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Jules, please let us know how it's going.

Is the doctor at rehab going to order at home pt and home health services?
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"So against everyone's advice I decided to have her discharged to me."

Why, did you?
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CTT..Thanks for asking! So against everyone's advice I decided to have her discharged to me. They are keeping her until Monday, as I told them I would not be available to take her until then. She is progressing very well with PT. And I talked to her about the rules to making this work. With number one being , be nice . Number two, no loud television unless she was in the back bedroom. I spent yesterday going to the county and applying for in home services and requesting that she be allowed to move downstairs when an apartment becomes available. The in home care may take a month to get, I am planning on moving her home in two weeks unless her doctor tells me otherwise. The moving part may take months. But as long as I can get her upstairs , and she can safely move around. I can get groceries delivered . I also talked to her neighbor yesterday and she said she could pop in and check on her during the day. So that is the plan. I pray that everything goes to plan and next time I update will be to tell everyone she is safely back home.
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Jules, any updates? I am wondering how things are going!
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Just do it Jules. Say no. You don't have to help them decide which facility to place her in. That is their job. They know what options are available and they know what degree of care and services she needs. One short sentence ... "I will not be taking her home with me." Don't say you can't, or that you aren't able to - they will try to convince you that you can and that you are able. If you say you will not take her home - there is nothing left to say. Except why. And that is simple ... it's because you lack the skills and ability to care for her. Period. (And that is probably true.) If you decide you aren't happy with your decision, it will be easy to change things and bring her home. If you take her home now, it will be really difficult - nearly impossible actually - to place her in a facility later simply because it has turned out to be everything you had feared it would be.
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You HAVE to be strong. Just take a deep breath and force yourself to say no. Just say "She cannot come live at my house." And don't say another word. Don't put an "until ....." at the end of that sentence. If you do, they will view that as a maybe and will badger you relentlessly until you give in. If they balk, simply say, "I lack the skills and ability to care for her." Don't cave in. Don't do it. Because here's the deal ... Once they realize that you are not going to give in, they will find a place for your mom where she can continue to recuperate with the care she needs to do so. It's a good thing to do for her too.
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Sue, that was eye opening; I never thought of your example regarding a fire. Never crossed my mind. So thanks for that. Bad Jules!
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Sue1957,
I agree with you on the dangers involved if Mother can not get out.
But Isn't that also true of a bed bound person living at home?
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Jules,
Your mother is at risk of dying if she can't walk to leave her home in case of fire or other disaster.
HOW can they discharge someone who would not be able to escape a catastrophe? Call the fire department and ask about this logic. Then report back to the rehab center as to what they said.

You should be brainstorming right now with the discharge planner/social worker as to WHERE she will go after discharge. Tell them she CAN'T stay with you. And since she will need help after d/c, they need to be looking for a SNF for her.
Practice in the mirror saying,"No, I can NOT take care of her." They don't need a reason. Just NO. They will not put her out on the street. But you MUST be firm.
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Great news, Jules. Keep us updated.
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Glad to hear this, Jules.
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Another day of reprieve. They did not give notice today. I sat in on her PT today and she did pretty well. I was actually impressed. She is no where near being able to be left alone. They said shes at least 8 weeks away from that. Assuming we can get her up the stairs and she never leaves her apartment. I'm going fight the discharge for as long as I can. Thanks for all of the help!
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Sometimes I think we are all living too long, way past what is financially feasible. I wish I had an answer. Seems like there is an outmoded thinking that a woman will always be in the home with nothing better to do that take up the slack. My pet peeve is the "free market capitalism" thinking that it can solve all problems. Really it only has worked, and will only work, because a lot of people (many of them women) have been providing free services to make the system function. Reality is that family life, community life, is socialism based, not free market based. Think about it, please.
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JUST SAY NO. It is the social worker's job to find a safe place for your Mom. But if you accept even the smallest responsibility, then their job is done and you're on the hook
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"So I am expecting the two day notice tomorrow . And I still can't come to grips with what I am going to do."

Did she get the two-day notice today? Have you decided what you are going to do?

Please, please refuse to take her into your apartment. I can see you regretting it very much if you do. What's to regret if you DON'T?

