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My view is your mother needs to contact the sibs and express her feelings. When situations are mute, it is very easy to misinterpret and distort feelings. Help your Mother to communicate her needs and wants to the sibs. No need for you to feel guilty, defend or spend time attempting to solve the problem.Let your MOM "guilt them" Encourage your MOM to step UP! Often times you have to dig to find gold.
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Heartbreaking, that's for certain. Mom's firstborn died of cancer 18 yrs ago [sis was 47] and my brother 3 yrs ago [55 yrs old]. There are 3 of us left - me and my 2 sisters. One hasn't called, not even for Mom's shoulder surgery, and now in a Rehab/NH. i doubt she called at Christmas - she lives 3 blocks from us. The other reluctantly visits Mom at the Rehab/NH - about 5 times since July.

i go every day, or at least 5-6 times a week. i'm still trying to get the basement flood reno finished and the house back in order. i've postponed my spinal nerve blocks because i don't have time. Yep, added pain, but they don't care about my physical probs either. i keep the one sis up to date [she is curt and short when i call] and even let mom use my cell phone at the Rehab/NH to call her. Sis sometimes cuts her off ['gotta go'] - or i know she lets it go to voice, even tho i told sis i'd have Mom call her [there's no phone service at the Rehab/NH]. So if Mom's depressed, in pain, out of her familiar surroundings, strangers coming and going -- how can she possible heal from her surgery? She's stopped eating, and ... not to hijack the thread, but the sis chastised me for Mom's lack of progress at PT. Mom's scared witless, i'm sure! i would be ... and she pines for my bro - an unnatural death. So when encouraging her to eat/drink - she refuses, is seemingly repulsed by food. She spits a small bite out right in my face, but when my sis shows up, she eats and swallows 3 small bites of a canned pear from the meal tray.

i bought her a yogurt/fruit parfait she said "you eat it.": i said - "i will, i bought two, so we could each have one. She ate 1 blueberry, but refused to go outside or get out of that bed. She needs the sunshine, too [it was a beautiful day, sunny, no wind].

So, i'll take the pain/emotional darts/insults if i must. i just wish sis would show up so Mom would eat ... even if it's 1/2 tsp of food.

But i've learned to not offer excuses to Mom: i'm not responsible for their choices. i try to steer the conversation [i'm grateful for the alert moments that she's not sleeping] into asking about PT, does she want to take a ride [wheelchair] to the community room [tv and company]. Although she declines activity, she will start to talk about the flowers i brought from the garden. i'm not sure if she forgot about asking about my sisters or not ... but she takes that angst out on me: i kiss her forehead goodnight, and she says she hates me. It won't stop me from visiting or loving her though.
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I agree with Trevor! Either a person cares or they don't!
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So many of us in the same boat. My brother says its too hard to talk to mom. I tell him if that's the case, then please at least write a letter in large print or send a card or pictures every couple weeks. He does so, but infrequently. I find it frustrating but I can't force him. I think she knows he doesn't call, and I just tell her to call him - yet she says he doesn't answer. I make up excuses for him; simply because I know it hurts her that he doesn't visit or call.
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I have aunts and uncles that can't even pick up the phone and call her (when she once cared for them in their youth) and they call me and ask how she is. I just say "pick up the phone - she'd love to hear from you even for 5 min"; send a card, send an interesting article from her home town, send a picture or old pictures, at least she'd get something in the mail and hear from someone other than just me.
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There are doers and well, people who just don't. I am the former; I usually help others before I help myself!
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I am the parent that three others do not care a bit about. Now hear my side. I don't care either. I have ONE child and appreciate that she and her family are more than willing to be with me, give me help, if needed and love me for who I am. The rest do not care and their day is coming. We are NOT young and beautiful forever and shopping at Nordstrum's. I think they will find this out all by themselves and also that there are some bargains at Target and Walmart. Treasure your time with your parents and if you don't, move on and get out of their way. This old lady just did the Zip line and am planning some other crazy bucket list things before I die. I believe in Auntie Mame's philosophy...."Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Bless those that help you and get over the others.
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Well, maybe you could put together some sort of experience for everyone to attend. If it is an official function such as a surprise birthday party for mom, a family reunion, a St. Patrick Day party, a Mother's day party, etc. you would probably get a better response. Also, it doesn't have to be on the actual day if there are conflicts. If there are more people and more stuff to do they won't feel as trapped and may feel more obligated to attend. They might feel that there will be other people to talk to mom so it won't fall all on them.

