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My father was never mean or abusive but never really matured enough to take an interest or provide for his three children. After our parents divorced when we were in our teens, my father rarely communicated with us. About five years ago my brother rescued him from living alone in a run-down apt in another city, and brought him to a subsidized apt in my brother's beautiful town. Now my dad is 90 and his small retirement does not cover his expenses. My older brother and I have to provide a lot of financial support to pay for his group home and personal expenses. I had long ago expected nothing from my dad but now it feels painful to give up my hard-earned money to a parent who did so little for me. Younger brother refuses to give him money or time. I love my dad because he gave me life, but I don't like him for who he became. Now he is bored and lonely and calls me every week to talk--which I graciously do. Older brother lives nearby my dad and takes on the vast majority of his extra needs--of which I am very grateful (because I wouldn't want to do it!). I visit four times a year to help out and send money monthly. My dad has no idea how we all feel, and is not capable of honest self-assessment. I would like to feel less resentful.

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I can see where some have misunderstood your intent/issue. Hopefully you can find some financial help for him to alleviate the drain for you and your brother. Meanwhile, hopefully you can continue to help and find some solace in the fact that while the funds and other help you provide ultimately helps your dad, you are providing support, in many more ways, for your brother. DO take this as a compliment to you, both for being charitable AND for working with your brother. There are many instances of siblings who not only don't help the one(s) who are doing the work (neither financially or physically), but actively criticize and/or make a lot of legal trouble! You are working together and will have a good relationship still after dad is gone.

The only other way to view it was mentioned by a few - you have to live with yourself and your decisions. It doesn't sound like you would like yourself if you pulled away and stopped helping. Your value system is important and if you were to turn your back on those values, you might have repercussions.

I do know how it feels from a different perspective. When getting divorced, my atty told me to hide whatever money I could. I *could not* do that, as it didn't seem right to me and I have to wake up to myself and look at myself in the mirror. This is despite NOT getting financial support before and after we split up AND having him try to paint me as an abusive mom. Most of the savings we did have came from my paycheck and my hard work to save it. On the day I handed him a check, he didn't take it right away and stated he thought there was more than that. I almost ripped up the check!!! Also, without going into the details about his behavior and treatment of us, when my son, about age 10, stated that he hated his dad because I did, I HAD to correct him! I told him that 1) I didn't hate his dad, I only hated some of the things he would do and 2) I didn't want him to form opinions based on what someone else might think or believe!

Anyway, stay true to yourself and your values. Hopefully you and your brother can find some help for your mom and your dad. If nothing else, know that this won't last forever.
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I’m kind of in the same boat as you with my Dad. He and my Mom divorced when I was five; he skipped out on child support, and wasn’t there for me emotionally, financially, or any other way in my childhood or my adult life.
Now he’s on oxygen 24/7, and somehow I’ve ended up paying for his cellphone service for the last ten or twelve years. I also pay all expenses to visit him about once a year. I figure he has less than five years left, and I’ve taken up the slack for this long, so I might as well see him through until the end of his life.

Yes, I’m resentful and angry, but I would feel worse if I stopped paying and visiting. My mother died last year from complications of Alzheimer’s; she wasn’t Mom of the year by anyone’s stretch of the imagination. I took over her affairs and saw her through to the end . That’s just what I chose to do; I’m proud of myself for taking care of my parents when they really didn’t want me to exist in the first place, and treated me like a throw-away nuisance. My parents both have told me separately that I was a mistake, and they didn’t want to be parents. Well, I think they’re both lucky that they did have me; I stuck around for both of them when they had no one else.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you for replying to my question. We do have overlap in our responsibilities for our parents "late in the game." My heart goes out to you to be told that you were a "mistake," even though I am sure that at least your mother came to love and appreciate you in her own way. I can tell from the responses from the readers of this forum that many people are the product of bad parenting, even if they don't say that directly. That fact that most of the responses have advised me to deny my dad care and let him suffer, and are very negative, tells me that they lack moral character and are very bitter from their experience of growing up.

