Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Kaf1954

First of all, I want to tell you that I highly commend you for being there for your mother and loving her as much as you do! Unfortunately, there are many mother's and father's and grandparent's out there who don't have someone like you! There are many elderly individuals who have family that don't care what happens to them. You are a wonderful daughter with much empathy, who has given your life, your time, and your heart,
as well as making sacrifices for your mom. It is people like you that truly “make a difference” in this world, even if for one person. Your precious mom. She is blessed to have you. :)

The best thing you can do for her in this difficult transition is take care of yourself mentally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Mother's have a way of knowing when we are upset, sad, and/or stressed. When you are confident and happy, she will also feel more relaxed with the situation. Even if she doesn't tell you that she knows you are doing what is best for her right now, you have to know that in her heart she truly appreciates and loves you!

Maybe, at some point, you can bring her back home and hire a full-time caregiver who can assist her and even teach you how to do the things you are unfamiliar with. If that is not an option, I suggest continuing to visit her as often as possible, and make the time that you are there an enjoyable time for both of you. You are doing a great job, kaf1954!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

The feelings you describe may be a part of the grieving process. Caregivers often go through a mourning process, even though they don't recognize it on a conscious level. We mourn the loss of the person they used to be, the change in roles and relationships, the loss of independence, etc. There is also an element of fear -- what will the future look like? Will I be able to cope? How will my life be affected? I would highly recommend that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your doctor. Your depression can be helped with medication or therapy -- nothing to be ashamed of! Sometimes our bodies need a little help, especially when faced with such stressful situations. Be kind to yourself and recognize all that you have done and are now doing for you mother. She is blessed to have such a loving and caring daughter! Take care of yourself!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The real truth is that your guilt feelings are a manifestation of your mind. Feelings of guilt have to do with the feelings we get when we do something wrong. You have done nothing wrong which eliminates guilt. The other issue is that in today's society the overriding theme is multitasking. Which in the case of the caregiver means you need to be a super lady and do your own things plus take care of your mom 24/7. The truth is that God has created us to do one thing at a time. The modern concept of multitasking is overrated and basically conforms to a non-productive lifestyle. Keep loving your mom and spending time with her. However, since she is lucid, you need to continually drive home the point with her that she is in the best place for 24/7 care. the simple fact is that you have not had the training or practical experience to deal with her issues. Therefore she is in the best place and you can spend time and love her as a mom and leave the caregiving to the professionals.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

In response to another post here....I often wonder if there is a correlation between how good a parent was to their children and how often the parent in the nursing home is attended to, visited by, their children. It can get complicated! Just because a parent was a 'good parent' doesn't mean their child is going to love them exorbitantly for that. And I know a lot of awful older people, alcoholics, druggies, criminals even, who neglected their kids and abused them. And yet, the kids just adore MawMa and Daddy Ray ! Interesting! (I know of an old lady from a church who is in a nursing home with dementia, and all her church friends tsk tsk that this wonderful, energetic, full-of-life little sparkplug (in her younger days) is now pretty much ignored by her daughter. Oh, the cruelty! Well, I know the daughter who says it's one of those cases of putting on a wonderful front to the whole world, and being a cruel, unfeeling, miserable mother behind closed doors.)

Also, I wonder, in response to that other post, has anyone ever taken their parent out of the nursing home and returned them to live in the child's home? Does that ever work out??? Sounds like a disaster to me!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Can you purchase or rent a lifting machine for your home?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

dear Kaf1954
I was born in 1953 and I think we were raised in a similar way, that is with very good values but a lot of I SHOULD do this, I SHOULD not think that, etc... Guilt, then, was not necessarely a consequence of what we did wrong, but what we think we should have done, based on an ideal way up there that only matched PERFECTION. It may be a good incentive to do well, but it also weighs us all down. Somewhere inside you, you believe you SHOULD care for your mother at home. Somewhere inside her, she believes you SHOULD take care of her. However, you BOTH know your limits and you can both accept it. Your mother must love you a lot for you love to her so much. Therefore, she does not really want you to sacrifice your life for something you know is beyond your abilities. She is AFRAID. You are AFRAID.
Visit her often, care about what she is going through, bring her a joyful daughter, not a guilty one with red eyes and with heavy shoulders. Be kind for yourself, respect your life and she will have some sunshine when she sees you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I share the guilty feelings you have, and can sympathize completely. I love the advice given you here about visiting her as much as you can...bringing a smile, positive energy and little gifts that will delight. You are doing everything right. She is living in a place where she can get the care she needs, which has surpassed what you can offer at home.

I, too, have heard my mom say "I want to go home.". My heart breaks every time. I believe this inner struggle will continue as our hearts and our brains disagree a lot.

I also agree with the advice given here about putting lists together to prove to yourself that her living IN your house just isn't feasible any longer. Let your brain prove to your heart that this is the best scenario for your mom.

Then go buy something delightful for Mom, give it to her along with your love, smiles and positive energy.

And, know you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

kaf1954,

Thank you for sharing your story. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I feel a little more normal now reading your story. Except for the husband, it's practically my life exact story for the last 8 years.

The stress from holding down a full time job, keeping up on her laundry and finances and visiting her EVERY day, caused me to have a SAH stroke. I was one lucky girl. Don't let that be part of your story.

Take care.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter