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Thanks for your responses. I will deploying the "worst enemies" quote :-) The hoard is more at the low hurricane stage than the call-the-authorities-stage-5- health hazard. My mother is breeding it upstairs where my father will never be able to see it. He has no idea.

They are generally competent though that's been trending down -- thank heavens for auto-pay on the bills! I have considered the ultimatum that I will no longer visit them at the house because it makes me depressed and anxious and I do not want the grandkids to remember them living that way. The idea does not sit well with me -- yet -- since it's a sort of emotional blackmail. A few more sleepless nights of worrying on my part and maybe I'll be ready to rethink my ethics.

I just don't understand their reluctance to move. They can afford to move to a nice home, above ground, and to live a vastly happier, more comfortable and more meaningful life than they are now. My father could get a motorized chair and go to the zoo with the grandkids. She could have a small home that is easier to clean and manage. That is not a typo. But they just go on living in the dark. They were both crying during a recent visit -- he is sad about his disease and she is sad because he is sad. Living the way they do does not help.
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Bok, you have described my situation with my folks also. We have dementia in dad and very limited mobility with mom, they refuse to move or have any help, even meals on wheels.

I've been watching this slow motion train wreck for years, waiting for the crisis/disaster that forces the issue. And I have been working barbs angle as well, trying to explain that it would be so much better if they made some choices now instead of the county doing god knows what.

No luck with that either. About 6 years ago I became the last surviving kid and was freaked out for about 4 years trying to get these guys to do anything that made sense.

I still worry. Something bad is going to happen but it's not my fault. And I don't lose much sleep anymore. Your parents and mine are in that no mans land of legal competency but practical incompetence. My Dad is refusing cataract surgery and will lose his sight. Nothing I can do.

Ya gotta grow a think skin and just ride it out. There is no easy solution for me, you and thousands of other worried caregivers. Good luck.
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bokbokbok, I had to wait for the catastrophe because my parents [in their 90's] refused to move or have a part-time caregiver, more so my Mom. Any time the telephone rang and it was their Caller ID, I had visions that someone had tumbled head first down the stairs. The stress was overwhelming.

One time I told my Dad a therapeutic fib hoping to get his attention. I told him if something happens to either him or Mom, I could be arrested for not taking care of them. I thought that would be an eye opener. Nope. My Dad said "I will hire a good lawyer".... [sigh].

Where's my helmet !!  [a helmet to wear while banging our heads against the wall]
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I'm also sorry you have to go through this. Many of us have had to go through something similar to varying degrees of impending catastrophe. If your parents are competent, they get to decide how they want to live, however difficult that makes it for bystanders who care about them. You just have to hope that the coming catastrophe isn't too dire.

Depending on how hoarded the house is, authorities might give them some ultimatums about cleaning it up, but that's a pretty serious way to go that could result in them being evicted if it's unfit to live in.

Do you do a lot for them? If so, you could consider stopping that help to force them to consider moving, but again, that's a hardball way to go.

With my mom, her impending catastrophe was her inability to manage her medications. She was already living in an independent living facility and was more and more forgetful. I had to wait until she wound up getting clots in her foot because she forgot her Coumadin (blood thinner) for 3 days. We wound up in the ER and then to a vascular surgeon. At that point (I was doing a LOT for her), I said that was it, that I was getting in help. She knew I'd had it and didn't fight me any more. she turned out to love the folks who came in to give her the meds 2X a day - go figure. But until she wound up in the ER, she was stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

My heart goes out to you! I know of no magic words to get your folks to comply. Come here to vent - we get the frustration you're experiencing.
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Some people, to quote my very intelligent mom, are their own worst enemies. It's a phrase you should remember and quote to folks who tell you that you should "do something".

You can call APS and the local Area Agency on aging. They can assess and make recommendations, but they can't force help upon folks who don't want it.

If you're parents are competent, they get to make their own choices.

Something I'm told sometimes works is

" Mom, Dad, either you play ball with me to arrange care here at home or, if you wont, I'm going to have to walk away and report all this to the local authority. They may well come in and take guardianship of you, send you to a facility far away from here so, you can have strangers making decisions about your care, or you can have me. It's your choice ".

It's a tough choice to make. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.
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