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My father who is 87 years old, has Parkinson’s Disease and some degree of cognitive decline has been living with me, my husband and son for about 5 months now. Prior to his move here, he was living with his common law wife of 13 years. He often called me or one of my sisters begging us to come and get him because “she’s killing me”. My husband and I drove out to get him twice and both times he refused to go. I flew out to visit every two months before he came to us. When I visited I sometimes saw behaviours that were concerning to me. My father rarely left the bedroom then and was often quite anxiety ridden (hence the calls to us, I guess). I remember on one particular occasion, my father coming out of his room in a very anxious agitated state. My father’s common law wife told him to go back to bed. He did. I asked her what are we going to do and her response was “I think he’s going to drive himself crazy”. I was concerned. My sisters and I were told by his common law wife that he was being evaluated. She felt he was not doing well mentally. I asked about the results but was told Dad was forgetful but “as expected for someone with his stage of Parkinson’s Disease”.


I should have pushed harder for details, I know. Other things would occur that to me were not appropriate, but were explained away by Dads CL wife. She wouldn’t bring his meds to him for example; she said he needed to do things for himself. I tried to be understanding, after all he does need to do what he can do for himself. Over time, Dad's state of mind was very depressed and anxious every time I visited and he had begun calling my other sisters asking them to come and get him. Eventually my sisters arranged to go and pick him up, at his request. They called me a couple days before to tell me he was coming. To be honest, I didn’t think he would come, but amazingly he did.


Since Dad has lived here he has gone from constant demands to go to the ER or call 911, anxious demands for extra meds (which he didn’t get), from a person that bore no resemblance to my Dad to someone who is much more peaceful. My Dad has been slowly re-emerging. Dad has maintained constant contact with his CL wife since he’s been here and I’ve been providing her with regular updates and pictures. He loves her and I want to respect that, but she also is very upset with my sisters and I for what she sees as conspiring to take my Dad away from her.


She’s coming to visit soon staying for a week and she and my Dad have suggested that I take her visit as an opportunity to go visit my sisters out of town. It seems like a nice offer on the face of it. My Dad though has an appointment during her visit so I asked if his CL wife will take him and attend the appointment with him? He asked me not to leave until after the appointment. I don’t know what to think. I feel like crying constantly the last few days. I’m not sure if it’s reasonable but I feel angry with my Dad too. Any input would be wonderful. Thank you.

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Glad you got it off your chest, good or bad.. I sent, earlier on, a list of states that recignize Common Law. Was the State your Dad was living in recognize CL. If not, they are not married, just coexisted.

Does Dad have a will? If not may be a good time to have one drawn up if he has any assets. Some states recognize, any money or property obtained before a marriage the spouse can't claim. Only assets procured during the marriage. She should be left something but maybe not everything. That's up to Dad.

