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Looking after Mum with dementia. Through the past few years I have scarificed a lot, magnified by covid. I have lost touch with my friends, have no time or energy for social life. I’m in my late 30’s wondering if I’ll ever meet anyone, have children, let alone even have time for a date. The only person I talk to is my mum who it’s becoming increasingly harder to have a proper conversation with. My own health has suffered massively, I’ve gained weight due to the constant stress and tiredness, my sleep is all out of whack, I’ve developed asthma and have anemia. 3 years I go I was fit and healthy. I hate the sight of myself now in the mirror, I don’t see the girl I was and want to be. Now I’m at a crossroad of where I’m being forced to make a choice between Mum and my profession. Even if Mum goes to a care facility, I would not be able to see her due to health regulations inevitably and there is 0 other family. I fly overseas for a career and if you’ve been overseas, you are banned from visiting an aged care facility due to covid. This was my dream and I worked many years to get to where I am. I don’t have the same earning potential elsewhere, which would bring further strain. I feel like my whole life has been hijacked if that makes sense and I’m not happy. I keep wondering if Mums dementia is worth me losing all of this, friends, my own family, my health and profession and where I’ll be in 10yrs time, if I keep going like this. I keep looking at others my age moving on with their lives, progressing whereas I am back peddling in every way. Yet the thought of just dumping my mum at a care facility and not being able to see her, makes me feel sick in the stomach as we’ve always been super close. I can imagine if I did that, it would come back to bite me later and then I’d regret that. I really don’t know what I’m meant to do. I have to choose between myself and Mum. It’s like we are both falling off a cliff and I’m holding on to her hand and if I let go, I will survive but if I don’t, we both fall. Only this is not a cliff so I’m so confused! I love her and for now I can still have conversations with her but what about couple of years time, when she no longer remembers who I am,.. will it all be worth it then for me to have lost all the above mentioned? The profession is not something I can drop and pick up again later without starting again from the very beginning,.. it’s built on seniority. I wish my workplace was able to give me further leave but I’ve been given a deadline. My whole life I have pretty much invested for my family, I also have a brother with a disability (in a care facility overseas) and my other brother was sick and passed away 2019. I’ve been worrying since I was a kid for my family and used to think, when I grow up, I’ll finally be set. I used to think then I can finally have all the security I missed as a kid and be free while also being able to provide assistance to my family. Key word being “assistance, not losing all I have”. I feel like my late 30’s are a break it or make it point where I really need to establish my own future or suffer the consequences now and later. Where do you draw the line,.. how do you weigh up all this! It’s absolutely breaking my heart both ways. If it weren’t for covid, admittedly things would be different. I’d be able to place Mum in care and go back to my profession of choice and see her on my days off, all would be well. I will add that these restrictions even apply to home care and respite. I’m feeling a whole lot of resentment and just feel upset all the time. Neither choice will result in a happy outcome.

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Place mom, go on with your career, see her on Zoom or another face to face device as often as you want. Go forward and don't wither in place.
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Beatty Nov 2021
'wither in place' 😔 Excellently put.
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Would your poor mother want you to not have a family, not be financially stable, be unwell, burnt out and unhappy, in order to be a hands-on caregiver to her in her demented state? I think most loving parents would NOT want this for their child.
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Cappuccino42 Nov 2021
The current Mum has no regard for my wellbeing,.. treats me more like a personal slave to be honest. She’s not able to comprehend the situation and thinks me catering to her 24-7 while working another full time job is completely normal and stock standard the same as a mother looking after a baby. If I try push back or say I need help, she becomes a pain. But if I think of the Mum she used to be and ask myself what she would say back then, I think she would say to not let her be in my way. Personality wise she really is not the mother she was. She is in my mums shell with shared memories but different opinions and choices.
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Self preservation is key, once resentment sets in hate follows.

time to put your mum in a nursing home where she can be looked after by others and you can get a little quality time back by just visiting your mum.

Im a mum and would not want my 30 year old daughter putting her life on hold for my care. It would not be fair.

you have done enough, you have been a wonderful daughter who obviously loves her mother.