Like you, I would feel worse to know that my dad would suffer, and/or that my brother would have to pick up the financial slack, which would cause serious harm to his family. The intention of my question was to find a way to feel good, or less angry and resentful about supporting my dad's care. A few people could read between the lines, as you did, and for that I am grateful. Some even provided very kind and inspirational words--so be sure to read thru all the responses because it would apply to you too!

All the best to you! You learned some very valuable lessons in life and no one can take that away from you.
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I believe you need to decide what kind of person YOU want to be, and act accordingly.

For all my life my uncle hated me - long story short, his mother was a better mother to me in her older age than she could have possibly been to her children. (She was 16 when she got married and gave birth the first time.)

When it came time for him to die, I decided what kind of person I wanted to be. I spent every night in the hospital with him after working and going to school every day for six weeks. Fortunately I had a good support system and my best friend did my laundry - I fed his pets at his apartment, quickly showered and started another day. It wasn't so much about taking care of him as it was about the person I wanted to be able to look in the mirror every day and respect. He was a very unpleasant man toward many people, but I accepted it as part of who I wanted to be and what I could live with myself doing after he passed.

It has been quite a few years now, and I am still proud of what I did to maintain my own view of myself. Yes, it was incredibly difficult and I did what his own children should have done but they lived out of state. He had lived close to them, but they never spoke with him so he moved here.

I look back at that time and am glad I did what I did, if only so I could look myself in the mirror and not feel guilty.

Please decide the kind of person you want to be, and then be that person.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your point of view and could read between the lines of my question. The majority of responses have been negative in that people think something is wrong with me to feel a moral obligation to support my father, despite his disappointing past. I think it reflects that A LOT of parents have hurt their children which has resulted in adult children walking away from providing care or support.

When I posed this question I was looking for inspiration, and spiritual or moral motivation. My brother and I continue to seek government financial support. In the meantime, we still have to provide for my dad and I am not as "evolved" as you are, but I am getting there. I agree with everything you said. It's still hard though to communicate with my dad and pretend that I am happy to speak with him and continue to send money when it's too late for him to learn any lessons or see the error in his past behavior.

Thanks again.
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You’ve seen it in many other answers - you don’t owe your dad. The two questions I’d ask myself are: what do I want to do? And, what kind of person do I want to be?
Whatever you decide, you want to feel good about it.
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I am confused. You say you love your father but he was never there for you and you are helping foot the bills even though he is obviously not a good or nice person. Why on earth are you doing this? Remember, what you sow is what you reap. You do not, in my opinion, owe him money when you obviously don't have it to spend foolishly. There is nothing wrong with visits and calls and letters. However, I feel it is time to tell the truth - let him know what he has done and how it has affected you. It is time he knows and you will not have to carry this secret burden the rest of your life - and if you do, it will consume you later. Let him know, stop the money, visit and be friendly but put up solid boundaries and don't be a fool any longer.
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Why are you paying for your dad's care? He is an adult; you and your brother are adults. Unless he can not make decisions for himself, you do not "have" to do this. We have lots of social services available for the poor in this country. Help him get set up for Medicare, Medicaid, HUD housing, SNAP (food stamps), and any other services available to subsidize his care. I also suggest you read any of the books by Townsend and Cloud on "Boundaries". I especially like the one on boundaries with your parents.
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A lot of men can be a father, but not every man can be a daddy. It looks like he was never a daddy to you and now expects you to act a certain way to him. It's up to you to decide that you don't want to be guilt tripped by him. Good luck. Prayers...
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You do NOT "have to" help him financially. It is a choice.

Maybe help him find a solution as you extricate yourself from a situation you do not want to be in. And if he is not cooperative, you just need to give him notice and do what it is you want to do.
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I think that having resentment towards your father is understandable. Holding in any emotion only does you harm. I use to hold things in as well.. and now let things fly from both barrels.