I guess the visit was not so great.
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PracticePeace Dec 2018
We’re actually in Canada. Dad does have a will but it’s pretty bare bones. I guess the truth is that I just have to let it go for now. Dad’s not legally incompetent so I’ve got no right to interfere. The visit was tense but no unkind words were exchanged, thank goodness.
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Hi everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t responded sooner. I’d hoped there would be some sort of resolution that I could report back to you, but it doesn’t seem it will be so simple. I ended up telling Dad the truth about how I felt about the situation. Good or bad, I don’t know. It wasn’t planned, it just seemed to erupt. I feel horribly about hurting him but also to be honest, I told him the truth about the situation and the concerns I have so I guess, I feel unburdened. But, I honestly don’t know if it was the right thing to do. Dad called me and my sisters over the course of years, begging us to come and get him, that “she’s killing me”. After refusing to leave multiple times, he is finally convinced to leave and then tells me none of it was true, that he didn’t really want us to come and get him. He’s even gone so far as to be angry at my sisters for going to get him and bringing him her. But, then again, he claims not to want to go back. He wants me to welcome this lady into our home, as if none of this ever happened. She told me that “husbands usually leave all their money to their wives”, as if his marriage to my mother and the existence of his four daughters, very loving and supportive daughters, did not occur. She claims we don’t respect her. Truthfully, I don’t, not anymore. I welcomed her into our family, I cared for her and have always been willing to move over and make room for her, but it doesn’t seem she wants us to make room but that she wants the whole bench to herself. Perhaps, she has no respect for my father’s daughters or for the plans he made with my mother. I think there were problems when Dad lived with her. I say this because he is a different man now. Much stronger emotionally, much much less anxious. He’s becoming the man I remember again. Dad says he’s going to go back to her once he’s strong enough. I don’t know if he’ll ever be “strong enough” but if he decides he is, and he goes back, what will happen to him? I suspect he’ll revert to that lost person he was when he first arrived here, completely anxiety-ridden,fairly quickly. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there is anything I can do. He’s not been declared incompetent so what I can do is limited. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Be sure the credit cards are paid off in full and cancelled. Put a security freeze on his credit profile.
If he gave her $60k and has credit card debt, that would be very poor judgment on his part.
Perhaps they are separating legally, or divorcing.
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They have been together for 13 years. Have you always been this suspicious of her motives and this dismissive of their relationship?
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You see this happen all the time in nh etc. elderly do need relationships but some are there for the money. Elderly man lonely easy target. Protect your father by all costs if she is really a loving companion she will respect you and show dad love and compassion. I would not trust her and I would make sure dad has all his paperwork with you provided with an elderly law attorneys
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Your father and his partner were living together. There are expenses that he was probably paying for while they were together. If your father's partner is retired, then it might be hard for her to continue paying those expenses while your father is in your care.

A woman who has spent many years with a man deserves to be treated better than this.
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Riverdale Nov 2018
The poster states many instances where her father feels negatively regarding this woman. That indicates that the girlfriend is not a positive influence for the father. She shouldn't be totally kicked to the curb but her presence is adding stress. I don't have the perfect answer but I think moving forward her actions could be curtailed.
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Many here have given you sound advice. The aspect of this situation is her withdrawal of fairly large amounts of money. That would bother me as it seems a basis to a degree in their relationship. He also doesn't seem that happy with her. I wonder if it is all possible to remove her from his life. It would require a payment to her as they have been together for many years
Yet in certain areas regarding his health she has shown negligence
That does not show her to be a caring person for him. And back to the withdrawal of money. Those 2 issues would bother me greatly. If you were to state on this post that she has been a source of true help to him it would be different. It just doesn't seem as that is the case. I hope you find some resolutions for him and his children's feelings of well being.
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After what you posted about here, that she took 20k, then another 40K for a total of 60K from his account which agitated him it may be time for poa to go into effect. Is she on the account with him and the bigger question is WHEN was she added? Recently when he was declining? This would fall under elder financial abuse especially since he had her sign what's mine is mine. She will clean him out and happily leave his care to you without the resources to do so. You said he is forgetful and easily confused, she will play on this. Lock his funds up in a trust with co-trustees that do not include her. He needs to be protected, who owns the house he was residing in before coming to stay with you? Do not ask her, look it up on the county recorders online records where the home is located, it may be in his name only or joint ownership, consult an attorney ASAP as it sounds like she is up to no good. Do not expect honest answers, oh he wanted me to have that. Easiest answer for her and he may not remember or she may guilt him into agreeing, again elder abuse. Can you say gold digger? Conversation about him leaving her all the money should've been your second clue, the first was when dhe wanted to get married and he didn't. Open an account at a bank near you and transfer his SSI and pension payments to it, cutting funds from other accounts. He needs to be protected at this time. Do you have a copy of the agreement or the name of the law office that drew it up to see if the retained a copy? You may need it in the future.
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PracticePeace Dec 2018
I would like to take control of the money but so far, my Dad has not been deemed incompetent so it’s his decision. Even if Dad we’re willing to allow me to take over, I would want to provide her monthly support. I think that’s fair. I wouldn’t be comfortable handing out thousands of dollars on top though. Not only am I uncomfortable with those sorts of requests, but I’m also aware that Dad may need those funds for his care sometime in the future and I want him to have the best care possible.
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Hi everyone, Thank you all for your advice and well wishes. You have all been a godsend to me a couple times now🙂. Just an update, Dad’s girlfriend is here. Truthfully, I’m trying desperately to keep the faith with her but not totally successfully. She and I were friends initially. My Dad was in deep grief after losing my mom and along she came. I was thankful that he was happy and smile again. They eventually decided to live together. She wanted to marry but Dad didn’t. Dad had a cohabitation agreement drawn up basically starting that what’s mine remains mine and what’s yours remains yours. They moved out of province. All was well until Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I visited often at Dad’s request, every two months was the schedule when Dad moved here. There were two occasions when I was visiting with them that Dad’s girlfriend told me “men usually leave their money to their wives”. I said nothing. Not a conversation I wanted to have. Dad has arranged that she is cared for after his passing so I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. And in truth, it made me feel a bit sick inside. When Dad first moved in with my family, she withdrew $20,000 of his funds from the bank. Dad was very agitated about it and told her to “put it back”. She didn’t. Dad eventually decided it was okay. He has recently given her $40,000. I tell myself it’s his money to do with as he pleases, but at the same time I’m realizing that my Dad is struggling cognitively. He forgets often and is easily confused. He feels very guilty for leaving her and moving in with me, and it would be very easy to make use of that guilt. We are seeing the neurologist today, I’m hoping to find an opportunity to speak to her alone to see what she thinks of my Dad’s cognitive situation. My sister has Power of Attorney for both personal care and finance, but they haven’t been implemented because Dad doesn’t agree to it.it May be that we need the doctor to weigh in.
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You say you remember on one particular occasion that your father came out of his room in a very anxious agitated state. His partner told him to go back to bed, and he did.

