Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Imho, this happens typically when our parent(s) fail to plan for their elder wellbeing. My own mother said "You just expect me to keep going along, unchanged." I did not possess naivety and had to move in with her 7 states away from my own. I do NOT recommend this as I was already an elder myself.
I do not recommend that they live with you. Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Sounds like you are correct, mom's in denial. I feel that bringing up the subject of possible assisted living for BOTH mom and dad together, might be an easier option to discuss, while making the transition from independent living, to certain eventual skilled nursing facility for one or both of your parents. Stairs are certainly a hazard for both of your parents, and for anyone who is aging. Maybe you could use that as a reason to present your strategy to them...'look mom and dad, it's time to DOWNSIZE, and get an easier plan for the rest of your lives'...but it helps if you or other family is available to go out and actually explore the options with them. As a nurse for decades, my mom is also in denial, and I'm sure that when dad goes, she will be gone shortly behind him. My real concern is that if my mom goes first, then what... as she refuses to let anyone else help care for him. Now, he's very, very spoiled, has become more demanding, impatient, angry and difficult as time has gone by. So things can go downhill very, very, very quickly. My suggestion is to get the ball rolling now, make the effort now, and have the discussion now. It's only going to get worse for them, not better. For me, I've made the decision to let things fall where they may... sometimes you just have to back off, and let life events happen.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Daughterfour63 Jul 2020
I’m in the same boat.
My parents are both alive, ages 91 & 93. Wanting to be independent, yet in denial of the care they require.
My mother is exhibiting cognitive decline, as well as weak spells that make her feel like dying. She has had three ER visits since this pandemic. Experiencing HBP spikes along with vertigo.

They had been quarantining with my husband and I in our home.
It coincidentally worked out this way, which was a blessing (for me, as well as for my parents)
My mother was recuperating at my home from a recent cataract surgery the end of February.
My dad was at their home, and was being looked after by my two sisters, one that lives with my parents, the other sister lives out of state, and came to assist.
My dad was missing my mother after a couple of weeks, and wanted to be with her, so he came to our house, and then that same week, the pandemic was issued.
I couldn’t allow them to go back home under these COVID19 restrictions.
My sister that lives with them, has her own emotional and physical limitations.
(This is another complicated matter.)
*My parents took her in 7 years ago, after she got divorced.
They have been lovingly, enabling her.
I’m my parents youngest of 5 children, and was designated to be their POA, as well as, contact person on their medical directives.
Being the youngest in my family, my sister that lives with them, vehemently resents, and doesn’t understand, why I have this authority, because “she LIVES with them”.
My parents “sheltered in place” with my husband and I, for almost 4 months since this quarantine was issued. ALL of my parents needs were being taken care of.
They were treated very well.
“Social distancing” from my sister, served as a blessing in SO many ways.
Prior to them coming to our house to stay, I had been going to my parents home 2x a week before all of this,
(I live about 1/2 hour drive away,) I was pitching in more, since last year because the sister that lives with them, was “too overwhelmed” caring for my parents.
It’s a very dysfunctional arrangement in their home, to say the least.
She doesn’t work, and lives with my parents, free of charge, her “rent” is that she does chores for them. She also has a credit card, my parents pay every month for her, and she has one of their cars to use.
I was grocery shopping, taking my parents to Doctors appointments, bringing them meals, doing their bills, and cleaning. Then, I’d get to go to my home and manage my own life.
So having my parents under our roof was a relief and a blessing.
After being they were here for a couple of months, I had been giving them my best, the “natives started getting restless”, wondering when they could go back home.
I told them, it wasn’t safe yet because of the COVID19.
By this time, I had their mail reversed to my address as well as their daily newspaper. It was an adjustment, but it was a relief for me, not to be running to their house back and forth, not to mention having to deal with my difficult sister.
To make a long story short, they insisted they go back home.
i told them that I was NOT going to drive them home.
i didn’t think it was wise or safe. I told them if they wanted to go back home, they’d have to arrange their own ride back, and under the COVID19 restrictions it would limit me visiting them.
I am an almost 6 year breast cancer survivor, and my husband is over age 60. (We are in the vulnerable category)
My cousin was called by my mother, and she and her husband came to get my parents.
My husband and I bought life call buttons for my parents since they returned back home, We also inquired to the VA , for my Dad, to send a nurses aide to come help with his bathing, it’s too much for my mother now.
I don’t know where I’m going with this, I think I needed to vent, and to let people out there, who are reading this, they are not alone.
This story won’t have a happy ending, we all know the eventuality.
Dealing with denial, is SO frustrating, as well as difficult siblings!
(2)
Report
Hi, my parents (86 & 89) live in a two story with the full baths upstairs, mom fell again caused by a restroke,injured her ankle, and all 3 of us slept downstairs in recliners, she used a potty chair for 2 1/2 weeks, and bathed her with basin, a nightmare for sure. My father finally agreed to allow an acorn lift to be put in, and it has been a godsend! Much easier than moving to new house! They aren't cheap ($8,000), but way less disruptive than moving the elderly parents. My parents have a split level stairs, which adds cost, so if you have straight stairs it will be cheaper. By the way, they came in 2days to put it in, and the installer was very nice, efficient, and masked/gloved ,disinfected equipment, and kept his distance from parents when talking to dad.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter