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if you read my past posts I'm sure its evident that caring for my mother has been a chaotic mess. I have done so much work and given up so much of my life for an alcoholic that refuses to get help. Al anon has taught me I cannot control the alcoholic. I can only better myself and save myself. I have chased down so many enablers to get them to stop. I have spent SO MUCH money. I have canceled important events and trips. I have even changed jobs and entire lifestyles to make enough money and have enough time to be available for my mom. I don't even use my college degree anymore.



today mom's primary caregiver walked out on her because of the drinking and screaming. I decided I need to too. I will not swoop in and save the day like I have for years. I called her social worker to let her know that this is it - I have done so much and to no avail. I told mom I will not be coming in to care for her and if she needs care she needs to call the social worker or 911. I have got to stop this endless cycle of picking up the pieces. Because that's all I do. I slap bandaids on every crisis and issue while trying to keep my own life together, and I can see the facade starting to crack.



I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent. I wish I could forever. I tried. I tried for 5 years to keep mom safe and sound. 5 years later its still a fight to get through each day. My health is suffering. My fiance is watching me go nearly mad. My job is suffering. I had to start medications to stop suicidal ideations. I am nothing without my health and sanity, so I need to step away and step back. Today I finally did that and I hope for good. If I save the day again, I will be in this exact same spot before I know it.



So, for the first time ever, I am choosing to not save the day. I am choosing myself over my mother. I am choosing my fiance over my mother.



I am sorry if this post is upsetting or offending to anyone who may disagree with me or think of me as selfish. everyone's situation is so different, and there is no good answer for my mom. every path forward is detrimental to somebody somehow. I've thought of every possible option, and I've exhausted local resources.



I don't know if i'll come back on this site but I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and talked me out of really low points.

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AJ, I think you are doing the ONE thing that will get your mom the help she needs.

Sometimes stepping away is the correct and loving move.
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Congratulations on reclaiming your life. I wish you nothing but the best, success and happiness. You deserve it.

So many are unable to be strong and brave and walk away like you are doing.

The result is years and years of misery and suffering for them. I hope this post gives someone else the courage to do the same.
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Keeping an alcoholic with dementia at home is not my idea of noble, to me it is insanity at its best.

I wish you the very best that life has to offer, you deserve it!
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Good for you!!! Apparently it's about time huh?
Your mother will NEVER get the help she so desperately needs if you or anyone else keeps swooping in to save her(yes that's called enabling).
So again, good for you for FINALLY putting yourself and your fiancé first.
We can't save anyone but ourselves and I'm glad that you're taking the steps to finally save yourself.
I wish you the very best on this new journey of self care.
God bless you.
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Congratulations on a good decision for both you and mom. Please let us know how you’re doing after the dust settles.
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I support you. You have to save yourself.. Well done, you.
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Proud of you!
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Good for you! Many of us wish we could do the same!
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I don’t think it’s selfish. I wish I could walk away. I don’t have the courage to yet. I hope you can rest, heal, and find peace.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Hoping that you get there! I’m cheering for you. I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict.
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You can only save yourself......you can never save an addict who doesn't want to BE saved. That's the truth. If anyone says otherwise or calls you "selfish", they've never had to deal firsthand with an addict who's motto is "To the exclusion of all else." In your mother's case, the booze comes first, to the exclusion of all else including you, your job, your home, your fiance, etc. She'd watch it all go down the drain as long as she could have another drink. Now THAT is the definition of selfish!

Best of luck to you and your fiance moving forward and taking your lives back.
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aj, well done!!!

Enjoy your hard won freedom and life.

Great big warm hug!
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Please don’t feel defeated, choose empowered instead, maybe not today, but in time. You chose health and wellness, and that’s always wise. Your post is filled with words that so many need to read and soak in, there’s no nobility in sacrificing your well being. I’m so glad you’ve decided differently and hope you’ll be able to check in here and be a light to others who so need to do exactly what you’re doing. Your mother will be cared for. I wish you healing and peace
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I am so proud of you! I’m happy that you have made the right decision for yourself and your mom.

I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him because he refused to seek treatment for his addiction. He died many years ago.

My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, his sobriety didn’t last. Some people are successful in their recovery and remain sober. I hope this will be the case for your mom.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

Courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference…

This is a beautiful prayer that addicts pray daily. I personally feel that it is a beautiful prayer that all of us can benefit from.

We can only do so much. You have tried numerous times to help your mom. She is the only person who can make the decision for change in her life. Hopefully, one day she will.