Did your father have his own bedroom when he was living with his partner? If so, why?

Why did she tell him to go back to bed?

What is his stage of Parkinson's?

You say that she feels he's not doing well mentally. You say that she wants him to do things for himself as much as possible. On the one hand, doctors will advise patients with Parkinson's to continue to live life as they normally would as much as possible, and many times, it's the patients who insist on doing things themselves even when they shouldn't be. It's hard to take those things away from them because they often feel useless. On the other hand, it's not good to forget to take medication or to take medication multiple times.

You say your father's partner is very upset with your sisters and you for what she sees as conspiring to take your father away from her. You took your father away from her. It's not something that she alone sees. It's the fact.

Many times, family members can be in denial. They can even blame the caregiver for the deteriorating state of their loved ones. Depression and anxiety come with Parkinson's. It would be good for the three of you to see a family therapist together.

I don't know why your father wants you to go away while she visits. He might want to tell her he wants to stay with you. He might want to tell her he wants to go with her. But whatever the case, it's your father's decision.
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I’ve been following your post for awhile now.
You didn’t say when your step mother (for ease of reference) was coming to visit. You said soon.
I am suggesting a different tactic than others mentioned before.
How about asking your sisters to come to your home at the same time as SM?
You could all join together and discuss what the best course of action going forward is for dad. You could all go to the appointment. You could all discuss what dad’s options are going forward. You could ask the doctor very specific questions based on what you understand dad’s condition is and how it will progress.
You could be gracious to your SM, acknowledging her care for your father in the past and ask her what her plans are for his future. You may all agree on what is best. You may not.
of course, it might be helpful if dad is off with his soninlaws when this discussion is held. No matter how much we love one another we still have the basics to consider. SM has cost of living to consider. They have been sharing costs (assumed) for 13 years, so don’t hold back. Talk about the taxes and insurance which is usualy the high ticket items. Maybe you have been covering those items all along. If not, it’s timw to bring them up. Flush out what problems there might be. Come back and let us know how things go.
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Your question has been on my mind for a couple days and you have received excellent advice in the posted answers. I had the reverse situation: my Mom had agressive Parkinson’s and dementia and a live-in boyfriend. He was never able to help her with her medications, not even one dose ever. He always forgot that she had dementia and would be baffled by her behaviors. The timing of my Mom’s meds was extremely critical. If that were messed up for several days (like if you left CL wife in charge) it could take weeks to get back on track. Does she want you out-of-town to get him to sign documents? Get married? Deed the house to her? Sorry to sound like a nut. I wouldn’t be comfortable going away at this time. NO ONE with cognitive decline should be managing their own meds, even though she may have had the best of intentions to preserve his independence. None of this is anyone’s fault, your Dad’s disease may be progressing and he needs hands on help from family, imo.
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Your father has Parkinson's and your father's partner has been with him for 13 years. It's been difficult for her. She's not perfect. She was letting you know that your father's condition is worsening. She needs emotional support. She doesn't need someone to judge her.

