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After almost dying of pneumonia 5 weeks ago Dad (90) miraculously recovered but fell a few days later from his hospital-bed and broke his cheekbone. He had to undergo surgery and felt so frail that he asked me to find him a place in AL, fearing that he would not be able to deal with my demented Mother (80) at home anymore.


I was skeptical since on multiple former occasions he had already turned down AL places last minute, but ok: I set the process in motion once again. Spent hours on the phone trying to find him a place nearby, did a lot of paperwork, transported his things to the AL - got everything prepared and assisted in his admission interview etc. Everything seemed well.


Early morning after just one night in AL he attacked me via phone in the most icy and hateful way for having taken his freedom away, something I had "secretly and maliciously been planning for the last few years", and he "thanked" me for getting rid of him "just like this". Two hours later he was back in his own house with the help of a friend.


His attack left me in total shock, the more as he is NOT suffering from dementia but is clear-minded and highly eloquent. For the last 5 weeks I had torn myself apart between his hospital stay(s), doctors calls, finding AL and spending time with Mom so she does not feel too lost. Again, I neglected my son, my house, my friends, myself ---- so I was so furious and hurt by his comments that I could hardly breathe. After a long cry I withdrew my contact number from all services regarding my parents and gave my brother's number instead, canceled POA and felt RELIEF.


In the evening my brother called, after a long talk he obviously had with Dad, and tried to make excuses for Dad's behavior (old, afraid of death, frail etc.). Once again I was supposed to push my own feelings aside like I did all my life, being a typical parentified child, and was asked to call Dad for the sake of "peace". I refused. Told my brother that I was done for good.


Shortly after my mother called, wailing on voicemail that I should call my poor suffering father. He did not even have the courage to call himself but let Mom and Bro do the diplomacy. By that time, I knew that this pattern I knew only too well from childhood would repeat and repeat endlessly until I would get out, so I called Dad (who was not even apologizing, pretending he would not remember what he had said) and told him as calmly as possible that he could live as he wanted and I would honor his freedom, but it was about time I honored my own freedom, too. I would not accept to be treated this way anymore and that it obviously would be better for their sake and mine if I stopped my caregiving role altogether.


Haven't heard from him since, but the first "flying monkeys" already tried to manipulate me back into the system. Seems the smear campaign and pity party are set in full motion. To clarify: it is not only my Father who regularly puts me down and makes me responsible for his feelings, but my Mother even more, so she is not an innocent victim here.


How do I prevent falling back into the trap? I cannot stand another round of abuse, but having been trained all my life to put my parents' needs first, I fear I might not withstand the outside pressure and internal guilt, especially since death may be around the corner.


Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thank you!

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Hold the line…every time you start to allow the guilt of it, reread what you wrote , I wish you strength…
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Yes, it is good to read it again and again. Actually all the reading here is of incredible value to me.
So many smart and insightful people - life saving stuff!
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Do not return to the system.
Go to a trained licensed Social Worker trained in life transitions for support.
Change your G-word. You are not in fact a felon who gets joy from being evil. You are a caring child who has done what you can given your human limitations. What you are feeling now is the OTHER G-word which is GRIEF. Grief that you have no way to make this right. That you did it and now everyone expects you to KEEP on doing this no matter the cost to you, no matter the hopelessness.
Turn off the phone. Give Mom and Dad the number for 9 1 1. Check in once a week. Let the family pick up the slack as they choose. They will be sympathetic soon enough.
As well as the G-word being changed to grief, I suggest you add a V word, and the victim is you. As you said, your father is not demented. I am certain he is uncertain and terrified and overwhelmed, but his actions will drive help away from him, and that is someplace he will have to go on the learned-behavior spectrum.
So sorry. This will hurt you. Not everything can be fixed. You will grieve and I am certain your parents are doing the same. But staying in this swirl of rancid stew is not going to help a thing.
At the least, tell siblings you are now taking a month's break to figure out where you stand finally. Do not resume the POA.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you, that was valuable advice. And though I've heard the "guilt vs grief" rule before I notoriously keep forgetting that I have NO REASON to feel guilty about and that I'm not a felon. I bet my parents feel a lot less guilt than I do (which is so twisted!!!).

