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My mom had a stroke 2 yrs. ago when she was living in our home. It paralyzed her right side and she is unable to use her arm or leg even after therapy. She says she wants to come home, which makes me feel even worse knowing that she needs care that I can't give her. She is mentally alert and aware of what is going on. We have transportation to bring her home a couple hrs. once a month, but it does not make me feel better when she goes back. She is wheel chair bound and have to depend on public transportation for a little time at home. What can I do to accept this? She lived with us for 7 yrs. and my husband and I promised to take care of her.

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My dear kaf1954, you ARE taking care of her. She is where she can receive the care she needs - the care that you are no longer able to provide. It is not a fault of yours, but the facts of her physical condition. You continue to visit, and bring her for visits, and look out for her needs at the nursing home. You are fulfilling your promise to take care of her. Bless you!
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I hit "Post" too soon!!! Think about perhaps counseling for your own feelings - it has been two years and if you are still crying and depressed, it might help you. I hope so - you sound like a very loving person. You deserve to love yourself also.
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Kaf1954,
Here's what l would do to feel better if i were you:
Paste on a big smile and go visit your mom and take her something beautiful or whimsical to make her day happier. Flowers, a picture or poster, a wreath, a music CD or a pretty blanket or pillow or lap robe or a new sweater, hat, or jewelry. Brighten up her surroundings as much as you can, and extend that to her roommate if she has one. No apologies out of your mouth for her situation. You didnt cause it, and you are doing all you can to make it better. Remember:
All you can do is all you can do.

Express your gratitude to the NH staff who care for your mom. Be profusively thankful because (1) they are doing for your mom the things you want to do but cannot, and (2) if they know their effort is very appreciated, they will do even better for her. If you can take them little gifts, that's great; it will make their day just to know you appreciate them. Look at how pleased they are for your gratitude.

Smile, even if you're crying, and remember that you have done the right thing for your mom and your husband, too.

Do something special for him, too. He has put up with you and his MIL all these years! What a great man! Give him some lovin' and tell him how much happiness he brings you. No whining allowed about how much he puts up with, just tell him how good-lookin' he is, talk about how much fun you have together, and how happy he makes you every day.

Sometimes I find that pretending everything is OK is the first step toward getting there, and I've never felt the worse for doing something nice for someone else.

You defined your life for years in a different way than it is now. You need a new and positive description for yourself that includes gratitude and happiness. Don't let that get away! Go get it!

All this being said, depression can be a physical problem, so if your best efforts to get past this don't bring you relief, by all means look for a support group and/or discuss your concerns with your doctor.
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You said that you took care of her for seven years. Now she is paralyzed and in a wheel chair. I don't know the details but it seems to me that taking care of her at home would be very challenging and she would not likely receive all the care that she needs. Frankly there is no good answer in cases like this. Nursing homes, even the best ones, are far from ideal environments but sometimes there is no realistic option. My advice is to visit your mother frequently and do as much as you can for her.
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I think of Nursing Homes as akin to sending your child to school.

When our children are little, we can take care of much of their need for care at home if we choose not to work outside the home. Caregiving for an infant or toddler is intense, but mostly if we are young and strong, and can go without sleep for a couple of nights, all is well. Our children grow, thrive, develop new skills and need professionals to instruct them in the various subjects that they require to be successful at life.

My mother also had a stroke; then she broke her hip. She requires young, strong folks with specialized knowledge to get her from bed to chair, chair to toilet, upright to walk, aided and with a gait belt with a walker for 20 minutes every day. My mother also has dementia and becomes depressed, paranoid and has delusions from time to time.

I'm 63 years old; I have a husband with chronic heart issues. I have neither the strength nor the training to give my mom the care she needs and deserves.

