Has anyone just cut & run from crazy, unreasonable parents?

If the possibility of an inheritance is the only thing holding you there, just forget about it. Sooner or later they will need more care than you can provide and the inheritance will disappear so fast.

When my mom died in 2003 my dad sold the house for 15xs what he paid for it. He moved into a small apartment that he could easily afford with social security. He had mid 6 figures in the bank. For nearly 10 years he was pretty much self sufficient. Then he had a medical issue and started to decline. Seemed like for two years I was on call 24/7...while raising two kids and working a full time job, I was run ragged. All the time he kept holding my 'inheritance' over my head every time I was called out for a midnight trip to the ER. Then he decided he wanted to go into Assisted Living (I think he thought it would be the same as a trip to the ER...everyone fussing over him). I was starting to set boundaries and he wanted more attention. I knew as soon as he went into AL any idea of an inheritance was out the window. He has been there nearly 4 years. The money is quickly running out. He has no real life, he just exists. It was for the best as I could not keep up with the level of care/attention he needed/demanded/wanted.

I’m very sorry and sad that this has happened to you. Something similar happened to me, but it was my parents’ decision (not sibling) to give their house ownership over to my sister since she had significant financial problems and since I was in a stable marriage and we owned our house. However, I was the one a few miles from my parents and helping them, while my sister was 3 hours away. They had been assisting her financially for quite a while.

As soon as they told me their plans, I drove over and talked with them and reminded them that family history was repeating itself, as my mother’s brothers got the farm instead of the sisters who cared for my grandmother.

I am hoping that you can gather up your courage and speak with your parents and remind them who is caring for them (you) and who is not caring for them (brother). They must come to terms with that truth and change the plan to cut you out of the will. If they do not, you can do as others here have suggested, to ask your brother to step in for the summer, then have him continue in the fall, winter, spring, etc.

There seems to be quite a few of us who have been in a family dynamic like yours and mine. This life can be very unfair, I will pray that you will have a calm heart and know that we are rooting for you. Please keep us updated. Hugs and love to you. ❤️

I HEAR U loud and clear ...
I have experienced this just in a different configurations.
i am the daughter with my brother being the “golden child”
To make a similar story short ... I HAD to get out of this for my own mental health!
i was their supply to abuse ... after 66 years the light bulb went off and I saw the light . I wanted my life back .. the joy peace and love of my own family that loves me unconditionally!
This has been hard no question but on the other side I DID find my old self .
i have found my peace I found my joy again and my family got me back !
No question I have and would do anything for family except give myself up! Whatever time we have left on earth we need to be true to ourselves .
Be strong and true to yourself that’s all
anyone of us have ♥️

I recently ceased all communication with my toxic mom for 30 days. No matter how much I cared or did it wasn’t enough. It is doubtful that any inheritance you might receive is at the cost of your peace of mind. My mom has made her estate into a sword of damacles that hangs over my sister and my head. It’s a very personal decision but I am opting out to save my sanity. Good luck.

Sometimes peace of mind is better than anything else. You should talk a big break let your brother take care of them until school reopen then if you fell like it u go back. Talking to your dad about 25 percent get it in writing let him sign it in front of notary. Also good luck take care of you

Don't do it. I know you might feel used, but you are feeling overwhelm from being mobbed by the family to put you in the role of full time caregiver.... I know also that leaving will make you feel worse once they are gone even if they were BPD and an Enabler. I would however talk to a lawyer about your brother and cousins as soon as possible. Tort Law specialist, as in defamation of character would be a start....They are exterting "undue influence" over your parents (a term you can use with your parents estate lawyer) and I would approach your parents' lawyer but do this all on the hush do not tell other relatives, nor friends... I got a feeling there are more than one in the woodpile of narcissists ...in your life....and you would also attract others you may not be aware of.
A simple half hour call for a free consult will allay a lot of your anguish about your sexist brother, to say the least. I do not know who said what to whom, was it your mother? Can you find out who her lawyer is, and if you can get a copy of the will as soon as possible but from your parent (the more willing one) otherwise, be careful as your brother may have appointed him as Executor, and then he will try to rip you off, if he can get away with it. (a guess only).

