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Imho, while it's certainly difficult to listen to critiquing of you by your mother, you must not believe what your mother is saying is true at all. Set boundaries. Prayers sent.
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I think it's great if people can 'Age in Place' while it is *reasonable*.

I also think it's great you have a team here with Brother & SIL. My advice is to check-in with them. How's it going? Is a small upgrade of services needed, or time for a whole new plan?

If Mother needs a cleaner - she hires a cleaner - this is reasonable. Anybody saying YOU have to be the cleaner - unreasonable. You can choose to if you wish of course!

Your profile says Mother has some dementia/Alz? The symptoms can differ but it is progressive.

To be blunt: Mother is no longer fully Independent.

Right now she is Inter-Depependant, relying on family. This will increase & can cause conflict as each sibling will differ in how much they can/will do. I think of it as a slippery slope until reaching the next stage: Dependant. By then most will need full-time caregivers (either in home or facility).

You are right to listen to your inner concerns regarding the cleaning... it is more than that. It is stepping onto the slippery slope.

What is reasonable for you to do? What is reasonable for your Bro & SIL to do before you all call time on IL & move to AL?
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Google “narcissistic mothers” and I promise you will be able to make much more sense of this!

Your brother is what’s called the Golden Child... the favorite. You, however, are the Scapegoat. Never doing anything right (in her eyes, anyway), blamed, criticized. It is extremely common that a narcissistic mother favors the son and craps on the daughter. They see daughters as competition or as a reflection of themselves... and that’s bad because Narcissistic moms, no matter how much they seem to love themselves, don’t.

There’s also a great book: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” By Karyl McBride. Great place to start.
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my2cents Oct 2020
My siblings make jokes about me being the favorite and, you guessed it, I'm the 24/7 caregiver. I'm not a golden child. The youngest in our family was probably the favorite for all of us. There's a reason that one of the kids ends up in caregiver role - it has nothing to do with who was the favorite. It only has to do with who was willing to do it.

It also has to do with personalities. My parent can be a little snippy and hardcore at times and I see the exact personality in a couple of my siblings. Especially in the oldest one who says she's not taking care of anyone.

I never had any more attention that the others. Never received all the praise. The difference was I didn't argue the stupid things with her. If it didn't matter, let it go. I have a personal expectation for myself of doing my best NOT to say anything I would regret should it be the last conversation with someone. Siblings and even my parent pretty much think it's ok to speak their mind. Right! Ok for them, but not for others! I refuse to deliberately hurt someone's feelings just to speak my mind. I can usually think about something and get my point out in a more diplomatic way.
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Why do you need to ask!
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Wouldn't it be nice if there were easy answers to all that goes into taking care of an elderly parent...not to mention the damage that can be done to sibling relationships. Those of us who are caregivers often put our own needs and feelings on the back burner in order to provide a comfortable life for our elderly parents.
Feeling unsure about setting ground rules sounds like you are feeling guilty about even thinking about it. Someone once told me that guilt is resentment turned inward.
Great suggestion to go in with your headphones on with your favorite music. Do what needs to be done, be as pleasant as possible, and leave before you start to feel like a child again trying to please a disapproving parent.
God Bless you....you are not alone.
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Read what you wrote, “I can never please my mother!” You told us the answer to your question. She can’t be pleased

Stop banging your head against her brick wall. You’re annoyed which is totally understandable. It’s horribly frustrating! I wish you peace.
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Have a written contract including that she pay minimum wage. Just because she is your mom does not give her the right to abuse you. Have it signed.
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Why does she have to be out of the apartment when you clean? If brother is doing all the other stuff to keep her in an ind living situation, cleaning is a small request of you.

If you don't want to do the cleaning, then hire someone and they work for YOU. She cannot fire them. If she has complaints about the cleaning, she takes it up with you. If legitimate, YOU deal with the cleaning service.

And no, you shouldn't be able to walk away from the arrangement the first time she complains. That's like setting this up to fail from the beginning since you already know she's going to complain about something. Like I said, if all brother asked for was cleaning, that's minor. Go do it, let her gripe a little, take her to lunch or bring lunch in and do your best to have a meaningful visit. If nothing else, clean and go home. Help your brother, don't hinder him.
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First of all she is in her mid 90s, So to your good fortune you have missed most of support duties. HOWEVER. As she gets older the duties get more needy BUT you know it wont last forever.

Telling your brother and his wife the first complaint from Mom and Im gone. Well then don't waste their time helping. I would think getting mom out for an hour or two while you do this task is a rational thing,

Having gone thru this with my wifes brothers and sisters while she carried the full burden for many years, they NEVER helped. if ALL they are asking is to clean her place once a week and they are carrying the rest. I suggest you role up your sleeves and help out. If Mom makes stupid comments ignore it. Think about helping your brother and his wife not her. Keep in mind some day you may be old and need some help. Also my Mother In Law was an absolute witch. I put up with a lot for a lot of years because my interest was supporting my wife not helping my Mother In Law.
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My answer would be "Yes I can help. I won't be her cleaner as that won't work for either of us, but I am willing to help Mom hire a cleaner".

The old S#!4 sandwich!
🍞💩🍞
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