Your father's condition can vary from day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month. But he has Parkinson's, a disease that steadily worsens.

There will probably always be differences of opinion as to how much care the elderly should be given.
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Perhaps it is NOT the ideal time for you to leave town.
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I dont know if I would completely believe your dad every time. He suffers from anxiety and depression. He had you running to go get him, then refused to leave with you. I would study up on the complications with parkinsons disease and get his anxiety/depression addressed by his doc.
I wouldnt leave my home when his wife comes to visit on his say so. Its your home. You get to decide. Your not the child any more. Your the caregiver and home owner. Basically the one in charge. Dont give your power away to whims. You have a say so.

Would she bundle him up and take him back home? It might be her idea, and it might be his idea. He changed his mind mult times before. You never know. Im not saying she is up to no good. Im just saying dads mind changes with the wind?
Id go to his docs appt so you are up to date on his medical issues. If the wife wants to go, fine. Let her.

I think when people live together, there might be family dynamics you werent aware of. She might want him to do what he can to keep him active for as long as possible. He might want her to wait on him and and foot. A lot of men of that era feel that way. (that was my mom & dad). That might have contributed to his anxiety. Or it might be his illness, and decline.

You get to decide what goes on in your house. If he is peaceful, let her visit. She met him when he was older and has been with him a long time and taken care of him. I wouldnt stress over it. Just let her visit. He seems happy being taken care of by you. Good luck.
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PracticePeace Dec 2018
Thank you for your response. I think you’re right. Dad does change his mind often. It’s true that I have no way of knowing what went on behind closed doors and their relationship has to be far more complex than the little pieces I know of. What I do know, is that his state of mind is vastly improved since he moved in with us. Perhaps it’s not “bad” caregiving vs “good” caregiving, but simply different caregiving. I don’t think there’s any one-size-fits-all solution. He’s doing better here. I agree about just letting peace be peace, let him be happy. It just seems hard to overlook some things. If he goes back, will he be okay.
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I second the thought that you should have all of your Dads’ paperwork in order before she arrives (although you may have already done that when he moved in). You want to make sure that the POA, and the Powers of Attorney remain with you.

But the main reason for my response is regarding your Dad’s medicine. Parkinson’s medicine is very time critical, which you may know now. I don’t know how advanced his PD is, but once you get past the mid range of the disease, a late or missed dose can have devastating effects. I know PD patients that set alarms, so they are not even a minute late on their next dose.
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It seem from your description that the GF is either unable or unwilling to give you details of his appointments in the past, when he lived w/ her. Don't allow this to happen again.,, go with dad (and GF) to the doctors appointment. If you're not there she maybe unable/unwilling to give the doctor dad's med list, and lists of other doctors., and other important information You can respect his love for her and still keep your foot securely in the door so no shenanigans go on. If he's living with you, and you've taken over caring for him , doctors appointments are really important, and you should attend.
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I would not leave my home or my dad in the care of the girlfriend during her visit. You do not owe the girlfriend an explanation as to why you are not taking a vacation from your house & father as they requested. I would take my dad to his appointment & invite her to go along. Your dad no longer has full command of his faculties & you apparently do not trust the girlfriend so trust your instincts!

