Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Have you ever tried to explain it to him in the same detail as you did here? Of course, the conversation needs to take place when you are not feeling overwhelmed and agitated. Just start it off with - remember when your mom was sick and everyone stepped in to help....that's what I need.

As a side note, be careful that if he does step up to the plate that his way of doing something will not be exactly the same way you do it. If you correct him or micro manage his effort you're going to lose any ground you might have gained. Don't ask him to do anything that he really didn't do for his own mom. Think back to tasks he handled back then and don't go beyond that. The others in his family might have handled things that he didn't do.

If he's just not going to participate, he's not and you have to accept it. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear and you'll only aggravate yourself more if you try.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I'm going to repeat what some of the others have said...your husband may have a hard time doing anything for your mom because of how she treats you. NOTHING made my husband more angry than when my mom would mistreat or criticize me, or run me ragged with her demands, even when she honestly couldn't help it *sometimes* (dementia). I learned not to use him as a venting board with my frustrations, because I would forgive her far more quickly than he would.

And also as some suggested, try making a list of SPECIFIC things he could help you with. My husband is smart, can easily figure out what to do with a million dollars at work, but at home/grocery store he can be lost as a goose over what he needs to do! Another thing, your husband might need a list of PHYSICAL things to do that don't involve emotions. A phone call to a mom, in my opinion, is very emotionally based. My husband would never, ever phone my mom but he would cut her grass in the heat of the day without one complaint. Your husband might be the complete opposite, so think about how he's wired.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
elaineSC Apr 2020
Excellent response! Your suggestion of him doing something physical is exactly what my husband did. He would run an errand or even drive my parents to an appointment since Mom was in a wheelchair and Dad had a handicap van for her. But, he never wanted to call or do emotional type things. He told me he loved my parents but if I needed to vent frustrations, he did NOT want to hear it. But as I have had time to reflect, what you described fit him perfectly.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
Don't expect your husband to help a lot with your mother. She's an adult and hopefully is in good enough shape to make decisions on how she wants to live. You don't talk much about her situation. Is she living independently or in a senior home? Is her health both physical and mental still good? You should also not beat yourself up over her. Do what you can to help her. If it's more than you can handle, try to get help from social workers, and discuss assisted living. Don't ruin your marriage or your own health over her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

My dad died last year at 91 after a difficult illness that lasted about a year. My brother and I tried to do the full time at their home caregiving, but it got to be too much. Dad decided to move to AL, and he was actually on Medicare hospice while there as well. Mom, 91, has mixed dementia, with no short term memory at all. She is now in memory care. I visit 1-3 times a week, but not recently due to the COVID lockdown.

My husband is not very willing to listen to anything I need/want to say. He did his bit when he was in his 30's and 40's, working full time at a very demanding job, plus managing the care of his 90 year old father. Dad lived in a 6 bedroom, 4 bath house on 3 floors (which we had to clean out ourselves.) That became unfeasible and eventually he moved to AL. But there were numerous calls and emergency trips for driving incidents, medical catastrophes, falls. TrIp to the hospital every 3 weeks, we could count on that. Dad finally passed away in hospice care, but the caregiving took a toll on spouse's career. Did I mention, he also had some shared caregiving responsibilities for his 100 year old grandmother? So I reflect that my spouse has done his bit and doesn't want to hear any more old people complaints.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Your husband sees how your mother treats you and as such, probably would not want to do anything for her, though I could be incorrect.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

“I've shared ALL of my frustrations with my husband over the years, and when I completely break down...”

Good grief honey, please do not do this to him anymore.
And unless he is an exception to the general rule, he is not going to be calling a
”manipulative, narcissistic, negative”
matriarch wannabe on the telephone for you or for anyone else and I don’t blame him.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Being one of a big team of rellies caring for someone lovely VS being the only one caring for someone difficult.
Quite different I'm sure you'd agree!

I am also 'the only one'. I had expectations that my sister would help (sigh) but that just left me disappointed. Like others, my DH has limits. Will lift wheelchairs, buy groceries, move furniture, fix tech problems but not a willing sit & visit or phone call guy.

If I WAS one of many to share it around I would probably still be more hands-on. But I burnt out, suffered compassion fatigue & stepped back instead. It was just too much physically, mentally & emotionally for one. Try to avoid this hole to then dig out of.

OK 'Matriarch' you want to be the Boss? A world leader? Then lead your own world of caregivers. Become your own boss of your own staff. Too harsh???
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Continued.. I got knocked off the internet when posting my answer. I would suggest to your mother that you could draw up a care plan and include whatever things you may want, a DPOA for both legal and medical care and financial . A will that spells out how anything your mother owns will be gifted.. A Medical Directive covering how she'd like things to be handled regarding her health. A pourover Will that can be used to handle property or money still held in a bank you didn't know about, or property that was put in storage and forgotten about.
I have stopped driving by my own volition approximately 6 weeks ago. I've had the long discussion with my DW and Adult children as to what I do and don't want in terms of medical care. My income is turned over to my DW to continue helping to keep things going for the family.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I am beginning to think the problem is with me and not the laptop.
Sorry. I would approach your Fiance and tell him just how you want him to assist you in executing this care plan. Now, if he isn't willing to get onboard together with you as if you are one, you may want to consider whether this is a relationship worth going on with.

My DW and I have never had an argument. Not while dating, engaged or married. We started practicing our faith together from the time we started dating and were married almost 24 years ago.
Our children have never been able to turn the tables on us. Our first question has always been what did mom say, or what did dad say. Ask yourself what you want, then ask fiance if he will not only agree to the plan or will it only be talk without any action. My DW and I have always picked up the load together. I keep doing all I can around the house, yes, somethings I can't do like I once did. I cannot be trusted to operate the stove or oven by myself. There is no reason I can't vacuum the house, wash and dry dishes, cut the grass, some things are difficult because of disabilities, but my DW understands what I can't do. We are one, I hope your fiance will become one with you. I hope this is helpful.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I do not know if my experience is at all helpful: but I, too, had a horrible relationship with my mother much of my life, and our relationship is dramatically different now.

The key for me has nothing to do with my mom and everything to do with me: I learned my boundaries, I set my limits, I attend to my emotions, I don't put myself in situations I am not comfortable.

I did not learn these skills growing up with an abusive mother; that was on me to develop. And it remains on me to be mindful of everyday. I see her daily. If she is ugly, she gets a warning ("That wasn't very nice.") and if it happens again I leave. Sometimes I make an excuse ("I've gotta get back to work, call if you need anything."). Sometimes I am direct ("Now isn't a good time for me to be here. I'll come back when you are feeling better."). I am very careful to never lose my temper - which is not that hard because I'm always watching my feelings about the situation.

I say these things because there was something about the story of the phone call your husband didn't make that made me wonder how necessary that call really was. I apologize if it was, indeed, a critical call. But, knowing boundaries can be skewed if you grew up in abuse, it is possible that call wasn't necessary at all.

These are hard skills to develop, and they take time. But, in my experience, once you see things clearly and set boundaries for yourself, it will be much easier to work with your husband as your partner in your mom's care.

He is clearly willing. He just might not see the same urgency of tasks as you do. Perhaps his perspective is healthier. Perhaps he can guide you. If so, listen to him.

Learn how to decide what is needed now, what can be done later, what can be outsourced to a hired person, what he can/needs/wants to do, and what you can/need/want to do. It is a skill that will serve you well.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter