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Cher,
You are understandably in fear of him. Your description of him makes him sound like a bully, as well as all the other issues. Thinking he is ill and cannot help himself will leave you on thin ice f o r e v e r, waiting, cowering, making yourself sick.

If you are doing the finances (and paying the bills), you need to secure 1/2 of the $112 k in a separate account under your control. He is a bully who has pulled the wool over your eyes, and does not have a way to back up his threats to you, imo.
Securing 1/2 of assets is not stealing from him. His claiming what is his that belongs to your mother is just c r a z y talk.

This is an accurate description of your budget, and he doesn't know how to pay bills?
"The $20 I've been saving up since July for my hair cut."
" Hope he doesn't spend a lot on one. He's calling for estimates on rewiring house, remodeling kitchen & bath. Wants to buy a camper. We can't afford it at all."
" He doesn't know how to pay the bills or even what is owed & refused to learn."

First, due to the fear and anxiety he is causing you, you may have a "victim" mentality. It is just not accurate that you would have to offer your haircut money to him. Once you become detached more from his control, you will be able to more readily identify your own participation in this dysfunctional marriage.
You may help yourself if you start to view the budget for personal items (haircut, vape) as was told to me: If he spends x amount, you get the same x amount.
(Marital counseling had helped me see this).

Another note: Legal aid will not be able to assist you due to the assets of your marriage, imo.

The skipped heart beats will subside when you are under less stress.
Have you considered marriage counseling (for you if he will not go)??
It may put a delay fuse on the impending crisis.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I've considered but, again, finances say no. I do save for things like hair cuts. I've cut our grocery bill down as far as possible and shop on senior discount days after 3 pm because that is when they mark down the meats, milks, etc that have the sell by date of the day I go. I also go once a month to the food bank for fresh produce and basic staples. I worked at one as a volunteer for several years while the kids and grandkids were in school and they joined me when summer came around.

I was so frustrated about 2 years ago with his constant cigarette purchases that I asked how much a pack cost. $5.20 at that time. I took 20 cents and flushed it down the toilet in front of him. He wasn't happy. Then, I took $5 and rolled it up and lit it. He tried to get it to put it out saying I was crazy to burn money. I asked what he was doing and he denied he burned money, just cigarettes.
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Cher,
A "safe haven" from your husband as the doctor recommended, could be in part your own bedroom with a lock on it.

Trying this approach could unbalance his power over you. It can help him realize he could be losing you, and will need to adjust his behaviors if it is at all possible for him to do.

Don't wait, imo, for the results of evaluations for him, medications, etc. You need to take action on your own behalf right now, before this escalates.
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Your social security income:
It is a crime to take a person's SS income, SSDI, or SSI and use it for anyone other than the beneficiary. You are the beneficiary.

You are both retired. Your husband could be fully supporting you. Instead of you paying from your income for his truck. You could, get a rep-payee for your SS income (now) who would be required by law to use the money for you, and pay off your car in full sooner. Someone should have eyes on your money, and manage at least this small amount on your behalf. It could be a trusted family member, not under the influence of your husband. Go to the SS local office with this person, choose wisely.

I do not have the entire picture of your finances, whether they are separate, combined, or even if you have assets from your family (mother's property) to be inherited. An inheritance is separate community property, just yours unless you co-mingle those funds with his. See an attorney.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
It's all been paid for by us. Nothing inherited but a sewing maching, canner and 2 dolls. My car has -0- interest because of our credit and a repeat customer. It will be paid off in May. I've been paying super large payments on credit cards that we use for gas, meds and his tobacco even though I asked him not to charge tobacco. I hope to have them paid for just after new years. I am not sure how the insurance will cover his tests. I do know it has nearly a $7000 out of pocket expense. And none has been met.
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as the man of the household, your husband needs to be honored and obeyed.
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Riverdale Nov 2018
What century are you living in?
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This is a complex situation to be sure! First off one always needs to ask “ Am I safe”? Take a partner in your adult children. Identify a safe room, get a go bag together with essential items in case you should have to leave suddenly. Have a flashlight and water stored in your car and keep an extra set of keys well hidden. If you need to go then you go!