Hard to internalize this, but I keep trying. And one day it will sink in for good.
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Omg, I am in a very similar situation! I don't have any suggestions (yet) since I am going through something similar. The guilt I think from this is what will finally break me. I am the primary breadwinner in my family and I am cracking under the pressure of my father who keeps calling me to 'place' him somewhere and then changes his mind. His wife (my stepmother, married after I was an adult) tells me she is done as well so that is different in my situation, but puts added pressure on me to place him. But they have done this before, I've had places set up and then they change their mind. Childish! Selfish! My dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but I don't see it. He knows exactly who I am and what he's doing - the same thing he's been doing since I was born. My brother (unmarried, no kids, was 'supposed' to deal with this) moved out of state and has checked out as well but calls me to give me 'pep talks' about dealing with this myself.

This is a nightmare and while I haven't actually gone through with getting him placed anywhere (I can't get any call backs from nursing homes - he is too far gone physically for AL). I got a bad result on a mammogram yesterday, and I know it's probably nothing but the urgent calls I got on Sunday to 'place' him again might get ignored, so I can focus on myself. I was on vacation last week and have to work this week. Funny thing is they conferenced me in on a conference call with a social worker when I was on vacation and I told them he needed to be placed and they said they were fine. So much can change between a Wednesday and a Sunday for them and I'm tired of it. I know I'm rambling but I'm so relieved I am not alone in these feelings. Please message me if you feel it would be helpful!
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Wow, we seem to share at least partly the same nightmare! And I don't know the situation in your country, but AL and NH places are very hard to find in Germany (though less expensive than in the US).

But why can't your fathers new wife do the groundwork to find a place for him if she can't handle him anymore? Next time let her do the job, then she might understand the effort better and thinks about it hard enough instead of letting you do all the work while she and Dad feel free to change their minds again.

Wishing you the best for your mammogram - waiting for a result is always a stressful time!
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I agree with Alva; find a therapist (social worker would be my preference as well) and get support for standing firm on no longer being the victim.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
I'd love to get therapy and tried already last autumn but the waiting lists over here are long, especially since Covid. Applied as well for rehabilitation to cure my burnout and hope to get in soon.
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There is a book called "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud. Its Christian based. My daughter read it and said it was good, one thing she got from it was:

When you tell someone No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.

Its said many times on this forum:

"No is a one word sentence" and "guilt is self-imposed".

Give Dad/Mom a list of Assisted Livings. Then tell them its up to them to call and set up appointments to talk to the directors. You will not be doing the groundwork anymore. Give them the numbers of Office of Aging and Adult protection services and any other number where there is help for them.

"Again I neglected my son, my house, my friends, myself" make all this your priority. Mom and Dad come in second and always should have. I bet they have never done anything for you. It should go both ways.

They now need you more than you need them. Keep that in mind. Seems Dad uses you as a scapegoat. Expecting you to do all the work and then saying you are the problem. This is the time to step back. You are not going to get an apology because Dad is a Narcissist. Look it up bet he fits the discription. As long as you are doing for them, he is going to blame you. When Mom or brother calls tell them they do not own your life. You have choices. Your choice now is to back off because you realize that all these years you have been emotionally abused. That when you became an adult and moved out of their home, they were no longer a priority. The family you made is, your son and your friends. They became part of that family. They were/are capable of taking care of themselves. There are resources they can take advantage of. Just a thought, as long as Dad has you to blame, he leaves Mom alone. Its not your fault she chose to stay with him.

This was the straw that broke the camels back. Let brother do the work now. Then he will see what u have been going thru. You can help from the sidelines helping brother but be aware of boundries there to. By helping him you may be pulled back into helping them.

