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4 years ago my mom had a series of strokes and totaled her car which precipitated a dementia diagnosis and move to memory care and hospice. As the only child, I have zero help managing her affairs (dad passed shortly before her accident). I am also maintaining her vacant home when I come for visits every 2-3 months. I was just kicking the can putting any decisions off thinking the doctor was right she would pass shortly. That never happened. I am left feeling split in two because I have responsibility to both households and a stressful job I have to meet by myself.
I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if they felt isolated leaving their life behind to move closer to ailing parents. I should note that I'm only 39 and feel like I'd be losing my prime earning years if I move down there, since there are few career prospects where my mom lives. She does not want to move where I live. We also don't have the greatest relationship (never have) so I feel great resentment towards her. Her sisters give me grief for not doing enough. Of course they offer no help.
I just feel like this is an impossible situation with no good answer.

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YOU stay put.

Mom's desire not to move closer to you does not equate to you giving up your life, family and livelihood.

Use the proceeds from mom's house to hire a geriatric care manager. Tell your aunties that your life matters and that if they want you more involved, then they need to convince their sister to re-locate.

The "desires" of the elder do not trump the needs of the employed.
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Stay put. You are in the best years of your career, do not give that up.

Isn't homeowners insurance costing a fortune? Does that company know mom's house is sitting empty? And won't she at some point need proceeds from the house to pay for her care?

It sounds as if you are in a fortunate situation. Hire a geriatric care manager, aging life specialist, to check in on mom as needed. Plan a trip down there, get help lined up, to clean out her home. A good broker can help you find all the resources you need to get the house business burden of the past.
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Slartibartfast Jan 2022
That's a good point about the homeowners insurance. When we were selling my dads house after his death we could not find someone to insure the house at all since it was vacant.
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Pogo, I just gotta say that the cost of transpoting a body, or ashes is minimal when compared to the toll this is taking on YOU.
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Pogo123 Jan 2022
She's medically fragile so I would think a move would kill her or put her in a stroke situation again. I live over 1000 miles away and she's afraid of the world so it just wouldn't be feasible.
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Others have already laid out the practicals of what to do and not do (nutshell: DO hire help local to your mother; do NOT give up your life for hers).

The broader, more general do/not do that you really need to hear from someone, though, is this:

STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.

STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.

You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.

E.g., your parents said they did not want you to sell their house for their care: SO WHAT. Neither of them is living in it any more, and it's a silly request anyway given the circumstances. You are not responsible for taking care of another person's home or responsibilities just because they are unable and don't wanna let something go. Your life is more important than another's ego, and it is no longer their decision to make. They no longer get a vote. You understand what their preference was when they were responsible; now YOU are the one doing the work and sacrificing. The decision is YOURS.

E.g., your mother's sisters wouldn't understand if you prioritize your actual life rather than maintaining the possessions and preferences of someone else: SO WHAT. Their opinions are not factors on which you should base your life's direction and security. Let them gripe to each other all they want; in fact, encourage them to do so so they'll leave you alone. If needed, stop taking their calls, block their emails, whatever. They do not get a vote. The decision is YOURS.

Had anyone's preferences up until you had to take over been so strong and so important that they were absolute requirements for some reason, then THEY would've handled putting things into place themselves so their preferences could be maintained on their own. Absent that, you must do what you need to do in order to prioritize your life and survival FIRST. After that, whatever preferences that can be accommodated can get worked in. But those first principles are undebatable. They are up to YOU.

I know realizing your autonomy and taking the reins is all way easier said than done. I've gotten my butt kicked having to make this realization myself, so I fully empathize. I'm often struggling in that regard. But what makes this forum extraordinary is the repeated reminders to stop letting other people's decisions and personal preferences determine YOUR destiny.

You are in charge. Act like it.

On a practical note, you don't need to go down there to hire local help for your mother. Call a few of the elder law attorneys in her area and ask them who they recommend in the area for geriatric care management and "concierge services." From their you can interview people remotely via phone, Zoom, etc. Local elder law attorneys are a great source because they regularly have to hire geriatric care managers for their own clients, so you've got a better chance of finding someone trustworthy faster and who has been vetted and licensed since their own firm's rep is also on the line.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2022
“stop letting other people's decisions and personal preferences determine YOUR destiny.
You are in charge. Act like it.”

thanks for all your words in your message above, tidalblue. :) :)

you’re helping me. :) :)
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Stay where you are, and let Memory Care care for her. They're being well paid to do so.

Why are you maintaining her house? Will it eventually have to be sold to pay for her care?
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I went through a similar long distance caregiver experience with both parents, last living kid, but I had just retired when things got bad.

I did not move my folks to my area, they would have never agreed anyway, nor did I move back home. I made the long drive as needed, did what I could, got their finances and affairs in order.

As soon as I FINALLY got them placed in care I hired a local handyman with a truck. We cleaned the place out and I sold it AS IS in two weeks. The money paid for their care for the next few years.

You are far too young to let this derail your life. You must do what needs to be done for mom but just as important do what needs to be done for you as well. Don’t destroy your life out of some misplaced sense of guilt and obligation.

It’s really hard. I wish you the best.
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Pogo123: I was you, although I was an elder when my mother, who was adamant about living alone seven states away from me, took a turn for the worse, requiring me to move in with her from out of state. I don't recommend it.
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First of all, who has POA? Let’s assume it is you. Mom is in memory care and has dementia - right? Ok, you can decide to move her closer to where you live and sell her home. You are probably still looking at your Mother as she was as a parent to you. However, that is no longer the case. She is more becoming like your child now. Of course, you love her and she loves you. Now it is time for you to take care of both of your lives. Your mom may resist moving away, but do not tell her that. Tell her that she is coming to be with you for a while in a nice hotel. Be sweet and gentle and everything will work out for the best of both of you.
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So sorry you are going through this. As other's have suggested.......... do not move closer to her. I very much like the idea of the geriactric case manager. They can be a wonderful asset. Not sure about the state in which Mom lives but in NJ we have a program (run I believe by the Ombudsman office) that has volunteer reps who are assigned a resident at a facility who they visit at least 1x per week for at least an hour. They don't scheduled their visit before hand because they are the "eyes on the ground" for the resident, resident family and the Ombudsman. I know this valuable program was suspended during the height of Covid restrictions; not sure if it back in operation or if it exists in some form in other states. The local office on aging may be able to give you more information (the facility social worker will not).
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You did not have a good relationship with her and as far as I am concerned, you owe her nothing. But if you want to help, ask an eldercare attorney how to have you handle paperwork, bills, etc. from a distance, etc. Possibly consider a caretaker but if nothing works, then you move her to a facility. PLEASE DO NOT, NO MATTER WHAT, GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR THIS WOMAN. You would be a fool. YOU come FIRST. Stick with your life and don't let her demands and behaviors destroy you - no matter what - AND NEVER LET HER INTO YOUR HOME.
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