Is there any money in the bank from your folks for extra help or if you live in Canada, any government funded personal care workers that can lend a hand? Would your mother agree to hiring extra help and can you get her on a good day to let her know what is wrong with the idea of you being there full time and do not during this conversation mention your brother as her ears will perk and she will shut you down.

Finally, and more strategic is also to do the following, find a mediator for elder care, and ask them to set up a meeting for you and your brother about sharing duties. That will fix his little red wagon, because if he refuses, you can then definitely prove to your parents' estate lawyer that he is abusing you due to your gender stereotypical role...and if he then tries to have the will changed to remove you, (due to his influence on your folks)...well, then you will have a leg to stand on...

Put him in his place....

I gave up and then I went back for a full year working 3 to 4 days for 4 hours each day for a full year till my mother died. I was there at her last breath. I am at peace ...and so is she.

In a dysfunctional family, justice and fairness is our most dep and strongest need...is it fair that you get ousted from the will? No matter if it were even a dollar? No.

I am not materialistic, I am principled. I would caution that like my siblings, they took my mother to the lawyer to remove the original executor (a non sibling) and put herself as an executor, now they are going to sit on the estate as long as they can legally and then disburse. They want to see if I die of covid is my guess...they did a lot of research to see how they can take more than their share, and as I was on a sick leave from work, they thought I was on social assistance and cheshire cat smiled that I would only be privy to $100K from the house.

You might need to get a cease and desist letter against your brother if he is defaming your charectar as a being a "bad daughter"....I bet he is a math teacher...LOL.

Wow! I am so sorry to hear that your parents have driven you to the point of no return. Have you shared your feelings with them? I would use "I" statements to minm8ze the defensiveness. For example, I am unable to tolerate your behavior anymore. It hurts me and 8s emotionally and psychologically draining. I don't want to end this relationship, but I feel I have no choice. I would include your brother and cousin in this conversation. Be sure of your decision, can't waffle. You could also trial a break from them prior to ending everything. Maybe consider meeting with a family counselor whose subspeciality is geriatrics. It will be interesting to see if your brother and cousin step up to the plate as caregivers.

God bless the child that’s got their own.

I am almost done wrapping up my mom‘s estate. Similar story. I live 800 miles away from my mom my brother lived 15 minutes away. He did nothing to help her for the last five years before she died. The trust leaves 94% of all the proceeds to him. The point is it might not be right it might not be fair, but somehow it is right and it is fair. My brother has got no skill set he’s got no job. He’s in great shape goes to yoga and surfs every day but he is a bum. I assume he will probably go through it in about two years. I will be fine and I will have a pension and my own house. Yes I resent my brother for not helping. But I know that I did the right thing and I helped my mom. You have to be patient.

The land your dad owns with 2 of your cousins: His primary residence is usually not considered as a resource should he have to enter a Medicaid state paid bed at a facility IF the need arises. The land, however, would be. So the value of his half of that extra land could possibly be used to pay for his care when he passes. The state will look at his assets at the time of his death and recover the cost of his care. It is possible that all of his share of the land money would be taken back by the state leaving you -0-. If your brother and cousins have come up with a plan to cut you out, what was their plan on dividing the land money when dad passes? Maybe they mentioned they had talked to an elder attorney to set the land up in some kind of trust?? Is it possible they are trying to protect it from possibility of Medicaid recovery, as I mentioned?

If you do nothing about the land and dad passes at home without any state Medicaid expense, you and your brother would end up with 25% each anyway because that is the split of dad's 50% ownership without a will. If dad has a will that leaves everything to both of his kids equally, you still get the same 25% each. What if dad dies before mom?? Does his will leave everything to her? In that case, mom would need a new will to distribute her estate.

For the most part, the sons usually get a bye from mom because mom would never think of asking a son to do some of the things for her that she would ask a daughter to do. That's just how it is. Maybe your conversation needs to be with brother.

If he works during school year, there's just not much he can do during the week, but he can certainly participate on weekends to give you a break. During the summer, you could flip the responsibility so that you cover weekends. Just begin with the fact that your parents have more than one child and you have to work out a better plan. Tell him you are exhausted and dealing with mom is very hard for you - ASK for his help. If nothing else, ask him to take care of errands and dr appts during the summer months. Worst case scenario, he says no.