Best wishes to you and your mom. Thank you for giving us an update and please keep in touch if you want to.

People who are struggling with the same issue as you have been dealing with will learn from your experiences.
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Good for you. Stay strong.
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Brava, AJ! 😊👏💐
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This is exactly what you must do. Good luck.
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AJ, my sincerest congratulations, and a big standing ovation to you for this VERY sane decision! Make it stick! You did not make your mother a drunk, and you certainly can’t make her a sober person.

Enjoy your new freedom!
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Yay aj!! You go girl❤️
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polarbear Jun 2023
I think aj is a guy. Right aj?
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"I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent."

That's not nobility, that's stupidity. You did the right thing.
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You did the right thing AJ! Praying for your strength, better health, peace of mind and heart, and more on this part of your journey.
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You should’ve called 911 before you left & say she’s a danger to herself & others. They will hospitalize her. & then go to rehab. Get ball rolling tomorrow with this plan. Good luck. Hugs 🤗
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Thank you everyone. This is so hard. Harder than saving the day and fixing the issue at hand. I keep reminding myself if I feel anxious, just call 911 and have a welfare check done. Mom has a phone. She can call 911 too. I feel guilty that she might end up in a real pickle without me but also that's kind of the point. I've been keeping her out of said pickle for years!!! My aunt said she was going over there tomorrow to check on her. I am not alone. I am not a bad person. I can't control everything all the time. I'm not evil for doing this. I can still love my mom and not be in her life. I have to keep repeating these things to myself. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2023
Everything you said is correct. Still wishing you healing and peace
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aj- YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.

Enabling her may look like helping but it's actually harming. It harms her and it harms you.

By stepping away, you give your mother an opportunity to learn the consequences of her actions. She then has a choice to do better. She may or may not make use of that opportunity. It's ENTIRELY up to HER.

You can not control or change her. So, do not feel guilty.
If anyone ever tells you that you're selfish, tell that idiot to walk a mile in your shoes then talk.
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I requested a welfare check today with the local police saying she is total care and nobody from the care company has shown up. Mom asked for me to come over and get her water and her phone charger. I said I simply can't. She said "you'll regret it". I told her it was her own doing and she said it wasn't. I asked who was coming to care for her and she said "I don't know."

I feel like crap but I kept the boundary. I mean yes I can go over there and get her water but then that would lead to getting her up and out of bed and I'd just fall into the trap of being her sole caregiver. I will follow up with what the police find out. I feel like trash. Absolute trash. I feel like the worst daughter ever.
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2023
You did the right thing. You called the cops.

Your mother is the one who will regret this. She's projecting her feelings on to you. Do NOT accept delivery of that guilt trip.
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THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO . You having your life ruined over an alcoholic who will not change is wrong no matter how old mom is .

Having anyone’s life ruined is wrong when trying to take care of a difficult elderly person , or when they become too ill that the adult child can’t provide the care that they need.

Your mom needs professional help . And you need your life back . You did not give up today . You saved yourself , but it’s hard , but you took the first right step in the right direction . Good luck .
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Awesome. Good for you. You have done the right thing!!! You are not selfish, you are caring for yourself and that's the healthy thing to do. You are NOT the worst daughter. Enabling her is not doing her any favours, or yourself.

The pattern of addiction and abuse continues until someone changes That would be you. So very well done!!!

Alanon is a good idea for you. (((((hugs))))
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Thank goodness for the wisdom you started to get the day you walked into Al-Anon. I recommend it over and over again for its knowledge and its support. You are responsible to yourself and for your own life; to make it the best life you are able to. I so congratulate you.
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5 years of caring for her was a gift. You are right to finally put an end to it. You gave way more than she deserved. But of course it's also hard - many huge changes in our lives are. Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do even if it doesn't feel wonderful on all levels yet. Stick by your guns and give yourself permission to have the life YOU deserve!
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Proud of you for realizing what needs to be done and doing it. You can't save someone who has no interest in saving themselves. It might be better if your aunt doesn't give you an update on your mother's condition. Also block your mom's number for a couple weeks and let the dust settle. Don't be available for anything.
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Today was hard. I keep stewing over what will happen. What's next for her. It's hard to not spiral. And I'm exhausted. I told my boss that I was sick because if I didn't go sleep that instant I was going to fall asleep at my desk. I'm probably grieving in a way which is why I'm so tired.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2023
What will happen with your mom will happen regardless of your actions. She determines her course, not you. Accept that you don’t control the choices or destiny of another. And rest in that knowledge
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