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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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It's a partnership. You can't handle something and he can. I myself have no problem with feces, but the pain of one of my patients made me dizzy. My friend Robin couldn't stand sputum and she would often suction a patient in need standing there gagging herself.
Our bodily reactions to the bodily fluids of others are normal human vaso-vagal reactions that are a part of our genetic makeup for centuries of adaptation. You aren't alone and every nurse out there has SOMEthing that will send her heaving. Trust me. When I first witnessed circumcisions (don't believe them when they say they are painless) was when I first knew I couldn't "take" pain.
We do the best we can. That's all. Tell your hubby how much you appreciate him. That's all you can do.
Your mother is living with you and your husband for FIFTEEN YEARS and on a G tube to extend her life even further than 100! Yet you're using the word "guilt" here because you cannot bring yourself to clean up feces???? And you have people here telling you to just suck it up, basically. Unreal.
Agree. At 87 I have zero desire to reach 100. No one should have to deal with this situation, although I know that heroic caregivers (pros and non-pros) do it every day. I STRONGLY hope that I never live to experience poo incontinence. I have already specified in writing that I do NOT want feeding tubes, ventilators, dialysis, super-antibiotics, CPR or any other "heroic measures" at EOL. Still, if I should somehow manage to arrive at such a hapless point, I also strongly hope that my Final Exit can occur quickly and quietly via VSED or MAiD.
Well hiring help 24/7 may be too expensive . If that is the case , and you don’t want to do it , and you don’t want your husband to do it , then the option left is to place Mom in a facility.
Do you think your mother would want her son in law taking care of it ?
You know we all have things we can and cannot do - thats why we have people in our lives to help us. Husband is a God send and praise God he is able to do this. Instead of feeling guilt - give your husband a massage or an extra slice of pie for the great job he does. Give mom a hug and do what YOU can for her. Wash her hair, paint her nails, something that makes her feel good. Then after all that - hug yourself - give yourself permission to have a treat, a nap, get someone to sit with mom and you and husband have a dinner / movie night. Life is hard period! Know that as I am writing this I prayed for you, your family and situation! Cyber hugs!
A husband who doesn't mind changing his MIL's crapped in diapers. Now that is a man worth keeping and God bless him.
I had two husbands and it was their relationships with my mother were extremely strained on the best of days. I can't imagine either one of them wiping her a$$ or changing her dirty diapers.
I'll tell you one thing the OP's husband deserves a lot more than an extra slice of pie or a massage. Wiping MIL's backside and changing her diapers could be hall-pass worthy.
One way I shift is being GRATEFUL. Start creating a GRATEFUL list daily - aim for 10. That is easy if you make the list 'easy' - "I'm glad the sun is out today." . . . "I'm grateful my husband is so caring for my mom."
This will help your brain start shifting to thoughts 'all the time' when situations come up ... as thousands do every day. You can shift your thoughts (reframe thoughts) to "what am I grateful for in this situation).
INDEED . . . you are very fortunate to have a husband so caring and especially in this area of personal need. How many of US out here have a husband / partner like that ? Count your blessings.
Guilt is a waste of time. That doesn't mean it goes away just because we know that. It is a nasty one. Still . . . we can reframe / have an intention to change how we feel in the moment. Know that you are not STUCK with your feelings. That is a first step (awareness). Once you know that, give yourself options: "Well, I ALSO feel gratitude for my loving husband. " The key here is ALSO. You don't push a feeling away, you move it to the side to allow (an/) other (s) to come in.
In general, ask yourself how you can reframe guilt into another feeling. Once you do this, you will open the door to many other (positive) feelings. Belief you DESERVE to feel FREE of guilt. That is the first step. Then miracles will happen.
Gena / Touch (ps - I'm grateful for your husband. What a gem)
Some of y’all are not understanding that this isn’t a matter of getting used to it. The body reacts out of reflex.
It would be like getting used to the doctor tapping your knee with that little mallet, to the point where your knee doesn’t do the automatic small kick anymore. You can think distracting or happy thoughts all you want, but you cannot control what happens.
If your Mom is 100 years old, you are most likely pushing 70 if not more. I don’t blame you having difficulty . Caregiving doesn’t get any easier the older you all get . I feel sorry for all 3 of you .
There are people who can not stand to deal with poop, without gagging. They are fine with anything else, just not poop. We all have our own threshold when it comes to certain things. I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.
