How do you get past the vision of seeing your parent die?

It is haunting until you start replacing it with other memories.

After my grandmother’s passing, I made a slideshow. The hours of looking through old photos, sifting through all the memories kind of repressed the not-so-nice way she died (she was in a lot of pain and distress, begging for us to kill her).

Try to focus on the good times you shared. They won’t make you feel less sad, but they aren’t as haunting.

HUGS, and I’m sorry for your loss.

My dad died at home looking like that painting, "The Scream." It was horrifying, particularly because he was fine six weeks weeks before. He just wasted away so fast.

My mother died this part July, and she went from looking like my mother to looking exactly like her father in just three days. I never would have said she looked like her dad, as he was very angular and Mom was chubby-cheeked and round. However, she, too, became gaunt and looked so much like a man I would never have recognized her if I didn't watch it happen before my eyes.

Within a month after their deaths, I couldn't bring up those images in my mind. All I can remember are the darling people my parents were with big smiles on their faces.

Honestly, I think Nature changes our loved ones' looks at the end precisely because that's a short-term image and we won't remember it for long -- we didn't ree them looking like that long enough for that picture to imprint in our mind.

Have faith that this image will fade quickly, and your mind will be filled with the enduring memories of your dad in happier times.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are still very early in this process, so don't expect those visions of him to disappear overnight. I would say be grateful that he didn't linger long in his dying process, as that can actually be more traumatic to witness.
My husband's dying process took 6 long weeks, with him not eating for 41 days and not drinking for about 25 days. And he was in great pain pretty much the whole time, that hospice could not get under control, and I was the one who was with him 24/7. It was horrific to witness, and so heartbreaking for me. I honestly felt like I was suffering from PTSD after his death.
My husband died Sept. 2020, and it took me a very long time to get those images out of my mind. They occasionally try to sneak in, but I stop them and replace them with a sweeter mind picture of my husband, and that seems to work quite well.
So give yourself some time. Allow yourself time to grieve the father you loved, and in time those haunting pictures in your mind will be replaced with more happy ones.
I pray for God's comfort and peace to cover you in the days, weeks and months ahead.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your grief is still so raw and this will take time.

I agree with many here - going through old albums - bring back so many memories that can help replace the harder days. There are far more beautiful memories than sad ones. Even putting together the memorial and grieving with others (hearing their stories of your loved one) will help.

The biggest hug - and prayers for peace and comfort for you and your family.

I'm so sorry. It's just awful to watch someone you love die, even when you know they are living in hell on earth. I held my mother's hand as she died. I was all alone with her and had been all evening and she just was in the bed motionless until she suddenly raised her arms up and made a few little noises and stopped breathing. I had been very strong through her illness and decline and thought I was prepared but, no. I called my father and asked if he wanted to come to the hospital to see her before she was taken to the mortuary and he said no and I was so sad. I'll always remember it, and always be a bit sad, but it no longer haunts me. Give yourself some time. Allow it to hurt for a while. But it does get better. Trust me.

I had to experience much the same with my husband who died from a brain tumor. Time is the answer. I had to realize that dying can be hard work. It’s not as easy as it looks in the movies. It can be a struggle. I went to GriefShare and I also saw a private counselor because there were many complicating issues surrounding my grief. I’m so glad I did. Reach out for help. There may be grief counseling available through the hospice that your dad had. Your grief is so fresh. Those images will fade and you will make peace with them. It’s just really hard at first. Especially if this is the first time you’ve been with a person when they’ve died.

I watched my mom die in February and relived her last moments in my mind over and over for about two weeks.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
Now I remember it on occasion but I mostly remember all the good memories.
Be gentle with yourself. It helped me to take moments to focus on the here and now - walk outside and focus on the sounds of nature, focus on the warmth of a hot cup of coffee/tea, savor the taste of something, feel warm water running down your back in the shower, do some moderately difficult exercise that makes you focus.
Plan these activities each day - it will give your mind a break.
I also bought a weighted blanket and used it to help me relax and sleep. It helps calm the nervous system.
Sending you so much love and praying for peace. Each day will get a little bit better.

Oh desr Avbeuhler,

My sincere condolences. I lost mom 10-15-2021. I was fortunate enough to keep my promise and keep her home until the end.

AND the end was not pretty. What I do is not dwell on it because, when I do, I go to dark places. My faith has helped me through this.

Hospice came in and I replied on God to speak through them. They had similar advice and I did not have to make those tough decisions.

I look back at the fun times we had and I hope that you can too. He is no longer suffering.

Again, my condolences

Just try to be happy that he didn't have long term pain and passed fast.
And think of the good and special moments of saying I Love You and him bring able to understand.

