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Also, I no longer fear flying in planes after what I have seen my mom go through, and so many other relatives.
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Absolutley!!! First thing is to clarify your wishes through advance directives/loving will. I am very clear that I do not want dialysis or feeding tubes or a life filled with frequent hsopitalizations. After being on the other side of rhe bedrails, I exercise, swim 1/2 mile do yoga and find health care providers (NP, MD) who are very competent, caring and current and mostly 30 years younger than me.
I do all recommended preventive test and immiunizations. I cultivate friendships and family relationships that are adult and reciprocal. I am active in church, community and professional groups. I have been an active YMCA member. I am deeply spiritual and connected to nature and the belief that all is temporary and constantly changing. I trust in myself and ability to handle life with a can-do, nonworrying nature. I feel a lot of agency about my own life, the result of sheer will and belief that I totally accept responsibility for my life. I am very grateful for all around me and enjoy every moment. The biggest lesson? People regret more of what they don t do than what they do. Tomorrow is not promised, I am in the living room, not waiting room of life. Last few years I have made special effiort to try new things: helicopter ride, paddleboarding, talked 6 friends into zip lining, travel. I am trying to understnad others and listen more. I actively engage others of all ages as we need community to make it. Learning to graciously and gratefully acceot help is also a skill.
Saying THANK YOU, I love you, I am sorry, are among life's most underused words. I try to be kind and appeciate that we re all aging( if we are fortunate, as many do not have the opportunity.
My parents also taught me to not allow others to do things that I should be doing for myself in life.
I have a tremendous curiosity about the world and love to learn new things. There is joy and beauty in every day.
I also live simply and well below my means, and have the resources to travel.
If you do not pay attention to YOUR health, you will be spending all your money and time with the broken medical system.
I have devoted my GNP/ANP career to making health care better for older persons, after over 40 years in nursing, there is a far way to go.
Ageism is rampant; do not accept substandard care or condescending attitude. I have used the Zoc doc app to find excellent providers.
I treasure older persons and love their stories and courage. My Mom lived to 99 and was able to be in her own home until the last 7 months.
Read Victor Frankel's book, Man s Search for Meaning. One of his observations in the concentration camps was that those who helped others survived longer...
Kathleen D., Brooklyn, NY
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Segoline Jun 2019
Also read Being Mortal.

And 60 is not the new 30. It never was.
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I have taken care of my now 95-year old Mom for 2 years. She really started to decline a year ago. She now has a few days to live, from the best we/hospice can tell. She had aphasia. She took two meds — for his blood pressure and Plavix. She refused to take anything else.

I am in agreement it’s you. This has been a grueling process. I have said many times, I would much rather die of a heart attack....
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I get myself to the doctor sooner than later. But I've always been proactive about my health.
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For me, the following