As other posters have mentioned, it would be wise to find out if common law marriages are even recognized in the state in which they presented themselves as husband & wife. more importantly, it would also be beneficial to make sure your dad's legal documents are up to date. The girlfriend may have been very persuasive & have convinced him to do things that may not be in anybody's best interest but hers.

I will leave you with just one example of how things can go completely sideways in a similar situation. We moved a number of years ago into a very well established neighborhood. The couple that lived across the street were retired. He was a retired oil executive & his wife was a retired school teacher & from the looks of things, very comfortable in their retirement. Their 50 something son lived with them because he apparently had some sort of break down a few years before (& not entirely in control of his own faculties either). Long story short, the father died leaving his now invalid wife in the care of his son. He hired a woman several years younger as a live in. She moved in with her teen aged son. The man's mother passed away within a year of her moving in yet she remained to cook & clean for him. I didn't ask questions as she volunteered all that info to me one day while I was in the yard. Fast forward a couple of years but the man shot himself on their patio. He had grown children but the live in caregiver inherited the house but fell behind with the taxes & was forced to sell it to an investor. Even though she sold the house for half of what it was worth, she still managed to walk away with nearly 200K and this was a just a few years ago. I don't know what all she managed to get from him, but she told me he had left her "everything", apparently to the exclusion of his children. So please be careful in your dealings with this woman.
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PracticePeace,

Given all the answers you’ve received which largely go from extreme support and understanding towards you, to extreme support and understanding towards the CL wife, I felt I needed to re-read your post and try to get what YOUR perspective truly is about this situation.

Re-reading your post led me to two questions:

-Why exactly do you say you’re angry at your dad?

I can think of several reasons but want to understand why you are angry. Is it because you felt he wasn’t giving you a break when he asked you to be with him during the appointment therefore not allowing you to go away?

- What is your opinion about the CL wife aside from her as a caregiver?
Meaning, as a person and as a partner for your dad. And how has been her relationship with you and your sisters? Are you suspicious of her as far as trying to take advantage of your dad in any way? Does she have any financial rights being the CL wife?
I think your answers will enlighten us to be able to give you better founded opinions, although mine remains the same:
Always trust your gut! It applies to every situation.
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Neglect u can talk to the doctor and get note explaining that the meds need to be giving the same time every day And he wont be able to walk unless it is done on time ..she probley doesnt understand that the medacation.works well when taking at the same time every day..parkinsons ..is kinda like paralized..unless u get meds ..m
He needs care giver ..maybe that would help the wife ..
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Continued from next post

If you decide to leave and something happens you have to be willing to deal with the consequences.

My dad was a full grown man and he made his choices, same as yours. I knew that I helped to the best of my ability and to the extent that he would allow, same as you. In the long run if he would have died, I would have been sad but I couldn't have done more. Once he was with me, that changed, I would have kept her away at all costs. He needs time to regain his manhood and make choices from a position of security and not fear.
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So, I am going to be honest and frank, I apologize in advance if this offends you.

If you witnessed her being abusive to your dad, and yes treating him like a child telling him to go back to bed when his daughter is visiting is abuse!

If she would do that in front of you, what does she do when no one is watching?

You don't say how old she is and another poster said she couldn't be that young, they have been together that long, yes she can be that young, he is 87 so 13 years isn't all that long, my dad married a thing that was younger then his youngest daughter and they were together for 20 years.

Have you ever heard of Stockholm syndrome? If not you should do some research. The evil whore my dad married was so abusive and he was to PW that he alienated his entire support system, friends and family alike because of her. When she didn't get her way, it was everyone else that was the problem, she was the loving concerned wifey poo who had his back, bull she had a gun in his back that he knew if he crossed her there was hell to pay. I to got the mystery calls for help only to waste my time when it had all changed by the time I could get there.

