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To paraphrase Dear Abby (or whoever it was that said this) "You can not be taken advantage of without your permission." - YOU are allowing this behavior to happen and only YOU can stop it. There is no way in HELL (or should I say "heck" for the censory moderators) I would allow ANYONE to smoke in my home OR in my car....why are you??? I don't want to sound like a b-word, but you need to grow a backbone and stand up to your husband AND to your mother-in-law, put your foot down, and MEAN IT. (I like the suggestion of you alone moving to the trailer house in florida...now that would teach both of them a lesson or two, wouldn't it?...haha!) Seriously though...don't just vent and complain about the situation - do something to change it, because it doesn't sound like your husband plans on doing anything about it - why should he? He isn't the one dealing with his mother all day long, right?
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thank you everyone for answering. i appriciate all the advise good bad or otherwise. and most of you are right. i dont know why i am being a push over on this. its time to put my foot down or up some butts. I told my husband several things about my MIL that have been an issue and he said he is going to talk to her . I told him NO WE are going to talk to her. she has manipulated him sooo much since he was a child. He was born premature 4 weeks and he was very small . She tells him the story ALL the time how if it wasnt for her going to the hosptial and feeding him with an eye dropper he wouldnt of lived. and how it was such a struggle to get to the hospital because she was bleeding so bad doctors didnt want her there but she went anyway. OK stop making him feel guilty for being alive ok. SO we are talking to her about using the electric ciggartte and if she does not like that shes going to the doctor where she is going to be put on the patch. No more doing laundry or runnign bath. Figure it out . if you cant run your bath you will stink. if you cant run the washer you will wear dirty clothes. She does not get this treatment at her daughters house as i found out last night. So shes NOT getting it here anymore. Thanks again everyone, i will keep you updated on how this goes.
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You asked a straightforward question: How to tell him.
The answer is equally straightforward: In English.

The real question is what you intend to do when he ignores you and only you can answer that.
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I'm glad to hear that you are putting your foot down about all of this! Your MIL sounds like a pro at emotional blackmail with her use of guilt to make him feel obligated to her. I wish you well as you set down your boundaries.
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@Danna24 -

Ruth stayed with Naomi because Naomi was NICE to her! I agree that to care for someone who needs care is a good deed, but to take abuse from that person isn't something one is obliged to do. By letting her abuse you, you are letting her "sin". Kiernan30 is in a tough spot, and already feels plenty of guilt.
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So, how old is your MIL? How old are you and your husband? Has he ALWAYS been this way - I mean, a momma's boy? She sounds like a tyrant, and I bet people have always catered to her, probably because she's mentally ill. I have someone like that in my family, and it's like everyone is being held hostage to HIS craziness, because they're afraid if they push the issue the person will get even crazier, or kill themselves or something.

Bottom line, you do not have to be treated this way. I suspect the MIL has gotten away with this for a very long time, and she is NOT going to change. So either your hubby has to stand up to her, or you have to stand up to the two of them. I think a therapist is a great idea. If that doesn't work or your husband refuses to go (as men frequently do) then get your own place. That will make a very clear statement to hubby and mom. I have a friend who did this, and you'd be amazed how quickly everyone backed down and made the necessary changes.
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@Kiernan - you go, girl!!!! I know sometimes it's easier said than done, but you really WILL feel better once you set (and enforce) boundaries on your MIL. Good luck & keep us posted!!! :)
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I have concerns that her tobacco will harm you. Slower than a gun but just as deadly. No one has the right to poison another person. A therapist once told me we don't change until our level of discomfort exceeds our level of fear. Seems like you about there.
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I have to say you are all a wonderful group of people because the answers you have given to kiernan30 have been great! My first thought was to leave your husband in charge of his mother while you left on an extended vacation...you deserve it! Perhaps you should be hospitalized for exhaustion/frustration, that might give you a few more days away.

I honestly FEEL FOR YOU! This is a horrible situation but everyone has given you some great advice. The other alternative would be to sell the tailor and put more in an assisted living facility, where her son could run and visit her.

