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Dear Cherokee. My heart aches for you. You need to take the time to take care of yourself and get away from the oppressive situation long enough to clear your head. If you could visit with a relative or friend for a weekend and seek counseling, that would be good. You need to get it on record with your doctor, counselor, etc. what you are going through. You can visit Legal Aid and get some counsel.
It's clear that your husband has gotten worse, not better, over the years. He does need an evaluation and help, but so do you. What you are enduring is not healthy or safe, and it needs to improve. You've received lots of helpful advice and need to consider your options and what is best for you for your future. I wish you the best!
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Cherokeewaha, Im so glad you got the opportunity to speak with a councilor. Were any of the options they suggested doable for you? Hopefully they also put you in touch with a legal aid lawyer that you can consult for your legal obligations (if any) regarding his bills.
What was your sons take on the day he spent with him? If he thought it was fine, ask him to do it more often, but also I hope you told him that within an hour he had turned on you again. You may want to play a recording for him. And again, if you feel at all threatened call your son and 911 so there’s a record and intervention.
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OMG. What a nightmare you're living in.

If you want to help him and help yourself, then stop taking care of him. Stay out of his way. Don't remind him to take his meds. Don't cook or clean for him. Let him fall flat on his face (figuratively), so that he will have a health crisis, and be taken to the hospital. From there, get him admitted to a facility where they can medicate him for his aggression. Do not take him back home. He belongs in an institution for his safety and everyone else's.
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Bornagain Nov 2018
What type of institution is available nowdays? I had to leave my husband of 32 yrs. Because he is bipolar/depressive . In full blown psychotic mania for 10 mo. I had to eventually leave for my safety and protection. He has been either manic or in depression for the last 5 yrs. Never balanced. I am concerned for him and his ability to care for himself.
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Have you thought about calling a women crisis hotline? You can google it. They can help you make a plan on how to leave.

Just another thought!
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Sounds like he needs a mommy, not a wife. You’re done being mommy to everyone. Get a life for yourself and leave abusive “husband” to fend for himself. This can only get worse. He definitely declined after surgery & not being able to work. He seems very controlling & I , myself, couldn’t deal w a controlling “man”. Do self improvement & make plans to leave him. Life too short...don’t waste it. You should’ve left him after the prostitutes. 🤗 hugs
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First, sending waves of sympathy to enfold you.
Next, whether or not he has dementia, he is demonstrating symptoms of SIGNIFICANT innapropriate and hostile behavior, so from YOUR point of you, it could be time to start making “either/or” decisions.
The first decision of that type would seem to me to be “Am I safe or unsafe living under the same roof with this person, given his threats and overt negative behavior?” If, as you sound, you are feeling unsafe in your own home, you MUST contact legal help (Legal Aid if necessary) and document his recent conduct. You must do this now.

THEN, if you feel that you may be a potential target of physical harm (the psychological harm is taking place already) you need someone to know, right now. If you have a local Woman’s Center, contact them. Contact a clergy person, ask for a referral for psychological counseling FOR YOURSELF from one of your medical doctors, speak to someone in the Office of the Aging. Do this right now, not a week from now, TODAY.

NEXT, your children NEED TO KNOW. Address this as a problem, and prepare a list of BEHAVIORS that concern you. Try hard to avoid emotion when making this list. “He raises his voice in an angry hostile tone”, NOT “He yells at me and makes me cry”.

He is reacting to something in a way that is not

productive for you, but it also sounds as though he is miserable himself. Unfortunately some people become enraged when they are depressed or anxious. If this is the case, the next type of diagnosis is psychological/psychiatric. Is there ANYONE, family or otherwise, to whom he will listen if concern is extended towards him concerning how he FEELS about his recent problems?
You will need to have someone else become aware of his behaviors in order to help yourself.
You are NOT POWERLESS. You MUST begin to advocate for your life. You sound like someone who needs the help of kind people who will listen to you. If you seek them out, they are out there, just as helpful and concerned people are here.