Keep telling yourself your son is your priority and so are you. Unless an emergency you do not give up your plans. Just say sorry, I have (or son has) something planned. As soon as anyone gets abusive you walk away or quietly hang up the phone. Quietly because it really erks them when they have kept talking and no one is there. Or just say, "I am hanging up now".

Its time for you to take over your life. Your parents are just a part of it. Seems if Dad can afford an AL he can afford people to do things for him and Mom. Maybe they both can move to an AL. You know the saying "once burned shame on you, twice burned shame on me" this means that you don't allow that second time to burned. Being burned is now a pattern that you have finally seen. Its now give them and brother the info and let them take it from there.

My new mantra "I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you, so much great advice here! :-)

My brother is not too enthusiastic of picking up the rope I just dropped. But he was spared the worst abuse in our childhood, so his boundaries are better, plus he does not live as close. Though he does not quite get my problem I am very glad he exists.

"Just a thought, as long as Dad has you to blame, he leaves Mom alone. Its not your fault she chose to stay with him."

She is as much a narcissist as he is. Actually worse since she was more around during my childhood while he was absent a lot. I always used to think of my father as "the good parent" until due to aging his escape mechanisms (work, politics, travel) began to fail.

For decades they perfected this game of sending me back and forth with their sick marriage and finally reunite to blame their problems on me. When they got sick and old I fell in the empathy trap ("These poor old folks need me - how would they possibly harm me?"), but Boy - was I naive!!!
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Tell them you will consider re-establishing contact with your parents after you have received an acknowledgement from your father that he himself asked you to organise the ALF this time around, and his apology for rounding on you. Preferably in writing. And certainly not before.

And tell yourself, when you're tempted, that you are not setting yourself up again. Think of any invitation or cry for help as meaning "can't you just hold still so we can slap you? Please please please, awww, please, don't be mean, it doesn't hurt..."
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
"... can't you just hold still so we can slap you? Please please please, awww, please, don't be mean, it doesn't hurt..."

LOL. Thanks for making me laugh - it is exactly that!
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You did not walk out, you made a stance two different things.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
True - thanks for the differentiation. It sounds much more positive.

Still I do not see myself calling or checking in on my parents anytime soon. Need that space now for myself.
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You've officially resigned the role of caregiver & resident whipping post for your parents. Period. You can't & won't get sucked back into the vortex of dysfunction & pain again because you just don't have it in you to jump through these fiery hoops anymore. What for? So you can be tagged as The Bad Guy again, after leaving YOUR blood on the floor doing their bidding, at THEIR request, so they can pretend they never asked you for help in the first place?

Nice try. Not falling for THAT ploy again, Lucy, says Charlie Brown. Right?

Well don't!

The ball is in your court now so KEEP it there! The flying monkey siblings can figure all this nonsense out now on their own, w/o your help, b/c you're done. You'll be happy to visit the folks if & when you can, keeping things cordial, dropping by for a quick cuppa & a kiss on the cheek, then you'll leave thru the same door you entered.

Enough is enough.

Take whatever calls you want, let the rest go to voicemail. The fact here is that the narcs need an audience & fuel to function: no audience & no fuel forces them to move on to find a new audience to play to. That's the key for YOU: consistency. Don't back down from the stance you take. Don't take the calls you don't want to deal with and make sure they KNOW it. Don't crack either, b/c they'll see it and swoop in the first chance they can.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, either. You tried to help, the folks won't allow it, so your hands are tied. Even if death is imminent, you have STILL done your very best for them, it is THEY who have stymied your best efforts. #Truth. Repeat that fact to yourself as needed to remind yourself you're a good daughter and not some monster you may be portrayed as. This whole issue is THEIRS to own entirely, in reality, not something you've 'done wrong'.