No DNR
NO DNI
NO FEEDING tube
No dialysis

When I cannot toilet myself
When I have lost my faculties

As you can see, it has seriously affected me.
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I view aging differently insomuch as I don’t plan to do it.
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Beatty Jun 2019
Just make sure you let Mother Nature know to skip you ;)
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Like some of the other writers, I try to take care of myself first by exercising the body to stay physically healthy and the brain to delay possible dementia. Doing both things is good for the brain, research is showing.
At 76, I am power of attorney for a 92 year old friend of mine and he keeps telling me the only thing I need to do is live as long as he does. He's in a memory care apartment, but physically healthy. I am in charge of his health and finances as he has no children or close relatives.
We never know what role we may be called upon as we age. Helping others is a priority in my life and has always been. My wife and I made our home so we could "age in place" as one option.
It is not only important to serve others, it is important to be served when the time comes where you might need it. We have no idea what that might look like. We have two distant, young grand-children who may have a role or opportunity should our needs require outside care. While we are here, we can love them--which helps nurture their souls--and perhaps they will be able to return that love later if we need loving care.
Seeing to my friend's care is not a burden to me. It is an opportunity to serve. Since he is healthy, there is little I need to do except visit every week and pay the bills and check on how he is doing. The place I found for him gives excellent care and, if needed in the future, I would gladly live there, too.
I pay attention to what my doctors tell me and they have saved my life 3 times now. I feel like they are part of "my team" to keep me going so I can help others.
I do pray for guidance to do the best job in caring for my friend and I am so thankful for the love and guidance I have been given in my life by so many others: parents, grand parents, neighbors, teachers, friends and strangers. That makes it easier to reach out to others in need and pass it on.
And should I need such care myself, I hope I can be thankful and gracious in receiving it. That makes the giver's experience a more positive one, too.
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ImageIMP Jun 2019
I'm sorry but I don't think it's fair to "plan" on younger family members taking care of you... I don't know that your "distant grandchildren" would consider it a privileged opportunity to take care of you... It's wonderful you have such a loving and generous capability, but the reality is that most times the reality is that it's only a matter of necessity and not any real choice to end up as a caretaker... I wouldn't wish that on anyone...
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Yes it has. I thought I would ask for help now before I end up really hurting myself. because I'm fast becoming unable to cook and clean. Have appealed for help but am denied assistance. They act like if you can still do your shopping, you can't possibly need help with cleaning or cooking - not to mention the heavier chores I can no longer do outside. What do you do when you have no one to help and no one listens, including the doctor?
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
My cousin hired neighbors or coworkers through the years, to get the help she needed. I had worked for an elderly neighbor myself, who had dimentia (daughter hired me). I just cleaned-up, made meals, took dog out, & helped lady dress for daycare trips. Hope you find someone nice.
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It is not about us but G-d (of Israel) our Creator. He is the giver of life, not us. Of course we all ask questions as you brought up, but it is perspective. You were blessed your mother was of sound mind, BUT even if she wasn't G-d is at work, probably more then, than any other time in her life. He is preparing her and us for what is to come. That is eternal life with Him.....I took care of mom 7 years. She passed away then brought back with first responders, fell often, had 100 percent blockage in the end. I fought for her and I am being blessed now as she is with our Creator. You did right! Be blessed!
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Arleeda Jun 2019
Some of us don't believe as you do, and I frankly can't imagine anything worse than eternal life. I just want to be non-existent, as I was before I was born, That worked out just fine.
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I never considered it until I had to begin watching my dad deal with dementia. Now my plan is to not grow old. I am actively looking for something to shorten my life and am putting my eggs in the basket of assisted suicide. Real suicide is also an option if it gets to that point. I will not go through this.
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Arleeda Jun 2019
Let us who don't live in areas that support assisted suicide know what you find.
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I wasn't caregiver for my mother - my sister was -- and at the time of Mama's respiratory distress in the throes of her initial hepatic coma, she and I were the only ones at the hospital. When the nurse appeared and insisted that a breathing tube be installed, I looked at my sister (who had medical POA) and reminded her that Mama had stated many times that she wanted nothing to do with extraordinary lifesaving measures -- yet under pressure from the nurse, my sister caved. Mama emerged from her coma after experiencing a near-death vision, and chastised my siblings for not letting her go. And she lived 7 more years wheelchair-bound and depending on someone else for her every need. To boot, the medication keeping her liver enzymes in check caused constant diarrhea. Needless to say, her life quality was poor, and it was very sad to witness.

These days I am caregiver to my 82-year-old husband, 8 years my senior, who suffers from dementia is losing mobility due to almost complete inactivity, and is becoming more and more reclusive daily. I have made certain that he and I both have in place living wills, medical powers of attorney, and a printed state form that reinforces our no-extraordinary-measures wishes. While I remain completely active and capable, I know there are no guarantees, and this whole process is indeed taking its mental toll on me. While I don't feel either of us should resort to suicide, I do very strongly believe that Mother Nature is far more reliable than medical practitioners who strive to prolong life at any cost.
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I look at aging as a way of getting better. I stay active as a way to keep from being dependent on anybody. If you can prevent yourself from getting really, really sick, please do so. Otherwise you may not have anyone to care for you when you're older. That's how I view aging.
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ImageIMP Jun 2019
Hmmm... I don't know what's better, except when retired I can sleep in later? (Which is a wonderful thing since I'm a "night person" and have spent most of my life sleep-deprived trying to work "regular hours" and fit in with the mainstream) Of course people try to prevent getting really really sick, but it's not all a matter of choice...? I just know I sure felt better when I was 50 and under!
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Remember this moment: Maine Governor Janet Mills has just signed the Maine Death with Dignity Act into law!
With the Governor’s signature, Maine became the 9th jurisdiction to allow people with a terminal illness to die the way they want: without suffering, in peace, and with dignity. Nearly 70 million Americans now live in a state with an assisted dying option.
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robinsoul Jun 2019
I understand this is also true in Washington State.
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The Biographer, I also joke around with my son. I would never up and do something without his knowledge. I do not believe my demise would do him any more harm than watching me become someone he never knew. My mother has become mean, sarcastic, tells me she hates me and that I'm stupid, says other even more horrible things to me, believes I am trying to kill her and on and on. This is how I'm going to remember my mother. Not doing that to my kid.

