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Aphena, your last couple of posts indicate to me the geriatric employee may be on to something. Your father may have some dementia, he may have some mental illness but that doesn't give him free reign to make your poor ten year old son miserable. My father was verbally abusive to me until,he died. He had problems as well, no dementia ever. I am 62 and I have scars from the verbal lashings I received. My last conversation with dad was him accusing me of wanting his money just because I was trying to get him help from the VA. He was a veteran and he had far more money than he wanted me to know.

I still feel inadequate due to the constant verbal and emotional abuse. Do something for your son now before it leaves permanent scars. Protect your son.
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When my Mom was 92 in February of 2012, she required medical attention for internal bleeding from the bowel; she had been prescribed warfarin to reduce the high risk of stroke. Twice the same week, I took her to Kaiser emergency for medical diagnosis and help. When the assigned doctor tried to admit her for a hospitalization, she got irate and absolutely refused to let just any doctor but her own admit her. Every day, she became weaker while passing dark stools. Finally, I reached her primary care doctor and had her properly admitted, got the colonoscopy and was treated just in time. Mom has bipolar mental illness, and at that time when she was mentally stronger, she wanted things to work out and be controlled only her way! In those earlier years, Mom alternated between extreme anger or depression. I lived with her and would know when to avoid her during her bad moods, but we would always seem to faithfully work things. I would not let her take advantage of me, so I always spoke up for myself or just walk away when her behavior became unreasonable. I love Mom and want what is comfortable for her..
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On a positive note here he has stopped the name calling. Previously I was a prostitute (not the term he used), which to be honest I laughed when he said it. I agree, we should not put up with the abuse, and I feel the best I can do right now until I have a diagnosis is to minimize the impact on myself and my son through education and avoidance when my Father get's verbally abusive.
I am holding on to hope that after the diagnosis he can get help and the symptoms become more manageable. I think that the behaviors have gone on so long now I am getting to burnout. To lesson readers worries my Son has a MT and a psychiatrist.
If my Father does not get better with treatment I am very aware I will have to place him somewhere as the impact on myself and my Son is more important than my morals. I do feel though that my Father deserves the "chance" to get better. I Would want it for me, however if I start treating my child as a slave, I would rather have them not deal with me.
Also, my gf comes to my home quite a bit and thank GOD he refrains from a lot when she is here. He responds better to her than I.
Has anyone successfully done a rule chart? I think that may be the next step at the moment. We can all sit down, make rules and consequences on a list together to try and lesson the negative behaviors.
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Of course your Father deserves the "chance" to get better. Absolutely. And that is why the moral thing to do is to place him where he can get the professional help he needs.
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Aphena right now you need to take care the important stuff make the appointment with the lawyer yourself and get POA for dad so you can make sure bills are paid etc. If he insists on writing the checks himself supervise and make sure they are mailed or you can write and have him sign
The situation you are in is what it is nothing is going to change. All the rules in the world that dad agrees to won't make him follow them. Do not give him tasks to do ahead of time he will forget by accident or on purpose. When you need something done like taking out the garbage sweeping the front path ask him at the time to do it. He wont bring his dirty laundry downstairs so when you are ready tell him to go and get it Don't ask him to bring anything important back from the store because he will "forget" it because he can and that gets a reaction from you. Go with him to the Dr appointments and tell them which drugs he has been forgetting. maybe he does not need them. Put his meal on the table at the same time as you and your sons. Call him to the table and if he does not come tell him a second time. If you and your son have finished and he is still in front of the TV just to bug you pack it up and put it in the freezer for another day. Tell him you threw it out as he was not interestedHe is welcome to make something else for himself. It certainly sounds as though dementia or something is going on with him and if it turns out to be dementia all bets are off and clearly you can not all remain under the same roof. he clearly takes great pleasure in getting a reaction from you maybe it is him maybe it is the disease but he is unlikely to change so you are the one who needs to take action and let others manage him. No he won't come home cured and behave himself because he knows he has to or go back wherever he has been. He will swear he has learned his lesson and is so sorry for everything he has put you through and anything else he can think of to get back home. But once through the door the model behaviour will go out the window. You are the one in charge now. You are the woman of the house not his daughter who has come home because she is sick and can't manage on her own so dig out your big girl panties you will be glad you did. learn all you can about dementia but a ten year old is too young to be involved in anything but the basics. let him be a child as long as he can and keep him away from Grandpa as much as possible.
Jeannie has learned the hard way a lot about mental illness and dementia so listen to her advice.
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This sounds simular to my mom. They actually don't see the obvious nor will they go look for it. I will tell mom where something is and she asks how did that get there? She cannot reason that no one else is bringing her "things", so it must have been ME. My feeling is that he CAN'T find the food and goes on the defensive when confronted maybe because he can't explain it either. I really agree with the statement "they can't reason things out". I was very impatient with mom until I read up on dementia/alzhiemers and realized she isn't able to remember where things are or reason why they are where they are.
I hope you get a doctors diagnosis and perhaps there are meds to help.
Otherwise, perhaps AL is needed. Hugs.
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If your Dad has dementia then he probably doesn't even recognise his behaviour. My Mum is 86 and after looking after her in my home for two years unfortunately I could not give her the care she needs. She had turned into my child and now asks my daughter who I am. It is a horrible disease and very cruel to watch, there is nothing you could have done to stop it. Regards
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You've received good advice. I'm coming from the professional school counselor perspective, thinking about your son, about getting additional support for him now, and relieving you a bit.

Your son is too young to have good coping skills for dealing with the situation. It's understandably impossible for you to buffer for him all the time or successfully minimize his exposure until your Dad is out of the house (even though you try).