Parents like this want to make it seem like everything is 'our fault' but the reality is quite the opposite. I spent my life feeling a low level of guilt for no good reason, too, b/c my mother enjoyed playing the victim at MY expense! It took her death for that truth to be revealed to me. Too bad she couldn't be honest with me while she was alive, so that we could have enjoyed a decent relationship, but she didn't have it in her I guess. It was her mental illness that deprived me of what could've been between us; not MY lack of being a good daughter. I hope that statement sinks in with you NOW. :)

Best of luck establishing YOUR game plan now! Just be firm and don't give in.
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dear unkraut,

unkraut means weed (i speak german). i wonder what the story is behind your name.
hugs to you!!

i was verrry recently, in a very similar situation --- i spent hours/weeks helping, trying to find something (the person wanted this), and when i found it, the person screamed at me they don't want it.
no "thanks for your time, but no thanks, i've changed my mind."
just screaming.

i was very depressed/upset, after.

as they say,
"before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *ssholes."

-----
your father attacking you on the phone...
:(

me getting attacked verbally...
:(

it has an impact.

you'll feel awful/angry/depressed.

i, like you, just now, spent weeks helping.
the person wasted my time.

------
it happens. people can change their minds. but normally, it's, "thank you so much!!! and i'm so sorry. i changed my mind. thanks, but no thanks."

not being screamed at, for helping - and you were asked to do it.

so, unkraut, i just went through a similar thing.

in my case, the person is also completely lucid, and remembers very well they asked me to help.

-----

remember, abusive people have this attitude:

"i don't like the situation i'm in, AND IT'S YOUR FAULT."

-----

you've decided to stop caregiving.

-----

we must definitely protect our own lives.
time -- does not come back.

-----

protect your life.
build your life.

live a full life. :)

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on my side, i have plenty of problems i need to sort out, so i've decided to focus on that.

-----
only you know what's the right balance: me-time vs. helping others.

in my own experience, it is very good sometimes to take a break.

big decisions can be taken later.
take a break, protect yourself from abuse. be kind to yourself.

already after being away from abuse for a few days, one feels better.

-----
in this cycle of abuse, one tends to forget the bad things...
perhaps write a letter to yourself, reminding yourself how you feel right now, what you want your future self to remember --- so you don't fall into future traps.

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dear unkraut,

of course you don't deserve this awful behavior.
it's totally unjust, wrong.

------

please pamper yourself.
extra-super-sweet to yourself.

listen to kind, loving people.

hug!!!!

bundle of joy :)
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
"before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by *ssholes."

Brilliant quote, I'll keep that in mind!

"protect your life.
build your life.
live a full life. :)"

Just wondering why this is so hard for me to do. Looking back even at my failed love-relationships I never managed to protect my life or put my interests first. In my 30s I lost a promising career by spending crucial years trying to "fix" an abusive relationship.

Putting others first didn't even feel like a sacrifice because my life seemed to matter less to me than the lives of others. No problem to take a stand for another person, but for me? So sad, all these wasted years and opportunities. Re-building myself now in my 50s is hard, but it is better than giving up.

When I was a kid my father tried to sell his and my mother's self-centered and neglectful parenting-style for ultimate freedom for us KIDS and proudly stated that Bro and I were not raised but "allowed to grow wild and free like weed" (Unkraut). Freedom it was - for THEM!
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sorry, wrong place. wanted to answer lealonnie1 (see above). :-)
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dear unkraut,

i want to add something.

you can have a totally clear conscience, that you did all you could to help.
enormous effort. you tried and tried, organized, even helped move.

your father doesn't say it -- i'll say it for him:

"dear daughter, you are amazing!!!! you helped me with everything, again and again. also this time! although i've gone back and forth on AL, you helped yet again! and again i changed my mind! and...i treated you horribly on the phone, and i falsely blamed/accused you. you only helped me, and to boot, i asked you to do this. you're the best daughter anyone could ask for. i'm sorry. i appreciate so very much all your kindness. please protect your life. our family is abusive towards you sometimes. i'm sorry. you don't deserve any of that. please focus on your life. build your life."
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you so much for "my father's words"...!

