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For those of you who look to the Bible for guidance, this is for you. For those who don't, you may not want to read any further.

Do you remember Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan who passed a man on the road from Jerusalem to Jericho who'd been beaten and robbed? Previous travelers had done nothing to help the victim.....

Luke 10:33-37 But a Samaritan while traveling came near him; and when he saw him, he was moved with pity. 34 He went to him and bandaged his wounds, having poured oil and wine on them. Then he put him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. 35 The next day he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said, ‘Take care of him; and when I come back, I will repay you whatever more you spend.’ 36 Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?” 37 He said, “The one who showed him mercy.” Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.”

The Samaritan bound up the beaten man's wounds and paid an innkeeper to provide further care. The Samaritan was deemed "good and merciful" whether he administered all the care himself or saw to it that someone else did.
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Jannner May 2019
Good point CantDance. I’m not sure if there are just an abnormally large amount of people here with abusive parents or if dementia makes the abuse so much more prevalent it reaches a breaking point but there is also a scripture that says “ If possible, as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable with all men” . (Romans 12:18) Sometimes, no matter how hard you try , it isn’t possible . We can only do as much as we can. We can’t change someone ‘s reaction to what we do.
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Get another caregiver for the one who plays the same game of what you 'should' do.  Did you hear her say it, or did mom say she did?  I love the statement "Don't should on me."  You've done your duty.  Before you burn out or reinjure your back find a good nursing home and put her on the wait list.  I know, easy for me to say, but I did burn out.  I'm sorry you have to hear such negativity while you care for her.  Guilt is a control issue.  HUGS!  You are worth taking care of yourself.

By the way, Assisted Living is not covered by Medicare, and possibly not Medicaid.
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jacobsonbob May 2019
I've never heard that statement before--it's a good one that's worth remembering. Thanks!
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It is a tough situation to be in. Yes, she needs to go out a few days a week, could someone else take her out, even to a park on a nice day to sit in fresh air or a stroll in a nice neighborhood. It is tough on both of you, and the guilt is manipulation and should not be felt by you. Can you see someone about resolving guilt so that you are not manipulated? Also, at her age, she has very little time to go. It might be that getting some extra help, and seeing to it that you spend some kind of quality time with her is good for you after she passes as well. We all want to remember the parents as being of value to us in some aspect and to feel that we did the best we could. You are doing that now, yet, you must at some level feel that she does need to be going out or the comment by the help, would not have irked you. You have to ween yourself off of her too as once she is gone you will begrudge not having had a life of your own for more than 10 years. What if she lives to be 99 or 100. This too is a consideration, will you want to have had that much on your shoulders? Parents are supposedly to prepare for their own futures not rely on children to be their nursemaids. Yes, it is nice if you have a child who likes you and visits a few times a week. I heard of a woman who was so dutiful in her care of her mother, never had help, lived with her mother, and did it with all of her heart, to the point that when her mother passed, she keeled over shortly thereafter. So self-care, self-reliance, self-focus is not selfish. Self-sacrifice, is a little insane. There are day programs that socialize seniors with dementias, like a day care of elderly people in some cities, hopefully she will qualify for some thing like that and it is available, they go out on day trips at times and provide a low client to service provider ratio so as to help with bathroom assistance for each client. She could go a few days a week, they will come pick her up, and the cost is usually not that bad. Hopefully such a program is available to you.
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Unfortunately . . . although it is not easy to accept . . . dementia lets the truth out. By truth I mean the thoughts of those afflicted. It will break down the lies of kindness. Their real thoughts will begin to come out. Thoughts that they have kept buried for decades will hit you like a slap in the face. Sometimes things don't stay hidden and when dementia is involved it will not get better. I would advise that you get the paperwork needed for admission into a nursing home together as soon as possible. There will come a point at which you physically can no longer take care of your mother. She will need 24/7 care and, depending on her financial situation she could easily qualify for Medicaid but you have to start now. When the decline comes, considering her age, it will come quickly and it is better to be prepared.

By the way, if you get to that point at which your mother goes into a nursing home there will most likely be a feeling of euphoria. Don't feel to bad about this. It is natural. It does not make you a bad person. The euphoria will pass and you can begin to pick up the pieces.

Good luck.
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