Get your life back.
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Cappuccino42 Nov 2021
thats the thing though,.. I won’t be allowed to visit her if I stay in my profession. So if I do place her, I’m literally cutting ties with her as due to regulations I won’t be allowed to see her if I’ve been overseas. I’ll be able to see her only once a year during my actual holidays as that’s the only time I would have ever NOT been overseas in the last 14 days. I know it will kill Mum as there will be no one else to visit her, just me once a year. My only hope is that the law / regulations change and people that have been overseas can visit aged care. With everything else I agree with, thank you for your advise :)
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Can someone else live your life for you? No. You are the only one who can & unless you win lotto, the only one who can earn income for you too.

Are there are other options to provide 24/7 care for Mom besides you?

Basically if you had 6 siblings, all living local, you could do one day a week: co-care & still have a life. But you don't. (Who does..? anyone..? I sure don't).

So if a complete battle of martyr vs common sense - I choose the common sense option - which is Mom needs more help that you alone can provide. Find it. Make peace with it. It's not perfect. But just how it has to be.
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Cappuccino42 Nov 2021
Even if it means I’m only allowed to enter the care home once a year during my holidays due to covid restrictions for overseas travel? I’m not sure how my Mum will cope with no one visiting her :( I feel like it’s a death sentence to her. She’s used to going out shopping, coffees, movies with me. But I won’t even be able to pick her up to do these on my days off as I’ll be banned from entering any aged care facility for my profession of travelling.
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Stop looking ahead years into the future and predicting what Covid rules will dictate, that your mum will "die" without your company and visits and all the rest of it! There is no guarantee of TOMORROW for any of us, never mind next year or beyond. And most elders THRIVE in managed care, you'd be shocked to know we're not as important to their well being as WE think we are! Zoom and FaceTime is perfectly fine, and so are teams of carers looking after them, and other elders to socialize with.

Stop looking for reasons why this won't work, realize it WILL, then agree to move on with YOUR life and be happy. Resentment anger and burn out isn't helping you OR your mother, in reality. My mother has been in managed care since 2014 and I certainly haven't "dumped her off" there either! That's not a reasonable or healthy way to look at the reality of the situation at all. Unless in home care is working out well for BOTH of you, without anger and resentment, then in truth, it's working for NEITHER of you.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your own life now.
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Sophiahd Nov 2021
Great point about most elders thriving in well-managed care. I think there is the stereotype of being dropped off to rot, but the reality is a time of trained people are what many elders, especially those with special needs require.

@Cappuccino42, I think you need to start putting yourself first. It sounds like your own health is suffering. That’s not a good sign. You can’t look after someone else’s health if you can’t look after your own.

Finally, resentment is a normal part of elder care. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
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A few more thoughts:

Is your overseas work placement likely to be stable? If so, would the money work out for you to take your mother with you and place her in a care facility close to you while you work overseas? Sometimes care facilities are a lot cheaper in other countries, or you may have the option to sell assets (a car? a house?) to fund her care if there is no pension income.

Covid regulations are not likely to last forever. If you are both vaccinated, would mother cope in a local care facility for two or three years (perhaps less) while things settle down? She may not be happy about it, but then very few people are.

If she goes into a local facility and you ask around (Church, for example), you may find someone who would be willing (for payment) to visit her once a week, deal on the spot with the issues that come up, and keep in touch with you about her situation. A care manager would take it on, but you may find a friendly retiree who could get on well with mother, and be a ‘new friend’. They could help mother set up zoom with you, too. It sounds like quite a nice little job for an older person with time on their hands,

Keep thinking outside the square. It isn’t limited to just you and mother continuing just the way you are (except getting worse). Good luck and best wishes, Margaret
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Well it's perfectly fine to choose NOT to place Mom in a facility, during these Covid times, continue as you are & stay full-time caregiver.

But you mentioned a work deadline? Is this to return or quit? So there are big consequences to that decision.

Covid, vax & travel rules will change I expect, although the future is never certain.. (another 'delta' could be around the corner).

What would you regret MORE in 3 years time? Seeing Mom infrequently & on video calls only or losing your job?

Is your career something you could pick up easily again or not? Are there many jobs? Have you the finances if left unemployed for longer than planned?

Could you compromise with a local part-time job (at something else) & hire in-home aides to create some balance? For say 6 months then re-visit?
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rovana Nov 2021
Unfortunately, VERY FEW people have the kind of finances we are looking at. Quitting paying job and hoping that something will turn up when elder is dead, no earning record for you, no SS. Nothing coming in.
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Cappicuccino42...why do you feel your mother's life is so much more important than yours? She got to live her life but you have been unable to live yours because you have been forced to care for her. This could go on for years, and when she passes what will you have to show for it? Parents want their children to thrive and live their lives, not wither in place as someone above said. Maybe the person she has become would like that but not the person your mom was.

Covid will not last forever. There are zoom meetings. The last two times I saw my father alive were through zoom. The second time he was barely conscious so an in-person visit would have been for nothing as he wouldn't have known I was there.

Look into other options if you are afraid of AL. There is no law saying you have to be the solution to everything.
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Whatever choice you choose, you have to be willing to live with the outcome - both will be hard, but which one will you regret the most? I know you think this professional opportunity will never come again, but that's not necessarily true as there will be other opportunities that come even decades later. However, your mother has a definitive amount of time left, and that can't wait. I know how you feel because I am in a similar position with my dad, I too feel like my life isn't mine anymore. But the conclusion I came to was, I won't always have my dad. I have the rest of my life to figure out MY life - decades upon decades of time. I dont have that time with my dad. He is on a much shorter timeline. So I chose my dad. Because personally, I couldn't live with the regret, it would probably kill me later on from sheer guilt. The price I'm having to pay for now, putting my life on hold...I think when I'm 50 or 60 years old I'll look back on it and know personally for me, I made the right choice.

Then again, I dont want kids. And I dont have a job overseas. So ultimately, you know what is best for you. Maybe you dont need to make the decision immediately. Maybe time and the universe will make it for you if you allow things to happen more naturally.
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2021
And which one will you regret for longest?
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Cappuccino, what country are you living in? I'm not aware of restrictions that apply to home care. How does that work?

In another post, you talk about how lonely and withdrawn your mother is becoming, and how important her friends were to her before she developed memory issues.

In a good facility, there will be people for her to interact with all the time - not just one tired daughter who's also stressed by work commitments. There will also be people who can help her have phone or facetime conversations with you and explain, if need be, why you're unable to come to see her in person.

It sounds as if you're feeling overwhelmed by the different challenges presented by any of the choices that are available, and it is difficult to think these things through especially when there are so many uncertainties. How far have you got with researching what the actual, practical options are?
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Your mother is not the reason that's holding you back from having the life you're claiming to have had three short years ago. Depression and fear are the more likely culprits that are holding you back. You are also probably having a mid-life crisis too because you're around the time in your life when the having kids window starts to close. You talk about not having the same earning potential as before. Now is around the time where some professions and jobs start 'aging out' with people in your age group. They want younger. None of this is your fault or your mother's.
Based on the age you say, I'm about ten years older than you. Maybe a little less. I never had any biological kids, but I am a mother. I also have financial insecurity. I wish I had known when I was your age and younger to sacrifice for myself first for my own sake and future instead of for my family who I get nothing from.
You know how when you get on a plane they say in an emergency to put your own oxygen mask on first before the kids? It's because you won't be able to do for the kids unless you do for yourself first.
Let me tell you something. Whatever relationship or love you have for your mom will be gone if you continue on as you are. What will take its place is resentment, anger, regret and even hatred. You will go from helping and caring for her to being a slave and dementia is a cruel master. I would know my friend because I've been 12 Years A Slave so far on this elder care plantation.
Get out while you still can. There are other options available for your mother besides a nursing home. There is homecare options (both hourly or live-in). There are assisted living communities. There are memory care facilities. Many of them are very nice places. Check some out for her.
Then get yourself into some therapy for your own sake. Good luck to you.
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Use whatever resources available to you to put your mom In custodial nursing care. Your mom WILL get the care she needs. Then, you can focus on your own issues.

