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if you read my past posts I'm sure its evident that caring for my mother has been a chaotic mess. I have done so much work and given up so much of my life for an alcoholic that refuses to get help. Al anon has taught me I cannot control the alcoholic. I can only better myself and save myself. I have chased down so many enablers to get them to stop. I have spent SO MUCH money. I have canceled important events and trips. I have even changed jobs and entire lifestyles to make enough money and have enough time to be available for my mom. I don't even use my college degree anymore.



today mom's primary caregiver walked out on her because of the drinking and screaming. I decided I need to too. I will not swoop in and save the day like I have for years. I called her social worker to let her know that this is it - I have done so much and to no avail. I told mom I will not be coming in to care for her and if she needs care she needs to call the social worker or 911. I have got to stop this endless cycle of picking up the pieces. Because that's all I do. I slap bandaids on every crisis and issue while trying to keep my own life together, and I can see the facade starting to crack.



I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent. I wish I could forever. I tried. I tried for 5 years to keep mom safe and sound. 5 years later its still a fight to get through each day. My health is suffering. My fiance is watching me go nearly mad. My job is suffering. I had to start medications to stop suicidal ideations. I am nothing without my health and sanity, so I need to step away and step back. Today I finally did that and I hope for good. If I save the day again, I will be in this exact same spot before I know it.



So, for the first time ever, I am choosing to not save the day. I am choosing myself over my mother. I am choosing my fiance over my mother.



I am sorry if this post is upsetting or offending to anyone who may disagree with me or think of me as selfish. everyone's situation is so different, and there is no good answer for my mom. every path forward is detrimental to somebody somehow. I've thought of every possible option, and I've exhausted local resources.



I don't know if i'll come back on this site but I want to say thank you to everyone who has given me advice and talked me out of really low points.

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I applaud your courage to make these huge changes for your own good AND for your mom's good. You are already two weeks in. Don't give up. You have earned your freedom.
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Aj, so glad you’re sharing updates here, it’s helpful to others to see your story and gain hope from your progress. PTSD isn’t surprising to me, I’d bet I have some from the way my mentally ill sibling treated me during my father’s last weeks. It was just an awful time and our relationship, while I can truly say all is forgiven, will never recover and be the same. That’s because I’m wiser after the experience. And you’re becoming wiser too, like deleting the camera app, great move on your part. I wish you continued healing and peace
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@southernwave - I did schedule with a therapist that does that starting this thursday. I do think I have some undiagnosed PTSD. I've been reading about it and apparently its really common in caregivers. I didn't know that.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
aj,

I dealt with PTSD from my caregiver days.

I actually had to confront and deal with several issues afterwards.

I was struggling with being extremely sensitive to certain situations. They would bring back so many memories for me.

It can be really painful to look back. For me, it took being away from the turmoil to realize just how intense it was.

It takes time to settle and find peace.

While I feel that it is important to grieve for what we wish could have occurred in our lives, we can’t allow ourselves to remain in those dark days.

I wish you all the peace and joy that life has to offer. You certainly deserve it!

I’m glad that you acknowledge that this is your time now.
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(((((hugs)))) aj. You have identified one of the main things you need to deal with - the anxiety. I think it keeps many people in a sort of bondage. I agree counselling will likely help you. Find someone you are compatible with. Meanwhile deep breathing exercises can help a lot. There are many videos demonstrating it on the internet.

No question that you are doing the right thing. You absolutely are. Well done!!!
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You have done more than enough. Today is your independence day, enjoy some time with your fiance and don't look back. Do something fun and breathe easy, you certainly deserve peace of mind and happiness
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I can’t say how much I wish you the best.

You did the right thing, don’t doubt yourself for a second.
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aj- I hope you will get used to the idea of mom being responsible for her own life/decisions. Only then will the guilt feeling go away. Right now, you still feel responsible to make her happy.

Hang in there. Don't give in.
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Its been two weeks since I've stopped contact with the care company, the social workers, and my mom (mostly). It's been two weeks of a weird (and awful) mix of anxiety and peace. It's the longest stretch I've had without an 'emergency' needing my personal attention. Mom has had to call 911 a few times because a caregiver didn't show. Almost went to the hospital once but she said the EMTs wouldnt take her?

Spoke to mom a handful of times. She asked the first day for me to come over and I said no. She hasn't asked since in the 3 or 4 times we've spoke. She did ask I stop treating her like she's dead. I said I'm not - I'm trying to re-gain control of my life and that means minimal contact. It's 50/50 every day whether I regret this choice or not. She said "I'm not asking you to come over but I am asking you to call or text once in a while." I said I will call once in a while but not multiple times a day like before.

Sometimes the anxiety eats me alive. I've had trouble sleeping or sleeping too much. Sometimes my life feels rather quiet now. Its amazing what two weeks does. I do have to go over there this week to drop off the rent. It's the one thing mom can't do because the apartment requires cashiers check. I'm trying to get mom to realize that in a facility you don't have to worry about people showing up or being alone. You'd think two weeks of poor care would make her see that.

Anyways, wanted to provide an update. Two weeks into this minimal/no contact and its so hard. I don't feel any better but my days are predictable now. Anxiety and guilt are still on my shoulders, but its been an incredible exercise in restraint to stay away and not swoop in to save the day.
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southernwave Jun 2023
My suggestion is to find a therapist who does a treatment called EMDR. Google it. I really think it would benefit you.
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AJ, how are you doing today?
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aj6044 Jun 2023
I am doing ok I think. Staying busy. Working really hard to stay focused at work. I've been sleeping a lot but I don't think that's a bad thing right now at least. I deleted the security camera app from my phone so I won't check in on mom that way either.
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((((aj))))) Making these changes is hard. I am sure you are grieving. I use deep breathing when my mind is spinning over things and listening to music. Stewing, while very natural and normal, doesn't help anyone - least of all, you. Your job right now is to concentrate on you, on grieving and healing and building a better life for you. A little exercise, good nutrition, relaxing time with friends or alone, a hot bubble bath, a good cup of coffee or your favourite tea, reading, journaling your thoughts and feelings - these are things that will help you get through this,

Many people find the Serenity prayer good for them.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; taking this world as it is and not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen.   

Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Let go and let God with your mother.
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aj6044 Jun 2023
Sounds like you go to Al anon ❤️
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Today was hard. I keep stewing over what will happen. What's next for her. It's hard to not spiral. And I'm exhausted. I told my boss that I was sick because if I didn't go sleep that instant I was going to fall asleep at my desk. I'm probably grieving in a way which is why I'm so tired.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2023
What will happen with your mom will happen regardless of your actions. She determines her course, not you. Accept that you don’t control the choices or destiny of another. And rest in that knowledge
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Proud of you for realizing what needs to be done and doing it. You can't save someone who has no interest in saving themselves. It might be better if your aunt doesn't give you an update on your mother's condition. Also block your mom's number for a couple weeks and let the dust settle. Don't be available for anything.
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5 years of caring for her was a gift. You are right to finally put an end to it. You gave way more than she deserved. But of course it's also hard - many huge changes in our lives are. Doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do even if it doesn't feel wonderful on all levels yet. Stick by your guns and give yourself permission to have the life YOU deserve!
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Thank goodness for the wisdom you started to get the day you walked into Al-Anon. I recommend it over and over again for its knowledge and its support. You are responsible to yourself and for your own life; to make it the best life you are able to. I so congratulate you.
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Awesome. Good for you. You have done the right thing!!! You are not selfish, you are caring for yourself and that's the healthy thing to do. You are NOT the worst daughter. Enabling her is not doing her any favours, or yourself.

The pattern of addiction and abuse continues until someone changes That would be you. So very well done!!!

Alanon is a good idea for you. (((((hugs))))
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THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO . You having your life ruined over an alcoholic who will not change is wrong no matter how old mom is .

Having anyone’s life ruined is wrong when trying to take care of a difficult elderly person , or when they become too ill that the adult child can’t provide the care that they need.