Maybe it could be at a restaurant they really like. I bet your mom could perk up for that. A buffet can be a good choice. You can eat right away plus they know it is easier to leave a restaurant. I guess there is a question if they would come if it was pay your own way, but maybe you could find some specials or two for one coupons. If there are teens and kids try to think of a restaurant they would like or some kind of activity for them to adjourn to if bored. Or maybe they could just play with their phones. Some bowling alleys have restaurants. Maybe it could be a cookout near a lake and the kids could rent boats or watercrafts afterwards.

Try to have a reasonable time frame so it doesn't drag on, but have a draw to lure people in.

Also the trendy new restaurant or the restaurant overlooking a lake etc. could be fun. Try to think of something that as many people can enjoy as possible. Many people don't like to visit older people but most everyone likes to eat and have fun.
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Awww... all you guys are breaking my heart!!!! My heart breaks for your parents and for you (((((hugs))))) Lost my mom this year, but I feel her with me everyday. My five brothers are/were wonderful, but my two older/crabby sister's wouldn't lift a finger to help in caring for my mom when she needed them the most. They will never speak with me again because I wouldn't change the "Depends" (We paid incredible people to care for her, my mom told me she wanted it that way) but I was there! My mom had so much dignity, never to be the bother, would never call anyone and would never ask for anything. I GET to live out the rest of my life, knowing I took the best care of mom with my brothers. When she could no longer walk or talk, I would whisper, in her ear the "sweetest, loveliest things a mother could possibly hear". My nasty sister's (who she doted on constantly) will suffer with terrible guilt the rest of their miserable lives. Who would you rather be??? Me or them?
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It hurts me to read this: other sibs just don't care. And it is true. My sibs live 2 hours away, other one lives 45 minutes away, other lives 10 minutes away. Everyone is busy with their lives,work, family. So, it is up to me to care for them although I retired due to severe medical reason. I want to do the best for them sometimes, I think I fall short due to my physical limits. But when they are gone, I will truly miss them but I will not feel guilty 'cuz I did my best.
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Marlexa, you are such a blessing! Do not risk your own health though, that is the last thing your mom or dad would want (me included) Take care of yourself first honey. That's what all moms and dad's want for their children, before they start going senile and lose their sence of judgement, if they live long enough. They will lose their sence of judgement and won't care, so care for yourself first!!! ... or you won't be there to care for them... Such a sweetheart you are...
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Unfortunately you can't do anything they have to want to. But in the end they are going to regret not being involved and don't be surprised if they blame you or your brother they have to justify their actions but in the long run they will find that it's not justifiable and guilt will consume them
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Unfortunately, I have to reluctantly agree with most all of the other posters. You cannot make someone else care. I am angry, resentful and totally disappointed at my 61-year old sister (who lives less than 1/4 mile away from our 86-year old mother). She doesn't lift a finger to help me (yes, I've asked). She won't even call or visit unless I "guilt" her into it. It was my sister's birthday in July and I decided to drop off a birthday card to her (sis lives with HER daughter because she's made herself mentally disabled). I visited with her and as I was leaving I asked her if she was "planning on visiting Mom today?" My sister says, "Oh, why? I wasn't planning on it." Um, really????!!! I tell her, "Don't you think Mom would like to see you are your birthday?" She says innocently and talking in a babyish voice, "Oh, I don't know." What a jerk! In my heart, I know it really bothers our Mother that she doesn't visit or call. But she will never tell her. It's so sad, really.