Dementia has so many faces it’s dofficult to know what’s going on. If he’s always been a touch of an abuser then expect that to be worse. Post surgery can leave someone with anesthesia induced psychosis and varrying other issues. If he was catherized he could have a UTI. UTI is the most common cause of a wrongful diagnosis for Dementia. I’d get the doctor to do a urinalysis ASAP.

Behaviors associated with any cognitive decline can include violence and verbal abuse or sometimes a person just levels up on their original disgusting behavior. Only you know.

Your social security is t enough to survive. You have legal rights. Make it a point to educate yourself by contacting an elder law attorney. You’d be entitled to some of his social security and pension either way. You’ll need a full financial picture because if he does have Dementia his care will bankrupt you both. There are ways to protect your assets by getting him into long term skilled care. The way you describe him makes me think he is sundowning, getting worse at sunset or evening.

peotecting yourself with the county is an excellent starting point. Always remember if someone’s behavior is a threat to themselves or others then that’s not ok!! Personally the next time he ramps up I’d Baker act him on a 72 hour hold and get a restraining order which will remove him from the home. You’d need to protect any liquid assets prior to something even worthy happening so get legal counsel ! Inform the kids! Last thing anyone needs is to flip the switch and decide it’s you.

Good luck ! Sending you light and love!
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I went up to the bank and the savings company and spoke with them about how things are going. Luckily, people he knows works at both and have received word of mouth about how he is changing. I made darned sure he can't empty the accounts without my say so. Also made arrangements to be notified if he tried. Next step, elderly lawyer and some type of long term insurance on him.
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I know you feel like there is no good solution. But you are a human being with rights to be treated kindly and civilly.

You are a believer, is or was he? Scripture tells men to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

Here is the thing, you are entitled to 1/2 of everything acquired during the marriage, doesn't matter how it was paid for.

If you are truly frightened that he will harm you, you need to file a police report that states he is threatening your life. You can go to the police station and do this, they will offer you some one to talk to that can guide you to all your options. Please utilize the services available, yours wouldn't be the 1st time they have dealt with a psychopath that everyone else thinks is the cats meow and they terrorize their spouse. Classical behavior, law enforcement will understand that he will try to turn the table, get as much proof recorded as possible.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with so many health issues, abuse can make us so very sick. Fear and stress eat our human bodies from the inside out. You are scared, and that is okay, but you can do this, you can take back the power you have given him over you. It will not be easy but you are worth it, our Heavenly Father does not want His children to suffer. Many here are praying for you and we will all believe with you that things will get better for you very soon. Whatever it takes.

Hugs and love to you.
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It's really hard to know the situation after reading only a few paragraphs. Normally, I would say that your husband has dementia and that you shouldn't take his words personally. You should protect yourself but not walk away when he's in need.

However, in your case, it sounds like your husband wants to end the marriage. It can be difficult to believe that someone can stop loving their spouse after being married to them for so long, but it happens. I'd talk to you kids to see what their take is on it. They have a closer relationship to you and your husband than any of us on this forum do. Do your children think Dad just has dementia, or do they think he's aware of what he's doing and wants a divorce? Love can grow and deepen and it can also diminish and break apart. I'm not a lawyer, so I can't tell you what to do. But if I were worried that my husband was going to waste all of our money, then I would open a bank account in my name only and move my money into it. I would also have one of my kids get POA to protect his money if he were wasting it due to dementia. And if I were scared that my husband might hurt me, then I'd move in with one of my children until things got resolved (e.g. the house got sold and monies distributed).
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
The kids are seeing it too. My dil is a nurse and works with the elderly at a rehab center/home and went thru this with her mom not to long ago. I asked her over a year ago if she had noticed a change in him and she replied yes. Said he is showing the beginning signs of dementia. It has gotten so much worse since then. The kids are the ones who helped me get him to set up an appt with the geriatric/neurologist in Dec. One of them will be going with us to that appt. I have been logging things that are showing up and occuring and plan to give them to the Dr. when he signs in.
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im Truly sorry for your difficult situation because it sounds similar to my mother... and my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. May I ask has he been tested for it?

