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My mom has been in an AL with private care givers for 8 months. Her cost of care is 140k a year. She’s 80, 100% cognitive but an extreme fall risk. Been hospitalized/rehab twice before I hired private caregivers. Between her savings and monthly property incomes she has enough for about 10 yrs. After that we can sell one of her rental properties which would give her another 8 yrs. She will never need to sell everything unless she lives to 150! I’m her only daughter and her POA. My 2 brothers seem heartless and only focus on the money. HER money btw. One has asked me several times in heated debates over her cost of care, “how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” I break out in tears with this question. I don’t know how to handle this question and it makes me so confused and depressed. How can her son feel this way? Fyi fantastic mom who sacrificed a lot for her children.

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Your brother sounds like a greedy idiot.

What level of care does HE think she needs? Is he happy to welcome her into his home?

Get some support for yourself--here, an in-person caregivers group, therapy. Learn techniques to stand up the the ignorant people in your life.
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FIrst, congrats to mom for having sufficient funds to ensure proper caregiving for long into her old age. Second, congrats to you for being a kind, caring child. As for your brother asking "How much longer do you think she's going to live?" Tell him "as long as she lives, why would you ask such an inconsiderate question." BTW, I would get my ducks in a row with legal counsel now. Bros sound like it will be a money grab when mom passes. As for why he feels the way he does, who knows. You do what you want/have to do. Let him do what he needs to do. After all, everyone has the right to be a dope if it's not physically injuring someone else. Take care of yourself!
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“how much longer do you think she’s going to live?” 

AWWWWFUL.

I look forward to justice against your brother.
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Thank goodness you are the POA. As you said , it’s her money.. often I read about the difficulties people have because parents didn’t plan, or have the means.

ignore the comments, when it starts take a breath and mentally tell yourself patience… I do it with my mom. It helps me to not engage and react. I might have to do it numerous times. Just know you are doing as your mom asked of you.
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one word for you...ok maybe a few more..
IGNORE the questions like that.
If you really want to get him tell him to direct ALL questions regarding mom to her attorney. (and you know each question will cost $$$)
Any questions about her health can be directed to her doctors. (and you know the response there will be that they can not give out any information due to HIPAA laws)

As to "heated debates"
Get up and leave the room.
Hang up the phone
Do not debate.
Do not engage in the conversations.
I know it is difficult, if not impossible to shut it all out but it will get slightly easier each time.
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When your brother asks such a lunkheaded question, look at him and say sweetly, "Just like you, I hope she lives forever."

My brother also went into money mode with my folks and asked me (the Trustee) for an advance on his inheritance to buy out his ex-wife from her half of their house.

Yeah, no. Not happening.

I had to tell him that the money was still Mom's, and it needed to work for her in her investments. Not surprisingly, he came to find out that the ex had no intention of selling to him anyway, and that situation remains in flux today, 2+ years later. Now he has his half of most of his inheritance, and he's paralyzed at the thought of paying for a hotel room or anything over $100.

Just ignore your brother, or you can also ask him with wide-eyed innocence, "Why on earth would you want to know?"
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Please seek counseling help so that you learn the tools to handle the evil ones in the family. They exist in MOST families. You will learn to stand up for yourself and they will learn that this sort of behavior will mean that they are not allowed in your general vicinity to speak to you in ANY manner. You need the support to learn to stand tall for yourself.
Thank heavens that your Mom knew who here should be the POA. Remember, you as POA owe nothing to the others, not an explanation of any kind. This is your job; you were the one appointed to act in your parent's best interest and you are clear (thank goodness) in your mind that you are doing the right thing.
You are going to need, when you are strong and able and clear in your own mind enough to do it, to sit down the rest of the family and let them know how they are allowed to speak to you if they wish any contact whatsoever.
I am thankful for your Mom that she has the assets to care for herself. I hope you are also her executor. I am thankful you are clear in your mind and we aren't hearing the litanies of "uncertainty" and "guilt" as they are inappropriate for certain.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother's trust. He lived his life as a waiter. He was so proud of how he saved all his life, coupon clipper that he was, and I was so proud to report to him that he could not conceivably outlive what he had saved (and he didn't) and I could ensure he got the best care there was (he did).
So you carry on. And I think it will take no more than a few visits with a therapist (I suggest Licensed Social Worker trained in life transitions therapy) to reassure you that standing up to your brothers will bring you the peace you need and that you so richly DESERVE.
My best to you.
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Oof, sorry you have to deal with that.

If you can ignore him, I’d strongly suggest that. Also in my case when I spend mom’s money on mom’s care, I remind myself that this is money that my greedy sibling will never get. This line of thinking gives me some devious joy I admit. Every steep medical bill I pay down with mom’s own money, I think, “ha HA! “

Vigorous exercise helps a ton too or I’d blow a gasket I swear.

