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Yes I would. However, that said, my dad had a small pension and I have acreage so together we bought him a Mobile Home and put it in my front yard. He lived there very happily, on his own, with me assisting him and cooking for him. He had Early-onset Alzheimer's but was taking Aricept.
I miss him and his mobile home - but I got to really know my dad in those few years and I am thankful even for the days of, "my remote won't work anymore."
I was lucky - he was never violent or abusive during that time. He was extremely thankful.
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Would I have my mom move in with me if I had if to do over? No. I'm not sorry I tried and I'm sorry I failed, but I was with my mom 24/7 for over a year, did everything for her, and had no life of my own. Resentment was taking over my thoughts and I had no patience with her. I would wake up every morning saying I was going to do better and by 1 or 2 pm (when I was actually able to get a shower myself) was hating myself because I'd lost it again. She had three falls since mid January and the last one put her in the hospital and rehab. She will not be coming back to my home. It's tough when she looks at me with her doe eyes and asks when she's coming home, but I have to stay strong and tell myself this is best for her and me. She needs more care and stimulation than I can give her and I need a life of my own too. If I had continued on wifh her care I would have had a nervous breakdown or worse. I need to be healthy in mind and body to advocate for her while she gets the care she needs.
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I feel no guilt when I say I will not be living or letting my uncle stay with me.

When the time comes that he can't live in his house I will have caregivers stay with him. When that becomes unsafe he will have to go to an assistant living place.

For me it's not about loving him, it's about what's best for him and me. I'm not a caregiver.

Nicole
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No, I would not do this again. I have Ma in my home where I live only 3 days per week. My sister has the other days but can always go home after making dinner. But having an elder parent in your home is tiring beyond belief and affects your relationship with your significant other even though you both recognize and do everything you can to work against this. My Ma was a wonderful mother and I didn't recall any bad stuff. But now I see she is a real (pardon my French) agent provocateur. She can't move without a walker but with a straight face said to me she is "not disabled." She will not go out of the house to take a car ride or anything (only when my sister takes her to the doctor). She is patronizing about what we read and watch on TV and often talks right through the news and other shows we watch before dinner. She is incredibly picky about the food we serve. I'm sure she doesn't mean it but every word out of her mouth sounds like a complaint. I'm thankful it's her legs that went instead of her brain but I can hardly relate to her anymore. Really, if there is another way, avoid taking your aging parents into your home.
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I'd like to say I'd do it all over again, and my heart says I would, but that's easy to do after the fact. I'm no longer in the trenches of caregiving, so it's easy for me to say I'd do it again. I remember very well the days that I was so frustrated with Mom that I'd go outside and just do some deep breathing for a while to calm down before I started screaming at her. (I never screamed at her, but oh, there were days.....). Mom had dementia, but it was not quite to the point where she didn't know what was going on - she was a master manipulator and would try to worm her way out of showering or bathing or doing anything that was for her benefit - those days I definitely don't miss. I do miss being able to ask her about relatives and family issues that I don't know about and now have no one to ask. I miss her stories about growing up. I miss the person she was before the dementia started to kick in, leaving her staring at me blankly, like she simply wasn't there behind those glazed eyes.
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Dear Mama,

I'm so sorry to hear what are you are going through. I know there is a lot on you. The burden and responsibility is overwhelming. Everything is always 20/20 in hindsight. I don't think any of us know what we are getting into till we are in the trenches. And even then we try so hard to keep our heads above water. Its so hard to find the right balance.

Please try to look for other options. Consider talking to a therapist, social worker, counselor, joining a support group or accessing resources through church or the community.

If we caregivers run ourselves into the ground, we are no good to ourselves or the people that depend on us.

I was my dad's caregiver. I tried and tried. And now that he has passed, I deeply regret the last year of his life. I let the resentment and anger affect my judgment and compassion. I never told my dad what I should have always thinking we would have another day, but we didn't. I know its hard right now, but I hope you can find the balance.

Thinking of you.
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Would I do it again? Hmmm, I guess that depends a lot on when I am asked that question. For me, I am only two years in to my XX year sentence. Everything seems to have stabilized right now and I am managing everything pretty well. My husband is a little bitter about how much she has taken our freedom and I know this has impacted the kids but, right now...I guess I am OK with the decision.

But, if you had asked me about two months ago...NO WAY. We were in a particularly rough patch at the time.

Ask me again in a few months and who knows.

The one thing I wished I had done sooner was spend her money on her care. Initially, I was trying to do everything myself and only brought in a caregiver for the 24 hours a week I was working. But then I realized that I was safeguarding her money for what? So that my brothers could inherit what was left? Now, I have caregivers come in 55 hours a week (I work 40) and am willing to bring people in on weekends when there is something I want to do.

So, while I do not regret taking Mom in, I regret the time I spent trying to do it all myself.
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Mamakp, I know it's become almost a cliché but yours really is the case that "no good deed goes unpunished." And it wasn't even doing the right thing by your mother that landed you in this, it was doing the responsible thing by her community! And that's the thanks you get for it - no help when you need it.

I'm so sorry it's turning out like this for you. To answer your question, I'm torn between 'no you must be joking' and 'yes but I'd do it all differently.' But overall we all need to have a fair trial run at it before deciding, and it's... Not Fair! :(
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My parents live four houses down and have been a declining depressed mess for 6-7 years. They don't live with me, but had I known 15 years ago what I know now, I would never have encouraged them to purchase a home near me! They are a heavy weight around my neck. I cannot drive out of our subdivision without passing their house. They are self destructive and are not the people I grew up with. It's a real drag and likely to go on into the future for quite some time. I have two friends who moved mother/mother in law in to their homes within the past few years. One is in deep regret and marriage is just about shot. The other is in the early stages of this living arrangement and I think it's beginning to sink in that moving mom into the house was not such a great idea....Take care of you, you have the rest of your life in front of you!
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