My dad is experiencing a lot of anguish and stress because he is seeing consequences of his actions (and lack thereof) around his affairs for years (especially financially). I can see the stress weighing on him and can tell that he is getting sicker all the time, and he isn't enjoying his life because of the grief he's experiencing, not only because of the mess he's in but also because he behaved like an ostrich about it for so many years. I am helping him sort things out as best I can, but they're enormous and far-reaching problems that may or may not be resolved before he dies.
I feel angry, frustrated, and sad both for him and for myself. His actions have had rippled effects on me and other family members that have been significant. AND, he's a good guy at heart who made some big mistakes.
My first tendency is to smooth things over and reassure him he doesn't need to be upset because we're dealing with it, but I sometimes don't think that's really the best approach. #1 because it's important to let him feel what he feels but it's also really affecting my wellbeing as his primary co-caregiver, and I don't think I should have to hide that.
Would love to know how others have dealt with your parents' harmful mistakes and/or actions as they near the end of their lives. How do I lovingly hold him to account and help him enjoy the rest of the time he has left, when the reality is he's caused a lot of hurt and strife?
What could he do about it?
What can you do about it?
Can you be honest? Tell him you see his anguish, you both know he’s hurt himself and others, and you’d like to understand why he made the choices he made. If he made selfish choices, what was in his past that bred selfishness? Maybe it’s an opportunity to become wiser.
Or if dad’s just having a pity party, and wants you to attend, why bother?
In my case, honestly, the answer that I came to just this morning is, No. What my parents have done and the consequences I have had to pay as a result for them is not forgivable. They weren't simply errors or misguided judgments: they were decades-long strings of poor decisions and lack of decisions founded in denial, neglect, and the shirking of parental and personal responsibility. Their actions and lack of action not only left my sibling and me with permanent disabilities that have hampered the course of our lives: their denial and neglect have resulted in me having to make decisions no one should ever have to make for someone else, including having to set in motion circumstances that will ultimately result in a horrible fate for my sibling.
Knowing I was not responsible for the situation or that there was nothing I could do to change it honestly doesn't help make it any easier to deal with. My parents spent decades avoiding a situation (despite my begging), and now *I* will have to live with what happens next for the rest of my days.
I'm going to make some therapist rich for years to come once I find one, that's for sure. My mental and physical health have been destroyed.
Like you, I've struggled with anger, frustration, and sadness, and the desire for my father to acknowledge the truth, extent, and ramifications of my parents' mistakes. (My mother is deceased.) But he hasn't. He never will. He has dementia now, but there'd be no accountability even if he didn't.
Santalynn noted that "You work with what you have in front of you; some things will be adequate, some things will just be 'cut your losses'." After many months of struggling, I've come to realize the things I have to work with are inadequate. All I can do to save what's left of my self (and my husband and my marriage) is to cut my losses and walk away.
That decision, too, I will have to face until the end of my days. I don't want to cause anyone any more suffering, not even my father. But some actions and hurts cannot be transcended. When a hurt is so large that continuing to be involved with someone translates, in effect, to you allowing your wounds to be reopened again and again and again, that's voluntary torture. The better path for reacting to that kind of situation is to avoid it in the first place.
Forgiveness is a wonderful and noble ideal IF whatever has been done is something actually forgivable. Only you can decide whether it is. But scary as it is, sometimes there is no way to move on except to actually move on.
There are antidepressants that specifically target rumination. I would talk to a geriatric psychiatrist about this.
His family suffered( mom, sibling and myself.) and he didn't really seem to care.
I told him he might like to contact one of the pastors, ministers or priests that come to the ALF to care for the spiritual needs of the residents. Anyone but me. I can't carry this stuff anymore. I have also learned to shrug and say oh well.
I think that some of the ‘nobody’s perfect’ ‘forgivers’ have limited experience with what they’re suggesting.
It’s not easy to reconcile “I feel angry, frustrated, and sad both for him and for myself” with “how do I lovingly hold him to account”. In some cases you can’t “hold him to account”. The damage is done, he won’t hold himself to account, and you and others are still picking up the pieces, fall-out from the damage may still be continuing. “Lovingly” is more like reassurance for yourself, where you are judging your own behavior instead of his.
With my dreadful father, I did more than my sisters – traveling 12,000 miles to see him before he died. He hadn’t changed. I doubt if he regretted anything he’d done. This was the best I could do in the circumstances, but it certainly wasn’t lovingly.
Look after yourself and the people who depend on you, and walk away. Leave the whole mess to God.
Have you ever made a mistake? No one is perfect. Please help him now when he needs you!
I told him what’s done is done and now he needs to acknowledge his wrongs, forgive himself and do better.
My Dad had a father that was very violent. Bad relationship there. I read a book called "The Blessing". Everyone needs the blessing from their parents. If you knew your grandparents, do what I did. I told daddy that maybe he didn't know it, but Grandpa used to tell people how proud he was of my Dad, thus, even from the grave, giving the blessing to my Dad.