Foxxmolder, sorry you experienced the pain of a loved one's suicide. That is not this. And there is no grand lesson in taking care of someone like I'm doing, other than don't ever take it on in the first place. Just keeping it real.
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This question had my attention so much that I spent close to the full time talking about it with my therapist.
Something he shared with me:
What we say we want when we are younger thinking about being older, is not the same as what we want once we become that age. The human soul, mind, body, brain, etc. has a HUGE desire to stay alive. It is not something you can do about it. An example of this is being a young adult and listening to one's parents lecture about credit rating, what insurance to buy, or maybe how a particular person might not be the best match based on something they notice. At that age you PROMISE, you SWEAR, you YELL and SCREAM to anyone who will listen that you will NEVER say any of these things to your own children. Yet.....fast forward 25 years and you find yourself doing, saying, etc. the EXACT things you promised you would NEVER say or do. We do not have the ability to know circumstances, thoughts and feelings of us decades later. When we are young we have youth, fitness, great memory, etc. When we are at the end of our lives we have wisdom of 80 or 90 years of life on earth. The cycle of life is different for everyone. I can only ask everyone on here to communicate, love, share, give hope, and so many other things we have to offer today as we do our best to plan for our futures.
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TaylorUK Jun 2019
I considered for a long time on whether to answer this or just let it go - we are all entitled to our own opinions after all, and we are here for support and to support others. But I am a more than a little perturbed by your therapist. Firstly I do not consider that it is a therapist's job in any way to give their point of view or to try and lead one in a given way, so I would be very wary of seeing one who told me what a situation was. Also I disagree that we all promise we will not pass on advice to our children when we receive it. I suppose it depends on whether once consider's people offering advice have more experience, certainly I never made such promises. Perhaps this ties up to some level with your comment on at 80 or 90 we have wisdom, if those in the 20s accepted those of 80 had wisdom (assuming they still have their cognitive faculties) perhaps they would not be making the promises not to pass their own onto their children - it would be interesting to know if those who in their 20s make those promises because they cannot conceive of the wisdom of the advice, make better or less good carers to the elderly - something some university or medical establishment will no doubt at some point research so they can endow us with their perceived wisdom.
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I just pray I can be kind to those that are there to help me.
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azilmedia Jun 2019
Amen to that!
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I'm Debby, age 65. My mother passed away in 2017 at the age of 87. She did live with me for 3 years until I could no longer provide care due to needing knee replacement surgery.

Realizing the type of care often required for an elderly individual, I have a long-term care plan. I intend to remain in my 2 bedroom condo instead of moving into an assisted living. The long-term care plan gives you the option of home care.

I also watched my mother wither away and tried to keep her spirits up. While she was able, I'd take her out for meals and provided a scooter for her to feel as though she had some independence. But eventually she became bedridden and spent the last few years as a patient in a nursing home which greatly distressed her.

I can only hope my remaining time towards the end of life is not a long downward spiral into becoming bedridden.
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Being a caregiver, I see death almost every day. Some client's beg to die, others fight to the end. I know that one day, I will die -and I pray I have the dignity to do that gracefully. Being a caregiver, I'm sometimes the only one with them. Watching that is painful, but it's made me realize I'm not here forever, no matter how much time you think you have. At bedtime, my client & I pray, I kiss her cheek, & I tell her; "play with the moonbeams, dance with the stars, safe journey." I've learned that GOD does not give us our loved one's, - he LOANS them to us. But when he calls that loan due, he will gather our treasure that's only on LOAN, and he will take us home. Death is one reality none of us can avoid.
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DARtree Jun 2019
So eloquently and thoughtfully written!
I am not a caregiver, but I did get trained and certified so I could help my parents out. My mom broke her hip in 2016 and did not receive even average care at the SNF. Once home she lived 15 months and spent 6 weeks on home hospice. After the poor care my mom received in two facilities, my dad, myself and a most beautifully intuitive, experienced, kind and patient caregiver did our best to get my mom up in her wheelchair, to the commode, the dining room for meals, outside for sun, in the den for nighttime TV, all up until 4 days before she passed.
The caregiver my mom had while on home care was answered prayer. The glue that bound us together through the mess of recovery and sadly, death.
Thank you for what you do, for your dedication to not just the patient but to the family dynamics!
My dad and I still make plans and visit with my mom’s caregiver,
though my mom has passed almost a year.
Good nights and I live yous were always in the equation at the end of the night.
When my mom was sent home from hospital with fast growing tumor that metastasized to her brain... the caregiver made her schedule more available to my mom’s needs. Four days before my mom passed she needed to be cleaned up a little and cool cloths placed on her. By this time my mom was in some pain and didn’t want to be touched. I couldn’t do it alone and my dad is too old at this point. The caregiver stopped by after her overnight job to help me clean up my mom each morning until my dear mom passed.
I know caregivers do not get paid their worth and that is truly tragic!
God bless you and keep you.
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I am a different person that I was 20 years ago I never understood that death can be kind .....to watch someone grasp ahold of every little peice of the sheer will to live ,only to suffer in pain longer ,gasping for air ,
not able to move without assistance, or not lift a cup to their own mouth,forgetting how to swallow ,the loss of dignity. Im a different person today ,I know in my heart that our bodys break down just like an old car,but our spirit lives on so Yes death can be kind..