I had my sister stay with me the last 3 months of her life and she was in a lot of pain and once she passed I cried for weeks but even tho I was missing her, I knew it was good that she wasn't feeling any more pain.
But, everything reminded me of her.
It will get better with time, lots of time.

Keep happy thoughts and know someday ya'll will meet again in Heaven.

Prayers

Prayers

God bless you!
It will get better overtime. And please know that in his heart he knows you love him and cared for him. Take comfort in that he was also able to express his love to you all and that he was aware you all were there for him. He's in a better place and no longer in pain.

I lost my 22 yr old son. As well as my 57 yr old husband. I would say that with my son, I thought I would never survive it. I am an artist and I believed I could never create again. But eventually I did. Time does heal. But it does take time. With my husband, I felt it was a relief for him to go, both for him and for myself. He was no longer the man he was before stroke. Give yourself time. You might find yourself a stronger person two weeks from now. God bless.

It's only two days. You can't avoid a mourning period. Some things you will be told by well meaning folks, including me, may seem harsh but here is my thought. He was 89 and apparently lived a good long life. You can't see it right now, but his suffering was short and he enjoyed the comforts of home and family till his last days. Many of us will not be as fortunate as your Dad. Work through your grief knowing he lived nearly a full nine decades and was with family till the end. It will get easier and the good memories will eventually overrule your experience with his final moments. Don't dwell on that..make the conscious decision to enjoy a lifetime of good memories, embarrassing but funny memories, vacations and family gatherings. You Dad, and Mom, would want you to do this.

I am so sorry for your loss. My sister and I accompanied our Dad on his last journey and it is very painful to watch. Last words are sometimes incoherent. It has been 18 years now and we still miss him terribly but those traumatic last minutes have faded-perhaps after a year or two and turn into loving memories.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I was very close to my father and was also the only one in the room with him when he passed away. I don’t talk about it much because it was very hard to handle. I feel like I understand your pain. I cannot tell you how many hours, days, weeks or even years it will take you to come to grips with this as everyone grieves differently. Having said that, I will tell you that it gets easier. Sometimes I go whole weeks without thinking of him or that day. Sometimes it is as fresh as it was the next day. Personally, I’m a person who grieves with my whole being… mind, body and soul. I sought help from God and received it in so many ways. However, not everyone is religious. If you are, it really helps to seek His guidance and love. If you are not, it might be a time for grief counseling. I have lost more loved ones than I can count in my life and they just don’t get easier right away. I am holding back tears right now as two of those loved ones were in the last 6 months. The only advice I can offer is to make a scrapbook, or a vision board, or something like that, and include as many things to add to it that you can find which remind you of your dad. Try to make each item a GOOD memory… one which makes you smile, even if it is through the tears. When your heart aches for him get this item out and let it help you to heal. You will eventually feel like you can take a step forward without crying. Absolutely don’t worry if you begin to feel guilty for moving forward…it is normal behavior for someone who is going through such a loss and it will fade rather quickly if you don’t give it any energy. He wouldn’t want you to stop living because he did. I hope you find some small comfort from what I could offer. I will pray for you and for your father, may he Rest In Peace. Good luck and feel free to reach out if you need anything. My best to you.

I too was with my mom through all these steps and for her last breathe. It is so hard initially but, as her main caregiver, I was honored to be the one to be there (she was moved to a care facility) for her final moments. I knew that someone was there talking to her and loving her up to that last breathe. (That was a big deal for me as she worsened, that she would die without anyone there.) She had her hand on top of mine as I had mine on her chest, feeling her breathing and irregular heart beats. If I had a scratch or tried to wipe my tears, she would hold my hand and not let me move it. She knew I was there and wanted me to stay RIGHT there.🥰 I will forever be great full and honored to have been the one.
she past away Christmas Day last year and while it still hurts and I miss her, she is in heaven with her Lord and Savior and is while again. I will see her again and all my comfort is in that.
We are in circumstances and places for a reason. We must do our best in them and take away the good and learn from each of these. The times spent with her, the care, the tough decisions, the hard times when she was combative, the times she just wanted to listen to us and see us…all of it comes back to mind. Some things I remember so fondly, other times were so frustrating and painful to see but I can now even laugh at some of those.
Although hard to believe, it will get better and easier. You will find one day that you can talk about something and not cry, you will be able to share memories with enjoyment instead of sorrow.
cry when you need to, talk through what you need to and look forward to better days-they are coming.

I have gone through all this and it sure hurts. The only advice I have is that you should be happy of many good memories and that you shared a special relationship and second, know that any suffering and discomfort are now gone - this soul is at peace. Keep thinking this and time will help heal you. I send prayers to you.