However, the care your mother requires seems to be placing quite a burden on you and your husband. I'd like to remind you that there is also no shame and no guilt in finding a suitable care facility for your mother. Perhaps you've just become used to doing this, since she has lived with you for 15 years. And she has become comfortably dependent on you. You may have some cultural beliefs or emotional strings which make you feel obligated to provide her care. You and your husband are likely not that young yourselves and this was probably not the way you wanted to spend your retirement years. It's time for you to take an assessment. Are you really able and willing to provide all the care your mother needs at this point? If not, that is what nursing homes are designed for. Do a tour though, before you go that route. All nursing homes are not the same. Find one that you can feel good about.
My Mother doesn't want to go into a facility. She still has a spark of life left and it would just break her heart. She cared for me all of her life and I think I should do the same. If she had dementia or alzheimers and didn't know us then it would be a different situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You can't handle something and he can.
I myself have no problem with feces, but the pain of one of my patients made me dizzy.
My friend Robin couldn't stand sputum and she would often suction a patient in need standing there gagging herself.
Our bodily reactions to the bodily fluids of others are normal human vaso-vagal reactions that are a part of our genetic makeup for centuries of adaptation. You aren't alone and every nurse out there has SOMEthing that will send her heaving. Trust me. When I first witnessed circumcisions (don't believe them when they say they are painless) was when I first knew I couldn't "take" pain.
We do the best we can. That's all. Tell your hubby how much you appreciate him. That's all you can do.
You have done more than enough, no reason for the guilt, I wouldn't change her diaper either.
Guilt is a sell-imposed emotion that serves no purpose except to keep one stuck, you have done nothing wrong.
If that is the case , and you don’t want to do it , and you don’t want your husband to do it , then the option left is to place Mom in a facility.
Do you think your mother would want her son in law taking care of it ?
I had two husbands and it was their relationships with my mother were extremely strained on the best of days. I can't imagine either one of them wiping her a$$ or changing her dirty diapers.
I'll tell you one thing the OP's husband deserves a lot more than an extra slice of pie or a massage. Wiping MIL's backside and changing her diapers could be hall-pass worthy.
Start creating a GRATEFUL list daily - aim for 10. That is easy if you make the list 'easy' - "I'm glad the sun is out today." . . . "I'm grateful my husband is so caring for my mom."
This will help your brain start shifting to thoughts 'all the time' when situations come up ... as thousands do every day. You can shift your thoughts (reframe thoughts) to "what am I grateful for in this situation).
INDEED . . . you are very fortunate to have a husband so caring and especially in this area of personal need. How many of US out here have a husband / partner like that ? Count your blessings.
Guilt is a waste of time. That doesn't mean it goes away just because we know that. It is a nasty one. Still . . . we can reframe / have an intention to change how we feel in the moment. Know that you are not STUCK with your feelings. That is a first step (awareness). Once you know that, give yourself options: "Well, I ALSO feel gratitude for my loving husband. " The key here is ALSO. You don't push a feeling away, you move it to the side to allow (an/) other (s) to come in.
In general, ask yourself how you can reframe guilt into another feeling.
Once you do this, you will open the door to many other (positive) feelings.
Belief you DESERVE to feel FREE of guilt. That is the first step. Then miracles will happen.
Gena / Touch (ps - I'm grateful for your husband. What a gem)
With all due respect to the gratitude plan you recommend for the OP, it literally be no help whatsoever in dealing with the sh*t.
What will help in dealing with the poop is trying masks and different odor-eliminating products.
Seriously, if the OP invests in a bottle of Pooph! spray, she will be very grateful indeed.
It would be like getting used to the doctor tapping your knee with that little mallet, to the point where your knee doesn’t do the automatic small kick anymore. You can think distracting or happy thoughts all you want, but you cannot control what happens.
However, the care your mother requires seems to be placing quite a burden on you and your husband. I'd like to remind you that there is also no shame and no guilt in finding a suitable care facility for your mother.
Perhaps you've just become used to doing this, since she has lived with you for 15 years. And she has become comfortably dependent on you.
You may have some cultural beliefs or emotional strings which make you feel obligated to provide her care. You and your husband are likely not that young yourselves and this was probably not the way you wanted to spend your retirement years. It's time for you to take an assessment. Are you really able and willing to provide all the care your mother needs at this point? If not, that is what nursing homes are designed for. Do a tour though, before you go that route. All nursing homes are not the same. Find one that you can feel good about.
Why haven’t you looked into a facility for your mom?