When I visit mom she is so cold and mean. Just to me. I get anxiety just going there. During the summer I was able to visit several times a week. Now it’s the weekend. If I go during the week I get there during her dinner. Then she wants to watch tv downstairs shortly after. I disrupt her routine. Even went with my daughter who she hasn’t seen in months. She really could care less. Refused to look or talk to me. I’m there more than any other of the residents family. We were so close now everything is awkward and forced. Doesn’t want to talk about anything. How do I rise above her coldness and keep visiting.
Since that loving woman is gone, can you be comfortable with at least for the time being, visiting less, in shorter visits, telling her you love her (she may comment harshly in response to affection), offering a few comments of family gossip, and leaving with a cheerful, noncommittal “goodby”?
There is no logic to the choosing of a target. My grandmother turned her fury to my father, her dearly loved son in law. As the disease process progressed, the hostility dissipated and ultimately disappeared.
Don’t worry about “forced”. If you are approaching her with a peaceful sense of low expectations, it won’t be quite as bad as it was the first time you noticed the change in her demeanor.
Unfortunately, many of us understand. Courage and peace to you.
I know that telling you not to visit seems unreasonable considering that she is your mother. And, it’s hard to accept that your mother as you knew and remember her is fading away. Hang on to those memories and don’t torture yourself by visiting more than a few times a month just to make sure everything is going ok at the facility.