Would you adopt me, please? ;-)
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Dear UnKraut:

There is a seminal work done in the late 60s or 70s, don't recall the author's name, on the 4 types of parents:
They are something like "indulgent", "authoritarian' "authoritative" and "neglectful".

The neglectful types are those dealing with their own issues. Their children, in general, have poor outcomes.

Ah, found it!: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles/

I think you've done enough.
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Unkraut, go one better than Bluebell and let your father and mother work it out between them. You seem quite clear that your father knows exactly what he is doing, and it sounds that your ‘demented mother’ is quite with-it enough to pull all the strings herself. Give them numbers to contact, and go non-contact yourself. If you leave it for a couple of weeks and are really concerned about their welfare, make an anonymous call to APS or its local equivalent to check on them.

If the flying monkeys contact you again, give them the same contact numbers and suggest they take it on. You’ve not been successful, they may do it better. You will be in touch with the parents once a monkey has been successful in getting them to settle into the care that the monkeys think they need. You must be doing the wrong way, you need someone else to try.

Blame yourself, and ask them to do it better. Don't justify yourself, it won't help. Let them feel superior. And it's just possible that a monkey who is 'outside the game' may genuinely be more successful!
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you, that is the only conclusion it all comes down to.

I haven't contacted my parents since the last phone talk - but then again neither have they.
There surely are enough flying monkeys around to wait on my parents and listen to the sob story they've been probably spreading about me coldheartedly abandoning them...
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Found something short and valuable on being the family scapegoat:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJNNmUAreoo

It really hit home. :(
I guess I am on the right path going no contact.

Lots of love and support to all the struggling scapegoats on this board!
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MountainMoose Mar 2022
Thank you, Unkraut68! I watched this video. I love her voice and cadence. The 9:28 point blew me away. I'm an empath and had never put that together. Thank you!
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What you did took a lot of courage. It also saved you from a future heartache of guilt from hating and resenting your parents. I ended up despising my mother and felt relief when she died. I still struggle with those guilty feelings. When my father died, I was very sad, but was at peace with his passing. I did not play a major role in his care. My father was always a giver and my mother a taker.
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You've gotten such great responses so far. I don't really have much to add, except to reiterate that you have done enough! Time to let your brother take over. Please, please continue to keep your distance from your parents. I also like someone's response below to warn you not to support your brother to the extent that you get dragged back into helping.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Exactly. Offer to help the brother because he's the OP's brother but only in indirect ways that do not involve seeing or talking to the parents.
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I have to ask..
If your dad went to AL where was your mom? You say she has dementia, she can not live alone at this point.
You mention your dad had surgery. Often it takes a while to FULLY recover from the effects of anesthesia and that may have been the case here. And while your dad may not have been diagnosed with dementia there is the possibility that he does have some cognitive impairment. OK, now that I am done making excuses for him.....
One of the most difficult things to do as "caregivers" and family members of those that need care is to step back, and let things progress as they need to. It is often not until there is some catastrophic event that "forces" someone into Assisted Living or Memory Care VIA a stint in rehab.
Stand your ground. You know what you can handle.

Side note..
With any conversation on the phone or in person remember this.
Do not argue. Calmly say.. "I am not going to tolerate you talking to me in this manner, if it continues I will hang up" If it continues HANG up. No good bye just hang up. If this happens in person say "I am not going to listen to you talk to me in this manner, if it does not stop I am going to leave" If it continues leave. If they are in your house tell them to leave. Does not matter if you are in the middle of dinner. Your house, your rules!
Again I am going with the assumption your dad has some cognitive impairment. Arguing will only frustrate you and will have no effect on him (or your mom)
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
dear grandma,
:)

hug!! although your answer is directed at OP, i find it useful for me:
your point about, could the LO have cognitive impairment (even if undiagnosed)?

luckily my LO is lucid, no cognitive impairment.
BUT it's true that sometimes one can slowly slide into cognitive impairment, and making bad decisions can be a symptom of that.

my LO sometimes makes bad decisions.

