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Dear Amy, I experienced a similar situation with my sibling. I begged for help, wanted to share responsibility. But no I got every excuse imaginable. Mom wanted to be with me too. Be very careful, I read that you can get a caregivers contract on this site. I wish I had found this out earlier. Mom’s
good intentions were to pass on everything to avoid probate. The only problem was that my sibling kept half of the life insurance that she knew was intended for burial. There was no estate to pay for the funeral. She never called me until after the funeral asking about money and asking why I did this or that. In the end I felt beaten and I am still ill from the stress. My husband warned me so many times not to trust my sibling. He also was also a great helper me and Mom. My intentions are to warn you to get the right advice now. I kept almost every promise an honored my Mom’s wishes. I feel good and rewarded about that. It is not as much about the money loss, but more about being used and manipulated by my sibling for free 24/7 care. Then I felt anger and hatred towards her after Mom’s passing. Please get advice from an elder care attorney, if possible. God bless you and keep you strong for your difficult journey.
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Amy, I hear you. I had the same problem with my siblings. When you married your husband, you promised to honor and love him through sickness and in health. You started a new family at that point. Your priority is your husband, not your mother. You can move your mom into a care home, but you can't replace your husband. Your mother's health is only going to deteriorate and your siblings are not likely to step up and help. Please give some thought as to what your priorities are.
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Amy, I'm just posting to agree that your sisters should have been asked first and you would have needed to genuinely accept their decision. No one should be "assumed" into an obligation. I get that their lack of interest or understanding is shocking to you. It has shocked many of us in our own families. You can try to suggest other ways for them to help, but if you get the same response, then I'd stop asking them for anything. Move forward and run the show as you please if you are your mom's only durable PoA. Please be realistic that you may need outside relief soon, for your own health and wellbeing. You asked, "How do I let go of the rage ..."? Someone once told me the bare-bones definition of anger is that it comes from an unmet expectation. You expected your sisters to feel and behave like you. Now you know truth and reality. Make a decision to either own everything that comes with being the sole caregiver or some hybrid arrangement. Just don't look towards your sisters and don't burn any bridges with them -- it is totally possible that one or both of them may have an awakening and their willingness may kick in. Just don't expect it. May you gain peace in your heart and forgiveness towards your sisters.
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I am an only child, so I have no siblings to share in the burden it's been to deal with my folks' issues since they moved here in 2011 to be closer to me. I've managed their entire lives ever since.

The hatred you feel for your two siblings is misguided, I think.........it's more the rage of the years you feel you've lost by care giving. I understand. I have days where the resentment is SO huge that it overpowers me. Yesterday was one of those days, and my mother lives in Memory Care 4 miles away. My father died in 2015. And I STILL feel tremendous resentment over the fact that I don't have ONE day in my LIFE where I'm not dealing with my toxic mother who does everything she possibly can to drive me crazy. She sometimes succeeds, too.

I made the choice to have my parents move back here in 2011 to be close to me.
I made the choice to take over the management of their lives, too.
I also made the choice to place both of them in Assisted Living when their care needs became greater than they could manage themselves in Independent Living.

Because I am only one human being, as you are, with limitations and a life of my own. In fact, I remarried in 2009, a mere 2 years before the folks moved back here and took over BOTH of our lives. I seriously doubt my husband signed up for the craptastic life that awaited him, little did he know. He doesn't even complain very often; he just does what he can to help me, all the moves, all the stress, all the hospitalizations, the rehabs, the chaos in general. And he holds me when I cry.

I wish I had some wise words for you about how to get rid of the rage. I don't. All I can tell you is to forget about 'promises' made long ago. Things change, especially where elder care is involved. Severe dementia is normally something you CANNOT deal with alone at home. This is why Memory Care ALs are popping up like flowers on every street corner. Because it's just too much for us mere mortals to endure. I could never do it, and that's the truth. One phone call or one window visit with my 94 y/o mother is enough to aggravate me for hours afterward.

Accept a NEW choice now. A choice to look into Memory Care for your mom and to give her a new way of life in managed care, and to give YOU a new life that has nothing to do with care giving. Go back to being a daughter again instead. You deserve to.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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Promises are all well and good; life has a way of intervening in all this. Things change. Nothing is static. I think you identified it perfectly when you said "How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years". I think basically to understand that it was your choice, that you made your own choice from the best intentions and with the best information available. Then to recognize your rage is telling you that you have reached the point where you must accept your own human limitations. This has little to do with your sisters. You cannot/you will not ever change them. Allowing yourself to blame them may be somehow a comfort, but the fact is you have grieving to do about the fact that you are smack up against the choice to sacrifice your own life or to live your own life. You may need professional help a few visits to comb out what you life is going to look like moving forward. Discuss with your husband. Leave your sisters out of it. They don't figure in this. They have already made their choices. I am so sorry. Not everything has a fix-it that prevents grief and sadness. I wish you the very best going forward.
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Beatty Dec 2020
Very well put.