Stand you ground and best of luck! You do deserve a vacation!
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I meant put Mom in an assisted living facility. Sorry!
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See what stress can do? Make you write and say things you didn't know you wrote and said until the next day or next week. Take a deep breath, get some sleep folks, and get some respite. We caregivers all need down time. I just bought a coffee cup that reads on one side "On Duty" and the other side, "Off Duty". I just turn it to the side I want and show it to my veteran husband. He understands exactly what that means! So go off duty more often caregivers!
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Kiernan30, maybe you should pick your battles and not try to win the war all at once. For example the smoking, first of all GROSS smell in new car, that is where I would start. Mother-in-law would no longer be allowed to smoke where YOU don't want her to smoke. Period. That's not being unreasonable I don't think. Once you've won that battle, then pick the next one. Make it doable, because getting her out of YOUR house without your husband's support is going to impossible. So that's why I say, pick your battles and stick to them. Really I don't think you should even involve your husband in the battle. Just tell him ahead of time that you're going to talk to his mother about the smoking for example, and if he'll back you up, YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF IT YOURSELF. That may take the constant pressure off him about having to confront his mother about things that, let's face it, he really doesn't think are important. Sorry but true.
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it seems to me your situation is more like MIL bullying daughter in law in the presence of a husband more loyal to his mother. best solution would be not to getup in the morning on time to do the chores. say that you are having backpain or the health problem which you already have. let your husband and his mother manage a few days. once they are accostomed to do their works say after a week or so start joining them. let them realise that in a family each one has to contribute as per their ability and daughter in law is not a servant.
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First of all I assume your husband is the breadwinner in the household. Your MIL can't be left alone so that has become your job. Both husband and wife need down time together or alone,
As far as the finances are concerned. MIL has some income of her own if only Social Security so she must pay a reasonable share of household expenses.
If she won't sell the trailer in Florida and that is understandable, it is giving up what she sees as her last piece of independence. Those who don't smoke and I never have find it difficult to understand why people choose to continue with such a filthy habit. That is usually a battle impossible to win so don't continue to be an enabler on that one, it is an addiction plain and simple. Set your bounderies. No smoking in the new car means no smoking. If she lights up pull off the road and tell her to get out until she finishes the cigarette. Work with her plan smoking stops on your route, "only another half mile Mom and you can get out and smoke" Build those extra five minutes into your trip. Take her shopping at your convenience, again don't enable these unreasonable demands. Go shopping in the evenings when hubby is home and leave the fixings for them to make dinner. get your hair done, visit a friend, take a class, go to a movie anything to keep you out of the house till bedtime.
Create a sanctuary in the house where MIL is not allowed to go, be it your bedroom or the basement and put a lock on the door. Likewise give her somewhere private and install a fan that can be activated from outside the room to exhaust the smoke. If you live somewhere warm the only place smoking is permitted is out side. She probably won't respect that rule so give her a warning and the walk up to her and take the cigarette away. Find a paid caregiver who is trustworthy and arrange time off for yourself. MIL is your full time job so consider time off as part of your employment contract.
Above all do not neglect to take your medications. Set up a pill box once a week so you can tell at a glance if you have taken them and put it somewhere where you see it frequently so you know for sure they are taken. this is definitely time for tough love for all three of you.
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Forgot to mention the idea of renting out the trailer in Florida and all three of you taking a vacation there.
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Here's the deal? Would you (or have you) put up with this kind of behavior when your children were growing up? I get it, she is not a teenager.....but, she is a grown ADULT mature woman!! Your husband will never ever say anything to her. It is easier to let you suffer through this madness! Put this lady out to pasture.....pleez! Get her into an Assisted Living home, and grow a backbone girl. She is your MIL, okay? She didn't raise you.....she raised hubby. Why in the green earth would you let this selfish lady take over YOUR life? You only have one life to live, ya know? Don't waste anymore time thinking about what to do. Start looking for a good AL home for her, get her situated, then visit with her once a month. It would be a cold day in hell before I would run someone's bath water.....good grief. Talk about taking advantage. Good luck to you.
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