I don't feel guilty at all. Sometimes, loving someone means getting them what they need, not necessarily what they want.
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My mother had Alzheimer's and I cried when I had to place her in memory care. She could not be left alone and I had a full time job. You do what you can and that's all you can do. I visited my mother every day and I did the best I could. You are doing the best you can. I strongly recommend exercise and taking care of yourself as a care manager, which is what you are,
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I am sorry for your pain. I agree not an easy time. Your mom is being cared for. Now it's time to take care of YOU. Talk to your doctor about seeing a therapist and getting some help. When you start feeling better, think about joining a support group with people who are in a similar situation.  You will be of better help to both yourself and your dear momma. Please make this a priority and reach out to your doctor today.
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Kaf, think it through.

Nuts and bolts of it, what would it take for your mother to return to living in your home?

It's possible. People with the most severe disabilities live in ordinary, private houses, after all. But what, exactly now, would it take?

Make a list. Then you add up, how much would it cost? In dollars, in hours, in resources - where are you going to find the money, where are you going to find these people, how will you guarantee their professionalism and their personal trustworthiness?

What I expect you will find, at the end of all this, is that it would cost your mother, your husband and you *far* more money than it currently does to - and here's the real sting - provide a *lower* level of care.

And meanwhile you and your husband would be at risk of buckling under the strain. You think your mother's aiming to split you up?

She lives at the facility because that's where the equipment and the trained staff and the dozens of pairs of hands are; but you and your husband love her just as much as you always did, and you don't care about her any less.

Try to shed the guilt so that, instead, you can enjoy her company and her visits to your home. If your heart is lighter, so will hers be.
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Kaf1954 dear Lady You are taking great Care of Your beautiful Mother but indirectly because Your Mom kneed's to be Cared for now by a qualified Team of Professional's Who are highly skilled in this field of Care where They have got access to lifts and hoists to cater for Your Moms needs. Since Your Mom is perfect in every way but for the stroke, try to arrange a rota of Family and cloce Friends every day to entertain Your Moms Mind, hence It will begin to feel like home. You and Your Husband have been wonderful to Care for Your Mom for 07 years but Your Moms Care kneed's have gone to the next level. Kaf1954 Both You and Your Husband can feel very proud of Yourselves.
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My father has had 3 strokes since October, 2016. Before these happened, I promised my Dad he would not end his final days in a nursing home. He is married, but his wife has her own medical issues. Anyway, he is now in a nursing facility, for the last stoke he had made him need care that we, his family, could not provide. I do not feel guilty. He knows I love him and always want the best for him, and at this point in his life this is the best for him! I travel 500 miles round trip once a week to visit him. We spend quality time together. STOP the guilt trip and just enjoy each other.
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I ,too, am looking for an answer to the guilt I feel about my mom. I feel weighed down by it. I can't give you an answer-just a shoulder to cry on anytime
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1. Remind yourself that you did not make her have that stroke.