She should not be welcomed, let alone left in your house alone. You would not believe the petty damage done to my home when I allowed my dad thing to visit, I was here and she still damaged a bed, let her dog pee on it, ruined my guest towels, used them to polish her boots, then her dog peed on my 4 month old carpet 6 times, never offered to clean it, then the dog barfed in the hallway and she used toilet paper to clean it up to help me out, in her words.

Can you imagine what she could accomplish if she had free rein?

Are you sure he wants the visit or has she pressured him into it?
You see how well he is doing without her, do you want a set back? What if she loads him up and takes him home? What if there is an accident and he ends up dead?

I am not being an alarmist, when I picked my dad up from his situation he was within days of being dead. He was in active heart failure, he had 70# of water weight, his kidneys were shutting down and the toxins from all of this had effected his brain to the point that I was told he needed memory care.

She told you what she was, believe her!

When people have never dealt with evil it is easy to say, oh look she stayed, she's his loving wife and he loves her, you need to accept it and get over all the years of upset, rose colored glasses are great until you look at the devil. Men that have made choices that end them in abusive relationships will 99.9% of the time never admit anything, they will hint and imply but their egos will not allow them to admit that they ended up with an evil, abusive hateful beast. It is shameful and anyone that has ever been there, knows that there is shame in letting yourself get in that situation.

He is telling you that he wants you to intervene by asking you to stay for the appointment. Right now you can't take anything he says at face value, it is still early in the separation and she still has her hooks in him. It took my dad 18 months with no contact to feel safe enough to say she was abusive. We all knew and saw many warning signs but while he was in it, there was no helping him.

From what you have written I think you would be negligent in leaving him alone with her. I don't agree that they need or deserve privacy. It is your house and he is thriving under your care, she can change everything with one private conversation. If they are alone she can exert as much force as she needs to, to get him to bend to her wishes. If you are there you can stop that from happening. As hard as it is, your dad is a vulnerable senior and needs protection just like you would a 3 year old, wanting and getting are two different things.

You know how the last 13 years have been, you know if your dad has changed since his relationship with her and only you can decide if he is safe with her alone. (Continued)
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anonymous806474 Nov 2018
OK, TO SOME EXTENT THIS IS TRUE, COULD BE THAT WIFEY DID NOT BARGAIN FOR THIS ONLY THE LATE MARRIAGE BY DAD WHO WOULD HAVE A COMPANION-WIFE-FINANCIAL WELL BEING..
Many people bail out when the slow decline,mental,healthoverwhelming issues begin.....its very complicated how you will fare with deciding when Husband has to go to a NH...and wife will loose home,money etc. im sure Dad has made sure wife will be ok...but well being and being held by wifey like a prisoner in his own home may be going on as wifey did not bargain for when sickness and health would be a problem anyway no one can take care of a Parkinson situation ...its dangerous on the caretaker wife and abusive to husband being told to go to his room like an unruly child...get in there and deal with the inevitable.THIS IS A SECOND MARRIAGE. IASSUME...…….sounds like any person that cant handle the situation...
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This is a tough situation. If they've been together for 13 years that's a lot of time to build emotional connections, co-mingle assets etc. It also means you should know her pretty well. She didn't pitch him out when he was diagnosed with Parkinsons that demonstrates that she, at the least, had a dedication to caring for him. Such loyalty is pretty rare right now. Care-giving is not for everyone and after five months of it I'm sure you realize how demanding it can be. She's likely doing the best she can with a bad situation and sometimes the best we can just isn't good enough.

Maybe the doctor encouraged her not to "coddle him" and that's why she was making him take care of himself. Maybe she's hoping he will "get better" if he's more actively handling his own business. Remember, she's slowly losing the man she has loved for the past thirteen years. The fella who for all intents and purposes has been her husband is slowly slipping away and now has physically left their home. I say that to remind you that she's probably grieving a dual loss.

It's been my experience with cognititve decline that a good deal of those living with it tend to villainize their primary care-giver. You might want to keep that in the back of your mind. If he is doing that with accusations of "trying to kill him" against her then, you might be next on his list of people to accuse of things.