i can’t blame you for hiding the gun; my mother also loves those shows so you are faced with some really hard choices because of it...for your own physical health and his.

the living in the past is their long term memory; everything short term is crumbling. My mother’s mood would rocket from zero to 100 in seconds, then deny all the bizarre hurtful things that were said.

outside of developing an incredibly thick skin for the tornado of words they heap on someone, it may be time to talk to the family as to what care can be administered - because the family has to come to grips with what’s happening and that’s hard to do. If you can’t get him to a doctor, perhaps an assessment can be made though adult services in your area- I’d recommend checking it out. But you’re neither crazy or anything else being hurled at you - you are in the grip of someone’s illness after 50plus years of marriage to them like my parents - care for yourself accordingly. ❤️
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
He has tests coming up Dec 21st. I have been thru a barrage of tests just to make sure it isn't me seeing things wrong. Short term memory due to age is all they have found. Dr. says he is astounded my mind is as sharp as it is because I have had so many grand mal seizures. I try doing mind exercises daily. They do work.
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I'm no expert, but I think there is more to this situation besides the dementia. Was your husband abusive/aggressive before his accident? Either way, your safety has to be the number one priority. Follow your doctor's advice if not ours and establish that safe haven and go.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
No, he has always said for me to take care of whatever needs done. He never wanted to be involved in anything unless it had to do with our children then grandkids. Kids love him or at least most of them do. However, a couple are beginning to see some of his dark side in the past few months.
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I have a simple question. Why on earth would you even consider putting up with his abuse? Short of killing him (well, no, I couldn't do that), if he kept this up and got worse, I would REMOVE HIM from your environment at once. If you do not do that, he will DESTROY Y O U. You do not deserve that and should not, under any circumstances allow it or put up with it. He is digging his own grave. See if his doctor can medicate him to "calm" him down. If not, start figuring out where to put him - he CANNOT STAY AROUND YOU. No one deserves this, no matter who they are or were. No way!
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
Going to the Dr. asap next week. He's been a bit calm this week but, the kids have taken him to their homes a few times and I've been able to relax some. I have been looking for an apartment or room to rent. And talking to a counselor.
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Cherokeewaha, it's hard to tell exactly what's going on without being there. But it sounds like:

1) Your husband loved you once, a long time ago.
2) Over time, he stopped loving you and started looking for sex elsewhere.
3) He was able to continue living with you when he wasn't with you all day long.
4) Now that he's home all day, he just wants you to go away.
5) He's told you flat out that he wants you to leave.
7) He's trying to get you to leave by being mean to you.
6) He has even threatened you to get you to leave.
7) Yet you refuse to leave.
8) You keep staying because you love him and have worked so hard for the relationship to work.
9) You keep staying because you remember the love the two of you once had and think you can have it again.
10) You keep staying because you can't understand how he is able to not love you anymore.
11) You are scared because you lack money.

If so, I've been there. It was very difficult to leave. But since then, I've met and married someone else. Someone far better. Someone who loves me and treats me so well, so much better than my previous husband.
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Your story is so heartbreaking! I have posted this before and I will post it ad infinitum until SOMEBODY listens. There has to be some kind of correlation between YOUR tumors and your ".normal" memory loss. And I will bet that if ur Dr. Did a CAT SCAN of ur husband he would find some kind of tumor(s). I don't have time to post my whole story. See my previous posts under Alzheimer's and Dementia. God bless u for bearing the burden u have already borne!
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KARSTEN's 1st post about the OP's husband 'being the man of the house, etc.' was meant to be funny, but it didn't come out right, not in words. He already apologized in his 2nd post.

Please stop berating him.