...and if someone is changing their mind constantly - it can also be an indication that they're not mentally stable (maybe not cognitively impaired -- but perhaps not in a good state to be making good, wise decisions).

...some people are temporarily "not thinking straight".

...so, one tries one's best to make decisions with - or for - one's LOs.

-----
anyway, certainly it's not easy getting elderly, and one should of course have compassion.

as one person on this website writes, "seek first to understand, then to be understood."

-----

luckily my LO is lucid.
but some decisions aren't good.

sometimes it's a case of an elderly person not wanting to admit they need more help. i have one LO who doesn't mind at all admitting they need help. always sweet, always appreciating help. always smiling/happy (throughout their life).

my technique is to re-visit the topic (for example, my solution to problem X, Y, Z). sometimes, my LO (the LO who sometimes makes bad decisions), at last agrees to try the solutions.
...example: very recently i bought an electric bed to make life much easier for LO to get out of bed.
...let's not even talk about how long it took to get an "ok, let's do it".

:)
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Kudos to you, Umkraut68, for taking care of you. You matter.

Your father has his faculties. Your mother and father have people who can look after them. You've taken all proper steps to step away. You've recognized their abuse and their abusive pattern.

You've put them first for so long, and I am SO relieved for you that you've put yourself and all things that matter to you first.

Don't hesitate to block the flying monkeys. Give yourself time and peace to settle yourself in to your new world.
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Scampie1 Mar 2022
I was told a long time ago by one of the advocates at an agency I worked for on a temporary assignment that advocated for mentally disabled and disabled people that I did not need to be a guardian to my sister since she was an adult. When I let go, she got all of the help she was entitled to that also included legal representation by the government. She had a full life that included a day program and a nice place to live. The social worker and a gentleman who was an angel in disguise went to bat for my sister.
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Your mother has dementia. Her brain is broken and you cannot expect reasonable or normal behavior from her. Your father is 90 and as Grandma 1954 said he recently had surgery and his mentation may be affected by the anesthesia. He may also have some cognitive decline. Don't feel guilty about stepping away.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2022
Becky,

This is true about dementia, but I'd be willing to bet that the OP's mother treated her this way long before there was ever any dementia. They usually do.
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You're already handling the situation perfectly. You did all the right things and should not have one moment of guilt about any of it. I know that you do though because you've been conditioned to. Me too. We are family scapegoats. Nobody just becomes one overnight. No. The training starts when we're kids. We are the emotional dumping ground. We are the one mom and dad blow up at. We are the one who gets all the abuse, negativity, and gaslighting. When we're grown up we usually become the designated caregiver to them also. I'm willing to bet your mother put you down and did lots of gaslighting long before dementia showed up.
Try to think of the situation in these terms. Your parents are enjoying life right now because of you. The pity party is jumping. Mom and dad are loving all sympathy and attention people are paying them. That gift is from you. I'm guessing some of that attention and pity is probably coming from people who weren't bothering with them all that much before, or at all. This happens with situations like yours. The elderly parents suddenly get an army of allies (family members, acquaintances) who probably didn't pay them much attention before. People who never helped out with any of their care needs. People who wouldn't be bothered to just come and sit with your demented mother for a few hours to help out. Then there's a reason for a pity party because there's a new villain in town and all the 'flying monkeys' start showing up. Mom and dad become V.I.P.'s to these people who couldn't care less before.
You've also gifted them with a spring of complaining that they can draw on which never runs dry.
The people who know you know that you didn't do anything wrong. You helped your parents and did right by them in spite of their abusive treatment of you. Their "allies" who are buying into their lying crap about you can go pound sand. You don't need them and shouldn't even give them a thought. You have your own life with people in it like your son who love and respect you. Be with them and let your brother handle it with your parents. You can offer to help him because he's your brother, but only in indirect ways that will not involve seeing or speaking to your parents.
I'd like to say from one family scapegoat to another, that I'm proud of you for extracting yourself from an abusive and toxic situation. You did the right thing because no one has to tolerate abuse even if it's coming from people with dementia.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you
BurntCaregiver, for your exact estimation of where I'm being at. It made me cry. You are like a pathfinder for giving me validation and the right direction.