..
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I didn't feel old until maybe last year. Realize I need to combat it with more exercise, but I'm stuck in a rut right now. Also wish I could meet a companion or mate, but I don't feel attractive anymore. My own hangups about aging I guess. For me, loneliness is the worst thing about aging, (& I never knew how irrelevant I would feel as a senior
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ImageIMP Jun 2019
Tiger, I completely understand... I too wish I had a companion, and frankly, my Mom was my life partner after living together for 20 years... It's hard when virtually all your friends are paired up - there are times you just feel like the famous fifth wheel - the old 3's a crowd thing! There are things that you can do by yourself, but why? They just aren't fun that way... I understand! I don't feel attractive and confident about finding someone either... It's hard!
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Well... After going through the Hell of the final two years of my Mom's "Golden Years" - rehab centers, hospitals/surgeries, nursing homes - I am frankly terrified... I will be 70 in a few months... All I can say is that is there is any possible way for me to prevent it - and I mean this seriously, and don't want to hear about "religious convictions" - I will not end up in a nursing home, memory or not, being diapered, toileted/butt wiped, eating horrid food, and at the mercy of CNA's who might - or might not - care or be good at their job. (Don't get me wrong - I could never do their job, and bless them for being able to, but if I can help it I don't plan to be in a position to avail myself of their skills...). I'm not terrified of dying - I'm terrified of being forced to live beyond what really living means to me...
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debbye Jun 2019
Ditto. That's exactly the issue.
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I plan on traveling as much as I can while I can. When I can’t travel anymore I’m going to get a dog to keep me company and give me something to think about. I’m going to try to keep from arguing with and fighting with my kids. I’m going to try to be happy and active for as long as I can. What my dad is doing is not a life worth living.
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Familyslave Jun 2019
If you can't travel, then you might not be safe out walking a dog 3 times a day. Even if you have a fenced yard for the dog to poop in, they need more exercise and stimulus than they get just being in the house or in a yard with no playmates. A cat is a much better pet for older adults, and it's better for all involved.
My parents have been in denial about their limitations for the last 25 years. When they were 68 and 70 respectively, they got a Rottweiler puppy, who they were unable to walk or take to the vet when he got old enough to need more assistance. They also bought a house that had been lived in by another elderly woman who'd died, so the house was very poorly maintained. They were unable to keep up with the maintenance and decided to deny all issues with the house. The upper half of their double oven has not worked since they moved in 22 years ago and there are plumbing and electrical issues throughout.
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All POAs are in order, estate is locked up in a trust. DNRs are filled out. Both children have copies of everything. Originals are in safe deposit box along with list of accounts and passwords. Children are also on the safe deposit box with us. They know where to find the key. All vehicle titles and other important documents are also in there. Cremation is prepaid. After moving MIL in with us and cleaning out her house it was a treasure hunt to find all of her important documents, many hidden in strange places, some in her desk, stuck in her drop ceiling, stashed in old purses and coat pockets, did not want to put my kids thru this. Also have a life insurance policy that will help pay for in home caregiving or assisted living. What isn't used is left for the estate. Don't want to put my kids thru the stress of being a caregiver. I think I've aged 20 years in the past 2 I've been taking care of MIL. Don't want that for my children or grandchildren, hence preplanning and decluttering. Keep, pitch, donate. (Take donate and drop off asap so you're not tempted to pick thru it again) surprising how much crap one accumulates over th he years that you really don't need.
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Isthisrealyreal Jun 2019
Kudos! That's how it's done.