I walked away from my mother last year. She had major depression her whole life. As a young child, my mother was very sickly. She became accustomed to love and comfort through sympathy, and, despite many, many decades of psychotherapy, antidepressants and even shock treatments, she fell into a never-ending cycle of manipulating people to “get” love and attention. I thought for years that if I was just supportive and loving enough she’d be fine. My whole family catered to her every whim. I was taught even by my father that if I was a good girl and did more for her it would help.

Recent extensive psychological evaluations and medical testing have shown my mother to be completely healthy. She is a vibrant, athletic, active 78 year old woman who rides her bicycle to the gym. However, she claims to have multiple medical problems, has had unnecessary surgeries, and spent the last five years feigning Alzheimer’s. Does she really have some other kind of dementia? It’s hard to know for sure. Does she have a fictitious disorder (Munchausen)? She fits the profile, but sadly those personalities don’t want to be diagnosed. Does she manipulate consciously? I don’t know how much is conscious— very little, I’m afraid.

But despite not having all the answers, despite knowing she is utterly miserable and bereft, I walked away. She’s mean. She’s self-absorbed. She’s emotionally and verbally violent. She makes scenes if I don’t do what she wants.

When I refused to let her move in with me she threw a fit in public. This could be attributed to dementia, but she did it when I was six, and it’s consistent with her personality, so it’s not new behavior. So I walked away.

I walked away permanently, gave up my POA, had my name removed from her bank info.

I walked away, despite the fact that others believe I’m selfish, I walked away. BTW, I’m a therapist, and I walked away.

My point is these things are messy, and can be argued from many perspectives, which is exhausting. You are not a bad person. You are entitled to your own life. You shouldn’t put yourself down at all.

It takes tremendous courage to walk away, and the emotions might be messy. Not allowing yourself to be subjected to the unhealthy dynamic is a vote for your own courageous spirit. Besides, you can’t really help other people by allowing them to gang up on you.

My advice is to follow your gut, put “free” signs around their necks and wheel them all out to the curb.

Sending you virtual hugs and support, whatever you decide.

Well nothing as drastic as that. But my mom who is 91 with some dementia totally was resistant to having someone come in the house a couple of days a week to help her (and me). Both my brother and I were trying to say we didn’t feel she could be on her own but that I needed a break because I am the primary caregiver. She flat out refused so we decided to leave her on her own to help her realize that she needed help. Just got back to mom’s house after about 36 hours and the one thing I was most worried about was her eating. When I came in the house she was sitting at the table eating. But she also said that she wanted to call the girl we met with the other day to take care of her. So as hard as it was to do this I think it may have been an eye opener for Mom.

Last night you found out about the land bequest.

How?

The first thing I'd do is make sure what you heard is true. Then I'd fact-check the reasons. And then I would tell them what I thought of (you'll excuse me, but this is what it sounds like to me) self-perpetuating, antediluvian, misogynistic injustice.

You need to do this fact-checking with the person who will be making the bequest, by the way, which is to say your father and no one else. What's he got to say about it? How does he square it with what he has always told you until now?

Anyway. Let's assume it's as near true as makes no difference; which means that regardless of anyone's reasoning or anyone's influence, you're nobody's heiress.

What you do then is take a break. These people have deeply hurt your feelings - again - and you need time to recover from it.

What you do after that is decide for yourself what you are and are not prepared to give to and do for your very elderly parents. Because in the end, how you (anyone) treat people (anyone else) is about what you are like, and not what they are like; and you must not allow their behaviour towards you to influence your own personal deeply held standards of what is decent.

I find it troubling that your brother is a teacher. What does he teach, and to whom?

You are not a stupid chump. You have not been fooled. To explain: the land never was the reason you have persisted in treating your parents as well as you could in the circumstances. You weren't turning up there and being their daughter because of any promises - on the contrary! You did it because it felt right to you. What's wrong is this latest (and it's a biggy, I agree) injury; but it's nothing to do with your being taken for a ride, everything to do with your being disadvantaged and excluded AGAIN.

If it is true, and irreversible, I'd be spitting feathers too; but take time to think how you want things to pan out overall. Don't just react.

Draw healthy boundaries. Define what you are willing to do; when you are willing to do it; and what kind of behavior will cause you to withdraw your help. I know, easier said than done.

If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to find a counselor to help me navigate through a really tough elder/family time in my life. If you are open to therapy, now is the time. This family dynamic has been in place your whole life. Seek assistance in breaking the pattern.

