My father died 2 days ago. It was a rapid decline after a fall at 89 years old (he had been on palliative hospice care for a few months). He fell Saturday night and his mobility was already a big issue. We kept telling him he had to stay in bed as his legs would no longer support him. When he fell he tore a large wound in his arm from wrist to elbow. When the nurse came Sunday to look at his wound and help redress it, they determined he should stop taking some of his meds as they were doing g more harm than good, mainly the blood thinner as it was causing him to bleed too much from the wound. He ate a good dinner Sunday night and by Monday morning he was losing his lucidity and was mostly sleeping. He managed to tell us he loved us on Monday and was aware we were there. Tuesday morning he was really out of it. They had increased his comfort meds a good bit as he was experiencing what they called terminal agitation. The nurse further reduced unnecessary meds as he was not able to swallow. Tuesday morning he managed to say “hurt”, “sick” and “don’t feel good” when we would try to talk to him. those were the last words he spoke. By noon that day he was completely unconscious, not even aware when I would give him his pain meds and Valium. By 2:00 his breathing became very erratic. Nurse came at 3 and we both noticed he was needing to be suctioned from his mouth as he kept getting this white frothy liquid. We suctioned and it would come right back. From that point on it was quick and he took his last breath at 4:22, pronounced at 4:24. I cannot get his last words out of my head and the visions of his last breath literally haunt me. I know it’s only been 2 days but just when I can feel a little normal I am back to having such horrible anxiety hearing those words and seeing that last breath. It makes me feel physically I’ll. How long does this awful feeling last? It’s so painful.
However, I still have dreams about Dad’s death but also have a peace about it bcuz I was his sole caregiver & did the best I could in a difficult situation. May you also find peace and know that you were there for your father🙏🏻
I went through a similar situation when my mom passed. While she didn't complain about being in pain, she told me she didn't feel "right". When we moved her from her recliner into her bedroom, she was in obvious discomfort, even being on morphine. We had to get her a chair to sit down on halfway there, and it's only about 20 feet total.
When she was going through the dying process, things happened to her body that, while being "normal", were very disturbing to watch.
All of this swirled through my head for weeks after. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my first thoughts were these images. The images would pop into my head often. I was to the point where I talked to my husband about going to grief therapy, because I couldn't control the thoughts once they were in the front of my mind.
BUT - then one day, it just stopped. Not the seeing the images in my mind; I don't know that they'll ever really go away completely; but the gut-churning, visceral reaction I was having to them. And they are no longer the only images I can conjure up when I think about mom; I can now picture her in my mind's eye when she was healthy and engaged, and not the shell of a woman she had unfortunately become in the last 18 months of her life.
Unfortunately, the only thing that "cures" this is time. It is still very early days for you; you're going to be dealing with this for a while. and expect it to get worse before it gets better - especially with the holidays coming up. But if it gets unbearable, do not have the slightest hesitation to seek grief counseling to help get you through the grief to the other side, which is peace and acceptance.
(((hugs)))
It passes and is eventually replaced with peace, but you do need to work on that, sometimes.
I was with daddy in the weeks prior to his passing and I had many long, beautiful hours holding his hand, talking (or not), but mostly singing to him. It was Christmas time, I was our church choir leader and I sang some lovely songs for him. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he was quiet. I feel so blessed to have been able to have that experience.
He had actively suffered for so long, watching him pass was a beautiful and VERY spiritual experience. All of us were there and he was surrounded by love. This wonderful man quietly left this world and went into the next. Only my YS who is not 'spiritual' at all fell apart and sobbed uncontrollably. The other 4 of us were tearful, but not beyond control.
We'd already lost my FIL just a few months ahead of this--so it was a year of change.
I would suggest trying to embrace the 'awful' if you experienced any--and then move on. Maybe with therapy if this finds you with too much grief to handle.
Some people get quickly swept up with other responsibilities. They do not "forget" their last memories of the loved ones and neither will you. The troubling memories do not leave, but gradually become less frequent and disturbing as other concerns arise.
What things would your father like to be remembered for? When you think of him, let these memories fill your mind to replace the disturbing memories you have now.
My father died over 6 years ago & I still remember the sound of his struggled breathing to this day. But, when my mind automatically goes to that memory, I immediately change the course of that thought over to a fond memory of him laughing at my kitchen table over a silly joke he'd told. Or another memory of him running after my son when he was a toddler. Something HAPPY to veer my thoughts away from something terrible. I'm sure he doesn't want to be remembered in the moments of his passing but in all the moments of his joyous life. So that is my suggestion to you: remember your dad in his happy times when your mind wants to remember his last moments.
Also keep in mind that most souls have already passed over to be with God by the time their bodies are taking their last struggled breaths (that WE are witnessing). They're already at perfect peace while we are the ones who are suffering.
Wishing you peace and acceptance as you process this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug.
No two experiences are the same.
While there is no easy way to grieve, I suggest:
* Surround yourself with beauty (flowers, walks in a garden or forest, park).
* Consider getting into grief counseling.
* EMBRACE the feelings vs 'trying' and 'wanting' to run away from them. It is painful. It hurts. If you need to be medicated to get through these feelings, do so.
- It is hard to be 'with' the feelings of grief. It can be excruciating.
* Running away from how you feel or wanting may intensify the feelings as they 'want to come out' and you are fighting (w yourself) wanting to push them away.
TIME HEALS. Trust that you will feel different through the grieving process.
Surround yourself with healing energy, people, light - while embracing the pain and grief. If you can, tell yourself that by embracing how you feel IS the highest honor you could bestow upon your dad. And, if you cannot do this, let this thought go. You need to do what you can to get through this grief.
Get support from friends, family, professional therapists trained in grief counseling.
I feel your pain and I send you deep condolences.
As is said "the only way out is through" - while this may not bring you any comfort, take a moment at a time. Not a minute, not an hour.
Be aware of and redirect (your awareness of) FUTURE TRIPPING.
Be present with where you are inside. This is how feelings transform, change. It is processing through by being with - In light and love, Gena.