Takes time at least a couple years to recover . Grief counselor even just once can be very helpful . Be thankful you were able to be with him till the end that is a blessing

God bless you and your father, my condolences. I was just in your shoes this past February 27, 2021 when I lost my mom in front of me. I ended up with changes in my heart for which I am still being followed up by the doctors at the hospital. I think these are the most painful experiences that we will ever experience in our lives, the death of our parents and grandparents. I still cannot get over that. My relationship with my mom and grandmother was extremely close. I know I will not get over it despite what others might say, because they were my parents. An employee at the funeral where I had my mom's wake was telling me that he had lost his father 40 years ago. I said to him " What has time done to you ? " His answer was " Nothing. I feel like he is still standing next to me all the time ". So, I think, just my personal and humble opinion, I think it depends on how close you were to your parents. Sure, some people say it will pass. It gets better. Some will say he is at rest and feeling no pain now. The people who lived the farthest from your father can say this, but you or anyone else who cared for him will feel differently. With my parents, my grandmom and mom, I was doing everything for them. I even cleaned them, and sometimes very frequently, something that not a lot of people would be willing to do even for their parents. Of course it is exhausting because you have to do it 24/7. I did not complain. My parents noticed though and I proved to them many times how much I loved them. Hospitals were offering me help, but my parents did not want anyone in the apartment with them. They only wanted me. I did not clean them intimately. They could still do it slowly by themselves. They were still protecting their privacy. I did everything for them, despite people making mistakes around them in the nursing home with evil intent and then trying to hide as in the case of my grandmother and my mother in the hospital. I did not want to deal with such horrible people. I preferred to do it myself. I was doing everything with all my heart and soul for them for years and years no matter the cost. I did not raise a family because I loved them. I worked, but I was still keeping a very close eye on them like my babies, because they were almost babies. I became more protective of them when I saw and learned the hard way with the loss of my grandmother that in this country not everyone likes old people. They discriminate against them and they protect themselves legally. Disgusting. It happens and they get away with it. Murder sometimes goes unpunished in the health care system in this country and it gets brushed under the rug because a lot of people out there making the decisions for everyone like Gods are corrupt as simple as that. The police looks the other way when you try to bring this up when something bad happens. No one protects our elderly. No one cares, because the majority thinks that they lived their life already so why bother they think. This is why I did not let them go and was always protective of them. I knew their medical charts inside out. Despite all this I could not protect them 100 per cent of the time. I would be asked to leave whenever they had to stay in the hospital and even threatened if I did not despite my parents' cries for me to stay which they never respected. Instead they would inject them with tranquilizers to quiet them down which had harmful effects on them despite my telling them not to do it. They have no respect. Patients' bill of rights? Give me a break. Department of Health? Do not make me laugh. They are all in this together. I will never forget this. The best place to die is at one's home and not with those insensitive people who claim they love working with the sick. In your case it was a blessing that were there with your father till the last minute. This should give you some comfort that you were at least protecting him in those last few minutes. God was with you both.

I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing more painful than losing a parent, much less watching it. But it will get a little easier as time goes by and if it doesn’t ease please see a grief therapist to help.
When the images come into your mind replace them with thoughts of a good memory. Take the time to sit and write them down, in detail. This will put them fresh in your mind. If you have a picture associated with that memory paper clip it to your writing.
Remember to dwell in a good memories and that he no longer is in pain and wishes you no pain.
with love and light

I am so sorry for your loss (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Each person is created for life and to occupy a certain amount of time and space in history. He was blessed to have such a long life and people who loved him there to the end. We all pass from life and it almost always comes with some regrets - of things said or done, of things not said or not done, or of how short our times truly area. Nobody dies of "old age" or "natural causes" but because some part(s) of the body have worn out, gotten sick, or hurt too badly... too much for the person to heal from. Let your parent's words remind you that his time to pass had come instead of haunting you as a debit you owe him.

Start focusing on all your loving memories of this man who occupied a big part of your life. Also consider joining a grief group like GriefShare to help you through the process of grieving. All the members is a grief group are either recovering from the death of a loved one or have already come to terms with a loved one's passing. They are your best resources in the time ahead.

No one prepares us for these things. But I understand that Falls in the elderly are a sign of the end. Rarely, they make it through, and maybe we hear about those and expect better after a fall, but the statistics are bad for elderly and falls. Sounds like he went quickly (Saturday fall, Tuesday he passed). Maybe when he fell, there was more going on and you didn't know, like a brain problem. Maybe he aspirated at some point. Try not to focus on those last words but on how you were there for him and comforting him in his life all the way to the end. Please forgive yourself for not being able to make everything perfect. He would want that. Maybe he wanted you to know that life was too much by way of "hurt" and "sick" and to allow him to pass is kindness. Each time your think of the negative memory, purposely force yourself to remember positive things about him and your relationship. Remember how you loved him and he you. The healing takes years as we really hurt to lose a parent. How wonderful you did not abandon him in his last breath. That's true love.