If you walk away without explanation, others will create a narrative. And it will most likely paint you in a bad light. If you choose to dis-engage and walk away, mail your parents a card telling them that you are doing this because their words and actions have been hurtful to you. Specify if you intend to see them for birthdays or holidays or not.

Yes, it was a hard decision and most of the time , 99-% I’m good with it. My father was abusive, narcissistic , MEAN . I don’t want to rehash it here. But when I had kids if my own, I GOT IT. And never contacted him again . He’s 88 yrs old. He has other people who are taking care of him. Either by love or manipulation. It’s not my circus , not my monkey anymore!
your mental health is not worth it.
TRUST ME.
money isn’t worth it.
get a therapist if you need one.
return to the land where you are in charge of your happiness and leave scheming mean people behind . Relationships are 2-way streets no matter who’s involved .
wishing you only the best !

I got the sense that you were helping them more because you knew they needed help, and knew brother was useless, but cut back because things improved for them AND you needed to back off from mom's (and others) lack of understanding, care and negative vibes. 

As for the "inheritance", as others noted that may end up being little or nothing, if they need a lot of assistance. You indicated that you really did not need it, though it does hurt to have one's parents cut you out just to be spiteful (or because they listen to bro's crap.)

Although it would be nice if there are funds left after our mom passes, her assets are hers and are to be used for her care. I can manage without, if her care ends up depleting it all. No one (excluding those super rich) are guaranteed inheritance, so it shouldn't be a goal for a sensible person. In your case, I would definitely cut and run. Any possible financial gain probably isn't worth the stress and negativity you have to put up with!

I agree with those who say (including you) not to be snotty or vindictive and burn the bridges behind you. Just make a list of what care you provide, give it to bro and with NO excuses just say you need to have a break. You don't even have to acknowledge that the break will be permanent (it may not be - there could be reason to help out later.) Just hand him the list of what needs to be done and go. The list is just to satisfy you, that you made the one final sacrifice to ensure their care!

If you are self-sufficient, no amount of money or other inheritance would be enough for me to take that kind of crap from anyone. Getting it from all sides? Done. Like you, I took on what I could (mostly managing things for mom and finding a nice safe place for her) just because. We didn't have a lovey-dovey relationship, but neither was she too bad, I just knew I couldn't live with her and could not physically care for her, but did what I could. Bros, not so much. Limited and often begrudging help. I am DONE with OB due to his abusive nature (dates back to childhood, never went away! It has been over 2 years since we had any contact.) Once mom is gone, I'll likely be done with YB as well. Too self-absorbed. I can find better people to be friends and pseudo-family!

You can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, but unfortunately you can't pick your family (at least not the birth family, but you can pick those you DO want to be like family!! GO for it!)

There is a time when you have to let go and take care of yourself. I was the only child and suffered a lot of abuse during childhood. That greatly affected my life and how I related to others, causing a bad marriage and many problems with depression, suicide attempts and things I do not even like to remember. I was told many times by doctors to move away and not even have contact with my mother after I was married and she still was controlling my life. I grew up overseas, so here I was in the US finally living a better life, and yet the guilt made me decide to bring her over and have her move in with me. I fixed up a room for her, she had a TV and everything else she could possibly want. It was never enough. It is a whole book how I finally decided that she was also ruining my young son and that she would have to go. The process was very intense and full of guilt - who would take care of this old woman now? You know what? She survived just fine - ended up having all kinds of help and finally getting a nice apartment and seemingly be very happy. Meanwhile I have never been okay, or what I think would be okay. I am clinically depressed and now old and alone. I lost my son when he was 14 and for a short while my mother was back in my life. The last time I saw her was many many years ago and it ended in a horrible breakup after three weeks that involved the police and that was the last time I saw her. I do not know when she died or how sick she really was - and yes - she was a borderline personality. Do I feel guilty now? No - after many years I have finally forgiven her for the abuse I suffered and I am functioning, living alone and not having a soul in the world to help me. The hatred and the turmoil of my life is past - yet my mind still remembers it all like it was yesterday.
I can only say that the feelings and attachment we feel for our parents is often misplaced and the time does come when you have to leave it all behind. Do not ruin your own life over your mother who clearly does not appreciate whatever you do for her. People might say how ungrateful I am and that we owe our parents everything - but really - do we at the cost of losing ourselves???

