How to stop resenting do-nothing siblings?

what to do when I don't want to get over the anger?

Maggie do you show GSDs? I saw your avi and I show dogs, too!

A c c e p t e n c e that it will never change.....sometimes a neighbor who is handy is a good source....the less you count on those you cannot count on for anything and all you do is wrong....the more power you have......been there done that....if I had used all the energy I lost being pissed off and offended I would probably feel 10 yrs younger right now ay73! Take back your power, expect nothing, plan others help you could even ask the mailman if he knows someone in area who handily works on things. With wood squeaking sometimes getting baby powder in actually helps more than oil biut try both anyway....it is not about the squeak it is about all the irritations added together of those you cannot believe in or count on to solve problems....blood relations are not guaranteed to be the best help,etc....bless you...

I am the daughter in law who is the care giver. I do this because I love my husband. His mother lives with us. I struggle so with his sister. Before her mother came to live with us, we considered one another best friends so to speak. Due to my mother in law's narcissism, just being in her presence is mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. Most people who have met my mother in law, even just once, are very offended by her because of her judgments, and expression of annoyance much of the time. Clearly, my sister in law is aware of the challenges I have with her mother living in my home. I was taken completely by surprise and off guard when I asked my sister in law how she would be involved in helping out with my mother in law. My mother in laws mobility is very poor, and her memory has declined. We are unable to leave the house for a long period of time, more than a day or two even. Bottom line what she said to me hurt me because I thought she was my best friend. She came right out on a number of occasions to tell me how her family is her priority and always will be. They will come first no matter what. At no time will she make her mother or me a priority in her life. My husband and I have dialogued back and forth with her asking her if she would consider being more reasonable, but to no avail, she will not commit to a single thing. I had shared my feelings with her that I felt abandoned by her. Not only are we best friends, but after all, this is her mother. I should add that in the time that her mother has been with me, my sister in law has not received any more lashings out my her mother towards her because my mother in law now is being taken care of financially as well as emotionally. It is daunting to me that the family she speaks of that comes first is a husband who is financially the bread winner and her children are 16, 20, and 23. It has been nine months now that each morning that I wake up, I will schedule my day around what is going on for my mother in law, hair appointments, doc visits, trips to Boston, an hour and a half away, many times longer due to traffic, for her to see her specialists. Needless to say, I have become some one I did not know I was....resentful and full of anger towards my sister in law. Lately, in the last several days, I have actually found myself feeling resentful towards my husband who is very loving and understanding with me, yet, this is his mother and I still am the one who keeps company with his mother 24/7 with all that entails. I am going to begin seeing a therapist to help me cope with these ugly emotions and feelings I am experiencing. My sister in law must have some narcissism herself because she is puzzled why I have expressed to her that though I realize she has complete choice to do as she pleases in regards to refusing to come to any assistance I may need, hers and my relationship is different and we are not the friends that we once were. This had to be said to her, because naturally I was behaving differently and she wanted to know why. Now, since I have been honest with her, she has become down right mean to me in a number of ways, sending unkind texts, speaking behind my back to my own adult children and her mother. I am finding myself now unable to sleep at night because of my thoughts in regards to how challenging it is my life is right now with my being my mother in law's care giver and receiving no support from anyone. Well, thank u all for listening....I don't know what I am asking of you all. I just wanted to put it out there.....

Struggles - I just want to say I totally relate to what you're feeling. Your relationship with your SIL mirrors very closely my relationship with my eldest sister, who was my best friend in life until I started taking care of my mother. At that point, our relationship completely imploded. She was angry that I was "judging" her by being angry at her unwillingness to give me any help or support in my struggles to deal with our narcissistic elderly mother. Of course I expected her to help - she was my best bud and it was her mother too! I remember going crazy with agitation and resentment, hating my life and everyone in it, and feeling so alone with all those feelings. I remember being too agitated to sleep - it still happens after an especially bad day.

I dealt with it in two ways. One, going into therapy for a few years and two, pulling back from the situation and finding someone else to take care of my mother. (Not a family member). I see my mother once or twice a week now at most. I'm no longer at her beck and call, and I get sufficient time away from her to decompress.

Your situation would drive me berserk! Maybe you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband, and make clear that without a whole lot more support from the rest of the family, you're no longer prepared to be the caregiver for his mother. That's what I would do in your place. Wishing you the best!

struggles, your SIL did not cause her mother's narcissism. She did not cause her mother's mobility issues. She did not insist you take her mother into your home. I think you may be resenting and blaming the wrong party. Presumably you and your husband decided to take on this role, as you say out of love. It would be nice if other people wanted to help you. But it was your decision. There is no reason your decisions should obligate your SIL.

Now, if SIL begged you to take in her mother and promised to help you and now she isn't living up to her promise, go ahead an resent her. Shut her out of your life if you want to. But resenting her because she made a different decision about her mother than her brother did just doesn't make sense to me.

You need help. You need breaks. You had hoped you could et that from your good friend SIL. Oops. That didn't work out. Disappointing, but you still need help and respite. Arrange that. Pay for it with MIL's funds. What would you do if your husband was an only child?

I am very glad you are going to get some therapy. The energy you are wasting on nonproductive resentment could be used for better things!

Usually I agree with you jeannegibbs, but on this one issue I don't. I agree that everyone is free to make their own decisions, but I don't believe these decisions are made independently, or that they can be. Each person's decision affects the others, and is affected by them. If Struggles and her husband hadn't stepped up to care for MIL, SIL would be forced to step up whether she wanted to or not, no? The reality in most cases is that someone has to do it, and the less one person does, the more the remaining family members are stuck with doing.

I personally don't believe in unchosen obligations, including the supposed obligation of adult children to care for their parent. Unfortunately, though, there is often no other way to provide for the parent's needs. In that situation, I think people who care about one another will try to allocate the burden as fairly as possible. That's what I do, and that's what I expected my close siblings to do. I would love to be living out of state and see my mother only occasionally, but I wouldn't place that burden on the remaining caregivers (my one sister and my mother's live-in helper, who is a good friend of mine).

I don't blame Struggles for expecting more from her SIL. I suspect that if Struggles decided to stop caring for her MIL, the loudest objections would probably come from SIL, who is depending on Struggles to keep doing it all so that she doesn't have to do anything. Maybe that's incorrect, but that's what happened with my eldest sister/former BFF when I tried to cut back on my involvement with Mom. In her book, she was free to decide not to care for Mom, but I was not. That does not seem like it could possibly be right, to me.