To me this line stands out "..recognize your rage is telling you..".

It took me a while to get that, but when I did get it *boom* game changer! My own anger had a real purpose & then I found I could use that anger as energy towards change.
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If I had a dime for everytime I heard this scenario, I'd own a bank. My family members do this too and come up with every ridiculous excuse in the book as to why they can't do something to give me respite:

"Our car/SUV/ truck is too high for Grandma to get in/out of."
"We are too busy" (such a BS excuse, anyone can be "busy"!)
"I have a dog and cat to take care of at home, I can't spend an hour with Grandma"

But you know what though? The ugly truth is, they don't *want* to do it. As other posters have already said, it is a choice. They just choose not to do it for whatever reason, valid or not. Unfortunately, you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, and vice versa, they cannot force you to do anything either.

You have a choice, too. You can choose to look into a home health aide to give you respite, or quite possibly a nursing facility. Not sure what your circumstances are, but I would place bets that you have options for help with care that would give you something of a break.

- Contact your local office for aging/elderly to see what kind of help they can offer.
- local adult day programs
- care.com offers caregiving for elderly/disabled
- this site also has a "Find Care" feature.
- contact medicare/medicaid to see what they offer for respite services.
- check local bulletin boards in local libraries, supermarkets, places of worship, or anywhere public for postings on caregiving. I've seen a few at my local church from time to time.
- If you have a room to spare in your home, you may want to consider renting it out to someone in exchange for caregiving help. Extra money coming in, help for you and your loved one, reduced rent for the tenant in question, everyone wins.
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Beatty Dec 2020
I find the shoe on the other foot now. I now AM that person with the excuses, car not suitable etc. The real reason is, as you said, *I don't want to*. This is my boundary. As my relative will walk, get into a taxi & put her seatbelt on but insists on a wheelchair if with me, insists I lift her legs in, push her into the seat & put the seatbelt on. Plus insists on all day help (inc bathroom assistance) for things she does at home herself.

Not saying this is everyone's situation! Just I found it interesting now that I have been on both sides of this now.
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You decide that your siblings are adults and free to make their own choices just as you are. It may not be right or fair or ethical or any other thing you can call it, but it’ll always remain their choice just as it’s your choice to provide care. Spending your time being angry and bitter isn’t affecting them one bit, it’s only tearing you apart and making you unhealthy. I totally misquote the Frozen movie all the time but Let it Go. And decide how to help yourself in this caregiving role, what steps you can take to make it better. Can you hire a part time helper? Is mom eligible for any help you haven’t explored? Can you make meals ahead and freeze them? Would a walk around the block to take a break be helpful? Is honoring a promise becoming too much?
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If the agreement isn't in place before you move in it makes things complicated. If you live there, where are you going when they take their turn (assumption here is that you were looking for shared 24 hour care and not respite care) Did you have responsibilities that were dropped in order to move there? Do they have responsibilities they can't drop? What expectations of help do you have for them? How many hours a week or month did you want their help? Would you be primary and them secondary? What is the back up if YOU get sick?
There are tons of questions that need to be asked AND answered before a single sibling moves in to care for a shared parent. Once a sibling is installed full time in the home it is very easy for the other siblings to assume that one is in charge and will ask for help if they need it. And will be specific about the kind of help they need.
If you didn't set something up that everyone agreed to before moving in there are too many questions unanswered.
Each person has free will. They are not required to help provide hands on care simply because you agreed to it. Helping your parent doesn't always equate to hands on care. Sometimes it includes choosing the safest and best care option for your parent's needs. And if you need help and your siblings are unable or unwilling to help maybe it is time to think about your own limitations and where you made a promise and are trying to make a specific solution fit to keep it. Are there other options for you and for your LO that would keep the promise of taking care of them?
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Another vote that you should have discussed it with your sisters. You can't control the actions of others, only your own actions.

I hope you have POA/HCPOA. Use your mother's money to hire help. If she needs someone there 24/7 (which she probably does w/severe dementia), it is probably time for facility placement.

I understand your resentment; I truly do. And always in the back of my mind is the thought that just how great a mother was she if only one sib wants to help? She raised them to be that way, after all.

You will kill yourself, literally, with the stress you are under. Did you know that up to 40% of the caregivers of elders w/dementia die before the elder? Are you truly okay with being a martyr when you don't have to be one?
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"You have to be kidding me? Should I have said I spoke to them ? Discussed with them?
shat nonsense."

Yes you should have. Would you like to have been volunTOLD to do something you were not comfortable with or possibly incapable of doing? Unless your siblings made the same promise then backed out....you have no one to be mad at except yourself for having unrealistic expectations of others.
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jacobsonbob Dec 2020
"Voluntold"--what a great new (at least to me) word I'll have to remember! Thanks!
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Amy I hear you. I get what others have said in response to you but I also get what you are saying. No, you can't make others help and your promise is your promise, not your siblings. But.............and this is a big but. Where's the love? Where's the compassion? It's not a duty thing. It's a love thing. Isn't it?