She cannot depend on YOU if you’re falling apart.
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Letting go of most of my career opportunities for many years in order to care for my mom was not such a difficult choice for me because I was in my 60's when she began to need care. Still, at 73 now, and her passing, I'm looking at starting all over in some respects. I have no regrets, but you have really wonderful responses here on this forum that urge you to go on with your life. I just want to say that your mom will be fine if you choose a really good memory care place for her, make sure she is vaccinated, and I especially like the suggestion to find an organization that will send volunteer (or paid) visitors to your mom. She'll have a different relationship with you then. She'll brag about her daughter, show photos to everyone, and be really happy to have phone calls, zoom visits, and letters from you. In a while she won't remember whether you visited her recently or not. And she may not ever forget you. My mom always remembered me. Just be sure to check in with her in some way at least 3 times a week, wherever you are.
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I know exactly how your feeling. Doctors are telling me that my Mom has dementia too and I had to leave my job, but what I do is pray pray and pray and ask God to guidance through this. I'm praying for you and others like us that are going through the same thing.
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Whatever decision you make, remember that you are not locked into that situation. If you place your mom in a facility, it could turn out to be the best place for her. If not, there are other options you can explore. Please don't be hard on yourself. These are not easy decisions, and there is never one perfect solution. Hash out your potential plans with a friend or therapist, and don't hesitate to use this forum. Lots of guidance and resources here, and plenty of people rooting for you. :)
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I have had my Mom living with me for years. Left my job to retire early and thought I could give her the best care. She is now 91 and I am 66. If I could have given myself advice years ago I would have said to follow my career and let professionals take care of Mom. This disease Dimensia gets worse and worse. Eventually she may not know you and will argue with you and may treat you as though you are a stranger in her life. If I could have advised myself ten years ago I would have done things very differently. But I like you thought I loved my Mom and she needed me. And gave up everything. Today she has no idea who I am. Poops and pees herself several times a day and thinks I am annoying for making her wash. Keep you career, find the best place you can for Mom and have FaceTime chats with her as often as you can. I wish you all the best. Let go of the guilt and live your life.
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CarylorJean Nov 2021
My life Charlie, in a nutshell. On the other hand..... my view is she looked after me, fed me, bathed me. It's payback time.... what can I say. I love her even though she is no longer the strong, intelligent, independent woman she used to be. It breaks my heart to see her this way but I feel obligated to care for her. She is vulnerable and needs protection. It's been a while since she last truly knew who I was. That's okay. She would never expect me to put my entire life on hold but hey it's just something I gotta do. Frustration, disappointment and resentment are part of every day but I will still hold her hand until the day she departs however hard it may be.
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Tall to a social worker, minister, nurse, friend to get ideas what you can
Do to make your life more liveable. You are in big trouble if you seek help.
TRy the librarian at your local library. They are very knowlegable.
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When, in 20 year’s time, you look back, what do you want to regret?

Not having gone after your dreams? Or not being a Super Hero and looked after your mom for longer than you did?

Put your mom in care. You’ll have to eventually anyway. Do it now so you can go after some of those dreams. They’re important, too.

Talk to which every home you put her into. Maybe you could do window visits, or they have partition visits. You won’t know for sure the restrictions until you speak to someone.

If I were in your mother’s shoes, that’s what I’d want. I’d want my kids to go out and make the most of their lives. To not have regrets. To live as big and as happily as they could because we only get one shot at this life. I’ll be fine wherever. I’m a survivor. I’ll make it work. But I don’t want to be a burden on my children, preventing them from living the fullest of lives. I doubt your mother, in her right mind, would want that either.
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You ask where you draw the line.

You are a 30 yo who needs a career to pay the bills and build wealth. Unless you’re a trust fund baby, you really don’t have an option to just quit. The line is already drawn. It’s just heartbreaking to accept that you can’t stop your loved ones from hurting.

You can test a new road. Help mom gets the assistance she needs and call her. Expect mom to be unhappy when she talks to you (change is hard) but watch to see if it’s a guilt trip con. Apparently my grandfather complained to my mother about the AL center but she found out he had a lady friend and was quite social.

If you don’t take care of you, you may grow jaded or bitter. What kind of life is that? One without friends (because who wants a disillusioned bitter friend)?
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You have your life in front of you.
You need to live for yourself.
If you posed this question to your mom 10, 15 years ago what would her advice have been?
I am sure that your mom would not have wanted you to pass up on career, opportunity the possibility of a family to care for her. I know I would not want a child of mine to do that.
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You need to have your mum safely taken care of while you focus on your life. Her dementia will get worse and her needs will increase. She is likely to need more care than you can manage on your own. Begin your search for placement and pay attention to your own health. Lose the excess weight and excel at the job you have worked so hard to get. When you are involved and productive and confident, you are more likely to "meet someone," largely b/c you are no longer desperate to do so.
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You are severely burnout with caregiving. You need help.

