kas15 Asked November 2021
Have you ever yelled at your loved one for not using their walker? Am I a horrible person for losing my temper?
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Well, it happened. I feel incredibly guilty because I yelled at my MIL that lives with me and told her she had to use her walker no matter what if she wants us to continue to care for her. It is too dangerous not to. She is on Eliquis. She does not have dementia but she is 94 and not stable on her feet.
Because someone is elderly doesn't that mean we can't get mad at them? I don't have kids and I feel like this is something people with kids go through.
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Appreciatively,
Kim
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Don't make yourself feel worse than you already do. Forget it, (your loved one has!) and move forward. Know that there will be times you are so frustrated you snap. It will happen. Just take a beat, calm yourself as much as you can and move forward.
You are not alone,
My Mother is exactly the same but she made it through hip surgery and a fractured pelvis. She is 96. She now uses her walker! At some level at the age of 95 and beyond it is a sort of blessing when they pass away. My heart breaks for my Mother as I know she wants to go. Everything she does is an effort and my husband and I would be so thankful if she did pass. I hope that doesn't sound too weird but it's honest. This is never easy and it's the frustration of caring for them so much that when they don't listen to you you lose it. I could write a book about what we've gone through in the last 16 years, yes 16 years, after my Father passed. Everything you wrote is so spot on, thank you for sharing!
She fell (wasn't using walker but thank goodness the medical alert button although not on her, was within her grasp) and broke her femur just below her hip replacement joint, and ended up having a Open reduction and internal fixation surgery. Unfortunately, she got a staph infection in the surgical area (another surgery again), and ended up passing away a month after the second surgery. All of this didn't have to happen if she would have just used her walker.
I feel it was selfish and childish of her to not use her walker, because her lack of using it not only created her serious health problems that could have been avoided, but it also upended my life in trying to take care of her and her needs during that time. No amount of me asking, pleading, rationalizing, threatening got her to use her dang walker. She did what she wanted to do and how she wanted to do - didn't matter how it affected others in her life.
As a caretaker, you're going to feel angry at times. You're doing a tough job that can be extremely frustrating. But, be careful, anger can make things worse, not better. It sounds like you may need some breaks from this exhausting job.
Bring someone in several times a week to help give you relief. You need times when you're not dealing with this 24/7 issue. There are lots of resources that can offer suggestions and practical help. It shouldn't all be on your shoulders. If she's 94, you're probably in your 60's or 70's which means you may have your own health issues that affect your ability to do the things you want to do for her at times. Treat yourself with the same patience and love you do your ML.
Ask your husband to take her for a drive now and then so you can have some quiet time. Or, leave her with him and visit a park or someplace where you can meditate and find some quiet, personal time.
I informed her that if she fell, I would not help her up.
If the injury prevents her from being semi-independent, off to the old folks home for her. She knew I meant it after she fell and I refused to help her up.
You have to use tough love on stubborn men and women or else they will keep on repeating the stupid behavior. The first time is a learning incident, anything after that is stupid ( you know what will happen if you refuse to do what is right yet you insist on doing it. That is stupid ).
That said, my 90 y/o father was VERY unsteady on his feet and refused to use even a cane to help himself. One day, we took him to Walgreens and my husband placed him in front of the cane display; told him to please select a cane of his choosing and purchase it, no choice, period. That was the day Dad started using a cane.
The cane wasn't really enough to balance Dad so we ordered him a walker thru Medicare. He refused to use it. We begged him, hollered at him (GASP!) we cajoled him, we used every tool in our toolbox to get him to use it, but he was stubborn and flatly refused. Dad fell one night at 2 am while en route to the bathroom and broke his hip.
After not being able to complete a stint in rehab, he was forced into Assisted Living and I had to liquidate their apartment in Independent Living and move mom into AL with him. Dad died 11 months later from a brain tumor that was revealed during an MRI after the broken hip incident.
The moral of the story is this: you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do.
You're not a 'bad person' for yelling at your MIL; you are a kind person trying to get HER to do the right thing in an effort to spare her future pain & agony, that's all.
But remember: You can't save a person from herself. Let her do as she wishes and let the chips fall where they may. You'll know you tried your best and that's that.
Best of luck.
My husband who had vascular dementia, before he was bedridden was very unsteady on his feet, and fell a lot, while I was near by, and I never once considered myself a bad person because of that, nor should you if God forbid it would happen to you. The worst period was when in a 2 month period, he fell 9 times and because I couldn't get him up, had to call the paramedics to help get him up.
