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I definitely think thats a great idea. My husband thinks she has some mental type disorder. Ive asked for her doctor to get her some mental health evaluation but it falls on deaf ears. Her doctor believes her phoney-ness and lies. Its awful but the doctor never believes me...she thinks im a heart less daughter and she also once told me that she would never treat her mother this way. Of course she wouldnt she lives in a different country and plus no one really knows how my mother is unless your around her alot.
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I think she has a mental disorder to. My mother moved in with me twice. The first time I was young and ended up moving out and leaving the apartment to her. I was a little older and wiser the second time. She said it was temporary so I took her at her word and after a couple of weeks of her not looking for another place, I sat down with her and the newspaper every evening and we went though places to rent that she could afford. I pointed out one after another. Finally she got mad and moved out in a huff and found a good place for herself - the YWCA. Your mother can rent a room if necessary.

If she won't cooperate in finding a place for herself by a certain date, then take her to the women's shelter.

You do need a united front. In later years my mother had plans/fantasies for me to move close to her, rent an apartment in her complex and look after her. This would have meant leaving my job, and my family here which she did not even consider. It is all about her and that is what a narcissist is like. They have no empathy for anyone else. That is why your mother is like she is. My mother was not formally diagnosed until she was 96 yrs old, so don't hold your breath. Just get on with doing what you have to for yourself and your family. Social Services in your town may be helpful if you tell them your story. I am not impressed with her doctor, though I know my mother could convince people for a short while that I was a no good daughter and she was a saint. What about your doctor?

If your mum ever has to go to hospital for anything, refuse to take her back - then they have too find a place for her. The may pressure you, but stay firm.
Some of us know, believe me and you have to get her out of your place. Never mind what her doctor says. She does not have to live with her. (((((((hugs))))))
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I think medical providers can sometimes be the worst offenders when it comes to guilt-tripping family members of patients. They want their patients to get the best care possible and they always think family can provide that, so in their minds family should provide that. But I've had the same experience with my own doctors, particularly those of foreign origin. My psychiatrist has urged me to "keep my dreams alive" while not neglecting my responsibilities to my mother. Easy for her to say - she's exactly my age but her parents live overseas, and are cared for by her sister. Don't assume they really know anything about your situation or that their moral judgment is to be respected even if they are medical professionals.
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Before you go with her to the doctors, put on your force field and your best spine of steel. You're a 52 yo pregnant lady, with back issues and a fulltime job. You cannot be lifting and moving mom, you need rest. The doctor's opinion of you as a daughter is unprofessional, in my opinion. Remember to use declarative sentences in a firm, calm tone of voice, telling her that you are unable to personally provide daily care and she needs to assist you all in finding a suitable option. Living with you is not a viable option. And for good measure, fly this situation past YOUR doctor and I'll bet you'll get some sound back up on why you are unable to personally care for your mom in your own home.
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Im 32 lol but thanks for trying to help me. I appreciate it.
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I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow.
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Sorry, kiddo - didn't mean to age you rapidly!
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No thats ok! Honestly thanks for your help. Ive been so stressed out everything I needed to talk to people that are or havr gone through this.
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Your mother is unfair because she's mentally ill. No grandma to be in her right mind isn't pleased as punch that her daughter is showing unless there is significant mental disturbance going on.

You need to leave and go back home. She has a doctor who can help her figure it out.
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Yes, your mother does have some kind of personality disorder. There are plenty of articles on this site about narcissists and borderlines. They all use emotional blackmail to control their adult children and their are articles about that here also.

Of course she does not like your husband. She sees him as competition for your attention and your having a baby bothers her because that's more competition, plus gives objective proof that you are not her little girl anymore. (This is making me feel very angry toward your mother in your behalf!)

Dam, I think I'd let the whole ____ doctor's office know your pregnant and happy about it! Could your husband go to the appointment as well? The doctor may not feel as free to intimidate him as the doctor is to intimidate you?

Here's an idea. Ask your doctor to contact your mother's doctor to inform them that you are pregnant and that continuing to have your mother in your house is not healthy for your pregnancy and practically speaking you will not be able to care for your mother as a new mother. Maybe one professional talking to another would help. Call your doctor about this in the morning about trying this approach?
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Babalou, I believe this mom is in the daughter's home?
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I wish I could tell every single person facing the unreasonable demands of a parent - or really of any human being that they love, and feel they owe a debt of love to - that the right answer to unreasonable demands is usually NO. Meet real needs - not whims and wishes, when meeting them is unbearably costly to other human being. Offer reasonable options, exclusively. There is a time and place to give someone something they want just because they want it, but this is NOT it.