Sending you good thoughts!
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There's a strong method you can take, although I think you might be too polite to do it (that's a compliment).  

Just say that it's inappropriate to speculate on your mother's potential longevity, and that your brothers should be like and consider how they can be of help  and support now, so that they don't feel guilty being so inconsiderate and self absorbed.  

You could also ask what they have to offer in anticipation of the windfall they're apparently expecting, i.e., you could use help with....house cleaning, lawn management, something they can easily do.   .   

Then hang up if this is a phone call, leave the room if it's an in person discussion, or whatever, but terminate the conversation and don't give them a chance to respond.   It may not work, but it should at least shame them.

BTW, those with their eyes on inheritance often are sneaky, and  might be documenting you to challenge you later.   So do that:  document (privately) what you do, and are spending.  It wouldn't surprise me if the brothers demanded to know how you're managing your mother's funds.  
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San42756 Apr 2022
I’m dealing with the same nonsense with my brother. All he cares about is his inheritance and what mom spends. She has done more for my brother financially than she ever did for me, example: putting my nieces through private school k-10. My two sons went to public school. She has paid for all the nieces clothes, toys, phones, etc. for as long as I can remember. It never bothered me because it is/was her money to do what she wanted to do with it. She is now living with me until an opening in memory care comes available. My brother has done nothing to help care for her but now that the house is sold all he cares about is how much money she got. He is a gimme gimme person. He has bullied me, accused me, and tried intimidating me, I don’t care. He doesn’t need to know anything since I am the POA. You are right he has become sneaky. Refused to give me the keys when the house was sold. I changed the locks, so he couldn’t get into the house before the closing and take any furniture that the buyers purchased. I have documented everything financial. The only difference is she has dementia so she can’t change the will anymore. But she knows what is going on and she wishes she could. The drama and the bullshit is over for now. He never came to see her when she lived two minutes away, now that she is living with me over 45 minutes away he will never show up. I’m done with the bullshit... it’s sad but you just have to remove the toxic people in your life.
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Next time they ask that question tell them "Just long enough to use up ALL OF HER MONEY".
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Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I’ve been in a funk all day. My husband is dumbfounded and distraught at my brothers question as well. I didn’t tell my husband this is the 2nd time my brother has asked me how much longer I think our mom is going to live. Meanwhile I’m hosting Easter and I’m feeling so anxious being around my brothers.

I did hire an elder law attorney to set up a trust for my mom because all she had was a simple Will. I would inherit a 3rd of real estate bound with my brothers. I told my mom I wanted my third in a cash payout and hasta la vista. My mom completely understands and told me not to worry about it. My brothers were not happy with me because the trustee(local bank trust dept) will have to liquidate property’s to pay me my share. I’ll probably never speak to them again when this angel leaves us.
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You were smart demanding a cash payout. Great info.

As Alva said, as POA you do not give out any financial info. Thats between u and Mom. Same with Medical. It realky is a shame though that you have to hire outside help when you are paying big time for an AL. I would hope that the care part of her bill reflects that she has private aides so that part of her bill is fairly small.

Me, I would not have invited my brothers to dinner. Tell husband he is free to tell them off. Got to learn a comeback for what they say. Me, I always think of something 1/2 hour later and then its too late.
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Prayers to you. These answers on here are helping me too. I am executor of our mother's will and in that will it gives my brother nothing because of him being a drug addict. But my mother wishes I will execute she wants him to have some money but it will be doled out like she wants it to be. My brother has done this too.

The best is getting that attorney. As far as your brothers are concerned I would just say its her money not ours so she can do with it the way she wants too.

Prayers again
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Being tax day I hope you have a good tax preparer for your mom. I think a lot of her care is tax deductible if she is unable to do a lot of adl tasks by herself.
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When money is involved, people show their true colors. Tell him to ask his mom how much longer she thinks she will live. Ignore his greed. Apparently your mom chose correctly when appointing you POA.
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Stop talking to them about it. Hang up the phone, shut it down. And when they ask why won't you talk about it, tell them your tired of being bullied. You have the control to shut it down.
They bully because they can, and you tolerate it. You answer questions, and allow it to continue.
Give them one warning, then walk away, or hang up the phone.
You have to get a backbone bone and stick to it. People only bully others who allow it.
What my mom taught me when I was a kid and getting bullied was to practice smart comebacks. See yourself hanging up the phone. See yourself in your mind sticking up for yourself. Practice several scenarios in your mind, until you have multiple comments to shut it down. You have to have several at the ready. If they continue harassing you, follow thru with hanging up or leaving. Do not feel guilty for sticking up for yourself! That is what normal people do. They don't tolerate disrespect. Instead of feeling guilty over it, pat yourself on the back, you are a grown woman, and stand up for yourself. They need to learn they don't get to bully you. You aren't a child any more, you dont have to tolerate disrespect. You arent working for them. You dont have to answer to them. You are doing those things for your mom. We are taught to be nice, and it is hard to stand up for yourself. The first or second time, you will feel guilty and mad you had to do it. But you need to set a HEALTHY boundary. Everyone in life must learn this lesson to stick up for themselves. So if you feel guilty, turn that around and pat yourself on your back you protected YOU. It will hurt less and less the more you do it. Good luck.
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Don't engage them, they are bullying you because you allow them to.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. If they call and start on you, say goodbye and hang up. If they send you a nasty gram, don't reply.
They cannot walk on your back unless you are laying on the ground, stand up and defend your position by setting those boundaries.
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It is a shame your brother behaves that way. My parents did not allow bad behavior by showing the bad behavior of my mother’s brother and family on my father’s side. I have 2 sisters and our parents said that we have “family power,” which of course means working together towards an end goal, with no fighting.