I really, really try to "let it go" and rise above the resentment, but it's SO HARD. I only know that when Mom leaves this world, I will know I have done the best I could for my Mom. I truly hope the guilt eats up my sister, but at this point, I don't know if anything really fazes her anymore. She uses "baby talk" as a crutch/excuse to not deal with life. Background: Sis had a mild, and I mean EXTREMELY MILD stroke 8 years ago and has taken now to use "baby talk" all the time. Before anyone says, "Oh that could be a side effect from the stroke", let me tell you, when she is speaking to a stranger (or even some distant family members in a conversation) about something important, she very conveniently starts talking "normal" -- the baby talk disappears. Then she "catches" herself and reverts to the baby talk again. Uh, huh. Yeah, right. Keep playing up the "poor me" routine so you justify not talking, visiting or doing ANYTHING for our failing mother. Sis has been living with her adult single daughter since 2006 -- PRE stroke -- (when she was 52 years old) and uses this invalid "act" of hers to guilt others (especially her daughter) into taking care of her and not stepping up to get involved in our Mom's life/care. Yes, Sis drives herself when she wants to go somewhere, she can make and cook her own food, read books on her Kindle, watch TV, and then basically plays games on the computer all day long. Oh, but she doesn't have time to visit/call Mom 1/4 mile away. So, am I resentful? You bet I am! UGH!!

I've given up. The worst part is -- I am frustrated that I can't be happy knowing that I'M doing the right thing by Mom -- that's my mental anguish. Sick, isn't it?
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Help2day you must want to drag her round to your mother's house by the hair. A quarter of a mile, for heaven's sake. Pathetic. I don't blame you for being riled, and especially the part about its intruding on the fulfilment and satisfaction you might be able to enjoy if your sister weren't such a wet rag.

