I'm concerned for my mom. I am her primary caretaker but I don’t live with her. I have a caregiver that lives with her. She has been having memory lapses but has lately gotten worse. She thinks she is living 60 years ago. Asking for her mom and family members that have passed long ago. I’ll get phone calls from her asking me to call her mother to tell her she’s running errands. Meanwhile she’s at her house bed ridden and not able to walk. I get different advice from her nurses that I should be truthful to her when she’s clearly having these delusions. I’ve tried being honest but she gets very confused. I’ve lately just follow her story and then try to distract her. And I think that’s better. At least for now. I don’t know what to expect moving forward. It’s very hard. I’m the daily go to child. I have 2 older brothers who are M.I.A. most of the time. It’s a Cuban culture thing apparently. Although I disagree. A son or daughter should have the same responsibilities to their parents. I did the same with my dad who passed 6 years ago.
I most of the time feel guilty for not doing more for her. But I have my own family as well. The guilt can be cumbersome.
She has declined rapidly since a little before the pandemic began. I put her in palliative care then was recommended to move her to home hospice so she could have more care. I have been reading this forum for about a year now and it has helped me a lot, but just decided to ask my own question today.
Will these episodes she has evolve to where she no longer lives in the present? I pray God has mercy on her. I feel she suffers a lot with this.
Thanks for listening.
If Mom had said to me "call Mom and tell her I am running errands" I would tell her "OK I will call her for you". And it is recommended not to tell someone suffering from Dementia that someone died. Some relive the grief. Others may say "Oh, Ok". Like said, if you can't get the question out of their head, you be honest.
So it depends on how adamant your mother is with her line of questioning about the dead relatives, you know? Many times when my mother is not acting insistent I will tell her that her mama is not available at the moment, or sleeping, or cooking or whatever. It's only when her anxiety & interrogation techniques are ramped UP that she gets the truth. Plus, she'll forget all about it in short order ANYWAY.
What I have found with my almost 95 year old mother and her dementia is this: she regresses backwards in time continuously. She has moments of lucidity where she's in the present moment, but basically she's back in New York city, riding the subway and living in a cold water flat with some of the other family members like they did in the 40s. Although nothing is constant either, so I have no idea what tomorrow or next week will bring. And THAT, to me, is the worst part of the whole horrible dementia situation: the not knowing what to expect. Or what story I'll have to drag out of my arsenal of tricks to keep her calm this time. There doesn't seem to be any good answer for our poor mothers, and I too pray that God has mercy on both of them. In fact, I pray daily that God takes her back Home so she can end her suffering here, once and for all. A life with no quality and just chaos and confusion is no life at all, is it?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation, and no guilt, either. You don't need to heap that useless emotion on yourself! It's like I tell my mother; You're doing the best you can, mom, and nobody can fault you for that. Same goes for you and I!! One day at a time.
God bless you and your momma too .
The nurses that told you to tell your mom that the people that she wants to talk to are dead are WRONG. Each time she is told that she will react much the same way as if the death just happened. Any of these would work..
"mom went to the store." "grandma went for a walk" "the kids are in school, they will be home later"
What she wants and needs to know is...
She is safe, she is cared for.
Tell her that you love her, you will see her soon.
Tell the caregivers that they should redirect mom when she is asking for anyone that has died. They can change the subject, they can get her a snack, they can turn on some music or a movie.
I think the idea of Hospice is wonderful. She will have more help coming in. Any equipment that is needed Hospice will get. Supplies and medications will be delivered. A Nurse will come weekly, more often if needed to check on her. A CNA will some a few times a week to bathe her and order supplies. If you need equipment to help caring for her easier and safer Hospice will have that delivered.
Each decline is different so there is no telling exactly what will happen. Generally her body will just begin to stop functioning.
((hugs)) this is not easy!