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DeeAnna,
Thanks for the post and especially the last sentence. (A Lightbulb moment for me!)

I think I've been confusing grieving with depression or a "bad outlook".

Funny how we think of grieving only when someone dies or is dead. I guess I forgot you can grieve for someone while they are still alive. I think that's what I'm doing.

Well, I won't worry about myself so much now. 😉

Thanks. 🌺🌷🌸🌹💐
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Jules - ABSOLUTELY refuse to take her home. It is much easier to get placed in a nursing home from Rehab than it is from home. Do not let them bully you. It is up to the Social Services department at the Rehab to work with you to come up with a safe discharge plan. That is their job.
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My mom is out of rehab and I took her to my house for the second time knowing I shouldn't . She has been here 4 days now, and I can't stand the sight of her. I have in a back bedroom with a couch and a tv and wants nothing but to be out with us in the living room with the tv blaring. We made rules before she came, and she won't stick to them after day two without a fight. I am ready to take her back to her apartment and let her manage on her own. I am tired of the tv, hygiene, neediness, waiting on her, thermostat, bowel movement problems etc. and just the invasiveness of her being here! I have begged her to stay in the back but she doesn't understand why I don't want to be with her. My SO , argue all the time. We have been waiting for in home service for almost eight weeks and they keep prolonging everything. I thought she would be here a few days at most but now I get a letter from IHSS that the doctor didn't fill out the med cert completely ( which I hand delivered to them 3 weeks ago) 3 weeks to tell me this! But, the last 24 hours have been good as we finally found a 1 yr old pup we rescued,after losing our dog three months ago. This puppy is the cutest, snuggle buggle I've ever seen, so at least I have something to be happy for...
Sorry for my venting
one day later.... I want her out now , I’m done. Still have no in home care after jumping through hoops 7 weeks now. trying to decide if I take her home Tuesday regardless. I’m done. I done all I can and nothing is happening. If I have to see her another day I’m running away. Help!
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Can I be arrested if I take her home?
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BarbBrooklyn Aug 2018
Can you call your local Area Agency on Aging and have them assess mom's needs AT HER apartment? This might have the effect of getting her services in place more quickly.


Does your mom have a diagnosis of dementia? Has she been evaluated for that?

Jules, the next time mom ends up in the hospital or rehab, don't show up. Change your phone number. Let them pretend you don't exist.
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Jules, I just don't know what to say.

If your mother can't even stay in her separate area and can't keep on board with rules she herself agreed to, which is probably not so much because she's being ornery as because she's mentally unable to process the idea, you know quite as well as I do that to take her back to her home and leave her there unattended would be obvious negligence.

Which leaves me saying "I wouldn't start from here..."

Sorry.

So, you're jumping through hoops to get her assistance in her home while she's still in your home, yes? That's your hitch. From the providers' point of view, she is not at risk. She is safe in her daughter's home. No rush then.

You could move her back to her home and go with her (take a folding bed or an inflatable mattress or something). At least it would take the pressure off SO. You would then be liaising with the agencies on the basis that you are staying temporarily and will be leaving on [date].

But actually, it is beginning to sound as if in-home care won't cut it. So, what are the next steps?
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JulesNeedsHelp Aug 2018
I just called in-home care, got the voicemail. Left a message telling them she would be going home unattended and she needs help now! I am going to take her home in a few days. CountryMouse, great idea with the air mattress and calling from her house, It seems that is going to be the only way she will get help..
No she does not have dementia , she is just a lonely women with no friends and family, and wants to suck the life out of me. She Hates my SO, and is extremely jealous of him, and it gets worse every day. He is at the point of no return also. Her perfect world is her living with me, him moving out. I was so angry/mad/sad/frustrated last night, I almost packed her in car and took her home.
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Oh Jules, you need to get some counseling to overcome your FOG with your mom.

It is heartbreaking when you look at her life but, you didn't do it, so you can't fix it.

Please do not just take her home, if she is considered a vulnerable senior, you could be in heaps of trouble. What you can do is drop her off at the ER and don't respond to any calls.

I think that if she is unwilling to stick to the agreement then she gets to pay the consequences.

Sucks, big time, but not nearly as much as you loosing your happy home because of her bad choices. I would not tell her what's up, get her in the car and off you go.

Best of luck letting her live with her choices.
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Jules unless you already have done you seriously need to get your mother's mental state specifically evaluated. Your description of her non-compliance, her inability to understand normal interaction, the series of falls over the last couple of months - these are not signs of a mentally well person.

Difficult and challenging people get dementia too, you know. And dementia comes in many forms. For example, having a fixed idea that you live with your daughter and she takes care of you and sticking to that story come H*ll or high water in spite of the fact that your daughter is going blue in the face saying the opposite. Or, agreeing to house rules and then consistently, from one hour to the next, appearing to ignore them. Or, again consistently, expecting to be welcomed in a room by people who less than two hours ago asked you to leave it.

You think she's a vampire who hates your SO and wants you all to yourself. But what if it transpires that she is indeed a lonely old lady with no friends or family but whose brain ceased functioning properly three to five years ago?

Literally, she needs her head examined. Hasn't anyone in hospital or rehab even discussed this with you?
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JulesNeedsHelp Aug 2018
No, no one discussed that with me at rehab or hospital. I will take your advice and ask her primary care doctor to evaluate.
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Good news indeed. I hope that you get your wish.

I would still follow up with having her evaluated for dementia. That knowledge will help you be prepared for the future and get your ducks in a row, quacking harmoniously.

Have a great weekend!
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