I know these feelings are terrible for us who feel them, and we do need to shed them; but I have no idea how you make them go away. I suppose we'll just have to keep working on it?
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I have cared for both in-laws willingly for free. My own parents, never. 2 younger brothers got mom's dilapidated house in exchange for "care". Dad died in nursing home where he wanted to be last 7 years of his life and got great care. I tried to help but didn't do it right. Sometimes parents have different relationships with different children in the family. Also they have different ideas and skill sets that interfere with therapeutic relationships. I hope everyone out there can find ways to ask for help and get it without fighting with relatives.
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Our daughter (50)will not call or visit us-her dad (my husband) he can't walk . Yes I have left messages and told them it was his birthday and not a card nor call. said they forgot. (WHATS WRONG WITH BELATED CARD?) she finally called after a close friend that worked at V A hospital asked her about her dad said he saw him at hospital for check-up. She did call But no mentioned of me(mother) or her brother. I too say her loss- So far it only upsets me for her not even coming over when they come to their property next door to us( rent) to work on it. And then her new husband said I had the nerve not to wave at his wife (daughter) when they were leaving.BULL. That works both ways Her and my problem is . I took care of her when she wrecked her 3 wheel motor cycle last year in May and almost killed her and granddaughter. (3-months I cleaned the S--- out of her butt. and put bed pan under her.) Stayed with her 24/7 and when she cried that she did not want to lay in waste. All her new husband could say was They get paid to do this he wasn't..and never did He --He went bike riding and she started feeling down and talking about his attitude towards her and wanted the big D.she even called her Attorney to help her not me. During the whole time she was at UK and VA in Lexington,Ky.3 mo. crushed pelvic.that was her doing- I only felt mothers need to help her not lay in waste- cause sometimes it did take awhile for the BUSY nurses to come.
Then after she gets home they talked and said I was the cause for them almost getting a divorce. I left. haven't spoken since. just to 17 yr old granddaughter- only when they let her use her phone. I know now that she was playing the quilt and I fell for it But it only takes a child to blame you for something when your helping then My feeling got hurt and while everyone says pat yourself on back for doing as a mother does well that does not help- say she'll come around and see him for what he is- She didn't the first time Everyone says he married her for her money ##OK I 'm off track but Get the message that kids do the things we don't like and nothing## but its up to them also to make the first move.
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My advice: don't bother. You can't make people do what you want them to do, nor can you make them do what they don't want to do. My view is that in this case all you can do is inform. This issue is between them and your Mother, not you. Yes its sad for your Mom and yes its hard work without help from siblings. I am experiencing both. I try to state rather than complicate (Eg. Mom asked to see you, vs Mom is upset that you dont visit). Since you know you will be asked, give your Mom as full an update as you can, she doesn't ask more about you (and yours) because she believes you tell her all the good things. How else will she know how her other children are doing unless you share with her what you know. It hurts us, that's because we love them so much.
Good luck and keep sane.
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Wow, I opened Pandora's box with this post. This obviously is not an uncommon family situation. Vent away, those who need to...I feel your pain.
As far as trying to organize something...well, I tried to do a summer party and it was not well received....we couldn't land on a date for everyone so we gave up. We do a Christmas party and some of the family show up. And stay maybe half hour....Mother did sort of bring this on herself, by choosing 3 favorites (and we know who they are)..and by pretty much ignoring the 3 not-so-amazing kids. (actually, I AM pretty amazing!). Behavior like that comes back to bite you. Mother STILL refers to my deceased brother as "the Genius", my younger brother as "The Golden Boy" and my baby sister as "The Miracle Child". We are all in our 50's and 60's..it's kind of ridiculous. When introduced to one of Mother's new friends, she said "Oh who are you?" and I said, "I'm the fat funny one with emotional issues" and she said, "Oh, Ok, you're B----". Yup, 59 years old and still carrying the label from when I was 5. I am not going to even bring this issue up again with the 3 non involved sibs. No point at all. They know where she is, they know she's in poor and getting worse, health and if they don't want to see her, then they won't. She won't call them--so we're at a total stalemate.
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Midkid.....your moniker leads me to believe that you are the "middle one", God bless them all. I am the "Zip line" riding old lady and caring for a bedridden husband 24/7. If it were not for the "Middle one", I would be doing this alone. What are my choices....worry over those that care not whether I am dead or alive....or what I have chosen....go when the "Middle One" and her family take me to places I want to go, bless them for babysitting with Grampa and just "being there" when things are overwhelming. That trip to take me "Zip Lining" was GREAT and they didn't have to make time for my "dumb things" I want to do, but they do. Guess who is going skiing for the first time on a "bunny hill" this winter that those that care found for me. They know I want to do this, so this 80 year old is going skiing and there will be a babysitter provided...that's the way they do things. God bless them. So as I said before....thank and love those who help and forget those who do not. All of you who are being the caregivers...I pray those you are caring for appreciate it. I know some don't...there are days when my husband doesn't appreciate what I do, but I try to remember that there WERE good times. Dear MidKid...this old lady loves you and appreciates what you are doing and yes there are a lot of ungrateful parents and siblings out there. Hold your head up HIGH. God's blessings upon you. Lots of hugs.
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oh Nancy sooooo sweeeet!! have fun skiing!!!
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And what if there were 12 of you. We saw mom and dad choose and dealt with it Yes we were jealous but figured they needed it more than others., for we had each other growing up and things change.Younger ones got the attention and still do if the parents were alive. Parents made the girls strong and the boys work to take care of the women their to marry--figuring the girls will marry someone to take care of them, But we girls had to work in the fields too- plus cook and wash when we got home- Boys only did farm work.So as to getting kids or siblings into helping we must realize that they don't want to for fear of having to be like us that do Spend All our Time with the one in need. They say they don't have time. cause their working or kids game or shi- happens Saying- .I'll be there when really necessary- your doing a great job- keep in touch- all that back slapping stuff.
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Nancy--you go!!!!
And yes, I am a middle kid--sort of, 3rd of 6, so there are actually 2 middles.

You inspire me (but I have already been ziplining and I know how to ski!!) Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
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