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Hug to you and she has to GO!! Sorry Not Sorry
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I send you my love and support, and my own recently-found strength.
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Talk to an attorney about how to get her in a Al or NH. If she is stressing you out like this now, imagine what's going to be like when your husband is there all the time you have to take care of him and her. And maybe when he's home you should leave him alone with her for a little while so he can see what she's really like. My prayers are with you dear the only thing I can tell you is breathe, make sure you take time for yourself don't let her be your whole world cuz she's not. I know I'm not my children's whole world and I don't expect to be. God bless you dear take care.
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Man, I think we have a very similar situation at our house. Hate to say it but the only options you have are not great and will likely upset the mother in law and the husband but here it is: you must convince him that you just can't do this anymore. Caregiver burn out is real. He may want to take over for a while since he's retiring but see how he does with it, and talk to him about getting her some respite care. I am in process of that with my mom and yes her living with us has hurt our marriage quite a bit and still trying to work through that if it doesn't end up in divorce later on, will see. As far as being between the lines with finances also true here. She needs to put her money into the son's name if he is the only responsible heir. It's still her money but that's the only way to get qualified for the assistance she will need later on. Things can and will get worse. If there is resistance from the MIL or spouse or both on these issues. Honest discussion is the best thing with your husband. You may need a little "you" time to get your self away from the stress and then figure out what to do. This did happen quite a bit with my husband since he had to leave the house to let me take care of my mom and dad, dad passed about 2 years ago. Mom is going through the symptoms differently than my dad did and everyone is different in how they progress. My heart really goes out to you because I see it also in my own home how difficult it is to be a caregiver for a relative with dementia and how much it takes out of you mentally and emotionally. May blessings come your way.
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michelle7728 Jan 2023
Medicaid has a 5 year look back period. Putting money in someone else's name is probably not a good idea.
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I just reread your posting and it sounds as though you suspect your mother-in-law has dementia...........the Geriatric Psychiatrist can help her get a real diagnoses and refer her to any other doctors who might be able to offer professional insights.
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Dutifulntired: Your marriage is your priority. Perhaps your husband never should have moved his mother into your home. She will have to find alternate living arrangements before you fall over from exhaustion.
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Basically impossible. Sad as it is, you should consider alternatives.
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"Honey, I can't live like this. Put your mom in a care facility, and I'll be back when she's there. Love you so much, but it's her or me."

Then off you go to a friend, sister, residential hotel.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@TeethGrinder

This is why my man will not stay here. He comes by nearly every day but he will not stay here because he will not share a home with my mother. He's a good man and has let a lot slide with her over the years to keep the peace. He was as tolerant of her as he could be, but always limited his exposure to her. He also saw what moving back here and taking up her caregiving did to me and this he cannot forgive. He doesn't have to.
I choose him and our boy over my mother. I hope the OP's husband chooses her over his mother too.
This is why there can be no possibility of my mother living with us. She thinks she's moving with us and will be in for a very rude awakening when I go if she doesn't get over the nonsense denial and start accepting the help I put in place for her. I hope she will but I don't think so and in which case I am leaving the responsibility of her on my sibling's doorstep. I've had enough years of it.
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Take a two week vacation and leave it all to your husband to do for his Mother. He will understand better then. Maybe then he will sit down with you and figure out how her care will proceed. If this extended away time is not be possible-try at least four days away. Your husband needs to take care of her so many days a week and hire part time help other days. Or, liquidate all her assets and put her on a nursing facility waiting list now. They will take whatever income she has and leave so much for personal care items each month. Have a doctor evaluate her and ask if they can put on medication now. Maybe an antidepressant would help. It may help dull her out some, making her easier to be around her. It worked for my Mom during the time she was on them. Set boundaries and specific designated times that you will be around her. I would set up an area that she can fix her own breakfast and lunch-maybe a set up in her bedroom with a little refrigerator and microwave would be possible. Put prepared foods in the frig so she can warm them up. Put in a camera so she can be monitored. If she starts yelling for you, ignore her-unless she has fallen, and then call 911. Go on outings with your husband regularly and outings just for you. Join a gym, swimming club, book club, vineyard, take a walk every day, etc. Make yourself a priority first. Do fun things out of the house. Have several no cook nights a week, such as pizza or already prepared foods. Seriously, put your foot down now. Medication for you too might help in not caring so much about her narcissistic comments. I know how hard this is-we all do. Most of us make that mistake of moving them in because we have a big heart, not fully realizing how the care and their personality will be. If she only has periodic dementia or forgetfulness, sit her down and let her know how how you feel. Write it down first if you have to. Setting boundaries as to when you are available is vital for your sanity. I hope that your husband’s health improves and can be managed without much difficulty. He too needs to take responsibility for his health. Good luck with everything. Stay strong and live your live fulfilled with happy times.
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I've only had to deal with two true narcissists lately. One was my gallerist, but that was business and I was aware that I was pretending to allow the abuse so she could feel her importance. All okay because she wasn't family or a friend and I could laugh off her antics and share stories with the other artists in the gallery. And now I've moved on. But the hurtful person is my niece. Wow, did she ever cause destruction in the entire family with her wants and needs game. I had to eventually cut off communication with her in order to not be accepting her abuse. Your situation is more difficult because you have this person in your house all the time. You probably need to change that because you seem to be doing as she wishes and not taking care of yourself. It might take a total do over of your personality - "dutiful" - to make the situation work out for you. Find her another place to live.
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When I let my DH know that if he wanted his mother to live with us (some years ago now) and 'we' could care for her...I calmly said that HE could do so, I would leave. He called me selfish, ungrateful (?) petty, mean, all the great words that should have shut me down & made me kowtow to his ridiculous plan.

I stood my ground, he has never really forgiven me for not accepting a woman who hates me with all her heart into my home.

Because, the truth it, he can't stand her, but now that I have zero contact with her (and I mean ZERO) he has to step up occasionally and help out with her.

My 'presence', in fact, that I am ALIVE is irritating to her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I don't plan to even go to her funeral. She is not in my life.

But DH still brings it up--how selfish I am.

Narcs are a breed apart. You cannot win with one. Sad, but true.

I never hated her. I always wanted a decent relationship, but it had to come from me, 100% and she would decide if she would 'accept' me. Mostly, she wishes that cancer had taken me. And she told me that, in front of DH, who is so clueless he didn't even GET it when she said it.

IDK why she's like that. Or why ANY Narc is like that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Why on earth would he call you selfish about you not wanting to care for a woman who doesn’t care about you?

Thank God that you told him that you would leave first before taking her into your house. She would have made your life hell on earth.
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Hasn’t the OP, like Elvis, left the building?
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Seems like it! 😁

Some OP’s post, never show up! Lots of yada, yada, yada for nothing.
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First thing is to research the traits of a narcissistic person and get tips on how to deal with specific situations. Being very actively aware of that and using the tips provided will help you to take back control and stop being manipulated. Your husband needs you, you married him not his mother. He may also be blind to or unable to deal with her traits, show by example and arm him too. It is essential for your marriage in my opinion. You sound like a loving person, but remember you must love yourself first before there is a hope to truly love someone else. I wish you peace and joy, fellow carer
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