Caregiving for a love one is difficult enough, and we should never be made to feel guilty when we all do the very best we can. None of us have eyes behind our heads, nor can we be by their side 24/7.
Maybe she forgot to use the walker or felt she could go a little distance without it. You probably would have found out if you hadn't yelled at her and instead just explain that the meds she's on can make her fall and that you're concerned and doesn't want her to fall and end up in a Hospital.
BUT, if she has her mind and she chooses to walk without a walker then it's really her business.
Either way you should show respect.
It sounds like maybe you need some Respite Care to give you a much needed break or maybe you need a Caregiver once a week to give you a break.
Maybe you can find a Senior Day Care that she can go to and find a friend.
Also remember that having the right tools and "fall proofing" your home will minimize falls. You can never completely keep her from falling. Most residential facilities have come to recognize that "falls happen" but major injuries do not have to. Keep up the good work and don't be hard on yourself.
My friend "deep breath 4 second, hold 2, let out with your stomach for 6" helps me greatly and helps keep my blood pressure good too!
This is a problem but I have learned to ask God to help me in the time of need and He does. My suggestion to you is don't beat yourself up about this because you only want the best for your mother. But what we have to understand is that it's hard to go from being independent to dependent. We must leave this quick fast and in a hurry to survive the devil attack!
Good luck!
We have all had our moments. If you have a rough week - try to find a way to give yourself a break and get out and do something for yourself if you can as it will always benefit both of you🦋
Mom cannot take a single step w/o the support of her walker. She keeps thinking she can get across the kitchen or 'just down the hall' and she has fallen too many times to count.
She has 4 walkers and a wheelchair in a very small apartment, yet she often forgets....dementia has now set in and we are pretty much done with the constant reminders to 'use the walker, mom'.
We're not perfect, and she isn't watched 24/7, so this will be a problem forever.
I can't express enough how much coming here helped me. I feel like I am losing myself and my mind and knowing it is "normal" is a huge help.
As usual good communication is a necessity.
Sending you all good thoughts,
Kim
She didn’t have an answer for that.
My MIL has fallen twice in the last week. I said sure to buying her the wheelchair and walker, but ultimately, the choice is hers. It HAS to be. For the exact reason that you ended up screaming at your MIL. It’s a losing battle. Bad things will happen one of these days when she falls, and I can warn her until I’m blue in the face, but to what end?
Try to disconnect a bit from her. You know what’s best, but even though I’m the mother of two kids, I let them make their own mistakes. That’s how people learn. TRUE, a cognitively declining person is far less likely to learn, but far from a padded cell, what other choice do we have as caregivers?
Getting mad is fine. Getting frustrated is fine. It’s human. We’re being driven to extremes, and our frustration stems from caring. We want them to cooperate because we don’t want them to get hurt. But try to back up and take a breath. Losing it does no good.
But, hey! Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it.
Apart from the one particular lady who frustrated me so much that I longed to staple her falls alarm to her ear and tie her walker around her like a crinoline, I can honestly say that I don't get upset any more about clients refusing ("declining" we call it) sensible precautions and aids. We prompt, we remind, we facilitate, but if 99 year old tiny fragile sweetie-pie is determined to set off for the bathroom with only her faithful old walking stick and keeps her balance by "swimming" her free arm through the air as she bounces off the doorways... hey, it works for her. We explain, prompt, encourage, and document (and we stand as close as we can get); but she decides.
Another lady keeps her falls alarm by her phone. "So" that she always knows where it is. We have discussed this point on a number of occasions by now, and I accept that she doesn't like to wear it round her neck because the cord catches on her O2 cannula, and she doesn't like to wear anything on her wrist because... because. We have come to the understanding that at the end of my visit I look at her over my glasses when I get to that check box on the form, and she says "oh all right then," and I fetch the falls alarm and place it to hand by her armchair. Then she puts it back when she goes to bed.
If this lady goes base-over-apex one night as she's climbing the stairs and falls to the bottom, she is (at best) going to pass a miserable few hours wishing she'd worn her alarm and I and all of my co-workers will very much regret it too. But, so to say, we don't *care.* It won't hurt us. We want her to be safe, it is our responsibility to do all we can to ensure her safety and wellbeing, but we stay behind the boundary. It is her choice about her safety, and not ours about ours.
And, of course, she's not our mother.