Please don’t just walk away. You will then be dealing with unresolved guilt. Read the book Boundaries by Townsend. It will transform your life!!
You set your boundaries and stick to them. Believe me I know. It’s amazing what happens when you respect yourself when setting boundaries.
A few years back I was run ragged looking after a declining mother. I posted updates for my siblings. One sibling was mia but one day responded to a post with two pages of criticism. I had a choice to walk away I was so angry and hurt. My wise hubby told me not to respond to that email.
From then on I read that book and set boundaries and my mental state is fine now. I don’t care about any inheritance. But my parents and I are at the point now where they gift me funds for assisting them. It’s less than what they would have to pay a carer but enough not to cause resentment. All my siblings know about this arrangement and they also know that if I were to walk away they are up the creek. Now they can carry on with their lives without disruptions but that would be halted if I walked away. And that sibling who was so nasty years ago has even thanked me for the work I do. It’s truly amazing what can happen when boundaries are set. I thank that author who penned that book!!

I use to wonder why my Dad did not support us against my mother’s behaviors when she was unfair and acting out but I finally figured out that he knew before we did that she was developing mental problems which eventually turned into full blown dementia. He just didn’t want to say it out loud. He was in sort of denial until it got really bad. He always wanted things quiet and everybody to get along and do what Mom said regardless of how demanding it was. Come to find out, he didn’t want to hear her ranting when we were not there so “ everybody just do what she says and all will be fine”. That monkeyed with my and my sister’s heads big time! I lived an hour and half away and moved back to town because I knew they might need me but THEN, she was so demanding that my husband and I moved back to where we had lived before! So YES, sometimes you have to make yourself absent until Mom gets ready for nursing home or they get caregivers. I did move back but my sister and I got caregivers to come in 8 hours a day including giving her meals before they left. You have already set boundaries by backing off to two days per week but now look what they did! Cut you out! I am not sure why Moms favor sons sometimes when the daughter is also an achiever but they do many times. If you are self-sufficient, don’t let them hold money over your head. Go when and if you want to go and keep those boundaries in place. Do what you feel is FAIR considering your babied brother. Your Mom’s age, sad to say, will take care of things. People just “age out” at some point. That may sound harsh but those who have controlling parents understand what I am saying. You feel trapped and don’t expect the parents to care about that. Good luck and keep those boundaries tight. Be happy and look after yourself. Your brother can grow up and work for his Sunday dinners and inheritance!

Just leave and go live your life. Material things are not worth the anxiety.

Take a deep breath. You need a time out to regain your focus and center. The abuses and behind the back, backstabbing negotiations of your siblings... disgusting. There's a bunch of us sensitives who have been groomed to be compassionate whipping posts. Reaffirm, it's good to be kind, caring and compassionate... really. The challenge is we tend to give it to everyone else before ourselves first. Better to make small change the big one you might regret. Rather than say goodbye forever, announce a week or two timeout, and then do it, responsibly, you'll like yourself better for it. In Kindness to You.

Oh, dear, MMasonSt, I'm SO sorry to hear about your situation.

Personally, I did cut and run. I moved in with my mother temporarily after a divorce. She was 84 @ the time and doing o.k., but was on the verge of going into an irreversible decline, physically and cognitively. So I became her fulltime caregiver (with ALL that implies). I have two sisters, who have always had issues with me (jealously, mostly), and just plain never liked me. They were mean, judgmental, and attacked me verbally at any chance for not being a perfect human being. Otherwise, they were the classic sibs who 'lived too far away' and was 'too busy with work' to assist in any way. After 5 years, I have 30 days notice, packed my car and drove away for them to figure it all out. I'd been counseled by my therapist and two good friends to leave for a few years. Absolutely one of the HARDEST thing I ever did in 65 years. But it was forced upon me to choose which poison to drink. Now, 2 years later, I can see that it was the RIGHT choice for me. My sense of self respect, self confidence, and self esteem is returning.

GOOD LUCK! I promise, I'll pray for you.