It all comes down to that. Living in the past and not letting it go. Help him let it go, and live for today. If you and h im have a good relationship, tell your dad that as long as you are with him, you want to get to know him. Give him validation that way, instead of sounding like you're trying to appease him. I pray this helps. It helped me.
Tell your dad that because you love him so much, you want to get to know the real him. Find a day to start fresh. Make it about NOW.
We all make mistakes. Yes all... No one is perfect. Yes you and others feel hurt. But God has forgiven all of us when we ask and pray for that forgiveness. Let God sort it out...
Carrying anger, bitterness and resentment will only hurt you in the long run.
If he's of sound mind, gently tell him you feel hurt, but forgive him.
You will sleep better when that Cortisol stress hormone is not counting through your brain.
We never can change others. Never. We can only change our response to the behaviors. I have had to do this time and time again for 40 years of marriage and 60 years with my father.
Is it hard? Yes. But as time has gone on, I have seen that those mistakes or bad decisions made me the strong independent and forgiving person I try to be .
Blessings to you. Life here is very short compared to eternity. Perhaps call a nearby pastor to talk, or get some godly counsel.
All the best,
It’s not too late to get some balance in that relationship. You can discourage manipulative behavior by either.giving no response or by retreating from the conversation even if it’s momentarily. Respond with warmth and interest when he starts to let go of his manipulation.
At some point he’s gonna have a temper tantrum. He’ll become openly demanding. Successful reasoning with him is as unlikely as achieving reason with a screaming two-year old. Just continue by not reinforcing bad behavior and responding with warmth to improvements in how he treats you.
You have my loving support. You can do this!
Be honest about the stress this is causing you. You cannot sacrifice your life, which will directly impact those your love as well. This will not correct his past.
You could ask him if he wants to genuinely make amends and how does he think he can, do not solve this for him, he is not a child, he is an adult who made choices.
Try to stay in the present. yes you brought this situation upon yourself, you cannot change the past. How do you want to move forward, for here, because this is all we can do.
first we’ve all made stupid mistakes in our lives. Mistakes that have caused rippling effects on those around us. Mistakes or not, we all need grace and forgiveness for our indiscretions.
While grace may be given it does not take away from the fact that the consequences still remain. In that, your are doing an awesome job in still loving and caring for your dad.
I would ask, do you have a Durable Power of Attorney? If so, then exercise it to the fullest. Sell what ever needs to be sold, including his home if necessary. Liquidate all you can of his to clear up the matters. Don’t drag this out. BUT, don’t have him move in with you. Only offload the house if he has a care facility to go to. If he has no assets then you made need to have him made a ward of the state. This will be a tough decision and the consequences of that may also be ugly because the state doesn’t usually place folks in quality centers.
Has your father been officially diagnosed with dementia? If so, then likely he won’t be able to grant you a Health Care POA or the Durable POA.
I would speak with an elder care attorney and get some wise counsel on what your options are.
God bless you for your kindness to your dad. Do your best to show that in the midst of this turmoil.
The greatest gift of all is love.
all we can do is listen, and not stick the knife in. I have a testing relationship with my mum, when it’s good is great, when it’s bad and she’s full on narcissistic I want to move to the other side of the world. She’s 82 I’m 49. It’s been like it for years. I’m in therapy. I know your situ is completely different but it’s a similar root in how we cope with repeated behaviours that hurt us.
at this stage I just take the good days, take a walk away from it when it feels hurty and listen and be with mum and dad when it’s good. It’s so important to let him feel what he feels but equally you want to voice too. That’s when a third party can help for you to voice. Have you tried just listening to him without saying anything, He knows he’s ballsed up and like you say he’s a good guy at heart. That’s what I remind myself with mum and with dad when he’s being an arse too. Mum was on a cow last night when I stayed over to help with dads care, Told me I love you this morning. I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing, but see you later after work now I feel heartless but to be honest I just didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything, I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but it felt better than bull or shouting xxxx
When someone does wrong and it hurts you I say it's okay to be pissed. When those wrongs ricochet threw the years and hurt you over and over again it's fine to be pissed off again.
Today I learned of another stupid thing my dad did. He changed his Medicare/Medicaid during open season. Tenth time in four years. Now I'll have to untangle his mess again, maybe pay another doctor out of pocket again. Why? Because he's trying to get Medicare money back so he can buy stocks and get rich. He said, "I'm going to invest in COVID stocks. They're going to hit big." Christ almighty. He doesn't get money back when he's on Medicaid.
Feel free to feel pissed. It's either that or fratricide.
Tell Dad you are glad he sees how his actions effect everyone else. But nothing he can do about the past. But, you are there to straighten out what u can for the future.
Maybe he needs to talk to a therapist.