It has been two decades for me, and I still remember, but the HURTING is mostly gone. It is just a slight "sick" feeling inside when I think about it. It is sort of like a PTSD memory recall, where you remember what he looked like and how he sounded and I remember how he put his arm around me. Mine is not as bad as yours, because my memory is of JUST BEFORE he died and was still able to walk. He took me outside his home, put his arm around me, and said, "Karen, it is just not worth living if the pills make me have no taste for food; I hope you understand." I DID NOT understand what he was saying or threatening. So, after he died from not taking his pills, I was SHAKING, realizing THEN what he had been telling me. What would I have done, if I HAD known? FORCE him to stay alive? To this day, the question haunts me. It is worse for my younger brother who was THERE at the time of death. He never got psych help for it and had a mental breakdown. I hope you don't get that far. It may be necessary to join a GRIEF group such as grief share.com or other support group; and, or, see a grief counselor to talk out your feelings. PLEASE don't have an emotional breakdown like my brother did. To this day, he can't work, and has a way of laughing when he talks about anything. He stays in his home daily and doesn't go out. This has been for decades. He does do gardening though.

Some men and women it does not bother them.

Others, like me, it can take a long time. It is best to cry it out. That is the best healer. Some need a shoulder to cry on, others, like me need to do it in solitude.

This may sound confusing but it is true. When I was a teenager someone close to me died every year for eight years. It is tough.

Why not give it to Jesus. He knows only too well what it feels like to experience a loved one pass on ( Lazarus )

I’m so sorry for your loss; it’s so tough even when our LO’s are on hospice or receiving palliative care. My dad had a similar passing. He took a terrible, very painful fall & his mind & body weren’t talking to each other after it. He lasted almost a week then passed. I was so angry and upset about the fall n his rapid decline, but now, 11 months later, I realize that was his “out.” He left a very broken body and mind that no longer served him. He was made comfortable and fell into a deep sleep for a day before passing. He woke twice when I changed his brief and cried out. He looked at me and mouthed “wha…what?” I told him he was going to be with mama soon and to simply rest. He kind of grinned and went back to sleep. I was there and I believe he knew that. Your dad knew you were there, too. He’s back in full light in his purest essence. Try to see his passing as his heavenly birthday- that can be celebrated b/c he’s perfect once again. The passing is always hardest on those of us left behind. We feel sick, grief, sadness, guilt, regrets, etc. It’s not in our control; we can, however, control our attitude and how we choose to view the situation. Be thankful for the time you had with your dad & remember the great times you shared, the stories you can share and know he’s at peace again. I pray you can be too as time passes. God bless you🙏

I sympathize. This is still so fresh for you. Give it time and the feelings will pass. You can't expect after so short a time to suddenly feel normal. While it's normal to see someone you love pass away, (it happens every day) it's not something a person can walk away from without a pain left inside you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel something. Give it time.

I thought I'd never get my mom's last days out of my head but eventually it became less and less. Now my brain won't let me go there. Instead I try to replace those sad memories with thanksgiving that she is in a better place where there is no pain.

You'll get there! HUGS

Rest in knowing that he didn’t have to suffer for months and years. To watch a parent die in slow motion is unbearable at times. It emotionally rips you apart as your hands are tied—there’s nothing you can do to eliminate their pain. Cherish good memories of him and allow yourself to heal from your loss.

Dear AvBeuhler....
This is horrible....and grief, shock, hurt, pain, all of it will be your new normal for some time....I strongly suggest you get yourself into a grief support from asap....Hospice usually offers excellent support during bereavement times in our lives.
I was present during the passing of my dear, sweet mother. She was everything to me, and I cannot live without her. And, yet, here I am, almost 4 years later. My reason for still being here in this world is Christ the Lord. If I wasn't saved by Him, I would have ended my miserable life....but, when one repents, turns away, from their sins, and put their 100% trust in Jesus Christ, there is a change, ok.
So, being a Christian I no longer belong to myself...but, I am His. He will call me to Heaven when it's time, according to His schedule, not mine.
But, grief is a Monster!! I immediately signed up at the hospice that helped us, and attended regularly the group grief meetings, until the Plandemic swept in and closed the doors.
Also, I recommend a book that my hospice gave out....its called, A Beginners Guide To Grieving....you know, I'm not sure if that title is accur

Oh dear...I accidentally sent in my answer....
This is for AvB....
The book I recommended is written by Jerusha Hull McCormack....
Sorry I somehow sent this too soon.
I will pray for you in your grief, AvB, as the Lord leads.
May His grace and peace be with your spirit. 💜🕊💜

Avbeuhler: I am so sorry for the loss of your father and send deepest condolences. Please know that there is no time limit on grieving. This is still very fresh in your mind. I hope that you know posters on this forum care. Please come back often for comfort.