1 - Get help for mom. You can not care for her alone. You need others who will care for her and know the types of care she needs. If you can not find enough volunteer help through family, friends, members of your faith community... then you must find paid caregivers. Consider adult day programs (Monday - Friday days), sitters and home health aides round the clock if mum doesn't sleep well at night, and residential facilities. Please use whatever funds mum has as well as government and community resources. The goal is to make sure she is adequately cared for and not create financial hardship for yourself.

2 - Get help for yourself. Go see the doctor for a thorough physical, Get referrals to a nutritionist, physical therapy or trainer at a gym, and any others to work on restoring your health. Meet regularly with either a support group or a counsellor to deal with the emotions and issues that need resolution. Realize that this journey back to health is a marathon and not a sprint.

3 - Get back the parts of your life you lost. Go to work somewhere; COVID changed work for so many people and your career may have changed too. You won't know unless you try and also investigate other positions that don't require travel. Reestablish friendships and make new ones; this means getting out of the house with and without mum and talking to others. Get some "time off" from mum to enjoy activities with others.

A good adult child makes sure that his or her parent is cared for, even if it means not doing all the caregiving yourself.
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I was in the same situation and I had to have a life also so I had to put my dad in a nursing home. when you have no choice, you have no choice. I have a brother and 2 sisters 1 in Mississippi. Brother dose nothing and hates me so who cares. My sisters what a joke they are. I do understand what you're going through. I was stressed all they time hated everyone. Nursing homes aren't the best all the time but I know he's safe and getting his medicine and showers making new friends. I visit him take him whatever he needs but as time goes on Dementia gets bad. Please get yourself some help,
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We all have to realize that when our elders have aging problems, it is their turn now. Sad as that may be. We will have our turn. When it is your turn, will you expect others to sacrifice their future to make your present possibly easier, but never great? I don't plan to do that for my children. And as I am 77, and beginning to show it, this is not a vague idea. It is getting to be my turn, and I hope I can manage it gracefully, and not too selfishly.
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SAME. It's a nightmare I can't wake up from. I don't care for my mother physically but I am managing her entire life including her in home care (5 caregivers round the clock ) . She's burning through her financial resources ( my inheritance ) at an alarming rate. In the meantime I'm tethered to her. She lives an hour away in NO traffic and there's always traffic. After raising four kids alone with 0 financial support and little help from their father I now have this.
I am burned out, angry, resentful and hate my life.
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
grace18,

Your mother should not have 5 caregivers. For what that must cost your mother could be in an asissted living community. That is ridiculous and complicates a situation unnecessarily. There should be no more than three who either split the 7-day work week or work in rotation one week at a time.
Also, your mother's money is not your inheritance unless she leaves it to you. It's her money and she can spend it as she pleases. She's paying for her care with it. You could help her save a little bit by cutting her care staff down.
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I travel overseas as well for my work, and have started up again recently. While there is increased COVID risk with air travel (and some destinations), most places here allow visitation after a negative COVID test 3 days post-return date. Two weeks of quarantine is no longer necessary.
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If you are able to place your mother in a nursing home, do it now. I am so miserable after living together with my 95 year old mother for 20 years. After the Covid-19 lockdown and retiring, I barely can leave my house anymore. I've lost all my goals, my dreams, and enjoyment of life. Get your life back, enjoy what life has to offer because you could end up like me just hoping to somehow die soon. I am living the life of a 95 year old woman, and yet I should be too young to live like this. Run!
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
Forgotten2,

20 years of dealing with a senior with dementia is more than anyone can be expected to take.
Find a nursing home or memory care for your mother. You don't owe anymore.
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In same boat I feel your pain!
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As a mother myself and with my mother suffering from dementia, if I was to get it I would wholeheartedly encourage my daughter to put me in a home and enjoy her life. Don't feel guilty. Go and live your life. If you make sure she is well cared for, you will have done all you can and have peace of mind.
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Your very young and asking smart questions . I have been taking care of people since 2016 and it does age you . I would continue My career Path .
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