We are doing the junk removal now and have all our papers in order.
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I won't leave anything to others for deciding on what I want. I will make my wishes loud, clear and in writing, well before I need it.
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Tiger,
I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. May she Rest In Peace.
It is difficult to watch and go through someone dying. I’m glad her suffering (and yours) is over.
Hugs 🤗
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anonymous828521 Jun 2019
Thanks SueC, I'm very numb still, but my logical side agrees with you totally: hers & my suffering now over. Strange 'gap' is there though, & time is absolutely dragging by lately. (Don't know what to make of that)?
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Though there are some here who have very specific written instructions, and have planned or prepared well, I'm surprised at how many are just "vowing" not to be a burden to children or not to live past the time that their mental capacity is diminished. Does everyone really not recognize that those with dementia don't know their mental capacity is diminished (and getting worse)?
The LO's we're all caring for now also swore they'd never be a burden, but they don't know they are a burden, probably because family members don't tell them AND because they have dementia and things just don't make sense anymore.
To someone who has been lost to dementia or Alzheimer's everything is frightening, change is frightening, and they've got a white-knuckled grip on life. Letting go isn't really even in the cards when you reach that point.
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Abby2018 Jun 2019
I understand what you are saying.....but those of us who do not want to be burdens to our children or society in general, our goal is not to wait until it gets to the point of no return. And, also keep in mind, many of us have parents who expect to be taken care of by their children. Parents who have made little to no planning financially, medically, or even the thought of downsizing to a manageable level. My parents are 89 and 90....I am 69. As our elders are aging, so are the children. Many of us are just not equipped with either the time or the resources to deal with the demands and challenges required to properly care for a LO with dementia. This is why we "vow" never to put our children through what we are now experiencing.
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Lots of mention of assisted (or not assisted) suicide on this thread. Understandably there are those opposed for moral/religious reasons.
Thought this was an interesting take;

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve

(hope it's okay to post a link)
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metoo111 Jun 2019
I read that article...how interesting that she made it such a known quantity and a family affair. No doubt it was hard on her family to know that she was making that decision. Hearing about her "pre-funeral" was helpful...a good idea so that everyone has a chance to say their goodbyes. How sad that she wasn't able to remember so many of the good times that were shared during that time.

If I have the difficult choice to make like this woman did, I can see following her path.
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It has made me realize how important my parents are to me and to appreciate what I have in the moment. I understand what is to come, so I am trying to make sure I experience what I have.
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freqflyer Jun 2019
Welcome to the forum, Logan. It will be good to get a grandson's eye-view of caregiving.
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I don't approach aging. It approaches me.
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Heart2Heart Jun 2019
That was exactly what I was going to write...
Caregiving is exhausting and time waits for no one...
We don't foresee into the future ... and, all of a sudden... some of the Best years of our youth are gone... (which includes our dreams, opportunities, desires, visions, happiness...)
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My husband & I have pre-planned. He used his in Dec., 2010. My plot is beside him, but I will not be "laid to rest" there. I have changed my plans; I have chosen cremation. A very quiet, subdued, 1 hour visitation, by invitation only, closed casket. I have chosen my daughter & my brother, who is now my caregiver, to push the button to start the cremation process. My obit., which I've written myself, will be posted two weeks after my death. I will be using my pre-planned, but there will be a few thousand left, because of the choices I've made. My brother will be the benefactor of these funds. I've talked with them, & the mortuary, everything is in place; all they need to do is make one phone call. I've tried to make it as easy as possible on both of them. As a caregiver myself,(50 plus years) I've watched families go into "greed" mode - happens more than you'd believe - literally fighting at the service, or graveside over what they perceive to "be theirs." It turns my stomach, but they see nothing wrong in what they do or say over their loved one's body. Sometimes, I wish that dead body would raise up and tell all of them to go straight to hell.!! If it's not given, they will literally steal it, because it's now "their" property. For me, I have already distributed everything I had in the world, including my home. Gave it to my brother, and I now live with him. My daughter suggested this, but she knows she will always have a home there, if needed. I'm looking forward to my new journey, to seeing my husband, & 3 grandchildren in heaven. I can see him waiting, hands reaching for mine. Oh, what a glorious time is waiting for me. Death, to me, is a time to celebrate one's life, to remember the good times, laughter, the joy of knowing your loved one will have no more pain, worries, no heartaches. If tears are shed, make them tears of happy.
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SueC1957 Jun 2019
What a marvelous and refreshing view you have of death! In my mind it is the cessation of the physical body, allowing the soul to be free.
It’s hard on those left behind because we only can communicate in physical form and there is no “intermingling” between the two worlds. But no pain, only peace sounds like a great ending.
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