Take a FIRST STEP, however small you make think it is, to address this difficult situation TODAY. Look up potential help sites on line, look up Woman’s Crisis Center, Office of the Aging, find sources for getting help, make notes and keep them with you. One step forward will give you comfort and courage. Fondest thoughts-.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I talked to my son yesterday and he came today and picked his dad up this morning and kept him with him as he checked on roads (he works for county), that needs repairs. Then he took him to lunch and shopping and delivered him back at 5 pm. It was a peaceful day and I spoke with a counselor regarding my options. He was home about an hour and did the about face because I didn't hear him say something and I was 5' from him. He whispers, mumbles and I've got taped proof if I need it of how he talks to me versus how he speaks to others so he can be heard. I was accused of ruining his great day & of lying when I said I didn't hear him tell me what he said. Then he informed me if I didn't straighten up, after the first of the year, he was gone. I almost shouted yes!! But, I am so worried about how I'm supposed to pay for all his dr bills he will leave and the other bills he's helped raise. He has told me he's taking his stuff and I can take care of the rest. (That's everything in and out of the house, including the house except my doll collection & clothes). I only get $450 a month SS. He kept after me to file for it asap when I was first eligible. Now, he gets angry because I don't draw enough. Should I sneak out and change the accounts so he can't drain them? I bought him a new truck in 2013 and paid for it with my SS and he now says everything in the account is his since I used up mine. I still get monthly deposits. My car will be paid for in 6 months and that will help me. His meds are expensive since he has glaucoma and is blind in one eye. He even wants to go to my moms home and get some of the yard tools, washer/dryer, etc and sell them!! He says he deserves them since he mowed the yard about 3 times (with my help). I hid the keys to her property. I will not steal from her or him. We have less than $112K left in our retirement/savings after some mega medical bills. And he has had to replace one hearing aid because he wears them in the rain without a hood. They short out. I have been taking care of him since I was 14 and then taking on all responsibilities of wife, mother, maid, cook, financial, full time job since I was 16. He hasn't been interested in anything to do with the home over the years and left it all up to me. Until he retired! Now it's his and to be run his way. He forgets what needs done, how to do it, and even makes me do 99% of the driving now. He gets lost easily too. It's hard to just stop and leave someone I love very much and everything I've worked for.
Everyone of you have given me more help and care than I've had in a long time and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I am definitely looking into many of the options. God Bless all of you.
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He's "lost" due to losing his job. It's a big adjustment for some when they give up something they have done for so many years. It's not right he's taking his frustrations out on you.

You need to decide if you want to "ride it out" and see if the situation improves or get out of the relationship yourself.
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It probably depends on your state but our state has a lot of help for women who need to escape abusive relationships. Counseling, housing, money to get started in a new apartment, donated furnishings...lots of help. Someone I knew of left her husband with 25 cents in her pocket! If you ask your primary care physician, most of them also have literature on programs for you if you don't feel safe at home.

I would rather happily live in a studio apartment, quietly watching my Hallmark movies than with a person who wants me to leave. Best of luck to you!
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My heart just breaks for you.

PLEASE get some help. I don't think you should get kids involved in their marriage, but this is an emergency, your kids might think your being a little dramatic, or they may feel that they have to take sides. Assure them that they can love him, but you need their help. Do what Ahmijoy says. Get in their faces if you have to. You need some support.

He clearly does not want you there. If he doesn't want your help and is threatening you than all bets are off when it comes to your marriage. Some people can not be helped.

Do me a favour if your cell phone has apps download Robin Mc Graw abuse app. This app looks like a game app. But you can preprogram it to call one of your kids or 911 with a message like, "I am in danger and need help". Plus, it has a tracking device in it in case your husband relocate you so the police can find you. And it records what is going on in the room. The app should be in the app store, if not, Look up Georgia Smile or Robin Mc Graw.
It has saved so many women's lives.

You need to get out or get him out. No one should live this way. You deserve better.

May God protect and guide you through this very difficult time in your life. I believe Heavenly Father that You are able and willing to shield this woman from harm in Your son's name Jesus. Amen

If you believe say, Amen

Please keep us informed. We do care.
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cherokeewaha Nov 2018
I definitely believe. AMEN!
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I have to add to my earlier post. I missed this in your question. I have to ask, WHY would you want to keep from walking away from him? Are you concerned about someone disapproving and accusing you of abandoning him? We are long married as well, but if my husband turned into the raging monster your husband has, I’d not be as concerned about anyone’s opinions and either he would go or I would. You can’t possibly be worried for his welfare. If you are, your worry is misplaced and you should be more worried about your own.

Get in your kids faces and tell them that by their unwillingness to truly help, your inevitable fate is going to be on their conscience. If something happens to you, care for their dad is also going to be on them...unless he is in prison. And wouldn’t that be a blot on the family name.

Before you act, consult with an attorney to see where you stand. Plan things out and then GET OUT.
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Your husband wants you to leave and has made not-so-subtle threats of the "perfect murder". Are you waiting for him to try it? You do not owe him your life. You have many serious health issues yourself. Call a women's hotline and see what resources are available to you in your area.
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shad250 Nov 2018
Exactly Dateline has had episodes similar to this.
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Make efforts fo move him to the town where he was born.
Then do not go with him.
Maybe they have assisted living there, and he could qualify for help.