But you can, if you haven't already, inform the school (his teacher and/or principal) there are problems at home. A good way to start is by saying “I need your help.” Just relate facts: Your dad (son's grandfather) lives with you. He has been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. He's (you fill in the adjectives--example argumentative, uncooperative, emotionally explosive). Your son is stressed. And while you’re working on changing things with your dad, you need their help.

Assuming your son is in a half-decent school, help is available: teacher, school psychologist, and/or social worker. The latter 3 have specific training.

If his teacher is sensitive, s/he has probably realized something is happening. S/he can be supportive by simply being a good listener. In addition, letting your son know sometimes stuff happens; and that your son is a good kid; and if he wants to talk about stuff the teacher is there for him--is also helpful and supportive, but not necessary. If your son likes another adult in the school (last year’s teacher??) that’s another support possibility.

Getting help from school personnel can also relieve you a bit to focus on what you need to do re: your Dad.

PS. A divorce expert wrote “even 8-year-olds can vacuum” (to help their newly-single mom). So your son can make dinner. (Give your son a simple can opener, hide the can of spaghetti from Dad, and avoid a potentially unpleasant problem,) Good luck.
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How old is your dad. What is his diagnosis. And why are earth are you leaving him alone with your ten year old son?
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"How do you separate yourself from the chaos"...

You just take away the chaos and emotional drama by taking control. You're basically running a nursing home. Nursing home caregivers need to assert control. That's why visitors believe they are so 'mean'. If they didn't assert this type of control, and routine, patients would be everywhere. In order to do this, they see it as a job and can disassociate.

One way to keep order is to treat patients all the same because the reality is these illnesses present and run basically the same course. While the personality traits may be different, the underlying disorders are the same.

So, you don't yell from the couch while you're watching tv to say to your dad, "Take your meds". You literally shut off the tv, get the medication, with the water, and say, with a happy face, sing songy voice, "Time to take your meds!" And you stand there and watch. This is going to take time and may take a few fake calls to the 'social worker' you've been talking with at the hospital.

BTW, One absolute is you have to accompany your dad into the doctor's office. To do this you need a health care proxy and permission from your dad to go into the doctor's office. You need to hear from the doctor's mouth what the doctor said, not hear what your dad said he said.

If you're living in his house, and he has dementia, you need to get a POA to do what's next. If he has dementia, you're in 'control'. Note: IF HE HAS DEMENTIA, that's the way it works. I believe people w/dementia work best when they're no longer fearful. There's more comfort in knowing they're being cared for, so they no longer feel scared. So, he's no longer the parent, you are. But you don't do this without some sort of empathy, because, after all, he is your dad.

Someone above or in another board, mentioned meditation techniques. I don't know whether you download your music or use CDs, but I have a CD player in my bedroom. I also have one set up in her bedroom. Each day we have nap time (and believe me, my mother didn't like naptime at first, now she just goes in). Why? Because I needed naptime. I didn't care what she did in her room as long as she was in there for at least an hour.

So, at naptime, I go in and listen to the CD. At first it was all the time. Now that I've learned the techniques, I can do it pretty much anywhere. The best one I've found is Roberta Shapiro, she has a set of three. I know Amazon has it.

Once your dad is on his meds and once you've settled into a routine, you can then punch in a little love here and there. You can go out a little bit, walk, do stuff together if he's able and bring your ten year old with you.
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Oh, and one more thing...there's also the 'My Whine Moment' along with What's the funniest thing your parent has said to you today" on this website. Even if you gain control, you're going to need to Whine. Seriously. Because this is the absolutely most frustrating thing I've ever done in my entire life, and that includes bringing up three toddlers all under the age of four, three dogs, two cats, two birds, a few hamsters 'lost', and after that, a divorce by a husband who was tired of the whole thing "Don't know why he was tired, he just worked :) Oh, and mixed in with all that, I took care of my MIL in the 80s into the 90s (she had this fourteen years) who had early onset ALZ...she was 50 at the time it appeared and I was the one with the kids at home, so it was up to me and my FIL to care for her because we, after all, 'didn't work'. Back then, there was no I net. Just a few ALZ books (I think three!) at the time. It wasn't that well known 'back then'.
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I raised two children (one with special needs)while caring for an parent. If the parent wants you to take care of everything and you let them run your life, it's likely going to affect your child(ren). If there is stress in the house, then the child will notice and will likely be tense about what they will face when coming home from school. My parent was not in our home but it still has an impact because you the caregiver are frazzled.

If your dad is of the age when women did all that kind of work, then as the others have mentioned, it's not likely you will change him. Is his income adequate to afford a hired caregiver-aide for a few hours day? Even a few hours, timed to work best for all of your family's needs, will be money well-spent.
Good luck to you, and don't wear yourself out.
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With the amount of bills he's created we are not even near close to affording private hire care. We run month to month with no savings. I am VERY aware that children can pick up on stress which is why I am trying very hard to reduce my anxiety. I think the knowledge of the impact on my Son heightens my anxiety. We have also had therapist in the home and he refused to follow the recommendations.
His psychiatrist recommended a group for him to get him out with no cost. They do fishing, etc. He will not call to inquire. He also has a tendency to blow off appointments, etc.
What is difficult for me to comprehend is I see he is capable of some things. He just flat out refuses. You remind him he still refuses and at times the "reminder" is perceived by him as nagging at which point he may use the "nagging" as an excuse to blow up.
For right now I am coping by not asking him to do much as it is only creating an emotionally hostile environment. He has been sitting on the current to do list now for over two weeks (that started with one task and now has maybe 4).
Oddly when he had his Neuropsych appointment without reminders, he took a shower and went all by himself. He even remembered the time.
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