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Hi! I feel your pain and concern. I just completed a 7 year volunteer overseer for a former neighbor with Parkinson’s/ Lewy Body Dementia. As her symptoms worsened, I became her POA. As such, I became responsible for the many tasks you outlined, Arranging 24 he care and monitoring Care Givers, Medication Management, Medical and Physician interface, paying bills as well as Home and Property Issues. A window, she had one son who lived on the east coast, she on the west coast! He chose no personal or family involvement. He visited annually but he vacationed so to speak.
She got Covid from a Caregiver (please do not hire if not tested or vaccinated).
Het Covid symptoms passed but did not help her Parkinson’s and she passed away.
So all of this is to tell you that the first person you must take care of is YOU.
i would talk to the Social Worker at the Rehab and advise all details of his situation. She should be able to help you file for SSI through Medicare and most assuredly he will receive Medicaid, which would help pay for care at a facility that has Dementia safe facilities.
I also found an Elder Care Lawyer a great aid in guiding me as a POA. They can better advise on steps to manage the house and other assets.
I would recommend that you ask for some remuneration in the form of a contract. I know this work is time consuming and takes away from all of your personal responsibilities. You have given so much of yourself that you are feeling depleted. Money is a source of energy and it should be received as well.
Just some thoughts...
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I would have him evaluated while he is in rehab for 24/7 care. If its found he needs 24/7 care then you need to determine how much care he needs. An AL will be cheaper but is restricted in the care they give. So LTC maybe a better choice. For now, this will need to be private pay because your Dad owns rentals. His house will be an exempt asset under Medicaid but I don't think his rentals will be. To receive Medicaid, they may have to be sold at Market Value and the proceeds used for his care.

I don't know how you are doing all of this from a distance. You may want to talk to a lawyer in Dads area that is well versed in Medicaid and can give you advice on his rentals. Maybe you can hire a firm to handle Dads rentals. Being a POA does not mean you have to do all the work. You can distribute it. You may want to check into Family Leave where u work. It has been mentioned here it can be taken in increments.
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sunbrooke Apr 2021
He doesn't own rentals, just his own house which he still owes a lot on.
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If he was dehydrated and had a UTI, he wasn't getting very good, or enough, or effective homecare. He neds full time supervision.

It sounds like he has assets (as in a home and realty) that can be sold, or put under management to fund his care.

"Dad, the doctor says this is where you need to be right now. I can no longer handle managing your properties, so either you hire a realty company or sell the rentals. You need the funds to pay for your care".
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sunbrooke Apr 2021
He only has the house he's been living in which he still owes a lot on, possibly no real equity there.
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Please keep in mind EVERYONE “wants to go home”, and very VERY rarely are able at some point to appreciate the obligations and consequences of cari g for themselves.

Your work load already demonstrates that your father is unaware of his lack of ability to manage his own affairs.

Consider also that you DO have options. It is your FATHER whose options are diminishing.

If your POA was drawn up by a lawyer, you can contact that person and have the Bill sent to your father, and indicate at the same time that you are doing all that you are doing, and can no longer manage.

Dad’s SAFETY is critical and YOUR SAFETY IS TOO. Start today to ignore anyone and everyone who chooses from afar to tell you what do.
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What took him to the short-term rehab place this time?

What sort of dementia, and how advanced?

How far apart and how different (I mean in terms of climate, local culture etc.) are your respective states?
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sunbrooke Apr 2021
Hi countrymouse, he was in the hospital for a UTI and dehydration, then the PT at the hospital determined he needed full time PT and so he was taken to the rehab for that.

Alzheimers, he always knows who I am and can have coherent conversations but has little short term memory and can't do much for himself.

I'm on the east cost, he's in the midwest.
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sunbrooke, you have way too much on your plate. No wonder you are stressed out, I know, been there, done that, haven't have time to wash the t-shirt.

Tell your Dad either you step down, he returns to his home, and have his other children take over..... or he moves to Senior Living and you will continue overseeing his bills, and managing his health.... but the rentals need to go and so does his house.

If he bulks at these two choices, tell him up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring, what would he do if you passed on?

Don't give up your life so that your Dad can continue his lifestyle with a lot of help.
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sunbrooke Apr 2021
thank you so much for understanding.
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Please leave him there long term. ...short term will be paid by Medicare for at least a month...then the secondary will be a copayment....you can’t take him home. It’s not safe. Also, see Elder Care Atty for help in Medicaid application ...after the short term rehab ends..Hugs 🤗
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Being POA does not mean you have to do everything yourself.
It now is not what Dad wants its what he needs. He needs a AL. Does your POA give you the right to sell, then I would do it. Sell his home, his rentals. Or use the rentals to pay for his care in an AL.
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Frebrowser Apr 2021
I agree. You definitely need to find ways to decrease the amount of work required and delegate much of what is left if in order to maximize your ability to continue to act as POA at all.

I would suggest getting expert tax advice before selling the rentals. The depreciation that gives rentals a cash flow advantage, is recaptured on sale. I'm not saying not to sell, but don't let the resulting tax bill be a surprise. Installment sale might stretch out the tax bill or 1031 exchange into something with better income might help, but an an expert can tell you the advantages and disadvantages.

If it all feels too expensive, remember the likely alternative is likely state guardianship, which will not minimize expenses.
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How much property does he have that's rented out, and how many tenants?    You might consider hiring a property manager for these functions, although I doubt that it will be cheap.
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Then he will have to sell the rental property, use that money up and then apply for Medicaid.

Is he safer in the facility?

He may have to do what is best for him and not what he wants.

None of us gets everything we want, especially at someone else's expense.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Edit: if nobody takes care of him, the state will intervene and take control of him. This may be the only way to save yourself. He doesn't get to kill you because he doesn't want to change anything. It sucks that we have to go there with our parents but, they created the situation.
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Thank you isthisreallyreal, the problem is he is also running out of money! So what do I do in that case...
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M209M209 Apr 2021
My heart is breaking for you. You are at wits end and overwhelmed with responsibilities. I was there once. Sole responsibility for my mentally ill mother most of my life. Three thousand miles apart and working full time. I became a mess. Obese, excessive alcohol, increased depression and anxiety. It has been five years since she passed away. I lost 80 pounds, stopped drinking and still working on depression and anxiety but it is manageable. It is a burden that most of us can not bear. Write down everything you have questions about. Write down what you believe your options are. Chip away at your list as best you can. Above all talk to someone to get help for him and for you. Doctor, social worker, A Place for Mom, attorney... whoever you can find. You will get through this. Small steps at a time. Come here often for solace, advice or a shoulder to cry on. Hugs from me to you ❤️
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Hire all of this out with dads money.

Get a property management company for the rental, they earn their money dealing with everything with the house and tenants.

A care manager will help dad with his in home help and report to you. They can also deal with all of his medical appointments and transportation to and from.

This will cost him and he will probably not like having to pay for all of the services that you now do for free.

Get all of his bills online and then you just have to go online monthly and send a bank check. Most bills can be rescheduled and then you have one due date for everything.

Being POA doesn't obligate you to kill yourself to prop up his charade of independence. You matter as much in this situation as he does.
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