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Just talked with Mom yesterday and she brought up the subject of moving (or not, actually) to the AL living place she's interested in. Basically she stated in no uncertain terms that she's not interested in moving there any time soon -- at least as long as COVID is an issue. Let's see...she says the food is terrible because they are serving each meal in styrofoam containers and she can't imagine what kind of food that could be served that way (interesting to me how she determined the food is terrible because of the way it's served). And residents have to go pick up their food from the dining room and she can't carry it because of her cane/walker (they will deliver, but for a fee which she doesn't think is right). And no one can socialize. And if you leave to go to the doctor, etc., you have to isolate for 14 days (meanwhile, mom had her housecleaner over -- no masks and the housecleaner regularly babysits her grandkids).

The good news is this week she had a shot from a pain doctor that has made her leg feel somewhat better. She said she felt good enough to go to the pharmacy and walk around inside.

I'm glad she's feeling better -- and told her so. I just wish our phone calls didn't end up being a good part of her venting/negativity. I can only take so much of it. In the past when I've told her this she says her friends all say they are amazed at how positive she is. ????!!??

Obviously the bottom line is mom's going to do what she wants when she wants. I think I need to do my best not to worry about what-ifs related to her. This is not the way I would approach things, but that's me and she's who she is. I'll still talk with my brother about what he thinks, especially since he's closer and sees her more often, and I can also research places here in my town, but I think we're not there yet in terms of getting my mom to move.

Thoughts?
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Do your research and have some places in mind for when the time comes. At this point she still gets to make decisions for herself even if they are bad ones or ones that will greatly inconvenience others. This is why you need to have a Plan B ready. She will have an 'event' that will no longer allow her to live alone and at that time you will have to scramble to find someplace for her (as I said, inconvenient to others). In a perfect world she would move before your brother moves so both of you could work on this together. But we all know she is not thinking about making things easy for anyone else.

Your brother has gone above and beyond. Someone suggesting that he is leaving her high and dry is insane. And don't even get me started on the 'sacrifice' post.
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MomsOldest Dec 2020
Thanks for the suggestions lkdrymom. It all feels like waiting for a shoe to drop!

Someone had suggested that I move mom closer to me since my brother plans to move away (he'll be at least as far away as I am). When I was talking with mom on the phone the other day I thought about suggesting it but I noticed I hesitated. I finally realized this morning why. Years ago my inlaws lived in a care facility within a mile from where I worked. When they moved in they were in the independent care portion, but my MIL had Alzheimers and before long she had a fall and ended up in Skilled Nursing. I visited from time to time on my own since it was close to my work. Then my FIL died. And after that I got divorced but continued to visit my MIL because I was now living and working very close by. It was also because I felt guilty. My ex-husband rarely visited his mother, feeling like she "wasn't my mom anymore." SIL lived an hour and 1/2 away and she and my ex pretty much only came by for the official care meetings. As my MIL continued to deteriorate, I found it harder and harder to visit -- although she was always happy to see me ("hi honey!" though she didn't know who I was) -- but the guilt would get to be too much and I'd go at least for a while. She held on for a couple of years after my FIL died, eventually passing from breast cancer. I think she let go when her two children were told she was nearing the end and they finally spent some quality time with her.

So back to my mom. When I take the above experience into consideration I suspect guilt would largely be a guide as to when I would visit mom at a local facility and, especially, in bringing her back to my house. She's not easy to be around. I suspect I'd start feeling stressed out if I thought I should be doing more and couldn't. I think about what happened with my MIL -- I was certainly very stressed at times and had to force myself to visit her! So that makes me pause.

I think at this point I'm back to trying to encourage mom to move into her place of choice in her town (it's Brookdale -- and reading some of the posts here I'm a little worried about the cost! She'll have enough for a few years when she sells her house.) sooner rather than later. But having a Plan B in mind if we get an emergency situation. Will talk with brother and SIL about this early next year.

I appreciate the helpful comments!
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Good news: brother is moving out of state but he tells me mom has agreed to move with him. He said he will put a small place in his new yard to house her. I verified that she was in agreement with this and she said yes. It won't happen immediately -- lots of details to sort out -- but it's a relief to me knowing that mom will be more closely monitored when it happens.

In the meantime, he may be moving before she does to oversee the details, leaving mom with less nearby support. I've told both to let me know if I can help (she will need to sell her house and there's still a lot to do there) but to be honest I'll be surprised if mom or brother calls -- it's just not what they do. I've tried to be proactive in the past (as I've detailed) but the overtures have always been turned down so I'm staying out of it for now. I do feel that if the move comes to fruition (only some doubt because of all that needs to be done to make it happen and all the possibilities of what "could" happen instead given my mother's physical state) it will be best for my mother and workable for my brother and sister-in-law.

I appreciate their willingness to do what I could never do. It works for them, I think, because my brother is much like my dad was -- and mom can relate to that. Mom and I have been like oil and water for so many years now that I could never have considered having her in my home. I'd be divorced and/or a runaway! While I continue to feel some guilt for not being able to help as much as I think I could as a daughter, I just keep reminding myself that as long as my mother continues to be lucid, she can chose to do as she likes. And that's A-ok.

Thanks for listening and any feedback or observations are welcome!
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