My parents moved in with me last year. I work full time but they expect 3 me to cook fresh meals every day. MY mother tries to help, but she is not doing well herself. The problem is my dad expects to be waited on constantly. He is not very mobile right now but he has been conditioned to be waited on all his life by my mom. When we were younger and at home we were expected to do so as well. My mom is still trying to do it, but not able to. I tell him to help himself, but he claims that he cannot do it as he is old and has mobility issues from extreme arthritis.
This is really driving me crazy and I am just barely hanging on.
Clearly, this situation is not working. Caregiving has to work for all parties.
What are your parents' resources? Is moving to a nice facility an option? Hiring aides?
Your dad is not going to be happy. Forget trying to placate or please him. The world has moved on from the expectation that women were put on earth to serve men.
You are a salaried professional; he and your mom are going to need to pay for their care.
My deceased husbands father was waited on hand and foot by the women in his family, we were at a dinner in their home. I was helping to clean up the table walked by FIL, he stops me and says "You are the only DIL who hasn't served me today, get me a glass of milk"!
Right, I'll be doing that, NOT, I just kept walking.
The only way out at this point is to place them both, they can still live a lot longer, trust me I know...my mother is 98, will be 99 in February a mere 5 months from now. She is in AL and loves it!
"I am a working professional and I immigrated to this country 25 years ago My parents have moved here with me..."
I totally understand the "old country" cultural expectation thing. There isn't going to be any smooth way to deal with it except to tell your parents you are overwhelmed and that you need help, and they have to pay for it.
First and foremost: are you their PoA? If not, this needs to be a condition upon which you continue with the current arrangement. You won't be able to easily get them transitioned out of your home without the legal ability to do so. Please let us know if you are their PoA because this will dictate what advice you are given.
Still, you can start with hiring out housekeeping, yardwork, and maybe a companion aid to keep them busy. My 2 Italian-American Aunties (who took care of my Gramma until she passed at age 96) were dead-set against anyone (strangers!) coming into their home to help them. I explained the help was for me. Through some effort I found an awesome companion through an agency who stayed with them for 6 years and they adored her.
My Grandma lived in the US from her teenage years on but hardly spoke any English. Hoping your parents have a working knowledge of English, otherwise this will be another speedbump in releasing you as their caregiver.
Also hoping they have the financial resources to fund more help. This info will be helpful too in what advice is given.
Please provide more info.
My Mom did everything for my Dad which included drawing his bathwater. He went on disability in his early 50s. They were in their 70s when Dad asked Mom to do something for him (perfectly capable of doing it himself). She told him "You have been retired for 25 yrs, when can I retire" Dad said "never". Not sure if he was serious or just pushing her buttonsv but she blew up.
Being old fashioned is different than being demanding, sounds like this goes way back. He’s not going to change, you’ll need to make other arrangements for him. I bet he does a lot better interacting with strangers he can’t order around. Good luck 💜
They're probably never going to give up their own culture. People tend to remain true to the culture in which they were raised. But at least you could try it.
I'm familiar with many different cultures. I've hosted (for 2 years) an adult married couple from a different culture in my home. I had an Asian daughter-in-law. I've traveled widely. They all thought their culture was superior to mine (American), even when their culture wasn't working for them in this culture.
I had to have various conversations with these people about things they were doing that were putting people off. They could reach a limited understanding (such as don't eat raw garlic and go somewhere where you will be sitting close to someone else, i.e. a theater, because that's not considerate).
Even if you could have the culture conversation and they could understand that in the USA you must work full-time and can't cook three meals a day as people in their country do (and probably those people aren't working full-time), you might get a bit of understanding from your dad. Tell him that if you die of the stress of taking care of him and mom on top of working full time, neither of them will lhave anyone to take care of them.
Don't expect it to work well, but maybe some relief? Good luck. You really need to get them into assisted living.