Anyway please consider yourself and what is best for your family.
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I was estranged from my father for 20 years. He was not a good father and grandfather. He was a mamma's boy and never grew out of it. My mother divorced him and he remarried quickly. His wife resented his having had a family and after my son I could no longer tolerate either of them. I knew eventually they would need care as they managed to isolate themselves from everyone. My dad landed in the hospital and then a nursing home. His wife had dementia by then. I visited and continued to visit and try to offer advice and assistance from a distance as I lived nearly 4 hours away. I went home and sat in a hospital with him the night he died and later assumed guardianship for his wife until she passed away in an AFC. We reconciled too and she apologized in her own way.
In the end the only person you have to answer to is you. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and live with yourself for what you are doing or not doing then that is enough. Some people don't have it in them to be parents. I tell people now "Sometimes all your parents do is teach you how not to be." That was true with my dad and true with yours as well. I am glad you have some sibling support in your brother.
I look back now and have peace. I wish that for you as well.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you for your thoughtful insight. Indeed, I have tried to look for the positive even in the negative, such as not repeating my parents' mistakes with my children. In some ways I am a stronger person because of both of my parents weaknesses so I try to focus on that instead of all the ways my dad in particular, could not be there for me. I would love to be able to do what you did to reconcile with your dad and stepmother--which would have involved having an honest conversation. I don't know if my dad could handle it, but it would make me feel better to give voice to my feelings before he dies. Thank you again for your input.
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You don't owe him a thing. Biological father means nothing, especially if absent most of the time. Even a cockroach can be a biological father. Even a cockroach can give "life". Stick him in a nursing home and be done with it. He's most likely eligible for Medicaid. and he could live another good 10 years, especially without Alzheimer's disease.
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Nothing would convince me to provide financial support for either of my parents.
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Dear Daughter44 You and Your Brother are doing the right thing in supporting Your Father Who is now 90 year old, and You will I promise You will find great peace in Your heart when this journey come to its end. Through out my life I have seen People Who were spiteful and hateful towards a Parent and It eat them up like a cancer. These People became very bitter, and You and Your Brother Who helps out and supports Your Father are so much better than that. Naturally Your feelings are very normal under the circumstances You wrote in Your Post, but You will get through this un wounded knowing in Your heart that You honoured and cared for Your Father
and did not judge or punish Him.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you. I agreed with everything you said. You also made me realize that my brother's generosity and self-sacrifice have shined a beautiful light on the negativity of the circumstances and inspired me to also do what is right. I am not there yet--but I am working on accepting what needs to be done for my dad and still feel good about it.
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You have two choices: 1. Don’t do it and take the same route as your younger brother or 2. Continue as you are but choose to distance yourself emotionally. At 90 perhaps he doesn’t have that long left. Do what you have to do to be at peace with the decision you make after he is gone.
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Your question struck a nerve with me. I too, have a father who supported me as little as he could. I don’t support him now because he is in a Medicare/medical home. But I do visit him because I don’t want to feel guilty later about not seeing him. I look on it as me providing myself with future peace of mind.
He is as mean as he ever was. He spits pills out at the nurses and gets combative with them. At least now I know, that he is mean not only to me and my sibling but to the rest of the world.
i wouldn’t feel obligated if I were you to pay for your father, but I admire you and your brother for providing for him. But I don’t condemn your other brother for not helping him at all. I’ve been there and I can empathize with you and your brothers.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you.
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Get him on Medicaid...take him to ER & say you can’t take care of him anymore...& he needs skilled nursing care...they will help you have him placed. Talk to Social Worker there...hugs 🤗
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I also provide help and financial support to a parent who did little to raise me. The few short years I was in my mother’s care as a child, she was a drunk whom was checked out. But I too feel a sense of responsibility to ensure she at least has food on her table and needed medications.

The way I have made peace with this is that I had to change my way of thinking. My helping her is not really for her. My financial support is securing my future peace of mind. I know myself well enough to know that if I abandoned her to be homeless and helpless I would feel a tremendous amount of guilt that I didn’t help when I could help. I don’t have to provide her with the best life has to offer and cater to her every whim. I just need to help her survive in a clean and safe environment. She can’t afford assisted living and she is not infirm enough to need a nursing home that would be paid by Medicaid.

So don’t see it as doing it for him. See it as an investment in YOUR future peace of mind. When he is gone, you and your brothers will know you did what you could to help him even if he didn’t entirely deserve it.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Well said! My dad's financial situation is as you described: his application for medicaid was rejected because his pension was too high, but he doesn't get enough to cover his 24/7 care! He has fallen through the cracks of the California system. Yes, I believe the best way to find peace is to think of my contribution not for my dad, but for myself, and mostly to offload my brother who is sacrificing way more than me.
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I think you have expressed your HONEST feelings perfectly, and I cannot tell you how well I think you are doing. Better than many would. Your younger brother has chosen not to participate. I don't blame him one little bit, and am not certain I would not take the route he has. In fact, I believe I would have. I have a friend who is supporting her alcoholic son through life, he being early 40s now and with no interest in her and her needs as she has more surgeries and becomes more frail. She has the money, so that is not the question. The question is something other, and that something I suspect without any answer. I think FloridaDD is in your younger brother's corner. It seems to me you are not the kind of person who could live comfortably having done that. And I think it is too late to let your Dad know he failed you. Ultimately we are who we are and we do the best we can, and at times that is very awful, indeed. You have suffered for it.
I wish that who you are, what you are doing, brought you more peace than it does, for it SHOULD. It's too late to say "You weren't there for me and now I abandon you". I think YOU are the one who couldn't live with it.
Basically can't tell you how much I admire you. And I wish only that you have PEACE from it. Because that's what you deserve, if ever anyone did. Hugs to your BIG brother and for the youngest, my deepest sympathy. Wish he could help a bit, if not for DAD, then for YOU and your other bro.
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Daughter44 Dec 2019
Thank you. I will hold on to your words. It meant a lot to me.
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Let our brother know you will not help at all, and he can do what he wants.

When dad calls, tell him that you resented that he was not there for you.
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I wonder why you “have to” do anything for him. Yes, he is your biological father, but he was also supposed to provide for and raise you, and he elected not to. It sounds like he only took an interest in you when he needed you. But he wasn’t there when you needed him. It is very kind of you and your brother to try to take care of him but you owe him nothing and have no obligation to save him from the situation he put himself in.
My parents divorced when I was very young and my father also chose not to be part of my life. My mother had to move heaven and hell just to get minimal child support from him and he avoided spending time with me. Now he tries to initiate contact with me and I suspect it is for the same reason as your dad—he realizes he needs someone to take care of him now that he is elderly. I have no guilt at all about ignoring him. I have plenty on my plate taking care of my mom (she is in memory care and her dementia has convinced her that I abuse and steal from her, so she hates me now) and he is in his own. He didn’t want the responsibility of having a child, so he doesn’t get to reap the benefits of having one either.
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I empathize with you and also congratulate you for your helping your father in his old age. I don't intend to lay "religion" on you, but the commandments say, "HONOR" your father and mother...…...It does not say "if he was a good dad" or if you loved him or not, and so on...It says "honor" him. Again, I empathize with you in your situation.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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Doggomom Dec 2019
No.

I believe that “religion” meant for the father and mother to actually BE a father and mother, and provide for and support and nurture their children, not just shrug off all responsibility then show up later and reap the benefits. I can’t imagine that even the most repressive religion meant that parents are free to shirk their legal and moral duty toward their children but still be honored for...what? Just breeding?
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You don't legally owe him a thing. This is on you not him.
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Your dad must be some sort of Rasputin if he was a financial and emotional deadbeat yet his adult children are sacrificing their own futures and orbiting around him while he still doesn't give a d**m about how it impacts them. If you and your brother aren't able to save for your own futures, you are just kicking the can down the road. Help your dad apply for Medicaid, get him into a facility and then don't feel guilty about it. This is the retirement HE planned for. And HE certainly isn't feeling guilty about using you and your brother. Your youngest brother is the only one who has isn't an enabler.
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As others have suggested, perhaps one or both of you could explore what benefits mom or dad could qualify for (Medicaid, VA, other.) If their income is low enough and they qualify for AL (in some states, not all, AL might be covered) or NH benefits.