If your Mother was an evil person then of course no one has an obligation to do anything. You didn't say what kind of person your mom is. But if she was a decent mother who did right by you and your sibs then they should help. They shouldn't need to be asked.

I was pretty much the only one in my family of many sibs who took it all on with my mom. They had their excuses. Careers, families etc. My opinion on all that is if you have time to still get your nails done, work out, etc. then you have time to help your mom. My sister, the odd time she did show up was groomed to the max, fresh haircut, immaculate nails. So, I thought, don't give me that crap that you don't have time. You had time for all that.

So Amy I do get it. My mom passed six and a half years ago but if I ponder it too long I get angry about how my siblings were. I've forgiven cause it's important for your own mental health to forgive but I haven't forgotten. I've lost a lot of respect for my sibs. That won't change.

Forgive them for your own mental health Amy. Continue to do the right thing by your mom if you can. Don't expect anything from anyone else.
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rovana Dec 2020
Are the sibs willing to help get mom into a facility? To pay for home caregivers? This is a legitimate way to help. Frankly I think it unfair to decide mom has to be kept at home and then try to rope in your sibs to your decision. The most living parents aren't entitled to devour their kids.
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"I Know I am making this choice".

It's OK to change your mind.
A good care plan should keep being re-evaluated & changed when necessary.

If it's not working for you - start making changes.

"I am trying to keep my promise".
What was your promise? Was it to provide the hands-on care 24/7 by yourself?
(I bet not).

My SIL once promised to care for a relative post surgery then *told* her sibs they *must* help her. She was told (politely) to take a hike.

You decide for YOU only. Would you like it if your sisters started telling you what to do?
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jacobsonbob Dec 2020
Beatty, that was one question I had--did AmyL13 make the "golden promise" or simply mean she would make sure her mother would receive proper care, whether at home or in a facility, or perhaps at home as long as possible and then in a facility?

I'm also wondering whether she's saying the "family issues" of the one sister and all the illnesses of the other are simply contrived excuses or if there are some legitimate issues--it's not clear from the original posting, but then she says she hates them (which would suggest she believes they are making excuses). Perhaps these issues all exist but she feels they wouldn't make her sisters unable to help.
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I think the problem here is that you "told" them that they had to take turns, instead of asking them if they would or could help you with moms care. And now you're mad at them? I think your anger is misdirected at them, when you're really mad at yourself for now being stuck in this situation, without help from anyone else. Your sisters are living and enjoying their lives, and that is something you should be doing as well.

It sounds like you need to hire some outside help for mom, so you can move out and live your life with your husband, or time to be looking into the appropriate facility for mom to move to. That way you can get your life back, and start enjoying it again. And you can also get back to just being her daughter and not her caregiver. Best wishes.
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AmyL13 Dec 2020
You have to be kidding me? Should I have said I spoke to them ? Discussed with them?
shat nonsense.
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What promise did you make, and to whom? If you made the ‘golden promise’ to your father about caring for your mother, not letting her go to a care facility, etc etc, you need to rethink it. You need to take care of your mother, but that doesn’t need to mean hands-on 24/7 personal care. It often doesn’t work, including finding that you don’t have the help you expected. If you made the promise to your sisters, on the basis that you would each do a third of the care, it also hasn’t worked, so you simply can’t perform as you expected.

‘Hatred’ and ‘rage’ aren’t doing you any good, and certainly aren’t going to help you ‘make peace’. Your husband hates the sisters too, and if you keep on the same track there is a good chance that he will start to hate you for effectively making him toe your line. You cannot make your sisters toe your line. Did your husband move in with Dad along with you, or has this effectively separated you already?

It’s understandable that you are upset that things haven’t worked out the way you thought they were going to. It would be a good idea to draw a line in the sand and approach the whole thing fresh, knowing a bit more about the resources you all have. This is not the way to go into the future.
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I have brothers. One lives 8 hrs away and he and wife work. SIL had BIG problems with her mother. Other brother was going thru a divorce. Neither tried to keep in touch with Mom. Birthdays missed, MDay missed, etc. One SIL was good about Mom but that was before the divorce. So...it was me. I chose not to get mad about it. Its what is is. I have no guilt, I was always there. I knew my limitations so I did have to place my Mom. First an AL then LTC.

We should never promise. You never know what life will bring. I had Mom in my home almost 2 years and just could not do the 24/7 thing and my DH helped. It was like caring for a big toddler that never grows up.

Just be ready when Mom passes, if she has any money, ur siblings will be right there. So, use whatever she has on her.
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But YOU made the promise. Did they make the promise too? You told them. I’m sorry but you can’t do that.
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