If they've been together for 13 years you should have a pretty good idea of her personality, so you would be the best judge of whether or not she might be abusing or neglecting him. If she has always been a wonderful caring person then leaving her in your home while you take a break would be a great idea. You can use a respite now and then. Like others have said treat her as a short term respite carer and don't expect her to handle doctor visits, therapy etc.

If, on the other hand, she has always been sketchy and your relationship was already strained before your father was diagnosed, then don't leave her in your home or leave your father alone with her at all.

I agree with those who said to get your father thoroughly checked out before deciding anything. If his cognitive impairment is significant he can't be making this choice alone. If on the other hand he is mentally sound then you have no business telling him what to do or not do and in that case only need to decide what you will allow in your home.

Bless you, I know how hard this can be. I've seen this situation in similar forms many times and it's hard on everyone involved. Do take care of yourself. Take care of you. :)
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sudalu Nov 2018
Well said. Great advice.
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First - every time you mention this woman, you feel the need to stress "common law" - so I think maybe she has every reason to believe you are conspiring to take your dad away from her.

After 10 years, "common law" becomes WIFE.

I was with my DH 33 years, church married for 32 of them, and I was still the outsider in his family, meaning with his grown children.

First get yourself straight on where "this woman" fits into the family. She is his WIFE, and as such, she has rights too. I really got tired of being looked upon as a concubine at best and a whore at worst.

If it was your mother, how would you be treating her? I think you and your sisters need to have a little reality check with this situation.
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AT1234 Nov 2018
Sorry, common law is not wife, except in CL’s mind.
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Read and reread these excellent answers and make note about what will be useful in your situation,
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A week may be too long a visit for someone who has been accused by Dad of:
"She's killing me", and repeated calls to come get him.

Now, she AND your Dad are making suggestions you leave your home on vacation.
Will leaving include your son? Hubs? Have you had this kind of relationship as the grandparents prior to Dad coming to stay with you? With them staying at your home while you (and family?) go away? In the same breath, Dad asks you not to leave?
Red flags:
Anyone who tells an adult to go back to your room/bed, when you are visiting?
Who appears to have undue influence on your Dad?
Who accuses others of "conspiracy".
Is angry at you that he left......
Can you ask advice from APS, if you have concerns that she may be an inappropriate caregiver? Your Dad is a vulnerable adult with his diagnosis.
Please ask Dad to NOT sign anything she gives him to sign without consulting you or an attorney, his attorney.
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anonymous815183 Nov 2018
PeacePractice??????:
Given his condition, Dad probably will sign anything he's asked to by someone who can sweet talk him and under the right conditions of daylight, his mood, and whatever he's told by someone he trusts at that moment. You will never know the facts of the matter until it's too late to do anything about it. I know someone who is convinced he has control of his own finances, while also knowing he does not. And I'm not a family member so have no standing to help him.
Your own negative and resentful un-peaceful attitude about someone your father loves and who loves him, no matter how upset she is now, seems to be a long - standing problem, given that he lives an airplane ride away from you, but you seem to understand this is not going well at all, but that's not un-natural. It's a stressful situation for everyone.
She is frustrated and inexperienced in this journey and might not have the best personality for it, but your animosity must stick out enough to make you look like a porcupine to this woman your father loves. What did you expect from her? Hugs and kisses?

Since this woman he loves knows your attitude toward her, I'm not surprised your visits there went "badly." Of course he was "depressed and anxious" when you visited--he hasn't totally "lost it" yet and he knows his own daughter.
If you were to change your attitude and look at this woman as a partner in caring for your father--instead of "that woman"--maybe the two of you could co-operate and help him instead of inducing fear in a demented old man.
It's good that he is doing better with you. Not surprising, since you have backup staff of husband and sisters. His partner could well have no one to support and help her. From experience, I can guarantee you would have NO life of your own if you were doing this without help. It's good that he is doing better with you, but try to get a bigger picture of all this, for his welfare.