I was very shaky today since there has been complete radio silence from my parents part. I know I should love it but instead it makes me anxious. In a way I was hoping for my Dad to call and apologize so that I would not have to take the next (hard) step, but he did not.

Questioning my decision a lot, though deep down I know it is the right one. Trying to stay firm, but no guarantee given...
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I feel you did the absolute right thing especially for yourself. Let brother enjoy this for a good long while and maybe forever. Give everyone a chance to really miss you.
You need a break and focus on yourself and your family.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
"Give everyone a chance to really miss you."

Dear InFamilyService, I must admit that I hope for that too. Would be so lovely to me.

But the more probable version is that they ganged up with some flying monkeys, reassuring each other that they did no wrong, and that i am just a hysteric unloved single woman who needs to take out her frustration on innocent old folks...
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Unkraut, Try getting a referral to a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Many are tied into insurance networks and take referrals. Most insurances will approve for six sessions initially and you may only have to pay a small co-pay. Also most psychologists are able to accept Medicare and Medicaid. They can sometimes bypass the waiting lists. Also most psychologists are peer reviewed by psychiatrists and can refer for a medication. You also less likely to be labeled by a psychologist. Your county mental health agency may also refer you.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Thank you Becky, but unfortunately here in Germany it is different. In general there is less psychologists and therapists per capita than in the US, and due to our health system one can hardly bypass the waiting list.
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You have done an amazing job of putting yourself first!!! What a mountain to ascend! Guilt. It’s what for dinner. Unless you’re the favored child and obviously you weren’t. The guilt is a natural byproduct from growing up with abusive, bullying parents. That’s what they do. Sometimes I felt guilty for existing or having my own opinion. Another aspect of growing up with parents like this is it’s very easy to become a people pleaser. So it’s not feeling guilty about just this situation —it’s also very ingrained.

When one starts to look at the wreckage from growing up with very dysfunctional parents, grief comes to the surface. The grieving comes from realizing that you lost out on good, healthy parenting that could have given you a stronger foundation for life. And then it will be there when you recognize that kind and accepting words will never come from them.

You have listened to your gut and taken the right, corrective action. If there’s contact with your brother, listen again so you don’t get sucked in. Take ownership of the healthy decisions for you and your son. Don’t worry about figuring this out in your 50s. Many caregivers don’t ever let go of bad situations because they can’t stand up to unreasonable parents.
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Competent people make their own decisions and live with the consequences of their decisions. You are making room for your father to experience this for himself. Next time he "needs" ALF or SNF, let case management and social services make all the arrangements.. and transfer him "there." As long as there is a mentally competent person (not necessarily you) overseeing care of the mentally incompetent person (mom), the responsibility is covered.
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Beatty Mar 2022
Yes!

Dad chooses.
He likes or dislikes the outcome. Shrug.
Was HIS decision - the consequences are also his.
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Unkraut68:

I read your reply to InfamilyService.

You think that if you walk away, "flying monkeys, reassuring each other that they did no wrong, and that i am just a hysteric unloved single woman who needs to take out her frustration on innocent old folks..."

Your choices are either be abused by your parents to the end of time, or be thought of (wrongly) as a hysteric unloved single woman. Choice one is clearly much worse than choice two. And if you develop thick skin, and brush off their opinion as that of crazy irrelevant people, then you can just flush their opinion down the toilet where it belongs.

Go live your life freely. If they talk bad about you, that's because they are jealous of you.
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Firstof5 Mar 2022
I had to step away from my caretaking role for similar reasons. I still feel guilty about not caretaking because I was raised to be the family caretaker even though I am abused for it.

