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You must choose your husband/marriage as a priority. This doesn't mean you don't love your Mother. You need to make a decision/change that initially will seem really hard and won't feel good, but it will do good for all involved. Please consider transitioning her into a good local facility where you can visit and help her all you want while preserving your relationship with your spouse.

As others have pointed out, it won't get better, especially if she becomes incontinent, says or does vulgar things, shadows, screams for help continuously, etc. Been there, done that. I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
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Lukas071 Sep 2023
Thank you for your thoughtful response . This was a fully mutual decision and both of us went into it knowing it may not work out even for the time she is capable of remaining in the home . I think he believed he could adapt to the role of caretaker but we have both accepted he cannot . We wanted to fulfill my mother’s desire to remain in her home as long as possible , and we do have paid support providers in the home 5 days a week, but it still leaves a lot of caretaking on our shoulders . While we work out a plan to relocate ourselves and a plan for mom long term, which will take a bit of time , I hoping my husband could find a way to control his palpable hostility towards my mother, while we figure this out , as it only adds to her agitation and confusion, and worse, leaves me feeling abandoned and unsupported .
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It is impossible, frankly, to live together when all are not in agreement. I cannot know what you and your husband discussed about all this BEFORE the move, but he may not be capable of 24/7 care. If he isn't then you are looking at placement for your Mom if you have a GOOD relationship worth KEEPING with your hubby. If not, then perhaps he will have to move on.

I am sorry, but you can't change others. We all have our limitations; apparently this is your husband's.
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These situations of living with a demented person rarely work out. It won’t get better.

Figure out what to do next. Taking care of mom is going to get harder, and your husband’s understanding will probably not grow. Is this worth losing your husband? Because that’s a possibility.
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"We moved in with mom 4 months ago. Mom has not responded well, has anosgnosia, and confused and agitated by our presence most of the time."
How's this arrangement working for you?

Stage 5 Dementia patients should be in MC. Why did you both decide to move in? I would guess to save rent money, be unpaid 24/7 caregivers, or both?

You aren't caught in any rock or hard place. Time to decide if your priority is your husband (and marriage vows you made), or your Stage 5 Dementia Mother, who you admit will "deny her offensive behaviors." This idea has already exploded in 4 months, and likely to get much worse. I cannot see convincing your husband of anything other than getting out. Sorry.
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Is anyone benefiting from your current arrangement? Is anyone thinking they are?
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I don't know if this will help but my daddy was the same way. He had ALZ and when I would take him to an appointment, this was before placing him in a facility, he would complain to strangers as how bad a daughter I was. I had to learn to ignore it, I told myself it was the disease - which it was. I know he loved me and I loved him. How was she before? Hopefully he can see that its the disease not her true personality. blessings to you and your family
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