Consider informing the social worker/discharge team/whoever out of your mother's earshot that you cannot take care of her, and that THEY will have to find an alternative placement for her.
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I hate to think you're crying 😢 but I know how hard it is.

My mom was in a facility but the rent went too high. Hubby said, "She can move in with us!" "Oh no", I said, " it won't work out." She lasted 3 months with us. We weren't getting along.

For the sake of your relationship, please don't move her in. You will regret it.
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Jules...sorry don't mean to be harsh but when they give you the two day notice contact them immediately and tell them flat you are not able to care for her and they need to look into other options such as skilled nursing. Be firm and if need be state it very strongly if they don't listen. Then call your Mom's doctor and tell him that they are trying to force you to take your Mom and that you are not able to care for her and there is no one else there who can. I would not ask what will happen if you don't take her....I would just flat state to them that you cannot. I did that when my honey kept talking about checking himself out or being released to home, and then was told by the nurses etc that he said it would be ok if they release him to home. I told them flat, I will not allow him to come home in the condition he is in as I cannot care for him and there is no one else here who can....period. They moved him to a skilled nursing center with rehab (he even thanked me afterward). With a broken knee this is what you Mom needs. Don't let them force you into taking her. I know you are an adult and can make your own decisions, but I remember what it was like with my honey from February until he went in the hospital in May (2018) . It was h***. Hang in there and stand your ground. Please keep us posted.
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Are you willing to lose your significant other because you can't say no to your mom?

She is manipulating the situation by telling social workers that she is coming to stay with you, are you willing to be manipulated every minute of everyday until she decides otherwise? Is it really fair to her, to let her come to your house knowing you are not able to care for her? Why is she not working on a solution to her problem? Because she knows she can push you around.

I hope you find the strength to preserve your life and tell her no.

I am not trying to hurt you, I just know you will regret it if you don't say no.

Are you willing to live in misery because she failed to plan?

Can you see a future for yourself with her as your live in parent, you and her and no one else because she has taken over your life?

This will sound harsh and maybe cruel, but, get a spine and stand up to your abusive mom if you want a life.
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Very great, insightful answers. I read them and I am encouraged to stay strong. But I Not sure I can. Country, yes, she was telling them she was coming Home with me, I told them on Thursday that was not the case. I did not tell them I wasn't taking her home, but rather what will they do if I don't take her home. I told them until she can get up and get to the bathroom I wouldn't be able to care for her. So I am expecting the two day notice tomorrow . And I still can't come to grips with what I am going to do. Even with all of your advice , and even knowing that I do not want to care for her, nor will be able deal with how I feel within ten minutes of being with her. All I want is for them to keep her until her knee is nearly healed, and I can get someone to get her upstairs to her apartment and get her some in home care. I am trying to get her on a waitlist to get approval to move her downstairs when something opens up but it may be months and months. I really wish I was in China or such and they had to make decisions without me. Adding to my misery, my significant other of 18 years and my mom do not get along at all, so I am always stressed. Thanks for listening, I'm going to go have another cry.
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Just mulling over the background a bit.

I wonder if the social worker is being quite as obtuse as she seems to be because your mother is constantly assuring her that staying with you will be fine, no problem, was always the plan blah blah blah. If your mother appears to be rational and states it as her wish and intention to stay in your home, if she even maybe overeggs it a bit and gives the impression that your home is "our" home, and given that your mother is the social worker's client, it might explain why Social Sally is really not getting the point.

Maybe it's time for some kind of very blunt, crystal clear "for the avoidance of doubt" communication. Start by finding out in detail exactly what your mother has been telling her, maybe.
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What would happen if you didn't exist? Or if you lived in China? Or if we're confined to a bed due to paralysis?

Your mother apparently now in need of full time care. She has Medicare and California's Medicaid. She is IN a bed in a facility that can care for her.

If the social worker continues to insist that you accept your mother into your home, take a "vacation". Stop visiting, block phone calls.

It's the nuclear option, but it IS an option .

Agree with CM, DON'T try to transport her anywhere on your own.

People who plan ahead live in single level homes with good handicap access a decade before that's a need. Others think "oh, I'll think about that tomorrow" or "I'll just go live with my kids".

Your mother's lack of planning does not equate to you giving up your livelihood.
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Don't put her in your car.