2. Remind yourself that her care needs are above what you can reasonably do.

3. No one likes being in a nursing home and they about all say that they want to go home.

4. Bringing her home once a month may actually be making things worse instead of better for both of you.

5. See your doctor and ask for an anti-depressant.

6. See a therapist about this irrational guilt for you have not done anything wrong.

7. Try to stop beating yourself up over things that are beyond your control.

8. Also, it sounds like you may be having anticipatory grief in anticipation of your mother dying one day. That's normal.
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You are doing the best you can and I am in agreement with other visit her make this place she is at a positive and lovely environment for her. I think that is the problem with folks these days no supportive and hope you don't have to go through these yourself.
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Dear lady- do your best and forget the rest. It sounds like you really love your mom. I understand your sadness and I hope you'll find someone to talk to. Wishing you the best!
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So sorry you are going through this and sorry for your mom. Please know that talking to your MD and asking for help for yourself is key. I have been on meds for a couple of years now as I realized that crying and not being able to concentrate was not fair to me or my mom who I take care of. Surround yourself by positive people, ask for help, and most important take care of yourself. Good luck.
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You have done the right thing by ensuring that your mother is cared for 24 hours a day. I too did this after my mother could no longer do anything for herself and was wheelchair bound. I, like you am not physically capable or professionally capable of doing what she needs. I would have loved for her to still be at her apartment and me doing all those things for her that she needed there but she had a bad episode that took her mobility and strength away six months ago so I had no choice. It is only me and I have no other siblings or family of hers around. I look at it this way, if I had not taken the steps to make sure she was taken care of, what would have happened if I became unable to take care of her or died myself. She wouldn't have had anyone to care for her and handle her affairs. Now that this is done, I feel I have protected her safety. My mom also has her mind. I bring her special foods and things she likes and I make sure she has fresh flowers all the time. I also visit every other day. This trade off is the only way it could have been. I also feel sorrow and depression about the situation but it helps me to talk to a couple of the other family members where she is. We are in this together. Stay strong, you clearly love your mother.
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Kimber166
GOD BLESS YOU! your reply to Kaf1954 was wonderful. I have always tried to treat people with kindness and show appreciation in my life. I do have to ignore people who mean well, perhaps, and they are entitled to their own opinion. Perhaps those people are terribly unhappy and instead of showing compassion and appreciation they become angry and critical.
I don't try to change their opinion
I think I learned that when I was a young child in elementary school. The other little girls in my neighborhood and I had a squabble one day and they ran away and wouldn't play with me. My mother was angry at them and that didn't help me feel any better. I went to the back door of my young girlfriend's home. She was not home but her mother was preparing dinner in the kitchen. I told her about our squabble and she could see I was really hurt. Her suggestion to me was to comfort me and also to bring them a treat. I learned what a peace offering was from that experience. I went home and made bread and jelly sandwich and took them to my friends. I had learned how to be kind to other people when the inevitable bad times pop up. My mother never learned that. She was always jealous of all my girlfriends as life went on and her actions made me feel worse. My girlfriends mother taught me how not to behave that way.

rosepetal
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I would try to find a home health care agency near her nursing home, and hire them to send an aide out to be with your mom 2-4 hours a day, maybe 3-4 days a week. It's well worth the money to have a second set of eyes on her more frequently, and that aide could make sure she is warm, comfortable, and well socialized.
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kaf1954, I can definitely relate. We had to move my father into a nursing home and he complained a lot. It was heart wrenching many times. It's incredibly difficult when you are in the midst of things, seeing your loved one in that kind of situation. Everything we went through, I realize now that it was 100% the best thing for him. I visited my Dad as often as I could, I brought him lottery tickets, talked to him and we played cards. My Dad had people to watch over him 24 hours a day and had people to talk to. He has since passed away, but given the choice, I wouldn't have done things any differently. Know that you are doing the best you can and make yourself #1 priority. Take care!
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You are taking care of her...by allowing people that are trained to care for her care for her.
You can be a Daughter first and an advocate for her. So you really are still caring for her it is not just the day to day stuff. If you do not have a place that is set up and you do not have the equipment then that makes it even more difficult. Not only could you get hurt trying to transfer her you could hurt her. And trust me even with equipment things happen.
And I read something that made a lot of sense to me.
Then someone says.."I want to go home" ..that often does not mean they want to go HOME it means they want to go back to a time when they felt safe and well. Often that is a childhood home or maybe when they were first married but it may not mean they want to go to the home were they most recently lived.