We saw what fighting could do. Our uncle was horrible to our grandmother. She wanted to visit with him in her later years, but could not be on her own. She planned a very long trip with help from my mother to visit her son half a world a way and stay with him and his family. Shortly before he said she’d have to stay in an apartment down the street because his wife did not want her staying in the house at night. The trip was canceled. The next time he was divorced, and she was going to stay with him in his apartment. She had the beginnings of dementia and couldn’t be by herself. The day before she was to leave, he informed everyone that she’d have to be in her own place. The end result was that she disinherited him. He didn’t visit her where she lived, didn’t write, didn’t call, just disappeared. He received $1 & was furious. my grandmother made sure to have her mental state evaluated by 3 doctors at the time to ensure the her will would withstand any difficulty and my mother refused to be the executor- my father was, so she wouldn’t be in the middle of things. He thought he had been tricked because of inheritance laws in Switzerland being different from the US. It was complicated. He did everything to make my mother unhappy as well. It gave him pleasure to turn people against each other-just a very unhappy man.

When our mother passed, my sisters and I were devastated. We still miss her years later. I remember her at the point of deciding to either move into independent living or an apartment unaffiliated with independent living or moving in with one of my sisters. I knew she did not want to move in with any of my sisters. My family had lived with her for the previous 14 and it had an expiration date - arranged at the very beginning. She was unhappy it ended initially, but then said it was the best thing - which I agree was, because the house we ere in was too big, too much, too far from services and selling gave both of us a chance to move on to something better.

I knew she didn’t want the apartment, because of an example of one of her friends mother who moved to an apartment and then her friends stopped visiting because it was too difficult to walk up stairs. My sisters were very much for the apartment. I asked her what do you want? Have you thought about it? If independent living is what you want, then do that. It sounds like a fine idea to me - companionship when you want with activities, and your own place where you can entertain as you please and continue your business (she was still working part-time). It was perfect for her. My sisters came around.

Your mother knows who is the responsible person, and that is you. It doesn’t matter if you have a snappy retort to your brother. I hope your mother lives a very long time with good mental acuity and enjoys the pleasure of your company and assistance. When asked how long she will live by your brother, the answer is forever.
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Dear Friend,
I do not have this issue (yet), but I am my mom's sole caregiver and have been for many years. I have two siblings; my brother lives in the same state, only about 25 miles away and my sister lives in NYC. They have not helped in any way. I have my mom's POA and I'm so happy to hear that you have your mother's.

I assume your mom has a will? If not, you two should talk to an elder care lawyer immediately. It's fortunate that your mom has the means to pay for her care, but I can also see your selfish siblings wanting those means to not decrease so they can get more money. The things your brothers ask about your mom's "value" is unimaginable. I sense that you have not told your mom about these questions and comments. I don't know your specific relationship with her, but if I were in your shoes, I would tell her and reveal how awful it makes you feel. If she's so smart, she'll support you. Who knows? Maybe she'll want to amend her will?
At the very least I hope you all can have a conversation about this. Bring in a mediator, if need be. Above all, remember this:

Brothers have been torturing sisters all over the world, in every country and for too many years.

Best of luck,
Boo
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Crystals,

You sound like a wonderfully caring daughter who inherited her mother’s smarts! If you became unable to fulfill POA duties, who is the secondary or back-up? Hopefully neither one of your brothers!

