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I recently took my mother into my home to care for her and she is very verbally and emotionally abusive. I am having a hard time. She has always been verbally, emotionally and early years, physically abusive. She needs assistance with things, but there are many things she can still do. Her doctor wants her to do them but she refuses. I don't know what else to do

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If your mother is not a "vulnerable" elder, then APS won't get involved.

It sounds as though she is mentally ill. Have you considered calling 911 and having her transported to the ER the next time she becomes abusive?

Admission to a psychiatric unit might result in meds that will improve her behavior so that she can be managed in an AL.
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The county is an assistance service, fraught with many problems so I wouldn't depend on them to totally care for your mother, especially one who is nasty & abusive. For your own wellbeing, back away from her, find her a place to live, possibly senior living. No one has the right to mistreat another, if you do not stand up and be counted it will continue to get worse.

She has showed you who she is...believe her stop trying to fool yourself into thinking that she is going to change...she won't.
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My abusive grandmother was kicked out of two different nursing homes because she was sexually harassing and verbally abusing the staff every day. The last thing you want to do with an individual like that is take them home to live with you. I would talk to a counselor or a therapist about your lingering feelings of duty and guilt. I feel like those duty and guilt feelings are the only thing keeping you in this untenable situation.
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It's not APS's 'job' to do anything for an elder who can do things for herself but CHOOSES not to. Elders w/o dementia are entitled to live however they WANT to live, w/o interference from APS telling them what they should or should not do!

Your mother was kicked out of her last place of residence due to her unacceptable behavior, you said in your comment below. You took her in b/c it was 'the right thing to do because she's your mother', knowing she's an abusive person and has behavioral issues as evidenced by getting kicked out of her last place of residence. Now you are having a hard time with her. What did you expect, given her past behaviors, and knowing what APS determined, and knowing she was asked to leave her prior place of residence? Did you think she'd turn over a new leaf living with you?

Your mother is capable of living alone b/c she is capable of caring for herself. I suggest you find her another place to live right away so you can get her out of your home and move on with your life. She's refusing to follow doctor's orders, is belligerent and abusive, so off she goes! There's nothing more you can 'do' for her b/c she refuses to allow you to do anything for her. That's the bottom line.

If she has money, she can go into Assisted Living. If not, she can go into an apartment building and hire caregivers to come in to help her with only the things she needs help with. That would be the best solution b/c she's got behavioral issues that prevent her from living in another situation where she can be asked to leave.

Good luck.
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Kick her the hell out of your house. I have no tolerance for abusers. Especially when the abuser has not changed.
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You say in your last sentence that you don't know what to do, but the answer is so very obvious to all of us reading your post. And that is that you need to get your mom out of your home ASAP.
Like BarbBrooklyn said below, why in the world would you take an abusive parent into your home, your safe place and sanctuary? It makes no sense, unless in some weird way you still feel like you deserve the abusive treatment that she gives you. No where is it written that just because someone is our mom that we are responsible to care for them as they age. Especially one that has abused us all our life. It's crazy!
I would suggest getting yourself some counseling to find out why you feel as you do that you need to be the one to care for your mom.
It doesn't sound like she has too many health issues,(according to your profile anyway so she would be a perfect fit for an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and be out of your hair.
And as long as you keep doing things for her she will have no reason to do them for herself, so stop NOW doing what you know she can do for herself.
You deserve better my dear. It's just a shame that you don't realize it yet. I'm hoping in time that you will come to that realization.
I wish you well.
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Find an AL for her, if she has been abusive to you in the past it will not get any better, she has showed you who she is, believe her.
You have done what you can, don't give up you for her.

This is a common story here, unfortunately. Read around, it may help you! Take care!
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I have to ask why you would take an abusive parent into your home?

I would advise returning her to her former place of residence and calling Adult Protective Services to tell them she needs help.
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gbab2022 Apr 2022
She had APS in the last place she was living. She was being kicked out of where she was living because of her behavior there. I took her in because I felt she is my mother and it is the right thing to do. I am in the process of getting services in my county for her. APS stated they were not able to do anything for her because she could care for herself but just doesn't want to. I feel that county just didn't want to do their job.
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