Another thought...your Mother probably would be the first to tell you that she would not want you to give up your life caring for her, that she would want you to care for your family first. I have often said it would have killed my husband to know what he put me through the last 4 years of his life. He would not have wanted that for me or for himself. I am sure your Mother would feel the same.
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My father used to say that! All you can do, is all you can do. And you have done just that. I was blessed to find a good healthcare program for my mom, she lives in a brand new senior building right across the driveway from the program. She is in pain because of her knees. The doctor, the nurse, the nurses aides, the PT, all came to visit when she moved in a month ago. The doctor stopped by with the nurse last week. But when I visit her, (she lives 15 mins. away) and see her sitting in the wheelchair, my heart breaks. I was depressed yesterday. It's hard to see our once invincible parents become frail and venerable. It's hard. I bought tickets to a play. My daughter will take her, wheelchair and all. I'm surprised at the activities for seniors and those who need additional care. I will go take her to Bingo in her building next week since I know she won't go on her own. Do what you can. And do take care of yourself. I'm joining the Y. And do love on your husband. It's difficult for him, too, I'm sure. God bless you.
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It is painfully hard to watch a parent decline beyond the point where you can care for them. Unfortunately, there is something in our culture that tells many of us that we must be responsible for our parents' care in later life--no matter what the personal cost.
You did take care of her for seven years--please remember that--that is a long time. Way beyond what most adult children will do.
If I were in your place, I would consider other posters' suggestions to seek out a therapist or support group. You might find other facing a similar situation or at least people who recognize the difficult situation that you are facing. Good luck.
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I have not seen any indication that you are a believer. This is a time for you to heavily depend and lean on the One who created your mom. I have found that starting my day with prayer in which I ask for guidance (as well as patience, love, strength, gentleness, etc) helps to ground my day and helps me remember why I'm doing this. Sometimes I get a surprise and my mom asks me to join her in her devotion. What a blessing. God bless you in your ministry.
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Rosepetal--Your response to Kimber166 reminded of a situation a friend once described to me. He and his playmates were walking along a street but very angry at each other and about ready to get into a fight. His father happened to drive by and called out to them, asking who would like to go get some doughnuts. They forgot that they were angry and basically had an impromptu party. I wonder if there are equivalent ways of "distracting" family members who can't agree or even get along when it comes to caregiving and relations with each other and their parents--maybe it would be better in some cases if adults could behave "like children"!
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wow...that would break my heart too!! i adored my mother. i took care of my mother thru all seven stages of dementia. she was bedridden for the last 14 months. she died at home in her bed. I had to feed her, bath her, with soapless cleaners. NO it wasn't easy...but i did it. you have to be healthy to take care of someone in those stages of life...but it's possible. Anyway...if you can't keep her at home with you...lots of good suggestions above. take care!
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There is so much understanding and compassion in all those answers that i dont know why i want to add my word to all that kindness and wisdom.
I think that the biggest problem for your mom and for you is the difficulty to accept the paralysis. Indeed, it IS a tragedy.
Uour mom wants to go home, that is to WHO SHE WAS when she was there. But it is not there any more. That "home" is gone.
Just try to make her life lighter, be there for her. This "there" is at her new place. Dont let her down "there".
Accept your limits as not being able to be the perfect nurse 100% of your time. Ot is not you. You would try that you would fail.
Go see her, give her some of your time, your love, your understanding, sharg your joy:
THIS is a wonderful gift for her and for you.
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I'm sorry, it's a very hard thing to go through. Especially when they go into a facility and still have their wits about them. (My mother had dementia and went into a nursing home, but didn't even know she was IN a nursing home! It would have been much harder on the family if she'd been demanding to 'go home' every time we saw her.) I think you have been suffering enough and ought to see a doctor and get some medication. You might not have to take it forever. There is only so much a body can bear, you know what I mean? Your mother is physically disabled with the stroke, and you are emotionally disabled. Good luck!
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Bprowse2 and njny1952, I agree with You.
Scottdenny We come onto this wonderful Age / Action
Site to help and encourage and Our Fellow Carer's
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What is you tried to make her feel at home at the nursing facility by inviting friends and family to come visit. Socializing may make her feel better to see people. Also, does she do any activities there that she enjoys? Maybe ask friends and family to help with bringing activities for her that she likes doing. Or maybe ask volunteer services for suggestions or if anyone can come to keep her company. I hope some of these suggestions will help in some way.
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I say good on you for your care of your Mom. And councelling is a good idea. Depression is nasty
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