I agree with others that you should not grab this opportunity for a weeklong holiday for your and your husband (IF she is up to no good, you want to guard the silver service and keep her out of your private papers) but stay in your own home, make his partner feel welcome, give them time alone together, and try to bind old wounds and do what is good for your father, by offering kindness to his partner, who, I can promise you, has her own problems and worries now that her life w/ dad is wreckage. Is there anyone interested in what lies ahead for her? Does she wonder where she will live w/o him? Are there financial issues that terrify her? Does she have any family support? Has she spend her own finances into the basement by paying for things he has needed? A discussion about all this, in a kind, instead of angry way, might well help all of you. But don't go into this with an attitude or it will just turn nasty.
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Well. I wouldn't leave 'til after the appointment, that's for sure. Possibly not then, either. Dad and GF will want their privacy, of course, make sure they get it. But perhaps not for extended periods, not until all the relationships have steadied themselves down a lot more.

It isn't that I suspect GF of having been an intentionally useless caregiver. She can have had the best possible wishes for him and still have made a mess of it - and can't we all, I'm not getting at her, PD is extremely difficult to manage. But since there has been A Change of Management, and you're it, I'd keep to consistency on that and not hand her more to do than be a guest.

Then there's the question of respite breaks for you, of course. But I should treat that as a separate issue, to be decided.
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First of all you can't make Dad do anything unless he has been declared legally incompetent.
From what you have written it sounds as though his cognition may be a lot worse than you had previously realized.
Can't begin to assess CL's motives but assume she really can't be young especially as they have been together so long.
Does dad own the house they were living in?
Someone certainly needs to be supervising medications and finances.
Agree that I would not leave the pair of them alone in the house for a week.
I would however give them some private time together. Tell them you are going to X and will be home at Y and if he needs anything you have your cell.
And keep your word so they really do have some privacy.
Remove all drugs his and your families to an out of the way locked cupboard. I would also do the same with any liquor.
When you visited did you feel CL was taking good care of their living conditions. House clean, lawn mowed etc dog poop picked up that kind of thing. Food in the fridge?
Last but most importantly make sure dad gets a full physical and psychiatric evaluation.
It is going to be a rough few weeks but I am sure this will all get sorted out.
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anonymous806474 Nov 2018
Can you please stop going on about the wifes ulterior motives and just have a discussion...……...meaning Parkinsons is a chronic condition..does everybody know about cognitive decline etcetera..can wife manage?
Who has POA, is there money for an NH or caretakers ?prepare to decide and ask if wife can handle this...I visited my Dad in NH everyday after his caretaker passed and he had to be admitted only to gasp at the prices
even after some Medicaid kicked in..they only covered three mos of five
leaving me to pay for the first two...as well as taking DAds 1800 per mo.
anyway there was a Parkinsons Patient there that I got to know he was only 65 years old and simply told me his wife could not would not take
care of him in their home....he was a danger to himself, he was not happy
about it but knew his wife needed or wanted to work..so he then told me he had been advised to put his house in a trust...…...I guess so the wife would have something or NH I simply do not know but rather than
complain about wife or common law you should have a discussion as to
who is now
going to supervise or take care of Dad???If wife is overwhelmed or you are not prepared to take him or yo will take him until he becomes too incapacitated...………………..money well I dont know how to answer...you know the deal...………...assets social etc wife is protected to some extent but she needs a roof over her head...does she have money or family or a decent social?
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Never ignore what you gut tells you.
If you feel uneasy about this lady don’t leave your dad nor your house in her hands. Personally, I would not chose the time when she is there to leave town.
Keep in mind that although it will take more effort on your part to be able to show respect for their relationship while never putting in the back burner your natural need to care for your dad, it is worth it. Your dad’s well-being comes first. Your peace of mind as a daughter also comes first. The rest can be handled with intelligence but never sacrificing what really matters.

Best of luck!
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Just FYI...these are the states that recognize common law. If Dad doesn't live in 10 of these states, he isn't married.

Only a few states recognize common law marriages, and each has specific stipulations as to what relationships are included:
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma’s laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
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