People like this who have no limits set for them only becoming increasingly unbearable and usually no happier for it, ever. It is hard emotionally and rationally to have to be the adult in charge, but you have to be the adult in charge of making and sticking to these kinds of decisions. Loving and caring for someone does not mean doing everything they think you should do for them. It doesn't work in raising children, and it doesn't work in helping aging loved ones. And you don't need to feel guilty about not doing it.
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Cmagnum-thats actually a great idea. I have doctors tomorrow. ( I find out the sex of the baby!!! )Im going to talk to her about this...hopefully she will be on my side because I cant keep picking my mother up and putting her in her wheelchair. Shes not a heavy woman but shes just dead weight and doesn't try to help me. I will see what my doctor says tomorrow.
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I believe we have 2 mothers we are chatting about in one thread. We started with a man & his brother. Now we also have a pregnant lady. I am having a challenge keeping the situations separate. OR I am really lost. Also possible.
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Help me!!! I am so excited for you!!!! Please let us know the sex of the baby, most of us need a little sunshine in our lives!!! I am so past the hard times, I want to make sure you get there too. Make sure that little bundle of joy gets the best possible life.... I know what it's like to have joy again...
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Yes!!! If you have a good doctor, they will help you....
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I definitely will! Thanks
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helpme14, somethings when I get angry over something, I actually think more clearly and creatively, but now always :)! I wish you the very best.
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sometimes not somethings :)
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Yes, I think the thread got hijacked...it started out with the original person who posted and got changed. I just want to add one more thing. Neither of these mothers are ever going to change. Wishing they would is useless. Lots of good advice has been given here and I know it is helpful to hear that other's have been there and are on your side. Now rather than wishing "she'd be different" because that's not going to happen, take the good advice here, start making a list of the things mentioned that can be done and take control. It's hard and it's so easy to be overwhelmed. For the original poster, who has been quiet, let us know how it's going. For Helpme, have your doctor help.. He or she should support you. Go to a therapist...they can help you with how to begin taking control back. Stop the mother from her abuse. Tough love is needed and putting up boundaries. Your baby is also the victim of your stress your cortisol levels are high from it and the baby gets that too. Your first responsibility is to YOUR family. Mom has had her chance to be responsible for herself. Your are NOT responsible for her just to her. She is asking your to do things above your "pay grade"if you will. If you keep doing them, that is your choice not hers. So I hope you can begin taking steps now towards a better life....you know you deserve more than this. But it is about decisions and choices. So far wishing it were different isn't changing. Please list your steps and get started. One at a time or it will seem overwhelming. We are here to advise and we want to hear back when you've moved forward. God bless.
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When I started reading your Question, I was wondering if you knew my mom. After reading the many comments, sadly, I find that many of us are in the same boat.

I agree about using the resources of the hospital when she gets bad enough to require that. The hospital can not force you to take care of her and must find a place for her (temp or permanent) that meets her needs before discharging her.

We recently had visiting nurse and PT come to mom's during the winter of snow when she could not/would not go out. That was somewhat helpful and the PT person who came was great and mom actually did the exercises and continues to do them now that VNA has stopped. Medicare does cover this to prevent more ER and Hospitalizations...but doctor must order it.

The problem is how to stop once you have made the mistake of moving in on a temporary basis...(let me know when you figure this one out) like I did...
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I dont have any answers no matter who I call...they all say the same thing.."they cant help". So im guessing my only options is to call the state my only worry is that she will be put in a dumpy or not safe environment. I dont know why my mother thinks its ok for all of us to live this way. Im so tired of her and everything.
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And the best part of all this is that she thinks everything is great.
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Go ahead and call the state.. You can keep an eye on her from a safe distance.
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Emjo: I have worried about you since I hadn't seen any post from you. Glad to see you are okay.

It is very difficult living life like this. I feel your pain Helpme!!
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jdonald -see if you can find a Adult family care home in your area not an ALF not a SNF-usually 2 to4 patients in a private home enviroment, You can check with your local senior center or AHCA website for refferals. This has worked out much better for many. ALF are extremely expensive and she may not want or need complete SNF yet. She would be around her peers, make friends andnot be confined to a instutional setting. They have most service come in-doctors, nurses,pt,pt in beauty salon.....worth a look and much more cost effective. You can always go in respite-short term to make sure she likes it, give her a chance to adjust! Good Luck!
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Help me, what did your doctor say about you lifting your mother while being pregnant? Did you tell him you feel that you are going to have a nervous break down? Move out, you are lucky you are living in her house, you can just walk away, just call the state so they are aware. Its summer and you can live in a campground while you save up money. Can you do that? I did it for a summer, while my son was an infant, it was fun! Or maybe your husband's family will let you move in for a short while you save up money... or maybe you have some money saved up?
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...one more idea, next time your mom wants you to help lift her, refuse! Tell her you refuse to harm your unborn baby. Buy her a commode and tell her she is stuck in bed for now on. Call an ambulance instead.
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I remind mom that she needs to keep moving. When she can no longer get from bed to bathroom and back (at a minimum) then we have to talk about another living situation.

If she falls or can not get up...I call the FD and they come and get her up and assess her physical (and mental condition) before leaving or taking her to ER if required. I am not able to lift or help her up without risking my own poor health. Please do not risk injuring yourself!
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I have a herniated disk and found that even though she only weighs a hundred pounds there is nothing i can do myself if she falls. Tried once and ended up in bed for 3 days. I need to go to doc myself but i have no ins and no time. Ibuprofen and baer back and body are my best friend along with a heating pad and linament, lol. Running back and forth for her all day and standing to clean all day kill my back and legs. I have always worked physical jobs with heavy lifting since the age of 15. Was always built for it and loved it. Just cant anymore. I was injured at work a year ago, they said i had a herniated disk, pulled lumbar and cyatic nerve damage all because of over working while having degenerative bone disease. I suffer through though. So i know what u mean. Thanks for the advice
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