I know this sounds a touch paranoid, but what you must not allow - the line not to cross - is for your mother to be your responsibility at any point. At no time must she be in your control. When she is transported, it is done by a service which takes her from point A to point B and nothing else. If she's in your car and you get to point B and they say "sorry no room..." if you're an ambulance driver, you return her to point A. If you're you, you're well and truly stuck.

You wait 'til she's got there and settled in, then you turn up with flowers and a hug. But Do Not Pick Her Up, literally or metaphorically.
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Hi Jules...it sounds like she needs a rehab facility with skilled nursing rather than a nursing home. Talk to the hospital social services worker assigned to your mother's case. She if they can arrange this. Let them know you are not able to care for her in her current condition and there is no one at her apt to care for her.

Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.
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Mally that is exactly what I am afraid of ! I couldn't take it. I was just going to put her in my car and plop her back to her apartment as soon as I can get her approved for in home care service, maybe a month. But I will be hosed if they don't approve them. I'm so stressed. I'm weakening slightly because I hate the thought of her suffering in a sub par NH with just a broken Knee cap.
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Jules, several people here said don't even take your mom for a "week or two"; the six months we took mine wasn't good, for any of us, and stretched to 3 years, because we couldn't get her to leave; couldn't bring ourselves to evict my mom - how could we? Finally, her minister persuaded her to go back to the apt bldg she had lived in before, and now, 3-4 years later, we're pretty good friends again.... it wasn't worth it, though; wouldn't do it again.
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Jules...talk to her doctor and advise him/her firmly about the circumstances of where she lives (stairs etc..no one there to care for her) and very firmly advise that you are not able to care for her in the condition she is in! Say long, often and firmly that you are not able to care for her; and then stress it again not only to her doctor, social worker and anyone else that is involved in the decision as to where she goes after she is released. She may have to go to a skilled nursing facility where she can get the care and rehab that she needs. But based on what you have said...do not allow them to bullying you into taking her home. By the way Medicare will pay up to 20 days at 100% if ordered by a doctor (my understanding) and then from the 21st day on they pay at 80% (again my understanding).

When my honey was in the hospital with his edema and heart failure... I flat told the doctors, social workers, nurses etc that he could not come home until he was fully mobile and able to care for himself....period and stood by that all the way through. My honey was transferred to a skilled nursing facility where he received rehab. He dropped 74lbs, regained his mobility and was able to do for himself (except for his IV). He just came home a week ago yesterday. Yes I am his caregiver as I have been since his strokes 13 years ago, take care of changing his bags and batteries on his IV and have generally resumed the caregiving I have been doing for 13 years.

Hope this has helped a little. Hang in there and take care.
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Wow, thanks for all of the wonderful suggestions! Now to be strong enough to put into action!

"Are you willing to tell them that they need to get approval for her to stay or find her a safe place to be released to until she is self sufficient". YES
" and then walk away, no visits, no calls, no anything? This is tough but it may be what is needed to force them to do their jobs. " NO, probably not. Ask me in a couple days after she came home with me, the answer would be different I am sure.
Country, no I did not sigh anything saying I would undertake anything. Unless they had me sign something unknowningly.
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I have heard that facilities will put the patient in a cab and escort them to your front door!!!!
Do NOT answer the door!
They can't force you (legally) to care for her.

But they sure have some underhanded tactics.
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Refuse to be bullied, tell the so called social worker you will not take your mom, period. You DO NOT NEED TO GIVE A REASON, they do try to bully and guilt family so they don't have to do their job.

I am seething at this, I had a very similar situation but, I did not know anything or have any resources at that time, it took ten years off my life and aged me like 15 years. Si I get really ticked when I here someone else is going through the same crap.

As others have said, Not a safe release plan, unsafe release, you are not an option, PERIOD!

Are you willing to tell them that they need to get approval for her to stay or find her a safe place to be released to until she is self sufficient and then walk away, no visits, no calls, no anything? This is tough but it may be what is needed to force them to do their jobs.

Uugghh, the medical industry is so frustrating.

Stay firm and strong and do not let your mom come to your home at all.
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Social worker needs to call the doctor and get insurance approval for an extended stay.
That is plan ABC.

Under today's abbreviations for caregivers, I am assigning the social worker's ABC to:
"Another Bad Call".
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