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Here at nursing home, to visit my 85-year-old mom. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a year ago, and has declined very quickly. She has only been in a facility for for about 6 weeks and has had 3 falls, that all involved going to ER. She hardly is awake, and has eyes closed, most of time even if she is. She can’t feed herself now, can’t walk, can’t sit up by herself. Hospice was started a week ago. I know that she would never want things this way if she would have had a crystal ball a few years back.


Her quality of life is not hopeful at all. I can hardly stand watching her wither away to nothing. Her frail body under 85 lbs. I question my faith and don’t understand how this is nothing but inhumane and don’t even get me started on the “dignity” topic.


I’ve already went through the grieving process of her death since she isn’t really my “mother” anymore. I am an empath, and I can’t take this anymore. I’m always the strong one in the family, trying to keep everyone together and inside I’m falling apart from watching my mom go through this. Just posting this to vent and not be judged. Hoping that sharing my true feelings will at very least, be of comfort to anyone struggling with the same type of situation with a loved one.

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I hear you. It’s just awful.

Dementia is definitely NOT fair.

It’s long goodbye.

A particular kind of torture, for the patient, and for the rest of the family.

Watching the decline is maddening and depressing.

You are in good company here, for sure. We understand the agony of this disease.

Anytime you need to vent, we are here.
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I totally understand. It was the same with my mom. It was excruciating to watch, and it is a good time to question what faith does for us and for the patient. I came to conclusions. I'm now much in favor of death with dignity.

Her condition helped me to concentrate on doing other things for her besides sitting at her bedside, which wasn't at all productive. She didn't know who I was for about the last 3 years. We had wonderful help and mom was in her home (mistake; I'd never do that again). When I went there, I'd sit and visit with her aide (whose job wasn't easy, and she welcomed the company). She'd update me on things they needed and mom's condition. I'd help her with whatever, such as laundry or cleaning up.

Then I commenced cleaning out the garage, the attic, drawers, the accumulation of 70 years. I sorted it all. I arranged for charities to pick up things. I made phone calls on mom's behalf, since I dealt with the banks and business issues. So I was there and helping but not sitting and doing nothing while mom wasted away.

I'd suggest that you spend less time in your mom's presence. Go do something that is FOR her, not WITH her. That seems to be what's needed now. It's also better for your state of mind.
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Hothouseflower Aug 2023
Excellent advice.
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I understand what you are going through. It is inhumane.

Wishing you peace.
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(((HUG)))
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We all understand. It is so true that it is the long goodbye...or more likely the "too long goodbye". My father was always the life of the party. Too loud and always laughing. His last few years he was in his own little bubble. Most of his own making. Refused hearing aids so his world got smaller. Friends/relatives were dying off or dealing with their own aging issues. The daughter (me) that he ignored all her life for those friends/relatives was not interested in being the center of his world now that he had no one else. It was hard to see the shell of the person he was. I say he lived 2-3 years past his expiration date. He was good until 90-91 but after that he was no longer living, just existing.
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It's not fair. ((((Hugs)))).
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<(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
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Malcolm Fraser, former Australian Prime Minister famously said, "life wasn't meant to be easy".

It's part of being human to feel pain, feel sadness, to mourn.

Sad times arrive.
But will be endured.
Thoughts of strength to you.
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Oh gosh, please don’t be concerned about anyone judging you. You are most certainly welcome to vent on this forum.

I agree with you that when our family member’s health declines to a point where they don’t have any quality of life left, we do begin our grieving process.

It was agonizing for me to watch my once vibrant mom become a mere shell of who she once was.

There aren’t any words that I could possibly say to take your pain away.

I totally understand that you are questioning your faith. When I was going through my caregiving days for my mom, I questioned my faith on a daily basis.

I admit that I questioned God. I would ask, “Why God, are you allowing this suffering to continue?”

It’s impossible to make sense of horrific human suffering. I don’t know anyone who can explain these situations and find justification in such an existence. Of course, it isn’t fair.

People can babble all sorts of nonsense but they don’t know what it is like until they go through it themselves. So, please ignore anyone who would judge you. Your feelings are perfectly understandable.

You have shown continual love and support to your mother. It is time for you to do whatever you need to do for yourself. I believe that is what your mother would want.

My mother did not want to live as long as she did. She suffered horribly towards the end. My mother was a skeleton with flesh on it. It’s frightening to see someone deteriorating before our eyes.

You’re right, your mother would not have chosen this for herself either. No one wants to wither away like she is.

I am so sorry that you are in such pain.
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