I do like the post by Countrymouse - if the financial drain is too much for you and/or your brother, you should seek help. Initial consult with Elder Care attys are usually free (have all your questions ready before the visit!) They can guide and/or suggest options. If it isn't a huge drain, then it speaks volumes of you (and one brother) and your values! It might lead to some resentment when it curtails your ability to enjoy life, and it likely burns a bit that he didn't bother with you when growing up, but that's in the past.

If you can afford it (albeit it means giving up something yourself) and there are no options available, this may just be something you have to live with (as for YB, you likely can't make him chip in. that comes from the heart and basically you can't change other people, only how you perceive and deal with them.)

I would suggest you seek EC attorney, probably best to use one in the state mom and dad live in (I know this was about dad, but your profile indicates your brother is caring for your mother too.) You can locate some there using:
https://www.naela.org

Locate some in their area and call to ask questions about free consult, whether they handle Medicaid applications or VA benefits, etc. No point in wasting time, even with a free consult, if they don't cover the issues you have! If any of you have POA, that will help managing finances, etc and hopefully you have medical waivers too. If not, the EC attorney *might* be able to help, if the dementia hasn't progressed too far. It may require getting guardianship (EC atty and court costs for this are not cheap!)
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Alesigonzales Dec 2019
I read your piece & think you are right on. I loved how you encouraged researching Medicaid & VA as a source of assistance. Your statement, “you can’t change people only how you perceive & deal with them,” was profound for me to hear. Thank you!
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I don't think you owe your father anything because he "gave you life." All he really did was have sex with your Mom, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't thinking of your best interests when he did it.

The only way to make peace with this is either to limit your help to an amount you can feel good about, or to view it as a gift you are giving older brother, to keep him from bearing the whole load himself. If that doesn't work for you, then you need to rethink the whole idea of providing help except maybe in a dire emergency. JMO.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Carla,

That’s to the point!
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I believe that your mother and others did a good job raising you. You see someone who needs help and you have stepped up. However don’t feel obligated. Obligation leads to resentment which leads to hate which leads to self loathing
With your brothers’ (yep both of them) find out exactly what your father is entitled to under state and federal aged care and hit them up for the lot. Ask your father about his life. Is he entitled to any services from Veterans Affairs. Does he have super or pension money sitting somewhere untouched. One of you will have to get financial and health POA This will lessen financial burden. Where he ends up ask about visiting services by local church groups and such and arrange for someone to visit.
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I'm going to assume that you and your brothers (both of them) are doing what you individually believe to be right.

I'm also going to assume that the financial sacrifices you are making now will not put your own security at risk. If that isn't so, then none of this applies and you and older brother both need to think again.

But based on those assumptions, and that you just want to feel better about doing this: how you behave in general towards other people is not about what they deserve, it's about what you are like.

So in this case, your fulfilment of what you see as a duty towards your father (his care) and your older brother (meaningful support for him) shows what you are like. You are a person who acts on a responsibility when you have decided to accept it, and does so with appropriate boundaries.

Your father may not have matured, but you most certainly did. You should be proud.
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anonymous951699 Dec 2019
What a thoughtful answer. Thanks.
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I'm firmly on Team You-Don't-Owe-Him.

Caifornia's version of Medicaid is called MediCal.
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The short answer is that you don’t owe him a thing.
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Why do you think that you need to give him money?

You are not responsible for your parents' lack of planning.

I know that sounds mean/cold/cruel. But it's the truth.
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