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Hi Liss79,

Welcome to the forum.

You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.

You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!

You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.

I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.
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Liss79 Apr 2019
I'm getting a little teary with all the supportive responses. Thank you so much for your kindness. I have carried this alone for so long and now finding others who not only understand where I am coming from, but live it themselves. I feel very fortunate to have found this page and all the caring people on it. I am a newbie to the page, but thank you so much for giving me hope again. It's like a breath of fresh air! :)
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I am sorry for the loss of your uncle. Not being able to grieve because you are on call 24/7 makes the loss so much harder.

You have given the years of your life that are usually applied to careers, marriage and child rearing, so I can't imagine how tired and burned out you must feel. I pray that the counseling helps you feel hopeful again.

Is your mom open to outside help?

Do you have any family or friends that can give you a vacation to go mourn your uncle and to rebalance? Please try to find a way to get some time for you, we all need a chance to grieve and find our footing after a big loss.

Hugs, you are a blessing to your mom and you were a blessing to your uncle.
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Liss79 Apr 2019
Thank you so much for your response isthisrealyreal.
"Not being able to grieve because you are on call 24/7 makes the loss so much harder." No one in my family seems to understand this so thank you for acknowledging how hard it is to grieve when you are "on call" all the time.
My Mom is open to outside help (she realizes her care is more than I can provide alone now) so I just need to look into getting help to come in.

I am the youngest of four children, but yet, the care falls totally on my shoulders. My brother, the oldest, does as little as possible to help out. I lost my older sister to breast cancer in 2002 :( And my other sister helps out when she can, but she is only helpful when it is convenient for her.

Hugs to you for reminding me what a blessing we are to our loved ones. And they to us as well. Thanks again for your kindness :)
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Hi Liss,
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.

The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.

Now, how to do that?

Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)

Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.

I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.
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Liss79 Apr 2019
Thank you for replying SueC1957. :) I am very new to the site and still learning how to "ask for help". I am going to look into getting help to come in on a regular basis and I started counseling again last week so I am hopeful things will turn around. Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy and can't seem to get out of my own way. Working on that too. :)
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I think that as caregivers we have to be realistic about the situation. To be all things and superhuman really isn't realistic. That's why people have burnout. It's not really healthy for the caregiver to overextend themselves. I'd listen to my mind and body. There are always options. I'd explore getting help or alternate care for your mother. And, it might be good to see a counselor or consult with a doctor. Depression can be very devastating. There are always options and you can be happy again. I'd try to keep that in mind.
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Liss79 Apr 2019
Thank you Sunnygirl1 : ) I will keep that in mind.
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