I understand about not wanting to cause upheaval in your children. However, as far as your junior goes, it is horrible for her to have this turmoil at home and be unprotected from what she likely sees as a nutty terrorist who lives for your discomfort. 

Does she attend a selective high school? If not, chances are good that a safe NJ high school would be just as good. We tend to think that familiar is better, but safer home life is what you want.

The book is Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
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My jaw fell off regarding the sun dinner..
I look forward to the report next Mon... cos 2 hrs before you are meant to be slave, you will text and state.. Please bring takeaways with you this week. I have not cooked. I would like ***** and some***** thanks.
There is that lovely saying about folk can only treat you like muck if you allow them. Your allowances have just been stopped by US ALL on this group topic. No more martyrdom.. no more submissive behaviour. .. You sound a wonderful person to know, Just remember the dog that has to have its tail chopped off is far better to have it done with one sharp swift cut, than every week so that it doesnt miss it.
I shall be sitting on your shoulder giving you dutch support.. And when the family want to know why by Sun [since you have time to twiddle your thumbs] count up the number of meals you have prepared and cleared away for over the past ** time and smile sweetly and say .. You have had your allowances stopped and the new you doesnt have slavery on a sunday allowed.. Next week they can either bring pot luck or as we say in this country. "Bring a plate" or have the meetings at their home and collect your father after breakfast would be good so that you can go out to a event for lunch. then they can bring him home after dinner.
Bet that has your sister gasping for air..
I hadnt realised my other siblings [3] were doing similar to my sister. So I stepped in and after a family meeting and they saw that we two had become a gang, they soon stopped their delegations etc. Once we had Ma settled into the dementia secure unit, and I noted several emails coming expecting orders to be followed... they got one short sharp response with the rest home phone # and address and that they could also either visit or ph. That my ph system didnt work and I wasnt their slave.
Peace has reigned for the past 18mths. They get informed of any changes, otherwise its silence of mutual distance. I feel for you.. and you have had some very good responses from here
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Good grief!

Since your Sunday "guests" are behaving like spoiled children, treat them like spoiled children. Give named individuals clear instructions and persist until each person follows it through. "John, please set the table. Alice, please fetch the silverware. Fred, please clear the plates and put them by the dishwasher." And so on. Stop being the skivvy and become the materfamilias instead. They might be in for a shock but they'll soon get used to it and it will be good for their rusty souls.
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I agree with enough is enough of Sunday dinner guests.

Inform them this week that you have plans on Sunday and what time will they be stopping by to pick up dad to take him out to eat.

And from here on in, they are either bringing food in or taking you ALL out.
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I think this board has a new project! I love muffincat's idea on how to quickly and cleanly cut your family of this disgusting habit of your being the Sunday Slave.
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I love y'all I do. This has already made my day. For those of you that have tuned into the saga, you already know that my sister is the Queen. Anytime I have given any sort of push back on being the resident Sunday Slave or even some Saturdays too...there is always a near war. For instance if my sister buys him something to eat on Saturday night he will ask for something to go along with it that I will have to make. I remember telling my sister I was not going to make anything extra and it turned into a big argument. If I tell them Im going out, they will have one of the Home Health Aides come to cook but then the Home Health Aide will leave at 4pm he Home Health Aides have no problems saying that I will be the one serving their dinner. . So that means when I come home, I have to fix their plates etc. Not to mention, my father also gets a gourmet breakfast on Sundays pancakes, sausage, coffee, juice...he really thinks he is living in an upscale Assisted Living. I swear Im usually more tired from the weekend than I am from working during the week.
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When you come home, you have to fix their plates etc.

Suppose you just don't fix their plates. Suppose you come home, go to your room, and stay there until they leave and they can fix their own dam' plates. What are they going to do? Break the door down? Have you frogmarched to the kitchen in leg irons?

And on the Saturday night sister specials, if she hasn't brought whatever accompaniment your father asks for you don't rustle it up. You say "oh dear, no, sorry Dad, she didn't bring any of that. Tsk tsk, maybe she'll remember it next time." Then serve him what she's brought, if you like, and if it doesn't throw out your existing dinner plans. Or pop it in the freezer for another time.

They're not making you, you know. You're allowing this. Stop!!! Discover your inner beastie with teeth and claws and a teensy little bit of a temper when it's justified. No row short of physical violence can be worse than your leading a life of constant defeat.
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Forgot to add that they think because I have children they should be helping to serve them...
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If I just went went to my maid chambers, my father would come and knock on my door or simply open it. "When is supper going to ready ??" with his face all angry. If I refuse, then it turns into the whole ITS HIS HOUSE I DONT PAY RENT BLAH BLAH BLAH. Trust and believe, I have tried many ways to avoid these weekly rituals.,
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Why don't you just stop letting these people treat you like this and leave. You survived without them before. You can survive without them again.
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So don't come home right after work! Then he can't beat on your door. Text sis ( no phone call,,, that will lead to argument) that you got "hung up at work" or "will be late".Its on her then!
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