It helps when I look at it this way "If I am going to be attacked and criticized anyway, I might as well deserve it and take care of myself."
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Stay out of it. Your situation sounds very similar to my dysfunctional family that manipulated me into doing the heavy work that none of the siblings wanted to do. I got the smear campaign, called crazy by just trying to help. I had a sister who was severely disabled that no one wanted to care for. So, I was forced into the caregiver role. God looked out for all of us and placed people in my life who helped me get her placed in a beautiful group home. I rented an apartment for daughter and myself and moved in it. My daughter went to high school in this neighborhood and graduated. I continued with my support groups, church and my job. I had a good job for twenty-nine years with no breaks in my employment. It has been hard since I was forced to retire due to the pandemic, but I have no real regrets. My father's wife got willed the house that mom wanted me to have before she died. I no longer call it home and haven't been back in the neighborhood not even to shop.

You ended the POA. Don't let false guilt trick you into taking back that responsibility. Parents need to learn that they have to take responsibility for their own lives especially in old age. We are not old age insurance, and we don't deserve the abuse when we are trying to help.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2022
Amen sister!!! Stick to your boundaries and and the guilt trips. You deserve some peace in your life.
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Firstly, these hard choices, this *tough love* is needed in some families. Well done.

Recognising poor communication methods, manipulation & use of 'flying monkeys' is a learned skill. Well done again.

Cutting through those monkeys to call Dad direct is a very positive step to changing the pattern. Very well done.

Stepping back to a safer distance, including not accepting abuse & resigning POA duties. Very well done again.

It takes YEARS for some to get where you have.

What I have seen next is;

Next chosen one/POA towes the line. Then gets the same abusive & manipulation treatment. Learns what you did. Steps back.

Once all adult children are exhausted, the next chosen one/POA is chosen. A niece/nephew is invited into the fold "all my children are.. insert one of: hopeless, greedy, selfish, drug addicts". Maybe the dangle of a will is used. If no nieces/nephews take the bait, a guilable housecleaner is next "all my family are thieves".

Depending on your family size, it's possible that Dad will expire before he runs out of nieces & nephews...

I met one 'Gent' last year (before he met his end) busy trying to locate nephew #2 before sacking nephew #1 as POA (son long since sacked).

Unkraut, I send you the biggest hug I can 🤗
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
"It takes YEARS for some to get where you have."

Beatty,
it TOOK me years. :-)))))))

- an abusive childhood
- being scapegoated
- a nice collection of abusive relationships
- and 3 years of caregiving

I am still shaky but hope to stand firm.
Love & Hugs
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UnKraut, If you haven't yet, read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. It will make you feel better about setting that all important fence around YOUR life and needs.

Have you evercread about F.O.G-- Fear, Obligation and Guilt? It's how manipulative people work to control those around them. And the "I'll be dead soon" is a prime example of how they work.

And casting you as an "unloved, hysterical woman"? That is classic narcissist's speak for "only serving me gives your poor pitiful life any value" Tell your dad that HE'S the weed now.

I have a movie I want you to watch. It's called "Now, Voyager". Bette Davis, Paul Henreid and Claude Rains. It's very instructive.
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UnKraut68 Mar 2022
Barb,

thanks for the Bette Davis movie tip. I'm trying to find a way to stream it online. She has been wonderful in "Hush hush... sweet Charlotte", a perfect example for being abused by gaslighting.
Looking forward to it!
Hugs Unkraut
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And are you an only daughter? I’ve been there. And I had only my mother to worry about. You are right to NOT take the abuse from your father. I wonder if you could offer help in ways that avoid contact with them FOR NOW? Stand strong: do what is reasonable for one person, let all know just what you will do, & stick to it. Keep your cool, as you appear to have been doing: your life has to be in order for you to help another find order as well.
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@all
Hey, you great, fantastic, supportive people out there!

I've good news to share: my rehabilitation got through - I am starting in 2 weeks! :-))))))))))))))

JUST
IN
TIME!

Love & hugs to you all!
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