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I’m writing about the relations. If they visit, you are off duty because you are unwell. Write out a list of what your mother needs at what times, and where the necessary things are. Then disappear into your bedroom. Perhaps it won’t ‘facilitate’ a rewarding visit for them, but it might just make it a bit more obvious what your mother needs and also what you need. Smile and thank them as you disappear, and you don’t need to feel that you are being rude.

Decide what you think is best for the future. Then send out an email (better still, posted letters) saying that this is your proposal. If they can think of a better alternative that doesn’t involve you, it would be great. If they have good suggestions, they will need to take responsibility for them, because your health is failing. You would like them to write back to you with their suggestions, as conversations are very tiring for you and you have already set out what you think is best. Include a list of everyone the letter goes to, and say that it would be helpful if all the people on the list could discuss it between themselves. Give them a fortnight to reply, then just do it!

You have enough problems on your shoulders without having to be head of family United Nations. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
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Pasa18 Nov 2019
Thanks for your response of reasonable ideas. Lesson learned, again, is that it's better to be thankful for those willing than deal with the unwilling.

An update: a few days ago I got the cold/flu and could barely move from the couch. I asked a friend to bring cold medicine and at my doorstep my friend not only left cold meds but soup and fruit as well. I couldn't have been more thankful. This allowed me to function and at least heat up food I prepared earlier for the week for my mother and supervise her routines. Mom too developed a high fever which is a concern warranting her doctor's office recommendation to go to ER. (The last ER visit spanned 12 hours, with a 96 yr old ). The home health nurse was scheduled the next day, so I thought she would be able to take vitals and assess urgency. Well, the nurse cancelled. In the middle of the night, I woke thinking that I would find a substitute home health company. The rescheduling of a visit when I needed and without a substitute wasn't acceptable. I had to prepare myself to take mom into ER again. Alas first thing in the morning, I got a call of a substitute nurse able to visit. Again, I couldn't have been more thankful. This nurse was so kind and patient, it was the best medicine for my mother. Her fever broke and she visibly looked better with the nurse's visit. I too felt better. As the nurse was leaving, mom's long time church friend and gardener dropped by to visit with her children. Lovely family. I happen to mention that I was looking for more supervision for mom, and mom's friend said she could be available now that her kids are older. I couldn't have been again more thankful at taking her up on this opportunity even for the short-term.

Earlier, I sent a message to family members about mom's fever and possible ER visit again. I got responses of "please update us". I thought I'd push it and further asked if anyone was willing to do a load of laundry and take out the garbage. I said nothing of how I was sick earlier in the week. I got responses that they had their own laundry and garbage to take out and take care of their own. There it is. The unwilling.
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