You move near your own family.
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He asked you to leave. And I would. Can you visit your kids for a week or so, just to get away from him? Tell your kids you need to find a safe place. They don’t want to get involved, it at least they could help you find help. Or they afraid of him too? I don’t care if I had to live in a woman’s shelter, I wouldn’t be in that house with him. If he gets violent call 911.
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Cherokee, I think it’s a matter of acceptance on your part. Have you plainly explained to your children just how consumed with anger their father is,and that you take the brunt of It? Your husband is beyond reasoning with as one would with a person in full control of their faculties, which your husband is not. He needs to be hospitalized and evaluated. Nothing will change for the better until he is.

And please give the guns in your home to your son before you wind up on the wrong end of one.
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Your husband's year got off to a bad start and went downhill from there. His reaction to his accident and his employer's (pretty sucky) attitude, the way he has dealt with his worries, has made everything a lot worse.

None of it is your fault. You didn't put him in pain, you didn't force him out of a job, you did none of the things that have made him so angry and hurt and despairing.

After such a long marriage I'd hate to see you robbed of it. But can you at least get a break from it? What about that safe haven your doctors wanted you to think about?

Your husband needs help, and he's not accepting anything you can do for him. I just wonder if staying away for a fixed time might wake him up a bit.

it would also be nice if you could get a rest from being kicked every time he's upset with somebody else :(

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry this has happened. Please keep in touch with us.
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JoAnn29 Nov 2018
CM, the man is 74, past the retirement age here in the states. I have friends waiting till 70 but 74 is pushing it. His employer may have seen signs and the accident was a way of forcing his retirement. Companies used to have mandatory retirement, usually 65. But laws now forbid that. So, what companies have to do if a log time employee won't retire and shows signs of mental decline, they have to have the employee evaluated to show the employee is no longer capable of doing their job. This man's employer is probably using the Family leave/disability act in their favor. You don't have to hold a person's job after a certain length of time. We also have state laws where you can be fired with no explanation why.

In the US each state is allowed to make its own laws so there isn't any conformity between states.
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This sounds like an unbearable living environment for you. You should not be sharing a house with this man, no matter how long you have been married. You have nowhere to go, so he is the one who should be leaving. There may be ways to make this happen.

First, if he goes to hospital again, refuse to take him back again. He is planning the perfect murder, and the most likely victim is you. His verbal abuse probably includes threats of violence. You cannot provide a safe environment for him or for yourself. See the social worker as soon as he is admitted – and don’t let them just take them into an ‘observation’ option rather than full on admission, or persuade you to take him back 'on trial'.

Second, contact your local licensing authority to get his driving licence revoked. He is not a safe driver. Third, consider getting his credit cards revoked. Inform the providers that he has no funds to meet the obligations he intends to take on. Last, consider applying for guardianship – I assume he won’t give you a financial or general POA. And protect yourself (even by moving out) to avoid the backlash from these things.

If you have a local non-profit that provides advice for women suffering abuse, go to it and get help with all these things. Women really do get murdered in these circumstances.

Talk all these options through with ‘the kids’. You need them on your side, so ask for their advice, take it when you can, tell them that you have taken it and thank them for their help. If they want to gloss over the problems, tell them to think about where they stand if your husband murders you and ends up in jail because of it.

Please explore your options while you are still alive!
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JoAnn29 Nov 2018
Guardianship costs a lot of money, which looks like she doesn't have.

Your husband should be on Meds for his problems. His threats could become real. A dementia person can no longer reason. Their reality is not ours. If he becomes violent, and I mean one smack, call the police and have him taken out of the home. Request he be taken for a 72hr eval because he has been threatening you and he shows signs of Dementia. Once the eval is done hopefully he will be kept at the facility until they find the correct meds. Tell them he cannot return home because with you health problems you can no longer care for him. If you have no POA then let the state take over. You will not be left impoverished. Hopefully u can get Medicaid to cover his care.
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Thank you. The kids don't want to get involved but our son and dil finally talked to him and convinced him to see a geriatric doctor. He can't start anything and finish it at all. He asked me earlier tonight if I would do him a favor. I asked what he needed and he said LEAVE! I said no way, someone had to take care of him. He was angry because I wanted to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. He told me I took it as what I wanted life to be and it was a fairy tale. Maybe it is but, it is so nice to smile and laugh instead of crying. I went to the back to watch it while it ranted and griped at me from the living room.
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Cherokee,
I am so sorry for your situation. It definitely cannot be a pleasant environment, nor secure for you. I am sorry I do not have any advice, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know someone is here, and I care. You are a valuable person and I hope that you are able to get the answers and solutions that you need. I know there will be others that respond with valuable advice.
May God help you.
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