Your mom needs professional help . And you need your life back . You did not give up today . You saved yourself , but it’s hard , but you took the first right step in the right direction . Good luck .
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I requested a welfare check today with the local police saying she is total care and nobody from the care company has shown up. Mom asked for me to come over and get her water and her phone charger. I said I simply can't. She said "you'll regret it". I told her it was her own doing and she said it wasn't. I asked who was coming to care for her and she said "I don't know."

I feel like crap but I kept the boundary. I mean yes I can go over there and get her water but then that would lead to getting her up and out of bed and I'd just fall into the trap of being her sole caregiver. I will follow up with what the police find out. I feel like trash. Absolute trash. I feel like the worst daughter ever.
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BarbBrooklyn Jun 2023
You did the right thing. You called the cops.

Your mother is the one who will regret this. She's projecting her feelings on to you. Do NOT accept delivery of that guilt trip.
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aj- YOU ABSOLUTELY DID THE RIGHT THING.

Enabling her may look like helping but it's actually harming. It harms her and it harms you.

By stepping away, you give your mother an opportunity to learn the consequences of her actions. She then has a choice to do better. She may or may not make use of that opportunity. It's ENTIRELY up to HER.

You can not control or change her. So, do not feel guilty.
If anyone ever tells you that you're selfish, tell that idiot to walk a mile in your shoes then talk.
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Thank you everyone. This is so hard. Harder than saving the day and fixing the issue at hand. I keep reminding myself if I feel anxious, just call 911 and have a welfare check done. Mom has a phone. She can call 911 too. I feel guilty that she might end up in a real pickle without me but also that's kind of the point. I've been keeping her out of said pickle for years!!! My aunt said she was going over there tomorrow to check on her. I am not alone. I am not a bad person. I can't control everything all the time. I'm not evil for doing this. I can still love my mom and not be in her life. I have to keep repeating these things to myself. Hopefully I get some sleep tonight.
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Daughterof1930 Jun 2023
Everything you said is correct. Still wishing you healing and peace
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You should’ve called 911 before you left & say she’s a danger to herself & others. They will hospitalize her. & then go to rehab. Get ball rolling tomorrow with this plan. Good luck. Hugs 🤗
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You did the right thing AJ! Praying for your strength, better health, peace of mind and heart, and more on this part of your journey.
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"I wish I could be noble like many of y'all on here fighting the good fight to keep your loved one at home or independent."

That's not nobility, that's stupidity. You did the right thing.
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Yay aj!! You go girl❤️
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polarbear Jun 2023
I think aj is a guy. Right aj?
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AJ, my sincerest congratulations, and a big standing ovation to you for this VERY sane decision! Make it stick! You did not make your mother a drunk, and you certainly can’t make her a sober person.

Enjoy your new freedom!
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This is exactly what you must do. Good luck.
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Brava, AJ! 😊👏💐
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Good for you. Stay strong.
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I am so proud of you! I’m happy that you have made the right decision for yourself and your mom.

I had to walk away from my brother who was an addict. Sadly, his lifestyle caught up with him because he refused to seek treatment for his addiction. He died many years ago.

My brother was a great guy when he was clean. Sadly, his sobriety didn’t last. Some people are successful in their recovery and remain sober. I hope this will be the case for your mom.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…

Courage to change the things I can

and wisdom to know the difference…

This is a beautiful prayer that addicts pray daily. I personally feel that it is a beautiful prayer that all of us can benefit from.

We can only do so much. You have tried numerous times to help your mom. She is the only person who can make the decision for change in her life. Hopefully, one day she will.

Best wishes to you and your mom. Thank you for giving us an update and please keep in touch if you want to.

People who are struggling with the same issue as you have been dealing with will learn from your experiences.
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Please don’t feel defeated, choose empowered instead, maybe not today, but in time. You chose health and wellness, and that’s always wise. Your post is filled with words that so many need to read and soak in, there’s no nobility in sacrificing your well being. I’m so glad you’ve decided differently and hope you’ll be able to check in here and be a light to others who so need to do exactly what you’re doing. Your mother will be cared for. I wish you healing and peace
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aj, well done!!!

Enjoy your hard won freedom and life.

Great big warm hug!
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