Karsten, please give up your dream of becoming a stand up comedian. : )
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I cannot for the life of me understand how anyone, regardless of who they are, whatever will tolerate such abuse. There is nothing to say except that anyone who allows such horror in their lives must remove themselves from the perpetrator. I don't care if that person is sick, old, senile, etc. - they have NO right to treat people badly. Get the law and any help you can find on your side and get out of this relationship at once. There is help available - you just have to seek it out and then take appropriate action. I truly believe that no one has the right to torment and treat someone so badly. Do it now. Don't wait or you will be destroyed.
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You're not alone. Welcome to the journey many of us are on. Despite your situation, it sounds like you're ready to do something positive for yourself. Hooray. Took me 10 years of suffering in silence / walking on eggshells and another 6 years in therapy to realize I wasn't powerless in my relationship.

Tons of good advice here. Indeed, your safety comes 1st. IF domestic violence (DV) erupts, police usually have to arrest the batterer, e.g., your husband. If your husband calls cops, lies and tells them YOU hit HIM, they have to arrest you!! In most DV cases, someone is likely to spend the night in jail. (Some states give cops a little more leeway.)

But there IS good news. Get yourself to local police and file a "preemptive" domestic violence (DV) report. Cops actually appreciate this. It doesn't change what law requires police to do with reported DV, but it helps next morning when accused is arraigned. The judge will have copy of preemptive report so he or she knows in advance about possible dementia with a potential for violence -- or a false accusation of violence -- since before the incident. Gives judge valuable info on whether to commit your husband for psychiatric hold or dismiss (false) charges against you.

It's also critical you get to an Elder Care lawyer. (Worry about paying for it later.) They know about all options available whether about your safety or separating and securing your assets and half of marital assets. No need to be embarrassed. They've heard it all before, and worse. Best $$ you'll ever spend. Side benefit, it might save a lot on taxes and other fees in the future.
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Get out. U can’t change anyone but yourself and I can’t pray a person will. Hangs just so u can live in peace. It doesn’t work that way .. surely u can find a friend or relative go stay with before it’s too late for you... praying for you
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Riverdale Dec 2018
I wish we knew if anything has changed. It is so hard to hear these stories and then hear nothing. I would hope the offspring of this couple might offer some relief. I am very familiar with bad behavior of others to my husband and I. Some ridiculous bogus lawsuits we have endured and continue to. We try to live a simple decent life but run into some bad people. I am fortunate though that it doesn't occur within the family. Things are not always rosy but not a horror story. This story is just so awful.
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You ask why you should not walk away from an abusive partner. Well, my question is this: Why on earth would you NOT walk away. I have learned the hard way that when there is abuse, disrespect and all the nasty things that go with them, you should NOT ever, ever put up with what is happening. Do whatever you can to find workable solutions to end this but sometimes illness or personalities or whatever makes that impossible. Do NOT be a fool - no one, under any circumstances should ever allow that and if means you move on, then for God's sake, do it and don't look back. These people will destroy YOU and I don't believe that should ever be allowed to happen. Do whatever it takes - now.
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His mood has become better. He was definitely diagnosed with severe depression and his mood meds doubled and then another one added also. He still denies anything is wrong. I spoke with the psychiatrist as did our daughter who takes no ones side and is very straight forward about the issues. I will speak with her again in a couple of weeks because she told us one thing and he is saying she told him another. I want to know who to believe. If she told him what he said she did, she will be reported to the medical board for encouraging a patient to hide/lock accounts, hide guns, continue to live in the past, etc. This isn't something I feel is correct or appropriate. He said he told her some of the things he's done to keep stuff hid and she told him she would have done the same thing if it was her. That is wrong. She is supposed to be helping him face reality. He isn't threatening me any longer. I let it be known it wasn't going to be tolerated any longer and let the kids know too.
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Tothill Feb 2019
Cherokeewaha, wow, I did not see your update about your own health issues and losing your mother until today. I hope you are able to recover from your own health concerns.

Thank goodness he is no longer threatening you.

Perhaps the doctor was trying to get your husband to open up, to see what he is thinking and feeling, not agreeing with his behaviour. He may interpret it as getting the green light, but I think it unlikely that she was.

More along the lines of "I can understand why you thought you needed to hide money and weapons..." That does not mean she agrees with it.

Are you able to get any counselling? Just for yourself, to support you through your health problems and the challenges of dealing with your husband.
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