Yes, you can go no contact. Run a thought experiment first and try to see how you will feel when you hear of their deaths - or if you never hear. Will you feel guilty and terrible because you didn't give and give, or will you be mourning the loss of what you could have had and should have had - a loving and accepting family that never existed? Will you be bitter that brother and cousins are laughing all the way to the bank, or will you feel that you got the better deal being done with the toxicity and able to go on and live your life? And if they've already had you written out, you probably would have a difficult time changing their minds again. Leave the poisonous people behind if that's what you need to do to feel good about yourself. Through a group for adult children of hoarders that I am in, I have seen so many people who have gone no contact because of the mental illness and instability of their parents that just saps the adult children's lives of joy. Do what will allow you to face your future.

That’s heavy. I definitely believe you should let your dad know they’ll be happy to help do all the weekly stuff moving forward and you’ll need some time to yourself to think about why you’ve ... i dont know.. “disappointed them to the level they felt you should be cut out of the land.” It’s not really important that’s the way you feel. And it’s not about the money. It’s that you’ve been the one helping them out. But since it’s not wanted, you’re happy to have the others take over and be sure to try and leave on a positive note. Tell them you love them and to call you if they need anything. (Though when they ask for a grocery run in a couple days, remind them you’re going to need a lot more time before you’re running errands for them. That’s what the others are for now and moving forward.).
Ultimately, there’s got to be a way for you to forgive all of them. Otherwise, you’re hurting yourself hoping to make them feel badly and they probably just don’t. Know what I mean?
Tough situation. Be strong & Good luck.

Wow! I agree with another poster... take the summer off. You can say it is for “ health reasons”... which is true! You need a break. Truly take care of yourself. Give yourself time to think things over. However, to just let them “have” everything might be a blessing in disguise for your health, peace and sanity. I am just so sorry all of this happened. However, don’t look at this situation as your destination, because it isn’t.

Imho, perhaps you should stay away just long enough for them to realize that they erred, but I am not you. That's terrible.

Hi MMason
Your post made me cry. I just want to hug you. Your dilemma is so deep one with no easy answer. The way you’ve been treated is terrible. I have a sister just like your bother, I’ve blocked her on my phone. You deserve your inheritance and your brother is guilty of coercion, a type of elder abuse. If finances allow you may want to retain an estate Atty. Take copious notes of all conversations and observances and do sit down with both parents to “have a conversation with them” as opposed to we need to talk. Ask them if there is a problem that you should know about. If they fein innocence tell them think it’s time your brother took care of them because you feel unappreciated, used, abused and unloved. Don’t be afraid of using the same unsavory verbiage that they do, it’s what the know.

Be very aware of how this will make you feel. Guilt? Sadness? Anger (at bro)? It isn’t an easy decision for you. I hope you have someone(wife, gf) to support you. {{{{Mason}}}}
love and light
Sabrina

My motto is that I never want to go to my grave with regrets. There are many kinds of help available these days. All daughters, more or less, go through this. The old saw: my daughter's my daughter for all of my life, my son's my son til he takes a wife. How true. Find another way to stay with this family, but seek help and visit a lawyer to see what your rights are. If you bail, you have no recourse. I agree .. go take a summer vacation. Just leave and see how they float or sink their ships. Change your phone number. Make sure to come back so that they know you are still around.

why should your brother who lives ten miles away help when you are willing to do the job?

Hi. Don't feel bad about what you have done for love. If you feel it is not appreciated and that your mother is verbally abusive, it may do you some good to tell her how unhappy you are as a matter of clearing the air. The people who do nothing are the ones cutting you out? I'd get to the bottom and discuss it with those involved as in what gives them the right. Your leverage is you still have your health and can walk away if you feel it won't change. But whatever you have done was for the right reasons. Unfortunately, gratitude is a rare commodity for those we help. Change the dynamics if you can. You control what you will do for them. Make yourself happy first and good luck.

You've lived life how you were taught, played with the cards life delt you. No shame or blame in that!

But you CAN change the game now or at any time. My gut reaction is to say go low contact - in order to preserve your own sanity against their scheming ways. Send a card for birthdays & special holidays. Then challenge the will after they are gone (ha!).

Keep in contact with any respectful, kind relatives. The 'black sheep' term is probably not P.C. (sorry) but I have read a few posters that embraced being one - they stopped caring what others thought about them. It set them free. I don't know if this idea would work for you?

Keep dialling the contact lower & lower until you reach acceptable. If that level is zero. Zero it is. 🙏 Peace to you.