As for hosting events, why invite people that cause you grief, particularly those whom you probably won’t speak to again once your mother has taken the journey? If your mother being alive is the only thing you have in common with your brothers, and they’re already anticipating her death, what would be the reason to continue socializing with them. Spend it with those that celebrate who your mother IS, not those who will celebrate when she’s gone.
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What does your mother say to this? Does she know what they are asking? I know it may be hurtful to her, however if she shut them up, it may be better for all of you. And I don’t mean “tattle” to her. Get her to speak with them and say, her goal is to live to be at least 100 and with the fine care she gets, it’s a definite possibility. Have her tell them she looks forward to that milestone with her kids by her side. Hopefully, that will shut them up,

Of course, this will only work if she is 100% cognitive.
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Please get an elder care attorney. Have the attorney set things in place to protect her. You could ask him to write a letter to your brothers explaining how things will be and to discuss any questions with him. Attorneys are used to dealing with unpleasantness. It is very sad for everyone, but especially sad for your brothers who seem incapable of loving their mother. They are missing out. Sorry you are left to deal with this alone, do get some help, legal!
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If that were my brother, I would respond "Hear me, and hear me clearly: if you mention mom's money again within my hearing before the day her will is read, I will move her to a MORE expensive place, and do everything within my legal power to see that she enjoys every penny of HER MONEY before she passes!" then hang up. Then I'd be prepared to follow through because he probably won't be able to keep his greedy mouth shut. As to questions about how long she will live, "Long enough to go through all of HER MONEY then go live with YOU, honey, I'm quite sure!" all with a smile. Good luck!
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Sendhelp Apr 2022
Best answer ever!
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Wow, respect! There are some good answers here!
Crystals, you are her POA, so stop telling anyone about your Mom's finances, keeping them private.
Do not participate at all in any discussions with your brother about Mom's private affairs.
Maybe that will help you.
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Crystals,

The next time one of your brothers asks how long your mother is going to live, tell him to ask God because you're not the one who makes that decision.
Your mom may be an extreme fall risk as you say, but she doesn't have dementia so she can enjoy a very active social life if she wants to.
If she uses a wheelchair and also has private caregivers, encourage them and her to start going places if they don't already do this. Shopping, out for lunches, to a casino or bingo if your mom likes that sort of this. Mom ought to start spending her money then see how fast your brother shuts up.
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Greed shows up in situations like this and you see the REAL feelings of family members. It’s hurtful and ugly.
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Wondering how long your mom's money will last generally isn't unreasonable - my siblings & I wondered the same about our mom (I was POA) - but not from the point of her spending so much that we'd be left with nothing (she had little to begin with).

Whether you think your brother's motive is fear of a smaller inheritance, or not, perhaps repeating this mantra to yourself when he confronts you with an unreasonable question could help: "Consider the source." That removes confusion & emotion, & it could help you frame your answer.

After our mom died, my brother took it to another level. He told me that I'd be subject to prosecution if it were found that I used her money for my own use. (Duh). He's a CPA, he lives hundreds of miles away, & he was not involved in her care. It was hurtful, but I said to myself, "Consider the source." To keep peace in the family, I provided him with our mom's financial records. He asked about some money she inherited 35 years prior to her death. I had no idea what she did with it, told him that, & repeated "Consider the source." Crisis averted.

I still love my brother, but I know that his frame of reference is different from mine. Thinking, "Consider the source" usually helps.
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Dnawill Apr 2022
Wondering (worrying) about how long mom’s money will last... Oh gosh, me too, every single day, and not for my sake! My mother gave away several years of her funds to a lying predatory SIL, supposedly for my brother’s care (he had MS). Long story short, it was actually going for SIL’s luxuries instead. When I would warn my mother that she needed to keep those funds available for her own care, she would get angry and reply that my brother was getting his inheritance early.

Now as POA, I have to manage my 91yo mother’s care worrying about dwindling funds and where she might wind up if she runs out. And I pray for wisdom to make the best decisions I can for her sake, and for God’s mercy that my mother gets to stay in the AL apartment she loves until she draws her last breath.

Kudos to all the wise people on this forum. Your experience and insights help me so much! Hoping it helps Crystals too!
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My sister actually had the gaul to say to my mother: “You are spending my inheritance.” My mother angrily replied: “It’s my money and I will do what I want with it.”
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KNance72 Apr 2022
That sounds like my sister .
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I remember they took my Aunt Harriet Out of assisted living after she fell . Luckily a Little voice told me to get to Boston and see her at the hospital . They threw her into a dismal dark Nursing home . I was able to contact her and tell her " she could go back to assisted living and hire round the clock help it was her money and she didn't owe anyone anything . " She did as I told her and died a year later . At the funeral My uncle said " you cost us $110 ,000 this year . " I felt happy I was able to help my great Aunt .
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my2cents Apr 2022
Good for you!! Sad that family members start counting an inheritance while the owner of assets is still alive.
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You just need a come back for this sort of questioning -- How much longer do you think she will live? You: I hope for another 50 or 60 years, but that may not happen. Thank goodness she saved up and has assets and money to pay for her care....so many people don't.

Or - reply with a question - how long would you like to see her live?
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