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If he were to bring a woman here from another country, he would be financially responsible for her for 10 years, no matter if the marriage lasted or not, 10 YEARS!

There is no way in hell I would let her come to live in your home, and he needs to go live on his own, no if, ands or buts! It's time to put your foot down as head of this family,

Set a date, help him to find a Senior apartment and DO IT!
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LeoNine9 Jan 2019
Absolutely correct.
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JStatus, would your wife agree to marriage counseling? As you say, now she's her dad's wife, not yours. If she won't, I would see a lawyer to see what your options are. It would be horrible if you somehow are on the hook to keep supporting this guy.
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JStatus Jan 2019
I am going to try...I am going to be finishing up my PhD in about 18 months and will likely get a well-paying job which will mean that she won't have to work. However, I refuse to support her father and encouraging him to become even more dependent. My stance is that when I'm done with school, he goes to a home or to live with her brother who has no kids and a huge house (who has offered no help).
I won't let myself be on the hook if I have anything to say about it.
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You really need to have a heart to heart with your help mate. What is important to her...
Dad, children, husband, freedom, sanctuary, security... etc.
Bring up the fact that if FIL is part of the family and that the family works together. If FIL wants to marry this person then he must leave the family and find his own place.

P.S.
I believe it is illegal to marry a person to keep them in the country. My experience... once married and she is free and cleared... she will leave him after taking his money... seen it done... twice. Just sayin'
blessings
hgn
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JStatus Jan 2019
Thank you. I agree! He kind of mentioned it as an idea to me and I said absolutely not. I thought it was done there and that he never agreed to anything. The truth was that when he brought it up to me, he had already said yes to the woman. My wife found this out when she overheard the phone call. Yet, she gets angry with me for 'nitpicking' and I just dont see it that way.
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Your father in law cannot move a stranger into his room 'without telling his daughter'.....the moment the two of them walk in the door the jig is up!! That is 100% unacceptable, period, and you'll have to put your foot down to BOTH your wife & her father. Maybe then your wife will become willing to talk to you about this horrendous situation, and stop allowing unfounded guilt to drive her decisions. It sounds like she needs counseling to get through her guilt & grief over her mom's passing. But in the meanwhile, YOU make some rules, set some boundaries, and don't allow either of them a choice. Appeal to your wife as a mother, reminding her of the dysfunctional situation she's putting the CHILDREN in. So much easier said than done, huh? :(

Good luck to you!
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JStatus Jan 2019
I was kind of hoping he would do it because then my wife would tell him to leave. He has options, but he won't exercise those options because my wofe is his new wife basically.
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I needed to read your profile to go on with my post. But you have none.

How old is FIL? Why is he living with you? Dementia, health reasons? I ask because it will have a lot to do with how we respond.

You may want to find out who this woman is. How did he meet her, on line? Red Flag! You need to find out her status here. Greencard, Visa?
She may be agreeing with all this because she is trying to scam Dad. Next, she'll be asking for money to fly her out but never come. Or claim she needs help paying a bill, buying food. If FIL in his right mind, its going to be hard for you to keep him from sending the money. If you think this is what is happening, see if there is someone who can talk to Dad and explain to him what is going on. I doubt if he will believe you. After the death of his wife, he became vulnerable. He may not realize what this woman is doing. Is she even in the states if this is a online thing. Is he calling her on ur landline? Maybe you can block her or visa versa.

This is your home too. You have the right to tell FIL that he needs to carry his weight. I see no problem in him paying you rent. You don't have to use it. Put it in a bank account for when you need it to help with his care down the line.
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JStatus Jan 2019
Thank you. I updated it. I am a married man with 3 children (12, 10, 7) who are losing their mom because of her need to save her dad. He is playing the helpless role well to the point where he won't write his own checks, read his mail, make his doctor appointments, etc. He is in perfect health and has been told this by a number of doctors. At this point, he is not moving this woman in and won't because I won't tolerate it. He even blames my wife and I for it saying we basically don't want him to be happy. His wife of 40 years just died last February. I know depression can be real, but that is just an excuse to me.
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You know sometimes I think things were better when "the man of the house" made the final decisions for his family. And the wife went along with it.

I think you need counseling. An impartial person and not a Minister. That may get into "honor thy Father thing". Your wife needs to set boundries. Especially with this woman. You and she have a right to not allow a stranger in your house. Plus, if the marriage is based on a greencard, I think the government can investigate the reason for the marriage and stop it from happening. They need to get a license and questions may come up when filing.

You and your wife have to stand together in this. You need to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Wife needs to tell him she overheard his conversation and moving a "new" wife into your home is not going to happen. If he wants to remarry, they can rent an apartment of their own. You refuse to have a stranger living under your roof.
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If you were to leave do you think that would make things normal for your kids half the time? Or would it cause more dysfunction?

You said that you've had fights with your wife over this but have you ever discussed the situation? You said your wife refuses to discuss anything regarding her dad. That's a pretty immature way to behave. What I'm wondering is if your wife knows how miserable you are and that you're thinking of leaving. She needs this information but not as an ultimatum, as in "If you don't move your father out of here I'm leaving!" More like, "I'm really unhappy and I don't want us to continue to live like this. We need to make some changes."

Breaking up your marriage should be your very last option because a divorce reverberates for years and years, especially for the kids. The situation with your FIL has solutions and options that ought to be explored before you pull the cord on your marriage. How about bringing in a 3rd party such as a minister or a therapist? Take some of the air out of the tension at home and hand over your issues to a counselor. Seeing a counselor once a week for 6 months is much easier on everyone than hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce.
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JStatus Jan 2019
As a product of a messy divorce, I know that it isn't the best option. However, I am bitter and am trying to work through it. The hardest part is that I feel like a 3rd wheel. He refuses to speak English around me or the kids even though he can (tagalog) and lies incessantly. My wife complains but blames me for everything because she won't confront him.
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I am so sorry about this series of events. I hear your frustration and anger. It sounds like your authority as an adult has been side-lined; your f-i-l has used his personal power to arrange things to his liking.
Now: what are your options?
You have many. I recommend you make a list. Keep adding to the list until you have a strategic plan. You may need a wise friend or counselor to help you think this through.
You have a clear case of boundary issues here, and re-establishing healthy relationships will take time and work - and your wife will have to be involved. But the place to start is with yourself. You are clearly a patient man, but you have your not-unreasonable limits. And that's ok. Be clear and true with and to yourself. Then you will be ready to speak and work out a solution.
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JStatus Jan 2019
I am trying to be patient for my children. If they weren't in the picture, I would have been gone. I just need my wife to talk openly and eliminate the defensiveness.
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