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Hi all,


I wrote a few months back about my mom refusing care while she was on liquid nutrition and how my brother was enabling her. Anyway, she had bowel surgery and can eat solid foods again.


Anyway, I came home for the first time since she was in the hospital (so since August), and I’ve noticed a few things. She had some mess on the back of her legs because she can’t see back there, she isn’t cleaning her commode right away (and after saying she would, I came back from going out tonight to find it still dirty because she “doesn’t go upstairs at night.”) The only bathroom is on the upstairs floor. The laundry is in the basement, and she assumed my brother will do it. There is literally a hole in the ceiling where a bird flew through, and she will not call roofers until I do it.


I’m concerned about my mom’s physical and mental health. She’s refusing to do her three month metastatic breast cancer scan because it’s too much (the abdominal surgery and previous issues were awful to be fair). I don’t know what to do or where to turn. Money is tight, although I think she’s just waiting for my brother and I to pay for everything like her brothers used to do for her. I was thinking of calling her oncologist maybe, but any advice is appreciated.

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I think you may want to try to get her cognitive and memory skills assessed by her doctor. When we were having concerns about my MIL's mental memory, I accompanied her to her next appt and went prepared with a note that I discretely handed to the staff outlining our concerns and asking them to perform a cognitive/memory exam and also test for a UTI. They were happy to do this. If you have to tell your mom a "therapeutif fib" to get her in for an appointment, then that is morally acceptable.

You should at least discount that she doesn't have a UTI, which is treatable with antibiotics but can cause weird symptoms in the elderly, like confusion and delusions. An untreated UTI can turn septic. Then after testing you'll know what you're dealing with. If you are her PoA then your authority may be activated. If no one is her PoA the you will need to call APS.
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I agree with Joann. Time to get APS involved. They may be able to hook her up with local resources to fix the roof, get some aide hours for light housekeeping and personal care.
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Your Mom is 74. As long as she is competent to make decisions for herself not much you can do. I would ask APS to come in and evaluate the situation. If they find that Mom is being cared for OK and they see no mental decline, not much you can do. Mom can live the way she wants. We can't force things on her or your brother.
You just do what you are willing to do.
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